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DBinSF Offline OP
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Hi,

I was on here years ago with a different issue about a different relationship, so no need to research my history.

The story is until recently I was in a relationship for two years with an AMAZING woman. She is smart, confident, beautiful and loving. The only problem was our sexual chemistry wasn't great. I didn't know how to talk to her about it, and I ended up in an affair to get those needs met. I felt awful about it and cut it off with OW. OW was so upset, she sent a letter to my fiancee outlining all the details of our affair just to ruin my life.

Fiancee has said she never wants to see me again, and changed the locks on her (our) apartment. This was two weeks ago. I've made a number of calls and emails, some have been replied to -- almost always angrily, but some have been mildly compassionate. None have been loving.

What's my next move? I want to go over there and beg for her to take me back. I know that's not recommended, but I really don't know what else to do.


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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If your sexual chemistry wasn't "great" and rather than talking to your fiancee about it, you had an A, what makes you think that you're not going to do it again?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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BTW, is this the same finacee that you were waivering to marry 2 years ago?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 172
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DBinSF Offline OP
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No, different Fiancee. The one from a few years ago is now engaged to someone else, and I'm happy for her.

The reason I think we can get through it is because our sex is GOOD often, it just hasn't been as good as it was with OW. But I can't ever have an affair again -- it completely degraded my self worth. I got more and more depressed the longer it went on.

My fiancee is the kindest, sweetest, most loving and nurturing woman I've ever met. I am DEEPLY remorseful. And she won't have anything to do with me at this point.


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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In about 5 days, it will be exactly two years since your last post........where you were desperately wanting your ex-finacee (at that time) to return to you. You were meeting up with her and wanted to know how to act.

So did you begin a R with this woman immediately following your last post?

If she is a rebound for you, it may not matter how sweet & kind she is. And you had an A and now sex isn't as good as it was with OW.

I'm not so sure this is a different issue. I kind of think it all may be tied together. However, if you don't post more often than last time, the board won't be able to help you. Stick to one thread this time, and post regularly. You'll get better support.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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DBinSF Offline OP
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I gave up with the Ex this time two years ago. It was a year after we broke up. I met my current Fiancee July 7 that summer. We fell for each other quickly, but didn't have a great sexual energy at first. She responded well to me (very lubricated and lots of orgasms), but I had a hard time (no pun intended). It left me wanting, and I strayed with a married woman who was in an open relationship. I told myself it was "safe." We met every 4-6 weeks for much of my relationship, even though I was falling deeply in love with my girlfriend. It finally became too much (although it should have been from the beginning, I know), and I called it off.

It seems like you are doubtful of my sincerity or ability to commit. That's fair. I'm in therapy 2x a week to figure all this out. But in the mean time, I'm in a TON of pain at the idea that I have completely ruined the chances of being with my Fiancee. She is SO HURT and was SO DISGUSTED when she got the letter. I don't blame her. But I still want to know what my next move is. If any move at all.

When I picked up the last of my stuff from her apartment a week ago, she said she didn't want to be friends and didn't want to see me again, although we have common friends (we'll be at the same b-day party next Saturday). I know she's said a lot of hateful things in anger -- she's a very classy woman and is normally VERY easy to navigate conflict with.


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
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I think you should honor her request. Use the time away to get yourself straighten out. Work with your therapist. Work to improve yourself. Learn from your experiences and don't make the same R mistakes again.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 172
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DBinSF Offline OP
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Honor her request for how long? You say "use the time away" as if there will be a time to return. When is that? I'm so desperate and confused right now. I know I seem pathetic, but I can think of nothing else.

I'm having mild anxiety attacks over it. The guilt and shame are overpowering. I'm scrambling to make the pain stop in some way...


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 172
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DBinSF Offline OP
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Posts: 172
And if I shouldn't reach out to her now, what should I do to quiet my mind? I don't talk to my therapist again until Monday. That's years away...


Me: 39 - W: 35
Together: 2 years, no kids
My Affair: 1.5 years
Affair ended: 4/9/14
Affair revealed: 5/19/14
Last Contact: 8/2/14
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
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DBinSF, you say you were here two years ago for a different woman. What did you get out of this site the first time you were here?


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
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