Still waiting it out.. 8 months on..

[loualea]

I thought as much...
what I want to do is scream about his selfish cold bloody minded attitude
But then I think of that phrase making the road home smooth..
but I suspect he iz in thd model of those guys who say I am done and never look back..
so maybe holding onto my dignity is a better thought. .
I think what I hate most is the criticism of how I packed. ..what I put where..I know it is coming....

Would it be petty to totally mix his carefully cataloged books? ??
he replies atodd times to texts..told me when he was too late home last night to call..wdird..and I have to stop his actions raising or lowering my hope...

[Ggrass]

Well my thought about the books would be if he wanted them kept neat and cared he would collect them himself?
So pack them in the way that's easier for you.

[loualea]

Agreed ad I might..
You would think after all these months and all this reading here and on MLC sites and IC I would not think that writing to him and telling him how awful everything is would help I any way.. except that is my thought today
I am so overwhelmed with not only the work load here but also the loss of this relationship that I so much want tell him howit feels..
there is a part of me that thinks if he knew what this was doing to me he would stop.. but that is not true is it?
There is a part of me that thinks he is not happy with the OW ut that is also not true
there is a part that thinks that if I still feel thisway aout him. How can he possibly not love me anymore.. but that is alsonot true..
And I so want him to be the man who realises we were good together, gets some therapy and wants to work on the marriage but that is probably not going to happen is it?
I need to stop seeing every positive interaction as a possible beginning to reconciliation.

I wonder if this holding onto hope is doing me any good.
I have to stop thinking that in this situation reading, taking notes, practicising responses will change the situation.

I have learned a lot about me.. not sure what to do with it.. it is so intrinsic to who I am I am not sure how far away from being a rescuer I can get.. I really miss caring for someone.. really is that so pathetic.. I am not designed to be alone. And yet I know that is what he says annoyed him..

I know what pushed him over the edge.. I can't quite fill that love bank now.. he needed affirmation and tonnes of it and when I stopped affirming because his decisions were totally terrible for me.. then that was the final straw for him..add work stress, conflict avoider, passive aggressive into the mix.. yet in his defense he was the sweetest most thoughtful and kind man. Universally liked.. quiet but someone who would do anything for anyone.. now he is so different..
I find that hard to accept.. I think too much about him.. I know all the GAL but I can do many things at once and these days everything is done with background of he
left you he doesn't want you. ? You failed... I ran a 10 k race hoping he would show up..I looked for him in the crowd..how pathetic is that..
he does not seem to cope at all when I am in the city he lives in and the OW?
how will that work I wonder I have to move there in 2 weeks.. for work ...before I get slammed for chasing him..

I know I should post on other threads but does anyone need to hear from me... I have no clue and am the worst D B inthe history of the program..

so now at least I won't call him and tell him I love him and ask again to work on us.. I wont email a sad email about how tough it is for me..I won't text and ask him to call me..

I know the theory people I just can't put it into practice in my head..

This is just a rant to stop me doing something stupid..



happen

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Loualea,

I think we all have these days where we think we are doing everything wrong even though we feel we understand how to do it. I also find myself trying to convince myself that my spouse can't possibly be happy and if they would only wake up they would see this. I don't think any of us are the worst BDers. It is a very hard path we follow. It is easy to see what others are doing wrong and give advice. It is very hard to follow our own advice until after each situation presents itself. Right now, my wife does not respond to any contact, not even about our children. Being a father with three teenage girls to take care of I am having to make decisions that I wish she would at least participate in. Sometimes I just want to go down and bang on the door of her apartment and get her to respond. During those times I have to remind myself it won't do any good and I have to be the best father I can for my girls and let my wife deal with her own issues. You will do fine. Don't live your life based on what he may say or accuse you of. Be the strong person you are. Respond to him in a strong confident voice and move forward with your life. If he wants to catch up with you he will. If not then it is his loss.

[loualea]

Thanks LT
I am grateful we don't have children to have to go through this and then I wish I wasn't so alone..depends on the day..
how do you get your head around leaving your daughters..a spouse.. ok maybe but your children.. that I don't get..
my IC said stay off these boards they don't help.. I should think of something else...good thought.. maybe for 20 seconds.. then he is back in my head...
so the boards help...and I think DB helps.. I don't know what I would do if I had the kick him to the curb action.. I know I would regret it.. as you said at least he might follow.. kicking him.. well that is just not me..
I hVe positive moments and then less so..he too tried suicide.. before the affair..I think that hurts more than the affair.. that he left one morning for work.. not intending to come home... and I did not know..didnot notice..and he came home when he was interrupted and I still did not know.. maybe he is right about me..though I knew there was something wrong the week the affair started..a ctually had anxiety before but convinced myself that being jealous was my problem and not his...well it was both of our problems...
thanks for the affirmation.. it helps..

[Lifes Twists]

Hi loualea,

I understand how you feel about his suicide attempt. I feel the same sometimes. Did he leave a note about his attempt before her left that morning? I was told if the person attempting suicide leaves a note or lets people know before then it is a cry for help rather than a serious attempt. If he just left like my wife did without any kind of note or indication to someone then it is a serious attempt by the person and is more serious. In either case, you cannot take any ownership for the attempt. it is completely theirs to own as well as the fallout. My wife is facing less contact with the kids, living alone rather than with the girls living with her. I have had to be strong for them. Don't live your life based on his decisions, his feelings, or his actions. They are his and not yours. His feeling are his alone, don't make them yours. The lonely feeling is understandable. The reality is what you allow those feelings to do. You can choose to climb under a rock and pull it over you or you can choose to have those feeling push you into getting out and finding a new life for yourself.

[loualea]

LT
you are right.. very wise.. but it still hurts..
and no no note and he will not discuss the plan...he said he always needs a back door...

just finished a call with him..one hour..he sounds distant..but certainly is GALing.. better than me...
he won't or cant answer direct questions.. Do you like to see whatsapp pictures of the garden?
Answer.. well that is up to you..
Says that he prbably just needs to answer everything with no..if vague answer are no good.. then accuses me of not caring about his feelings.. but he won't say when I get it wrong...,
I know detach.. it is hard...
stay strong.. your girls are lucky to have you...

[Lifes Twists]

loualea look at it that most of us have problems, we were just unlucky to have spouses with bigger problems.Keep working on yourself. If he works on himself, good, if not too bad for him.

[loualea]

I wonder do people know that they should work on themselves.. before this it was not something I had thought of...
I figured that I was what I was.. it was only when he pointed a finger and said I ruined his life that I started talking to someone..I have to admit I thought therapy or counselling was something that only people in movies did or in America ( sorry folks but that was the thought). I used to scoff at the signs on doors of people offering counselling, therapy etc.. I used to think who was so pathetic they cannot work out their own lives..
then I fell in a heap and 2 american friends asked about seeing someone.. they said they had been to counselling and it helped. ? They were right..now I see why I do what I do and why I feel what I feel and it helps.. I did not ruin his life.. if he had said anything about his feelings I would have examined my thinking then..now the accusation is that I never cared about his feelings. ? I know it is not db but I could validate then had to add you never told me.. he said "I know" but he is still angry...

I realise how much control matters to me to keep my future safe.. futile I know but I know somewhere I believe if I think enough about something it will work out the way I want.. if I am persistent the world will fall into my plan and I will be safe..
if I keep asking the same question eventually you will give me the answer I want.. all in the most loving way of course and with no intention to hurt anyone just to look after me..

so maybe I did ruin his life. ? Who knows if that is his truth then there is nothing I can do to change it... though a little voice in me wants to say, even now, yes there is talk at him , convince him with logic and examples.. keep talking until he changes his mind..

I guess at least I know now that is an ugly controlling pursuing plan..and I can only validate when he raises that topic again and again and again...

I can only show that I know what I do and that I am trying hard not to..and I have to wait..

sorry for the long journalling ramble.. it helps to put this out there publically.. bit like being an alcoholic. At an AA meeting
"Hello people I am Loua and I am an anxious, rescuing control freak!"

I hope it is not too late.. for us.. he is so cold and distant, so seemingly angry...you can imagine how that makes me twitchy.. I so much want to fix that and make him happy, I know I can if he would just let me control things for him...I know I can't I
won't I know it is futile. but the habits of a lifetime..
and I logically can see I am allowing him to dictate my thoughts and mood.. what is odd is that is the last thing he wants to do..not sure which part of me needs to be removed to stop these useless thoughts and feelings..

and I can mind read and obsess about him plus do other things.. multitasking is not always positive... even had a job interview and thought about him in the background.. got the job too...
will walk the dog and try to control this monkey brain.. maybe I need a weeks retreat in a monastery or a Buddhist centre.. maybe..or a lobotomy. ?

[LuckyLuke]

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

L