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Joined: Feb 2004
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I do think that WAS have a certain amount of insanity in them, and guilt, and confusion. I think it was good you said he was cruel, and left it at that. I think forgiveness is very good too.

I'd focus on yourself, GAL as much as you can over the summer (will H be near you in Essen?), have a good break, go to the ocean (you said you were from the coast, I think?), be true to yourself, take care of that which is hurting and fine and real in you.

Luke

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Something to look forward to, if you like biking, is the 100 castles route, NE of you, around Munster. I've biked a bit up there - nice area. L

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loualea Offline OP
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100 castles.. sounds like something I would enjoy..
I think some of my colleagues bike so might find some company from work..
Farewells at work today..I hate them.. I did not manage to control the tears.. so much has ended here.. much as I love it there are so many triggers that make me sad..
silence from H.. probably a good thing..


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Originally Posted By: loualea
Hi Luke

thanks for checking in was just reading your thread.. ?

I am wondering if this is worth the stress?
I am wondering is he the guy people talk about who makes up his mind and does not shift?

I am wondering who I have been married to and why did he bother if it was 14 years of purgatory?
I am wondering how he managed to pretend so well for all those years?
I am wondering if sandis 37 rules will change things or just make it easier for me.
Sure there are small improvements. but the basics stay the same. he wants a divorce.. then we can discus the relationship and moving forward

I guess what I wonder most is why are all these WAS the same ? Why do they tell the same lies, harden their hearts in the same manner, act cruelly to someone they used to care about ( or acted as if they did)

I am tried of his attitude. I am tired of his anger- Why he is angry I am not sure. Would appear he is achieving his life dream.. free of anything to do with me.
I am tired of seeing him work so hard to justify his selfish decisions. I am tired of him forgetting he despised men who cheated.
i am tired of me.. that i can not get as angry as he is, that I refuse to write 14 years of my life off as a miserable experience i just pretended to like.
I am so tired and sad to see him work hard to be hateful and cruel and cold..to see the flashes of sdaness as he realises how his choices impact on others.. not just me.. but then pushes through with them anyway.

Luke.. I am feeling sorry for myself--- School is ending and with it will rapidly come the end of all the things, places,experiences I have enjoyed and valued and cared about these past 6 years while we lived here. I know people have it worse..
much worse..
tomorrow.. maybe I will feel more positive but tody. it is just a horrible mess caused by his selfishness and arrogance and inability to communicate or connect..
.


Oh man, Lou. This could have been written by me right down to the timing. Are we married to the same man?


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
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loualea Offline OP
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Hi Mustard
I sure hope we are not .. because he is horrible..
I realised one of the reasons it is so painful isthat not only has the future you planned on been taken..and to be fair in life the future isnever a given.
what I resent is that he took my past and smashed it..if he remembers it as a misery then it makes it hard to recall what was good.. so the things I enjoyed looking back on .. that made me smile are gone and it is a murky grey mess where I pick through the pieces and pick up the broken bits and try to polish into something I recognise and I can't.. and I look at photos and think was I really so stupid..and I don't like that thought..
and I can make a new future but I can't fix that broken past..


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Originally Posted By: loualea
Hi Mustard
I sure hope we are not .. because he is horrible..
I realised one of the reasons it is so painful isthat not only has the future you planned on been taken..and to be fair in life the future isnever a given.
what I resent is that he took my past and smashed it..if he remembers it as a misery then it makes it hard to recall what was good.. so the things I enjoyed looking back on .. that made me smile are gone and it is a murky grey mess where I pick through the pieces and pick up the broken bits and try to polish into something I recognise and I can't.. and I look at photos and think was I really so stupid..and I don't like that thought..
and I can make a new future but I can't fix that broken past..


I hear you! I am just realizing that I have always trusted and believed everything he ever told me, but when I look back on his actions throughout our marriage I realize he never followed through with any of it. Was i really that naive? He is polite to me, but it is all talk. And this holding pattern I'm in, it is so not fair. I can't plan for my future because I have no idea what means I will have to make it happen and he isn't rushing to get anything moving in either direction--except for when I happen to say something that makes him think I still believe we still have a chance. Then he will say something like, "tomorrow we will talk about what to do next" to get the divorce moving along, but then he avoids me so the talk never happens.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
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loualea Offline OP
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Hi
Same here
We have to talk he says, so I wait ...nothing
Then it is me avoiding the topic but I don't know what he wants to talk about. ?
And if I raise an issue I am pushy and controlling...
At least I don't have to live with him. Which is better I think at the moment..


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loualea Offline OP
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Sort of stuck here
I have worked hard not to be confrontational. .to think of the long term goal work on myself GAL and while I am in a better place. .I think I am looking too door matty. H made it clear he wanted out a divor e ...the affair was a coincicidence..etc..I have never made any ultimatums.there were no grounds to make them..I have kept friendly contacts.validated and that's it.
However on the weekend I believe I was treated badly and I want to express my feelings. He was disrespectful to me as a friend..let alone a wife but settle with friend..he did not treat me well.i feel like not raising my objection to his behaviour is weak on my part...How does DB advise to deal with this without negating all the tongue biting I have been doing. .


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loualea Offline OP
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Detachment
I think I am detached and then I realise how angry I am that he is leaving all this work to me..Does that mean I am not detached..

I am having as little contact as possible but with all the work needed to be done some is inevitable..
So I am feeling aggrieved that he is going out, having a good time with friends and the OW and I am packing and cleaning and looking after a summer garden with no social contacts now school has finished..
He just moves further and further away.. I am not chasing but he imagines I am..I just wait.. and i think he hates that..
but as he is a conflict avoider who would know what he thinks or wants or doesn't want..he just lies and makes up stories in his sad sick head..

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Yea, it does mean you are not fully detached. Being detached would mean his actions do not affect your daily life or mood.

It does stink that you are stuck with the packing and care taking while he is off having fun. But that is just part of the gig we have to accept smirk


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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