No, no, negative push back is what I meant. If your H is like me, and avoids conflicts, he will not appreciate your disapproval or scorn or anger. Acceptance is what he needs (again, if he is like me), and I think should get, at least for a while.
What does he disapprove of or get irritated by? Is he right?
He is at fault for having an affair, imo, no matter how you slice it. You cannot control him, but you can control you, so (re furniture) state your needs, using I statements (e.g. I would like some/need help with moving the furniture, please). He should (if decent) help, as it is not only his problem. Restate your problem if he doesn't respond (not to bug, just to be clear). I wouldn't do this more than twice though.
Focus on you. Get what you need from him.
gtg - Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Hi luke One step ahead of you.. printed and here in my journal.. Acceptance.. anger you are right..I try to be careful but cannot be too fake.. then he says I am pretending.. Validation is the key.. thanks for input..
What happens with the anger .. W is angry H feels what ?.?? But reacts with anger..irritation? Have good Pfingsten...
Using myself and my dominant W as an example, she would be angry/cross my self esteem boundary, and I would resent it. She would resent that I did not fight back, and so negative energy built up on both sides. Healthy boundaries are important, I read. If your husband is losing his self-esteem, he himself (I don't think you can help) will need to work on being more assertive.
This is using my sitch as a reference. What is the power balance in your R?
I hope Luke and Lou don't mind me jumping on here.
My H is a serious conflict-avoider, can't handle anything he perceives as criticism, has never been able to tell me how to share my thoughts with him if it conflicts with his ideas... it's been difficult.
I am a confident person, independent, but I wouldn't say "dominant". However, he is rather passive and this has set up a dynamic where I have had to make a lot of decisions and he would do this passive-aggressive thing with dragging his feet or "forgetting". Anyhow, not to hijack your thread... I just wasn't sure how to connect with both of you since you seem to be discussing something relevant to my situation.
--Goat Gal
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Luke Power balance not sure I am a controller.. for sure, I thought he was OK with that but I guess not. I think it looked like I was in charge but I did not wan t to be.. he just was too passive and let me.. ouch.. trying hard to change that dynamic.. not sure if it is a useful conversation to have... I think the dominant comes across as controlling when i do it, I think the independent too.. and it is true.. I see a solution and push through with my way.. not so useful.. He let it ride for a lot of years.. we are talking about it but there is still so much built up resentment for behaviours I showed that damaged him but he did not say. he is saying it now. I am validating and truthfully. i do want to know what he thinks and feels. I don't want to a controlling, pressurising monster.. he has some responsibility there.. he says there is no going back , he will not risk that hurt .. I would agree I don't want to go back to that but going forward.. how to reshape that.. start again. Is that possible? new attitudes, new parameters.. maybe ??
The difficulty is he expresses his thoughts with irritated tone, he is uncomfortable doing that, I have trouble not hearing the tone and taking it very personally.. Thinking "he is angry with me. How can i fix that.." not useful I am working on that...
Personally, if my wife asked me what I think, then really listens to what I say, discusses it rationally with me, and we both agree on a decision, I'd feel a lot more respected and the power balance would be good. My two cents -
Hi Luke hope you enjoy the museum warm here. sititng in the dark.. bereft..
My H left after 24 hours . It was the best he has been since he left in October. Most relaxed, friendliest, even said thanks..
so now I so miserable. it was so short and I miss the old him so much.. and he is still so angry about 10 years ago...how do I deal with that. he said little at the time and has lived with the feeling all that time and now it is just ever present in everything.
