Hi Luke Jacarandas do you have them in Sweden?? I had 2 enormous ones in my childhood home in Sydney.. magnificent. Gratitude today..scented roses.. Thos flat river bike trips look good.. see you there. You might be right about the Ruhr and it did seem like a chance to make some new contacts..I am just so sad about leaving here that it colours everything..
I think you are right about the pressure.. I am sure pulling back on the contact so to reduce the pressure.. have friendly short text exchanges.. i send pictures of the garden he busted his back in for 5 years.. he acknowledges at least which is more than he does when I just write.
Germans like Australians.. so that is a plus.
I ran 1.03 which i think is pretty good.. January I was running 1.15 on a good day!
I have read the books and reread them and marked them and sticky noted them.... it is hard to stay positive and think this is a work of years.. I am impatient by nature but am learning a lot on the way.. Found a book the Dance of Wounded souls.. interesting perspective.. helps me see why I am so anxious and controlling!
I think the less I see him the better it might be at the moment. Small friendly contacts my coach recommended. so that is what I am trying which leaves me with all the work here because I don't complain that he does not come down to help.. but 30 degrees today Bayerische Himmel.. perfect..
Hey Luke Just finished a call with a normal sounding WH. Still reticent about his week but he called and this is the first time in months he sounded like him..I was tempted to text and whine that he had said he would call but he hadnot waaa waaa waa but read your post..it reminded me what the books said and you about pressure and backing off and I did.. and then he called.. so thanks for not letting me sabotage my efforts..I have resisted contact this week.. sent one positive affirming email and a couple of pics of some plants he always liked in the garden. I asked him to let me know about the weekend.. he was supposed to come down but I did not put any pressure just asked if he was coming to tell me so I could get some food in..I live on yoghurt protein shakes and fruit ...he said oh, yeh..quite surprised I think. First positive sign...not counting chickens or even looking for eggs yet! If he can be normal and not sound half crazed it is a step forward...
I used to live in Adelaide a long time ago, a good place.
Yes, pulling back is good, and strengthens the you in you too - all in all good. Glad to hear that WAH is changing, keep the faith and keep up the lack of pressure. No whining! There will be good signs if you give them time.
Rode up a local mountain canyon yesterday, on a beat up old mtn bike, no shocks, so sore upper body today. Gratitude: connecting with people by music.
1.03 is great - I am envious... but have a 10K in late June and will take that as a challenge!
Check out the Harz area - very interesting - and you will be nearer it, at least latitudewise...
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Hey You must be some kind of gypsy.you have lived all over. I have a 10 k marked for October.. under 60 minutes???? Doable.. not sure. Gives me a training goal..I adopted a cast off Giant bike from a student who had out grown it.. yep I am not tall.. the shocks are great..have been biking as a break from running. The lack of pressure and also stop my magic thinking.. my IC calls it.. when I think and think about what I want to happen until it does..keeps hopes and expectations way too high. Had another reasonable call last night. I had suggested a time in an email and he called...makes me suspicious but I will accept the good feeling gratefully. I send pics on whats app and positive brief emails when I think of them..ie when it is genuine.we talk twice a week.. so far all pleasant. I read a book the Solo Partner...put a few things into perspective for me...clingy, fear of failure, controller, pursuer..
Gratitude.. German friends who are patient with my destruction of their language. And cuckoos The Harz been through, never stayed there.. maybe later this year... Glad there are good things happening for you.. why don't you buy a new bike.. maybe your daughter would like one too?
Need to write here so I do not begin with too much clingy contacts. I have had the removals people here. all in German. All looking at this home we built and planning what to take and what has to be thrown away.
I can not really understand how I am left to this alone. How he does not think of the fact that we have to move. That I have a new job on the other side of the country and that I have to do this without any input.His one comment months ago was that he owned some of the things in the house. But nothing else. he was tired last night when we talked but generally reasonable and not as irritated sounding. He was invited to come to the graduation of a young friend but decided not to. He said he will not allow anyone to nail him down. Which means no commitment for anything for anyone. he said he will come the week after.. maybe. And I am so sad about this.. and if he is not depressed he does a very wonderful impression. The same old negative issues came up. I don't know what to do with them anymore.. i just validate and wish he would stop talking about it. so I am really alone and sad today.. The week has been good but reality struck and that this could be my forever reality.. well that is not a very positive outlook.
A holiday here and its raining. I am recovering from a migraine and have that weird heavy head. The day looked like one I would spend crying so I texted 2 friends and invited myself out for lunch and invited one here for dinner. I journalled a bit and reminded myself about the futility of mind reading and magic thinking- where if I think enough about a situation being the way I want it then I can control it. I had arranged to telephone my H tonight but I am not going to.. distance really helps him be friendlier..I will leave it until Sunday. I have realised I was so caught up in my relationship with my H that I really neglected the friends in my life. Which means I was not the best I could be, too one dimensional. it was so claustrophobic for both of us. He used to say why don't you have a holiday with xxxxx I would think I would miss him too much and I did.I did not realise how good it should have been for both of us. Not a conversation to have but an action to show.
He did not say he needed the space, maybe he did not know.Now I know.. I can see why he resents that now I am out more, new contacts trying different things, taking risks with looking stupid,But it is better for me and if we get to reconcile then better for both of us. The trick would always be not to fall into those old habits. I hate being wise after the event... why didn't we come with a manual written in 25 languages so we didn't screw things up?
This weekend my H is supposed to be here. Which means not much as he could just as easily change his mind and say I am pressuring him when I ask to confirm. However he has been more friendly and less stressed sounding on the phone the last few weeks and even returned a call he missed from me which is a first so maybe he is thawing.
So I need some advice.. he says because we don't discuss the relationship he wastes his time except discuss seems to mean he tells and I agree. I don't do that.
He is a classic conflict avoider and this conflict is obviously stressful for him.. even though he has caused it.
I validate his feelings but still express mine in as non confrontational and calm way as I can.
The times he has been here since BD I have organised a concert or dinner with friends or something like that so the tension is not so constant. He was critical and said how can we talk if I have things organised yet if there is nothing organised he sits and reads the news or texts on his phone which I find pretty offensive. The last time I left him to his reading and texting so then he complained I wasn't there to talk.
I am leaving the talking to him.. So how to proceed to keep the friendly feeling, keep the pressure off, allow for discussion.. not pursue.. It is su h a balancing game.
A quick note - traveling - keep on keeping off the pressure - do not confront or push back - he (I think I am similar) wants to get closer but is afraid of your bite. Perhaps some John Gottmann (not sure name) would be helpful - he talks about marriages with one conflict avoider and one non avoider - observe when he pulls back and then do not do what you did that lead to that...
Home tomorrow and it is a holiday there so I will still be sporadic - hang in there - later - Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Hi thanks What do you mean exactly push back?.. just validate?
So today is an anxious day.. tonight we have a scheduled phone call..Where did all those easy exchanges go and will they ever come back or will I need to spend a day planning every conversation and living in dread of the outcome.. it is so exhausting
so I sat down to write to myself and I came up with What is the worst that can happen? well that has happened he is having an affair and wants divorce
so what is next? For me 1. He will be angry and distant What can I do? Don't react ( Eg Reread solo Partner- Emotional Reactivitiy) Validate
2. He will say he is not coming after I have cancelled my weekend away because I really am needing some help with moving all this furniture What can i do? Impact statement When I do not have a commitment about assistance with this move then i am unsure if I should proceed alone or not.This makes planning and organising very difficult for me.
3 He will be more normal sounding
Ask for his plans and wishes for the weekend. Maybe validation-- positive
what NOT to do Cry, plead, beg, accuse..be dependent and needy
So I have a sort of plan
you are right he is a conflict avoider, but so am I...I do not deal well with his disapproval or irritation.. very deep in my psyche that anxiety..
