Really quick because I have to hit the road for the office - but what do you think if I wait till all of this is over to respond to XMIL? And do so kindly? I really do not care to open a dialogue with her on the matter right now as it is between XW and me - and I have made my intentions clear to XW. If XMIL's relationship with me that she was trying to maintain is genuine and not self-serving (meaning stay kind to get things when she wants them) she will understand.
Bug - her mom comes about once, maybe twice a year. Her dad does not travel too well anymore so he has not been here since before the D. XW tries to get back once in the summer and once during the holidays....historically I have supplemented those trips with my time. I stopped doing it last Christmas and she became quite angry.
XW texted me this morning (it's my bday today):
"was running late this morning so will have S call to wish you happy birthday later today. If you want to pick him up after school today to spend time with him, you can."
It's her day to have him, so I am going to respectfully decline her offer. Seems inappropriate for me to draw a hard line on the divorce agreement and then accept concessions from her....plus I made plans to celebrate with S tomorrow. But yeah, I sure wish I could see him today for my bday - but it's not going to happen.
It's her day to have him, so I am going to respectfully decline her offer. Seems inappropriate for me to draw a hard line on the divorce agreement and then accept concessions from her....plus I made plans to celebrate with S tomorrow. But yeah, I sure wish I could see him today for my bday - but it's not going to happen.
First off...
Happy Birthday !!!!
Secondly...
Take advantage of that time, if she is willing to give it up.
It doesn't have to come with any obligations, other than it is your birthday....
Also doesn't mean that you have to change your mind about the other issue...
Put that guilt aside and do something un-expected today, and take advantage of her generosity.....she would....
"Crimson- Mom just let me know she has already booked July 1-11th. She said she has tried a couple of times to run the dates by you and did not get a response. Please contact her with your concerns or if you are insisting she change the dates."
"Thank you for suggesting, but I am not comfortable with selecting your vacation dates for you. All that I ask is that he can be here for Father’s Day if you choose to go in June. Other than that, any dates that fit within the agreement are yours to take. I do hear your points, but I am sticking to the terms in the agreement from this point forward. I do not want any of your days in exchange."
Wait till you calm down, and remind her that you have already decided, and the dates will have to be changed....
Talked to my L. The language is somewhat vague in the agreement - but it would look as if she can take 10. As long as we are within the parameters of the agreement, I am fine. So that's that......how do I break that news graciously??
I left her a voicemail. I figure we are over the email stage - it really is not too productive. I basically just told her that the language of the agreement was vague (it really is!) but 10 days seems fair and within the terms (it is). Told her to go and have a good time with her friends and family. Even though I am way past the point of trying to prove myself, I did try to be kind and the bigger person. And yes, it was difficult...and yes, I wanted to say a lot more that would have been "editorializing", but as my friend told me today, I was being presented with an opportunity to show grace in a difficult situation....maybe that was the whole point of this thing....who knows.
I did say, kindly, that in the future we should keep matters like this between the two of us because I am not comfortable discussing matters that have to do with me, her and S with someone other than her.
Even though I know I did the right thing in the spirit and letter of the law I still can't help but feel as if somehow I've been "had". Probably just my pride...but the agreement is what the agreement is. Love it or hate it.
Happy birthday man. I think you've been handlings things well. About taking your son... Anytime my ex changes her mind and I get to have s3 longer(I've even bailed on plans to see him), I take it. I don't care why I get him, I'm happy that I do.
You're doing well. Keep it up!
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
Thanks, 2TH. I just kind of side with Sandi on this one....not sure if I trust her generosity just yet....I think she had other motives. Plus, I still feel I need to honor the terms of the agreement. Don't get me wrong...my heart hurts deeply that I am spending my bday without my son. I s*cks. Badly.
Sandi - was I "too nice" in leaving a polite message? I don't expect it to be appreciated at all...but I felt since the agreement was allowing for what she was requesting it needed to be done. It's hard to be gracious to someone that is sniping at you and not being kind.
Plus, and I feel bad for being this small, part of me truly wanted her to experience not getting what she wants for once in this process - ya know? I feel like I have been on the sh*t end of the stick forever while she galavants happily along. It's small, and I know that...and I don't like thinking that way....but I am just being transparent.
The language essentially reads "During the summer each parent shall have two nonconsecutive weeks of vacation time. However, no S will not be away from either parent for more than 10 days".
My interpretation (and hers, at one point) was that he could not be out of town for more that one week....7 days. I called my L today and asked him to disambiguate the language for me. Basically (and I'll use fake days to make it easy), I thought it means that if she has if Mon, Tue, Wed, in Phoenix she could STILL leave for Iowa for 7 days (one week) since he would be away on vacation for one week and in combination with her three days of parenting time would not exceed 10 days. I was sure that was what it meant. L said otherwise....she could take the 10 since she is free to go to Iowa with him even on her regular parenting time.
It was my mistake and misinterpretation. Not done maliciously, but it would appear that I was wrong. I DID check the agreement and made sure.....I just got it wrong...the language was not clear to me.
I thought I had a clearer understanding of the agreement. That's why I did not contact L until yesterday. I was wrong, GM, I'm not happy about it - but I was. Let me stress that again - I am not happy about it. And yes, I know now I look like I caved in again - I'm not happy about that either. It was a mistake. I dug my heels in for something I thought was right and it wasn't. Whatever the consequences are for that, implied or otherwise, I've got to own them.
XW texted me last Thursday saying "thanks for the voicemail - it will make our summer (the vacation time)". I did not respond or anything.
I had S this weekend and kept him pretty busy. We went to a 9:00 church service and grabbed donuts afterwards. Surprisingly, she texted asking how S was doing. I thought about saying nothing at all -- but for one reason or another felt pulled to be kind. I simply replied "He's good...we hit the 9:00 service and went to get donuts. We've been keeping it moving all weekend". She did not reply.
This morning she texted wanting to know if she has to pick S up at my house tomorrow (he is done with pre-k for the summer and is at my parents place Mon/Tue). I said "sure". She responds "what time?"....I simply say "6:00? Shouldn't be much later than that I think". No response. Then, for some reason, I decided to just ask "How've you been?". Probably shouldn't have, looking back on it....but in the moment I felt it was the right thing to do. I certainly am out of pursuit mode and have barely spoken to her at all. She did not respond.
I dunno....seems weird that she is always this staunch advocate for a "good co-parenting relationship".....but I don't know what that looks like to her. We can't go on for the next decade-plus pretending that the other doesn't exist. We don't have to be pen-pals, but basic politeness that you would exhibit towards a stranger in not unreasonable. All I can do is try to extend it, and I did so without an agenda or expectations, and she basically cast her vote on the matter. Message received. Staying dark would appear to be the answer, no? Am I off base here?
The minute you stopped discussing the son and asked her how had she been.....it became about "her". I don't think you know how to just be just a co-parent with her. In the past, you always added too much to your end of the text or phone call. You can say you aren't in the pursuit mode all you want.....but you clearly did it anyway. And frankly, I can't believe you think she's being weird. I mean, until your chat with the lawyer, you were the one who wasn't being so friendly. So, the minute you cool your heels, you stop detaching?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
let her go for real now. She has a lot of lessons to learn and imo, you slow her down.
But so that I am clear, is she using HER time to visit her family or yours?
I'm excited about your Scuba certification, btw. Sounds very cool. Especially in AZ
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I passed 10k posts and think it's time to celebrate...or whatever....
Keep us posted.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
THANK YOU to both Sandi2 and 25. I know I speak for MANY when I say that the help, insight and support that both of you give on a daily basis has helped change lives - at least it did for me. You two are some of the wisest vets and you provide help in such a supportive way (each in your own style, of course).
Every time I see a post by either of you, I read it. Even after 3 years, I learn something from you both in each and every one.
So thanks - it takes a lot of time and effort to do what you both do and it's not been in vain.
So yes, LET'S CELEBRATE!!! Crimson - come out and join us!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
It's been about a month since I posted to this thread. In that time, I have had more personal growth and have worked on the spiritual component of my life. I stopped dating for now (That was hard to do because I hurt a few people ), keep busy (scuba studying) and lean in on my friends a lot.
I kept in the dark mode phase for awhile and tried to get cozy with it. Long story short - good things are happening maybe....MAYBE....big maybe. But I am slow, cautious, and not at all willing to rush to anything. I think time and life have a way at whittling away at hearts at times....minds, too. This may very well be the case for XW. Not to give too much away, but today was the first time we spoke in person about "things" since she moved out a year ago. We sat in the courtyard at church at talked during the service while S was in Sunday school. Lots of ground covered in 60 minutes, but we have a lot more to go. We all went to breakfast for the first time in about a year afterwards.
I haven't been posting here too much because I am trying to ride my bike without training wheels a little bit and see how I do. I am cautiously optimistic.....but still based in reality. Oh, and to clarify, she is the one that reached out to me.
Hope there is more to come....we'll see. Either way, I am adjusting.
Crimson
PS....really funny with all of that happening today, 25, that TODAY is the day you ask for an update..........
I know it was weirdly timely!!....but hey, where is that request of mine? I could have sworn I posted that HERE...
oh well, I need to get more sleep or something...
So, sounds intriguing on your end. DO Keep us posted.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well, I haven't been posting too much to my thread because 1.) I have been trying to stand on my own two feet and use what I have learned here, and 2.) I know things in situations like mine can change at the drop of a hat.
That said, slow, steady progress has been made over the last several weeks - but I am not pushing it. I am adhering to the "hand-feed-the-squirrel" model. It has required a lot of impulse control and restraint on my part - but trial and error over these years has taught me a lot about that.
We have had some good talks...have hung out as a family here and there (at her request) and have reflected about the time she spent back at the house last spring. It's been pretty good. In a totally new move for us, we have even sat together by ourselves in a chapel at church and prayed about a few things.
And, in a move I did not see coming, she wants to come on vacay with me and S to Disney. Again, cautious optimism - but things are moving. I am not forcing them at all - but time is running its course I think. We'll see what happens.
Yes. That has ended. That was pretty much a pre-req for me - none of these discussions or time would be happening with him in the picture. Still, I remain cautious in all of this considering I have been here before.
Val - the only emotional roller coaster I am planning on is the potential for my son to cry on Space Mountain - see what I did there? From day one I have set out planning that this trip is all about/for S. As long as he is having a good time - regardless of how tired I will most likely be -- I am good. The fact that she wants to come along is a nice bonus and slightly indicative of some minor progress that has been made. So yeah - I think I can do it without expectations.
Hi GM! It's still early, but communication and honesty has been better - I would *guess* she has done some work on her end....and I speculate that dating might have been a catalyst on that front, but who knows for sure. Again, I have been through the mill on this once before so thankfully I know the emotional traps to avoid. I think I disappeared this time around not because of her - but I was really trying to move forward with things. I had dated (side note: holy SH*T some women are aggressive these days! WOW!) -- and started making plans for me...me and S. I really didn't have much to come here to complain or ask about. When she started engaging me a few weeks back about one thing or another, I decided to try to "take of my training wheels" and handle it with what I have learned thus far from the likes of you and others.
Meh - who knows what will happen. All I can say for certain is that S will be happy to have both mom and dad with him for a few days....that alone, seeing him that happy, is a big enough win for me.
This Disney trip went really, really well. And to answer the previous questions she went mostly on her own dime - but since I already had the hotel there was no need to spring for another room. We had a lot of fun and it was a good time to just kind of relax and enjoy without getting very heavy about things. S loved the attention.....but hated Splash Mountain....that's a whole 'nother story.
These last few days we have had some honest, open, hard talks. It is the first time in a long time that we have been able to bring a lot of sensitive issues to the table and be "OK" with discussing them. We covered everything from parenting to our married sex life and the infertility process. Long overdue, but it is clear we have both come some distance in terms of communication. No one pointed fingers, no one blamed...we both just listened and tried to understand each other.
She made a remark (and this is typical) that she absolutely has seen change in me...in what I say, how I react, what I do - and so on. She just wonders how much of it is real as opposed to a script fed to me by a therapist or something. Without getting defensive (seriously!) I told her that where I am today is the result of three years worth of suffering, loss and reflection on my life. THAT is what brought about the change - and what I have learned from the folks here is that change like that tends to last. She understood and even said she had heard that before elsewhere.
We have been spending more time together as a family and periodically check in when we are apart....we've started working out together again as well. I remain guarded but still feel ok delicately moving forward. I have been through this once before and I know what not to do again....so I am not putting a lot of eggs in one basket and I am not pushing the pace or the discussion.
It would be premature for me to say "yes" or "no" right now - but early cautious indicators would point toward yes. There has been a fresher sense of openness about things and I am curious to see if it sustainable and mutual. There have also been signs of trust between us that are kind of "seedlings" at the moment - but could continue to grow. So as of now, I am happy to have her involved again with the life I share with S....time will tell how sustainable it is, but it is progressing slowly with a lot of communication. Nothing physical has transpired, and I am very, very OK with that.
I know what a dance this is. Sometimes you have to go on faith and no expectations.
Go slow. There is no hurry.
H and I starting getting closer around this time last year and he moved back at Christmas. That was fast and after being apart for so long, it's difficult blending lives. I don't know that going slower would have made that easier but it might have.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
It would be premature for me to say "yes" or "no" right now - but early cautious indicators would point toward yes. There has been a fresher sense of openness about things and I am curious to see if it sustainable and mutual. There have also been signs of trust between us that are kind of "seedlings" at the moment - but could continue to grow. So as of now, I am happy to have her involved again with the life I share with S....time will tell how sustainable it is, but it is progressing slowly with a lot of communication. Nothing physical has transpired, and I am very, very OK with that.
Crimson
RE Her questions or comments about your changes...I'm wondering if there will be a time when YOU can ask her if HER changes are real and lasting.
B/C let's face it, SHE had some big issues that were unresolved -- and which lead to you two not making it last, last spring.
So, Has SHE worked on her nasty internal problems -- and how do you know? A little hesitation on YOUR END, would be a good/great idea.
Do not let her assume you'll be there, standing, regardless of Her choices...
When she speaks about the future or things like you two, do NOT jump in quickly... I'd probably give a vague mysterious answer now & then too,
such as "Yikes, let's take this slowly b/c --- I'm NOT ready for 'X' just yet"...b/c..., well, Crimson... b/c how can you be ready now??
Just a thought, but do be reticent about recommitting. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve.
She will feel pressured by that, and no one wants that.
Hugs to you & to your son too. Keep us posted!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Ooops! Okay, Now that I have reflected...YES I do think it's better this way.
So, Any NEW tools or behaviors in the communication arena? I think that is key. And any chance of going to Retrovaille? It will NOT Harm you and it might very well help you a lot.
--Come to think of it, I can't see how it could harm any couple, and every single couple we attended with, said it helped. Some said it helped "more than expected" and others said "it's a miracle", but no one was blasé about it.
Crimson, I just pray you will learn for sure, some NEW ways of communicating and approaching each other. Otherwise I fear you'll be back here, without good news.
Any updates?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
There are updates and there have been notable improvements in the channels of communication - believe it or not, championed and advocated by her. When she met with my counselor on her own quite some time back (remember that?) she was identified as codependent in our relationship....hell, I was too in countless regards. She has really dug into that and identified with it -- it has become a reference point and catalyst for a lot of discussion and kind of changes the lens with which she reviews the past a bit. Don't get me wrong, I still certainly don't look GOOD in the past through that lens by any stretch of the imagination - but it gives her context for her behaviors, actions, inactions and feelings back then. My counselor also pointed out to her (and to me) that I fell somewhere on the narcissism scale - fortunately nowhere near the sociopath range and but for SURE in the self-absorption space. That, too, has helped both of us understand things better....when it is in format or a construct that we can look back upon and use as a benchmark or a tool with which we can explain or view things - a lot of things fall into place and the picture of the failure of our marriage comes into a sharper focus. There are more variables to this equation, but the simple "boiled-down" version is:
Codependent Male + Codependent Female + Self Absorbed Male - Accountability + Poor Communication = Failed Marriage
That is probably the easiest way for me to put it, again -- there are other factors but that sums it up pretty nicely.
We are working pretty hard at maintaining honest, open communication - which is quite a new thing. It has its challenges because she still has a pretty soft "underbelly" when it comes to digesting criticisms and constructive feedback, but I am also learning that it is about how I deliver the message.
She is at the house a lot more and we are both talking about making changes here and there to make it more comfortable and erase bad memories. It's amazing how much negative energy and emotion a "thing" can evoke just based upon its association with a memory. So we have already painted the kitchen and are looking at new art and pictures for our walls. I was pretty much one-sided and not very collaborative when we were married and did this. For her, having a a moment to "shake the etch-a-sketch" and have a clean palate upon which to start is helpful.
As weird as this may sound, for quite a few years (and still) I had a large picture or a dead, barren tree hanging over our bed. I took the picture at the Grand Canyon and it turned out really well.....but symbolically? Is that what you want hanging over the bed you share with your spouse? After infertility and a dead marriage? MMMMM, probably not....small thing, but it matters.
We had about a 2 hour talk in the driveway last Sunday about a lot of things. We have yet to become "physical" as I may have mentioned before - not just sex or anything, we don't hold hands or anything along those lines just yet. I am beginning to realize that she (and most women, I suppose?) needs to feel emotionally secure before that line is crossed. And it is easier to do that with a stranger with which you have no history (I.E. the OM) as opposed to someone you have a history with....me. I told her in the driveway that it made me feel "ugly" or "unattractive" to her -- I didn't say it in a guilt or shaming way, but she kind of received it like that. She then said something rather enlightening "Chris, I could work with a dozen good looking men and not have romantic feelings for any of them". Well, that opened my eyes a bit.
I explained this to my counselor and she very wisely told me that women need to feel emotional before they feel sexual with anyone - and men, in many respects, need to feel accepted sexually before they are emotional or vulnerable. As she put it, God probably made it that way as a system of checks and balances so we don't "f*ck each other to death"....her words not mine (I love my counselor!). So that really helped me start getting over my ego hang-ups with the lack of physical touch. I understand that she needs to feel emotionally secure...safe...before that opens back up for us. And, as she said last night via text, everything seems surreal about the changes that I have made over the years....like they are almost too hard to believe and trust. However, a wise woman once told me:
Time + Consistency = Change she can believe in.
I just didn't know that it would require THAT much time. IF you are in the heat of your situation and reading this, bring a dose of patience.
With regard to S, he is loving this all. A few weeks back we sat on the couch watch old videos of him on my MacBook that neither of us had seen for years. He sandwiched himself between us, used his tiny arms to pull us both closer an said - "get closer! like we're a family!" -- it really touched my heart. X said "we are a family". I did not ask for details. He said similar things while we were at Disney, too.
So....I need to get running. I have my open water dive exam tomorrow and I have been cloistered away studying for the last few days. Thoughts? 25? Anyone? I would love your feedback.
On one hand, I'm concerned about her "underbelly" still not handling feedback that isn't all positive, and I'd very much like to see that get some focus.
On your behalf, I feel cautious...
On the other hand, a big part of me wants to CLAP CLAP CLAP!!! Because this is almost as good as it can get.
So I guess my feedback would be, Carry on as you are, stay the course and take your time.
Especially in your situation (based on your past experience), please take it slowly. Find out why she left last time and how to avoid that from happening again, and get her to communicate frustrations/pain before she lets it fester too much...
BTW, I agree with what your counselor said about intimacy & how men/women view it so differently.
Reminds me of what my favorite brother said about sex one time. He was divorced and then he dated a lot, and he had 3 d's from his m.
I told him I didn't understand how he could sleep with so many women he barely knew, and why didn't he want to get to know them first?
To which HE replied, "that's HOW I get to know them". (ME: "Oh...")
Boy, ^^^ that IS a big difference between men and women.
Most of my female friends, (not all, but most) want to get to know the man first, to feel "safe" with him, and THEN to pursue the physical aspects of compatibility.
It's one factor in dating that I would dread. Being intimate is something I like, don't get me wrong. But NOT knowing the person well, geez, it makes me think about things like "Does he like this, or that?" And "Does that stretch mark, which is NOT from carrying HIS children, freak him out?" And "God, I hope he's not one of those 'conquest & never call again' types"....(you'd hope by middle age that it is NOT something we have to deal with, but I don't know for sure...)
Maybe this^^^ sounds silly, but a lot of my friends and sisters say they think that way at times. With a few exceptions of course. There are probably biological reasons we don't feel comfortable w/intimacy too quickly as well, the inherent "stuck holding the bag" of unexpected pregnancies maybe, or just the "he didn't call after 'it'," and of course the infamous but frequently stated "Gosh I sure hope he's not an axe murderer!" also plays a role.
All I know is I hear the "I don't feel comfortable enough yet", a lot.
Back to YOU...I'm crossing my fingers. I'm very tempted to do my happy dance...
but I will hold off on that, til YOU say we can, okay?
CARRY ON!!
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 07/31/1405:11 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
As weird as this may sound, for quite a few years (and still) I had a large picture or a dead, barren tree hanging over our bed. I took the picture at the Grand Canyon and it turned out really well.....but symbolically?
I've read this post a couple of times and I laugh at this every time. So what are you going to replace the dead tree (teehee) with?
I've often wondered why you don't post much to others here and thanks for visiting me. I think in the past I've encouraged you to post to others. Why do you think that is? I know what you say it is but, really?
I know I've probably said this to you before but one of the best things I've learned through this is don't take things personally.
The title of my new thread: Baby steps, patience and embracing uncertainty (I had to take out embracing as it was too long but you get the idea)
It's always true.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I know as odd as this may sound, I still wrestle with the notion that I could actually HELP someone - you know? There have been a few situations where I have checked in and tried to help because for some reason the prima facia evidence of what the H was possibly getting "wrong" resonated with me (SM34 anyone?). And then there are a lot of situations that are so dissimilar from mine I wouldn't even know where to begin....infidelity and so on. I don't even feel remotely qualified to weigh in on those. Now, if you present me with a well-intentioned husband that was/is living a very clueless, self-absorbed life and thinks everything is just peachy -- all the while his wife is seething, unhappy, and plotting a way out -- yeah, I think I could help there.
I am all caught up on your thread/sitch. Very happy to read that things are progressing in a positive direction.
The one thing that I will suggest(which has already been suggested), is to look into Retrouvaille. It will help you communicate on a whole different level. It will make you dig to places that you don't even realize. The program is profound.
My W and I attended a Retrouvaille CORE meeting about a month ago. It isn't the in depth part, like the weekend or post sessions, but a good little refresher nonetheless.
After the meeting, we went for coffee with the hosting couple who have become good friends. I was struggling with a sense of entitlement. I was aware of it, but was unable to overcome that attitude. I brought up my issue. The H told me that I had a lot of responsibility for our sitch, given that I was the enabler. Oh snap, that was a reality check. I had to be accountable for my part. Just needed someone to slap me with it. It made a world of difference.
I highly suggest you consider it.
Keep on keeping on.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I think when she moved back in last year for a few months I suggested it - but in retrospect neither of us was in a place where we were truly ready to take certain things on. This time around feels notably different - so it may happen, Retro-V that is.
We have spent time together as a family mostly every weekend and we have engaged in some pretty honest talks....several of them, actually. More than anything, she is acknowledging and owning her role in the dynamic that tanked our marriage. Not only that but she has taken a look back into her past with her family and childhood to see how it contributed to her actions in our relationship. "Connecting the dots" as she calls it, helped her take steps forward.
We still have yet to cross any physical lines...not even holding hands or hugs, but I suspect that will come along in time if we stay on this trajectory. Time will tell, but we seem to be doing OK and going through the normal paces and emotions/feelings that come along with this stage....I think....at least my IC said so.
), keep busy (scuba studying) and lean in on my friends a lot.
(Insert Jeaopardy Music)