Talked to my L. The language is somewhat vague in the agreement - but it would look as if she can take 10. As long as we are within the parameters of the agreement, I am fine. So that's that......how do I break that news graciously??
I left her a voicemail. I figure we are over the email stage - it really is not too productive. I basically just told her that the language of the agreement was vague (it really is!) but 10 days seems fair and within the terms (it is). Told her to go and have a good time with her friends and family. Even though I am way past the point of trying to prove myself, I did try to be kind and the bigger person. And yes, it was difficult...and yes, I wanted to say a lot more that would have been "editorializing", but as my friend told me today, I was being presented with an opportunity to show grace in a difficult situation....maybe that was the whole point of this thing....who knows.
I did say, kindly, that in the future we should keep matters like this between the two of us because I am not comfortable discussing matters that have to do with me, her and S with someone other than her.
Even though I know I did the right thing in the spirit and letter of the law I still can't help but feel as if somehow I've been "had". Probably just my pride...but the agreement is what the agreement is. Love it or hate it.
Happy birthday man. I think you've been handlings things well. About taking your son... Anytime my ex changes her mind and I get to have s3 longer(I've even bailed on plans to see him), I take it. I don't care why I get him, I'm happy that I do.
You're doing well. Keep it up!
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
Thanks, 2TH. I just kind of side with Sandi on this one....not sure if I trust her generosity just yet....I think she had other motives. Plus, I still feel I need to honor the terms of the agreement. Don't get me wrong...my heart hurts deeply that I am spending my bday without my son. I s*cks. Badly.
Sandi - was I "too nice" in leaving a polite message? I don't expect it to be appreciated at all...but I felt since the agreement was allowing for what she was requesting it needed to be done. It's hard to be gracious to someone that is sniping at you and not being kind.
Plus, and I feel bad for being this small, part of me truly wanted her to experience not getting what she wants for once in this process - ya know? I feel like I have been on the sh*t end of the stick forever while she galavants happily along. It's small, and I know that...and I don't like thinking that way....but I am just being transparent.
The language essentially reads "During the summer each parent shall have two nonconsecutive weeks of vacation time. However, no S will not be away from either parent for more than 10 days".
My interpretation (and hers, at one point) was that he could not be out of town for more that one week....7 days. I called my L today and asked him to disambiguate the language for me. Basically (and I'll use fake days to make it easy), I thought it means that if she has if Mon, Tue, Wed, in Phoenix she could STILL leave for Iowa for 7 days (one week) since he would be away on vacation for one week and in combination with her three days of parenting time would not exceed 10 days. I was sure that was what it meant. L said otherwise....she could take the 10 since she is free to go to Iowa with him even on her regular parenting time.
It was my mistake and misinterpretation. Not done maliciously, but it would appear that I was wrong. I DID check the agreement and made sure.....I just got it wrong...the language was not clear to me.
I thought I had a clearer understanding of the agreement. That's why I did not contact L until yesterday. I was wrong, GM, I'm not happy about it - but I was. Let me stress that again - I am not happy about it. And yes, I know now I look like I caved in again - I'm not happy about that either. It was a mistake. I dug my heels in for something I thought was right and it wasn't. Whatever the consequences are for that, implied or otherwise, I've got to own them.
XW texted me last Thursday saying "thanks for the voicemail - it will make our summer (the vacation time)". I did not respond or anything.
I had S this weekend and kept him pretty busy. We went to a 9:00 church service and grabbed donuts afterwards. Surprisingly, she texted asking how S was doing. I thought about saying nothing at all -- but for one reason or another felt pulled to be kind. I simply replied "He's good...we hit the 9:00 service and went to get donuts. We've been keeping it moving all weekend". She did not reply.
This morning she texted wanting to know if she has to pick S up at my house tomorrow (he is done with pre-k for the summer and is at my parents place Mon/Tue). I said "sure". She responds "what time?"....I simply say "6:00? Shouldn't be much later than that I think". No response. Then, for some reason, I decided to just ask "How've you been?". Probably shouldn't have, looking back on it....but in the moment I felt it was the right thing to do. I certainly am out of pursuit mode and have barely spoken to her at all. She did not respond.
I dunno....seems weird that she is always this staunch advocate for a "good co-parenting relationship".....but I don't know what that looks like to her. We can't go on for the next decade-plus pretending that the other doesn't exist. We don't have to be pen-pals, but basic politeness that you would exhibit towards a stranger in not unreasonable. All I can do is try to extend it, and I did so without an agenda or expectations, and she basically cast her vote on the matter. Message received. Staying dark would appear to be the answer, no? Am I off base here?
The minute you stopped discussing the son and asked her how had she been.....it became about "her". I don't think you know how to just be just a co-parent with her. In the past, you always added too much to your end of the text or phone call. You can say you aren't in the pursuit mode all you want.....but you clearly did it anyway. And frankly, I can't believe you think she's being weird. I mean, until your chat with the lawyer, you were the one who wasn't being so friendly. So, the minute you cool your heels, you stop detaching?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
let her go for real now. She has a lot of lessons to learn and imo, you slow her down.
But so that I am clear, is she using HER time to visit her family or yours?
I'm excited about your Scuba certification, btw. Sounds very cool. Especially in AZ
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
