Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
Well, here I am somewhere I don't want to be. After 29 years of marriage my h has left. I got the "I love you but not in love with you". It's a bit of a long story but I will try and condense it as best I can.
H's father died many years ago and his mom just passed 2 years ago. 6 months after his mom passed he had a mini stroke. In October I had no choice but to leave a very good job and at the same time h had just moved to a new company. We have a d15. So lots of stressors in the last couple of years.
I was a bit depressed over my job loss and feeling a bit insecure so right at Valentine's Day h asked me if he should send his female boss (who he couldn't stop talking about) flowers for Valentines. I said no, you don't send your boss anything for Valentines. Then I found out he did it anyway and got suspicious and checked his phone and email. I have never done that before. There was some stuff I thought was inappropriate and confronted him about it and he got mad. We had a fight and he left but came back a bit later and said to just forget it like it had never happened. So I wrote him a letter and apologized for doing that and explained I was just feeling insecure and being stupid and I wouldn't do it again. The next day when he read the letter he flew off the handle. That's when he left and gave me the "I'm not in love with you anymore", locked me out of our cell phone plan.
The first 4 weeks he came over every Sunday, called and was all over me and acting jealous about where I'd been, etc. I was in counseling at this time and he said he wanted to go, too. Bad move. After first session together, he seemed happy about it and thought we could work things out, but after his ic he took off his ring and said we are done. Actually he made an appointment for us together, but had already taken off ring and so I knew he was going to waylay me at therapy, which he did and the therapist was so kind to tell him how to divorce me online so it would be cheaper.
Anyway, here we are now, and he still wants sex when he comes over, which is now sporadic, as well as keeping in touch with our kids is also hit and miss, but he hasn't mentioned the d word again, but he certainly doesn't keep in contact with me anymore.
My heart is broken and I don't understand all this. I've read Divorce Remedy, about 10 times now. I've made goals of which I've reached none. I understand if this is a mlc that it is somewhat different, but I don't know if it is a mlc or if he just hates me. He certainly isn't telling me anything. I need help.

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
A
AJM Offline
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
Welcome Tears. Very sorry you're here, but glad you found this place.

Have you seen the postings by Cadet? I think that might help.

Throughout this, have you decided what it is you want in the long-term? Have you wrestled enough with the idea that it isn't you? It doesn't sound like it's about you to be honest.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
No, I haven't. Is there a way to look Cadet up, I'm not familiar with this forum yet.
I've been told it sounds like mlc and right now I'm not giving up. I'm just trying to learn how to deal with it.
Still struggling with the idea that it's not me as I know I can be a pain in the butt. But so can he. I'm working on improving the qualities about myself that I don't like and trying to learn how to interact with h in a better way. But I'm struggling a lot. Lots of setbacks. But I cause those myself and can't seem to quit because I focus too much on h. I mean, I don't pester him or call him or bother him in anyway, it's that he's always in my head.

Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
1) This isn't about you. Most likely he's infatuated with the boss, whether there is or isn't anything going on between them. And most likely he's depressed and that infatuation is acting like a drug.

2) This doesn't mean you're off the hook - if there are things you know you are responsible for in the relationship, fix them.

3) You said he had a ministroke - strokes can sometimes cause personality changes. Did they put him on any new medications after the stroke? Medications can also cause changes.

Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
Yes, he even transferred out of her area after he left.

I have identified what I am responsible for and am working on those things. At least those thinks I think have been problematic as h has said nothing other than he has no input with our d (which is not true) and I'm controlling, yes, because he works many hours and someone has to keep up the house and chores and school stuff after work. That fell to me and I would ask for his input on things but he wouldn't give any. But I've been working on the controlling part anyway because there's always room for improvement.
They did not put him on any medications after the stroke. But I have learned that they now believe that mini strokes can cause personality changes where they once believed that wasn't true. But I could find nothing on whether these are permanent or not, but that if this occurred they would need help.
Some of these changes, irritable behavior, being nasty to family, kind of checking out slowly was before the stroke. I chalked it up to stress and being tired, but I shouldn't have. Although those things were certainly a contributing factor I'm sure. But I think it was coming on since the year before his mom died.
His best friend for the last 2 years is 21 years old and that friendship has become even closer. It's very weird. H took d15 out for dinner tonight and she said he was texting with him all the way home. Even told her his buddy said to say hi to her and she doesn't even know the guy. Maybe it's not o/w? LOL

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
hi tears -

so sorry to find you here- BUT it'll help you alot to have the support and kindness of people here. it's been a life saver for me. just to feel understood in all this insanity. and it is a world of insanity and pain.

i know how the grief consumes you . i felt like i might spontaneously die any minute - or that a hole would open up in the earth and swallow me - for the first year or two. i never thought i'd make it thru so far -

i'm approaching third year- my h, it turns out- cheated a long long time- i never ever knew. i trusted completely- always- for about 36 years. he has not cleared out of my life totally- he still has ow -i still don't like it a bit- but i haven't left either. i do not pretend to know what i'll do "in the end" or he will either.

he is nicer than a few years ago- his criticism and temper and "hell" life is less when we're together.

i'm, not saying i'm "cured" or that my life is "fixed" or he's "cured" or anything else other than- good for you finding this place because it's been a sanity saver for me.

i ended up getting several mwd books- i like her philosophy and feel i can see that her advice applies to things. when i don't talk- i see it's better. when i don't "take the bait" - i could see it was better. I said my piece, didn't beg or plead or try to convince. it was a better result than when i'd try and have a relationship talk, etc. it is some good common sense stuff..

she is right on point with alot she says and observes. i'm not a perfect one at carrying everything out- my life is still quite a mess - my h i cannot imagine where this will end up- it's such a giant mountain of c rappola. s ome days i am overwhelmed by it all- most days i manage to keep busy and get on with my life, have some good friends who've held my hand- mostly it'll be you talking to your self- and keeping self "even" when possible.

but - this forum- lots of interesting stories, good advice, some bad advice, some patient, kind people that restore your faith in humanity- some bossy-boots. take what you need and what applies - it will help you a heck of alot, no kidding.

take what you can use and let them alllll help you. i can't even go back and read my posts in beginning- i was "bleeding"allover the place- i'm trying to forget that part of my past, i don't have a plan for future and i'm getting good at trying to stay in the moment. it's a better way to go about it.

all you have to do is stay alive today, try to sleep tonite and if you can find something good in this day- about your life (which you probably can) stop and notice it and try to enjoy it (hard i know) - but try.

someone told me early early on- view it like a car crash. (i can't remember it properly - but sometyhing like: first are you alive? staunch the bleeding, breath; then worry about getting up, figuring what's the damage, how to proceed, etc.

just wanted to say hey- and that you've done a good thing for self- getting yourself into this place. good luck- these guys are nuts, make no mistake- when mwd says it'll be the hardest thing you've ever done or endured in your life- she's not kidding.

i guess i do think , th o, that after soooo many good years, i can try and suck up a few bad and see at least - where it all ends up. i guess no one just gets to be happy their whole life- tho finding out your life might have been a giant sham isn't so nice either- so, here's me , takin my lumps in the form of some truly hell years- i think i've got a way to go- i'm tired as hell of this, it stinks and no one should have to endure it- but i'm still alive - i am "better" and my heart is less torn open and who knows, how it all will end??? not me- hope any of that made sense- i'm so bored by my own "story" - but wanted to say being here is best move you could be making at this time- hold on- we all can get thru this somehow -

i'm outta here- good luck.

xxo

Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
Hi Tears,
I'm so sorry you're here. Cadet will post homework for you to read shortly - do the homework! It's one of the things that has helped most of us through this, educating ourselves on what's going on and then accepting that it isn't our fault (the LBS...left behind spouse). You have come to a good place and I would suggest reading everything you can here, then also post and the vets will offer guidance and we'll all offer support. You're not alone.


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
I'm technically 3months in and still have dramas. Eating is really odd, but I've lost a huge amount of weight. Which helps, while I feel I'm starving, being someone who gained and lost but mostly gained and has been heavy all my life, this has been a blessing in a way.

There will be positives, and negatives. Just don't let it end your world. Most things aren't fatal until we are dead. While it seems bad and like death you are stronger than you ever know.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
The bits I like best on my bd, was I will have a gf and you will be my best mate (insert all good bits from r here - ml) and we will do x y z etc.

Stupid me fell for the we will still do xyz and asked well lets do xyz. To be told um no, not ok. I fell for the pretty picture complete with there has been no ow all along.

Wrong. They tell porkies. Even tho I knew it from here, I kept thinking, nah can't be.
I just count the lies, and think how stupid are you a kid or a grown man!


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
Thanks all,
My BD was also 2/14. I'm still in a daze sometimes. It's very difficult and emotionally I run the tracks from fine, to sad, to despondent, to angry, heartbroken, lost, confused.
My h thinks I should be just fine with it all and we should be friends. Right. How does that work?
He's been from being jealous and couldn't leave me alone, to hating me, to pretending concern, and now he's playing the I'm going to make sure you are taken care of, but who knows how long that will last. I try to just ignore it all.
He lies about the dumbest stuff and his lies are all so very bad. I've learned to ignore it. He called me today to tell me about some finances and said he didn't tell me about them last night when he brought our d home because I looked mad. LOL I almost lost it on the phone because d had told me last night that she almost cracked up at the look on his face when he came in because the house was spotless and I was in such a good mood. She even high fived me after he left. When I told her he thought I was mad she said he's so full of it. He also told me our d asked him not to come in because it just makes me upset and then I cry. What a load.
I'm looking forward to learning how to get on with my life. I don't want it to be without him, but he's given me no choice so learn I will do.
From what I've read so far these last few months most of them don't return. I'm assuming that's a fair assessment? If so, the deck is stacked against me so I need to learn quickly.
Thanks for your help.

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
A
AJM Offline
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
Tears, I think you can find Cadet's postings at the top of the forum. It's one of the stickied items there if I recall correctly. If not, you can use the search item and search for Cadet's posts and you'll find the links in one of those.

What you describe about him and about you and your feelings strike me as completely normal for this forum. I wish it weren't so.

I'll caution you. You really can't make the generalization that many don't return. Many do. (Be careful what you wish for)

All in all, this may not be what you asked for or about you, but it is a chance for you to really work on you. Regardless of what he does. But until you get a chance to grieve and get that out of your system, it's a lot of ups and downs. Hang in there and learn to surf the waves as they come. You'll see what I mean.

AJ

P.S. Be careful to not setup a situation where you crave your daughter's confirmation that you're not crazy. Or anyone's, but her's specifically. It'll put her in a bad spot with regards to a relationship with her dad.


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
I found Cadets thread, thank you.
Being careful about kids. Unfortunately, he has treated all 3 of them with little regard and coldness and lied to them all blatantly. We only have d15 still at home and he has put her through it, not calling, not seeing her regularly, and the thing that hurts her most she told me is that he never says he loves her anymore. Our older kids he just doesn't keep in contact with.
Being that our kids are old enough to be aware of what goes on it's hard to shield them. When he blatantly lies to our d that he has to work when he is off so he doesn't have to come and see her there is no way to deflect that. I made excuses for him at first but they didn't fly and she pretty much told me that she isn't stupid and to quit treating her that way.
So the kids and I try not to talk about him at all. D15 only talks about him when she sees him. I don't ask her to, but she does. I think it's because she has told me many times how uncomfortable she is with him. She says he's not the same and only talks about himself and his friend.
But I will try to be more observant of how I interact with the kids when their father comes up.

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

The link for the resources:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...6668#Post526668

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

Odds and Ends of MLC(new from Delboy)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=656357#Post656357

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template
which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively.
It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena).
So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.
(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.

I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power
_________________________


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 55
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 55
Hi dear - sorry to find you here!

I don't have much advice I'm afraid, since I'm a newbie and pretty much in your same situation. But you are in my thoughts and I'm rooting for you. You're not alone!


Me: 26, BF: 33, R: 9yrs
Bomb dropped April 17th 2014
Currently No Contact
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
Today is hard. I think because of Mother's Day. I'm trying to learn to detach and GAL but I'm finding it very difficult. The pain is still very strong and I have a hard time with my emotions sometimes.
Like today h called our d to be sure she didn't need any help with Mother's Day and that he would call her next week (I guess still too busy to call her daily) to set up a time for them to get together.
I don't know why this upset me so much. But I've been crying since she told me. It hurts that he left and even more that he plays these dumb games. On the outside it seems nice of him but it's not. He hasn't spoken to d all week and that's what he calls her about. And the rule of no crying when he is around and go find yourself another man to make you happy. I don't cry around him but he always warns me not to. I rarely see him and I try to not speak to him if possible although he seems to find reasons to push that when a text will work just fine.
I don't need a man to make me happy. What a crock. Just like he thinks I should take our d and move to another state. Wow, I didn't know I was that horrible.
I don't know this man, he is mean and horrible, so why do I cry over him? I wish I could let go a lot quicker, like right now.

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
A
AJM Offline
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
I suppose one question to ask - is it him that you're crying over?

Quote:
I don't know this man, he is mean and horrible, so why do I cry over him? I wish I could let go a lot quicker, like right now.
Or is it part of the grieving the marriage/relationship and the shock at how different he is?

Calling to make sure your D remembers Mother's day, by itself, is not ominous. But your feelings are still very raw and it's not what you wanted nor expected, right?

No, you're not that horrible. This is his issue. There's no getting around that. But try not to make it yours by having expectations about how he'll act. Regardless of what he says, your expectations will keep you stuck.

Took me a long time to learn that. I hope it's a little faster for you smile

Don't be surprised as things come up that they invoke emotions you thought you dealt with. It's part of it. It happens to us all.

Happy Mother's day! Don't let his antics spoil the day for you.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
I'm trying not to. I had to work this morning so I had to leave my phone on in case d needed me. I planned on turning it off the second I hit the door but h had to text me first thing this morning in all caps Happy Mother Day. I'm sure it was a mass text like at Easter. He just keeps pushing and I don't get it. I leave him alone why doesn't he do the same? It feels like a slap in the face to me. He's been going on about this with d for 2 weeks before today and she has repeatedly told him that she has mothers day for me and her under control and to stop, no sending flowers or calling. But he just keeps it up.
I could really understand this if this was what we both wanted, but he knows I don't feel the same way he does and yet he continues to push his own agenda. So to me it feels like a slap in the face.

Joined: May 2014
Posts: 55
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 55
I think I am having a similar thought process, even though our situations are different... I don't want this new, mean, horrible person. I want the person he was before! Where did it go? Is it dead for good? Was it never there and I just had 'salami slices in front of my eyes' (as we say in Italy!) because I was in love?

I suppose it takes some time to let go of what was before, especially if it all changed so quickly and so abruptly. And I definitely don't understand why he's pushing you like this. Obviously he's being very selfish - he gets something out of getting a rise out of you (maybe proof that you still care?) and the need to have that validation overrides the concern for your wellbeing...


Me: 26, BF: 33, R: 9yrs
Bomb dropped April 17th 2014
Currently No Contact
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
I don't think he wants to know if I still care. I think he would be happy if I dropped off the face of the earth. When I do have to see him he looks at me like I'm a piece of garbage. He says he doesn't understand why I'm so upset and don't just get on with my life, like this is no big deal. I guess for him it's not a big deal, and that's the really hard part to digest.
I guess in mlc they only care about themselves. That's very apparent in this case. I'm trying to forget about him and lock the past away and pretend like he never was a part of my life. Right now I wish he never was in my life. That I had never met him.

Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
Tears I'm so sorry you're having a bad day. We all go through that during this sh*t, it's natural. I had a bad day yesterday too for no reason, just sometimes it hits you and you realize you're still grieving. I cried for the first time in weeks, just want the pain to stop and it does ease up a bit. It's hard to put the past away and not think about it, I think we get hormonal too and some days are just worse than others. It's true they are very selfish in MLC and it does sort of hope to think of them as gone, out of the country, some say think of him as dead but I don't feel right about that so I just think he's gone on a long distance trip and I won't see him for a very long time. Change up your house and get rid of things that remind you of that past life. Journal Journal Journal and then journal some more. Go for a walk. allow yourself to grieve. find ways to get rid of your anger in a positive manner, or break dishes if you have to smile sometimes really loud heavy metal music helps me. or a hot bath and crying. read books, work on yourself. that's the only thing in your control. eventually we learn to let go. we have to. you're not alone, this is his problem, you're not garbage and you will find strength you never knew you had. take it a day at a time, an hour at a time. it does get better.


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
A
AJM Offline
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
Tears, first off - Happy Mother's Day!

Quote:
He says he doesn't understand why I'm so upset and don't just get on with my life, like this is no big deal
Why don't they just go away? Why do they act like it's no big deal, get over it?

Hard to say really. If you've seen Cadet's posting of lists of reading, you'll see it's not uncommon. It seems to me that the nature is: selfishness, control, and pretending everything is "normal". That seems to me like how a depressed or mentally anguished person acts. As is often mentioned regarding a MLCer, believe none of what they do and half of what they say. The reason for that is that, well, they lie. They act like aliens, even to themselves. I suspect that's why later, after the dust settles, they really don't remember much of the junk they spew. At first. They know they treated you horribly, but not the specifics. As if it was somebody else doing it, at the time.

The key is to see what they do with that shame, guilt, etc after the journey.

How long is the journey? Nobody knows nor can predict.

For the family members, it's as if an IED went off close to them. Devastating and painful. To have them keep coming back as if it's your fault and "why can't we just get along" builds a lot more character in you then you might like right now smile

It's been 7 or 8 years since my wife left. It started with ILYBINILWY speech, then went on to she wanted to date etc. Then to blaming me. She remarried a few months after the divorce. She has been trying to "take" the kids, even though she left them at the time. She still, as recently as a few days ago, tries to do the same as your H is doing. Because I don't respond, she has recruited her H and my daughter into the drama. To me, it feels like she is trying to control things and still trying to blame me for her unhappiness. Along the way, she has been trying to do that in those words...

Why? I honestly do not know. I'm not perfect and never was, but 7 or 8 years later?

I talk about that because you should know that you need to figure out what you're going to do regardless of what he does. You need to work on you regardless of what is going on around you in relation to him. He will try very hard to illicit a reaction from you. He will feel in control if he can. In some ways, he will be if he can get a reaction from you.

Think about it. He's not doing this explicitly to hurt you. That's a symptom not the reason. You can't tell him that and you can't help him. But you can focus on you and your D and work to be a joyful person that enjoys her life without him.

You won't understand it, Tears. To do so would be to understand crazy. I don't wish that on you.

You are still grieving. That comes with all kinds of fun such as sorrow, anger, acceptance, etc. By fun I mean it is hard work that you cannot avoid. I promise it gets better and more manageable whether they go away or not. Whether they try to upset the apple cart or not. Whether or not he's in your life in any capacity. How and when is up to you. You'll get there when you get there.

Allow yourself the time to grieve and try to not get riled up by his antics. And don't beat yourself up if you do or if you have days that feel like a set back. Just remember the next day is a new day and could be a great one. Keep putting those great days together and allow that the bad ones come and go more quickly as time progresses. Regardless of what he does or doesn't do.


Peace,
AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
Thank you AJ. I will forgive myself for today being a hard day for me. I get so upset at myself when I can't stay focused on my goals and that makes it go even harder. You are right, it doesn't matter what he thinks that I should be fine and over this. He doesn't get to decide what I feel. I don't want to be stuck in the grieving process but maybe I'm just trying to hold it back too much and I need to let myself grieve when I need to for a while.
Your encouragement and insight is very helpful. It's all very confusing and his behavior is always a contradiction to what he says and then of course the lies and then it just overwhelms me.
I never react in front of him or to him. I have learned that much. I leave him alone and only respond to him when necessary. He sometimes makes that hard because a lot of times if I don't respond to him he will call our d and he knows I will respond then because I don't want her going through anymore than she already is.
So I will keep trying and cut myself some slack on the bad days.
I'm sorry for all that you have gone through AJ and what you are still going through. And I thank you for helping me.

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
A
AJM Offline
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
A couple things that may help:
Yep, they know how to push buttons to get what they want. Like a two-year-old trying to get some candy, they will stop at nothing. In many ways, they are just like a selfish two-year-old. But we aren't their parent, so some things are very different.

I found this link I think you might find useful: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=173939&page=1

You'll see at the top of the forum some information under Smurf's posting that has a lot of links. You can also search for Cadet and find his list of links (updated to be more current I imagine).

Some useful information to look at. In the link I put above, there's a link to a book that Snodderly (changed to job) talked about. I think you may want to have a look there as well.

Finally, don't misunderstand what I was saying about my own situation. I truly only told you so you'd know it may not go away. Many people who knew about my situation told me it would go away shortly after she left. Then it was shortly after she married. Or after she finished school. Or... But you should also understand I am not in the least sorry it happened. I feel for my kids, but I am just fine. If not better because of the experience. Not that I'd like to have admitted that before, but it is what it is.

Don't be so hard on yourself smile


AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
Thanks for the thread AJ.
I am aware that this isn't going to go away anytime soon or possibly not at all. This much I've learned even though I wish it weren't true.
Today h called d15. She said he didn't even ask about her, only wanted to know about me. That's the part that is really hard. She is sick with a sore throat and fever and he didn't even ask about her. Didn't even plan a day with her like he said he was going to. She was very mad but I know inside she is very hurt.
I feel for h that this is the way he is now. He is missing so much that he will never get back. I think I'm finally starting to get it that there has to be something wrong with him to not want to enjoy our kids. They are so much fun. If it was only me taking the hit then I would believe it's just the m, but this is so much more. And there is really nothing you can do about it. So I will do my best to find my way through this and be strong and happily involved with the kids.
And I will continue to read through the threads that you have suggested. Thanks so much.

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
A
AJM Offline
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
Tears, that's exactly right. It really is about him, and I doubt seriously this is something he "wanted" to happen. Try to keep that in mind regardless of what he says or does. In time, the things you're wondering about will become clearer. You'll become stronger and more balanced (if you work on you during all of this) and you'll find out how this will play out.

Until then, focus on you and the kids. Don't miss the time with them because of him. You'll regret that no matter how things end up.

Keep reading and keep posting. It helps to get your thoughts out. It helps not just you but others that are, or are about to go through the same things.

Another poster you may want to look up is RAINE. She has some interesting threads and is very articulate about her thoughts and feelings. 25MLC is another one I highly recommend, as I do Job. All very different situations, but they are all very good at articulating their feelings during their journeys.

Peace,
AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
Reading all the threads. I'm having some decent days and days that I struggle. Today is a struggle.
I have no contact with h except for finances now. He seems fine with that. He has pretty much stopped contact with our d15. He hasn't called her in a week or seen her in 2. That's very hard. Financially he has not kept up his agreement and lied about finances. This payday he needed to keep most of his pay for "doctors visits" (we have insurance) so sorry for me and d that he can't help out more. Great. And then wanted to know how I was doing. I didn't respond.
It's only been 3 months and I'm trying not to be too hard on myself but I really hate days like today when I'm feeling so sad and scared. He has pulled away even farther. I guess that makes him happy, to forget his past and move on, or it's part of the mlc. From what I understand it just gets worse.
Is that correct that some in mlc are very in contact in the beginning like he was when he first left and then just sort of disappear? I've left him alone from the beginning and only responded when he called and sent texts but since I've backed away from responding to anything except financial issues or d he has stopped also. But I had to stop because he was doing a lot of cake eating and telling me how I should be happy and find someone new and how mad it makes him that I don't and how we should just be friends, but when I would go out or not answer him right away I'd get the third degree or our poor d would.
I'm so confused.

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Tears,
I'm very sorry you are struggling w/your h's crisis. It's very normal for some them to have contact at the beginning of the crisis, but as they begin to move into replay, depression and
withdrawal, they do tend to disappear and only have contact when they have moments of clarity. Please keep in mind, they do tend to drop most, if not all interacts w/the spouse, children, pets, families and old friends.

There are three types of mlcers: 1)droplets, they come by once in a blue moon and then go off on their happy way again for long periods of time. 2) Drop ins, tend to come over and stay for dinner and do work around the home. They are like guests who come and go quite often and yet do not want to recommit to the relationship. I consider them heavy duty cake eaters; and 3) drop outs. Drop outs just up and disappear and you don't see them again for a very long time. They ride off into the sunset and one day show up once again...but you don't hear from them, see them or have any interaction w/them. Some never return and you never hear from them again.

As for doctor's visits, how often does he go and if he's got insurance, his co-pay can't be that high that he couldn't provide you w/some funding. He asks about how you are doing because he feels guilty for what he's doing and he's hoping that you are finding your way along and even though he wants you to meet someone new, he truly doesn't. It's all about him and how he wants to alleviate h is guilt and shame, something you have had nothing to do with.

If you need to discuss finances or your d, don't hesitate to contact him. As for being friends, well...their definition of friends is not the same as what we consider friends. They want us to sit on the sidelines, don't rock the boat and allow them to do whatever they want. Friends, like he's referencing at not what any of us want in our lives. He wants to be able to tell others how well the two of you are getting along, even w/the separation...he wants to look like the greatest guy on the planet and he certainly doesn't want to look bad to anyone.

As for telling him your business, especially when you go out...don't do it. If you discover he is giving your d the third degree, do not tell her everything you are doing while out. At least that will keep her out of the middle of his questioning. He's still trying to control and/or manipulate you even when he doesn't want to be w/you.

So, what do you do? You keep yourself busy, keep the focus on you and your d and allow this man to work through his crisis all by his lonesome. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him.

In time, you'll begin to see and better understand what's happening w/your h. You are going to have many days of confusion, as well as ups and downs. Try to get as much sleep as you can, drink plenty of fluids, eat properly and exercise. Stress can trigger many different types of health issues and you need to find a way to release that stress and yes, anger.

Continue to post as it's a good way to vent and we all have been where you are at. It's not a fun place to be.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
I quit telling him anything a few weeks ago and went as no contact as possible. He did call d a bit ago and made plans for Thursday, but again did not run it by me. I've let that go until now and I just sent him an email asking him to please set up visitation with our d through me and not d. Fortunately she has nothing pressing at school that day and we don't have plans so it's no a problem this week. But I felt I needed to give him that boundry. It's been over 2 weeks since he's seen her and then to just think he will make it whatever day whenever he wants isn't fair especially during a school day. I don't know what he's thinking.
I'm sure that will make him mad, but I don't know why. I've abided by all his wishes, I don't bother him or give him any grief and haven't since he left. He should be more considerate, so if he gets mad oh well.

Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,326
Likes: 20
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,326
Likes: 20
Hi Tears. I usually only post on my thread, but was reading yours and just thought I'd throw this out there:

No matter what you do, even giving him everything he wants, he will likely STILL get angry. MLCers are angry people. Angry at you, themselves, the world....It's just the way it is. That's why it is best for you to have as little contact as possible and detach. THAT has helped me more than anything.

I've been on this board three and a half years and am sometimes still baffled by my XW but......I don't let it get to me like it did in the beginning. It does get easier.

It [censored] to be on this board, but it is the best place to be during this difficult time. Take care.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 55
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 55
Reading some of the terrible behaviours some MLCers have, or even just the stress of when they keep switching between nice and monster for no reason whatsoever... I'm kinda happy mine is a vanisher. At the end of the day, if this is the end of the line, it's much better for me to go cold turkey and never hear from him again. Will save me a lot of stress.


Me: 26, BF: 33, R: 9yrs
Bomb dropped April 17th 2014
Currently No Contact
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
Thank you for your advice. It is all very baffling. I'm doing my best to learn how to detach and I'm getting better. NC is not a problem for me because honestly I'm in actual fear (emotional not physical) anytime I have to communicate with him. Just waiting for the next blow.
Trying very hard to keep it together for our d. I get frustrated when my emotions take over and I'm trying to be a little more forgiving of myself on that. I'm not quite there yet which I think is why I have so many ups and downs.
H still hasn't replied to my boundary setting for visitation with our d. I'm not surprised. He acts like he's 2. Because I don't reply to his texts of "how are you doing" he is now not responding to me. So stupid. His co-parenting leaves a lot to be desired.

Joined: May 2014
Posts: 4
M
New Member
Offline
New Member
M
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 4
I am new to this but have reading alot of threads. Very helpful. My H declared he has been working on your marriage for years and cannot do it anymore. (wish he would have told me he was working on it). He moved out of bed end of march and things have progressed very slow. We do counseling for our kids but lots of good internal reflection has come out of on my end. We both see a counselor separately. I started the process like everyone else begging,crying the whole bit. Progressed to showing I care which didn't work so I am doing the 180 and disengaging. Trying to go about my life. Hardest thing to do is to pretend to be happy. We have 3 kids together and right now all they know is mom and dad are having problems and dad is sleeping in the spare room. Although H has made it clear that he is not working on us. I struggle everyday and hope for a reconciliation but it looks bleak. We always had an up and down marriage like lost people. I feel like our counselor really opened our eyes to the root of the problem.....communication or lack of. Along with busy life. I think he gave us a good foundation to work from. But again H feels like he has tried and has nothing else to give. I'm so frustrated that I feel like giving up sometimes. What really is the stats of people reconciling because I feel hopeless.

Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
I have no idea about the stats Momo. But I'm so sorry you find yourself here going through this. Hopefully counseling will help and your h will open up to it. My didn't. He used it with no intention of trying to reconcile but only to finish things off. My h told the counselor he had no intention of changing anything about himself and that I was the whole problem.
My h also never told me there were any issues in our marriage prior to the bd. I am struggling also to try and put h out of my mind and move on. He hasn't filed for divorce yet although I have a feeling that will be coming soon and I won't fight him on it. It's not what I want but I also don't want to be in a loveless marriage. Now I just have to wrap my mind around the end of my marriage so I can move forward.
Not being given a chance to try and resolve issues and hopefully look forward to a better and happier marriage is the biggest punch in the gut.

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
Momo,

You need to start your own thread to get the help you need.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
hey tears -

Hi, & sorry to find you here- along with the rest of us. it's such a bust, finding out you have a crazy mate. Good news is that this forum and the people here , sharing their stories, have helped a heck of alot. maybe i wouldn't have made it so far if not for this forum and some of the friends i've made. and the outlook & attitude moderation you can get from the shared stories.

i'be been here for almost three years- i'm sorry to report it doesn't come quickly- the detachment. i was wondering today if i'm detached or not. i'm certainly less wounded and really in anguish than a few years ago. i used to think perhaps i'd just die from grief. i'd say it was about 2.5 yrs before i was anhything like near "detachment". i don't think i'm totally there, because i just found myself wondering if h down in fl (i'm in nj) - (he comes and goes (!!??) was going to see ow- and how much i detest it. good news is i'm not bleeding - bad news is, i thought about it. I am not enraged - but i do not like it one bit. i am not "getting used to" anything about this mld. i'm just tolerating it all til i see my way clerly ahead. awaiting wisdom here... tick toc tick toc

i wonder if we ever reach a totally detached state. lots of folks say they do. we all pray for it i guess.

I like Italian's comment:

Quote:
I don't want this new, mean, horrible person. I want the person he was before! Where did it go? Is it dead for good? Was it never there and I just had 'salami slices in front of my eyes' (as we say in Italy!) because I was in love?


i've definitely had salami over my eyes for about 36 years - talk about wtf???? i have a head full of salami apparently. i wonder too, today, where he went? is he in there? only God knows probably. maybe i i magined it all.

hang in there- expect the worst. and yet, what? don't become a person without hope ??? hard to get it rite- just takes time. lots and lots of time.

i'm pretty hopeful and optimistic person. this has me about giving up - but i'm still dbing - wondering if i'm nuts or him. (well, i know he is- but what does this make me?) i guess i'll find out "in the end".

hang on- you sound pretty normal and strong- it stinks and just like mwd says in book, no matter how long & awful - it feels about a million times more awful & waaay waaaay longer than eternityu. ta da - light and cheerful- that's me - ha. true...

good luck

xxo

Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
Things have just gotten worse. H picked up d15 today for visit, it only lasted 3 hours. She said he has his own bank account now which is where all the money went that he took out of the bank. She said he spent the whole time he was with her texting someone and complaining about d15. She said he never once asked her how she was. She said she was almost in tears in wanted to come home.
She said he asked her if I was dating and if I went out and where I went and what I did. Said he was worried about my emotional stability. WHAT??? D15 is scared. She says she thinks he is trying to find a way to not pay support and possibly get custody of her so he doesn't have to pay. She said she doesn't want to see him again.
Then to top that off he has the nerve to just walk in my house when he brings her home. And asks me how I am, which I didn't respond to. I continued with the laundry and he went off to the bathroom. I went to our room to hang up my laundry and when he comes out of the bathroom he asks d where I am and she say in the bedroom and guess where prince charming heads to? I guess he thought he'd get a little cake eating in. Well, wrong because I was just headed out the door and kept on going, almost ran him over.
I get he doesn't want me anymore, but why the nastiness? Why the lying about funds and making it difficult on me and d? I have not done anything to him for this type of behavior. I have left him alone and not said one word about his lies or the fact that he has not kept up the financial agreement we made. Not even close. I am making it so easy for him so why is he making it so hard for me? Is that part of mlc or just how men behave when they leave?

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
A
AJM Offline
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
Hey Tears. Sorry to hear about your daughter and her interaction. Your H will regret that at one point. Hopefully.

Why? Nobody knows why they take it out on those closest. They just do. It's par for the course, so to speak.

You did a great job handling it. You still are, although I know it feels horrible.

You can't help him with this. Remember that. This is his trip, and you can't go along. Nor would you likely want to.

In time and with effort you'll learn to detach. But know that he is not in his right mind. Don't expect him to be and it'll be much easier for you to detach.

Peace,
AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
I was told it would only get worse, I just didn't think it would with my h. Oh no, not him. Stupid.

I think I will be detaching at an alarmingly fast rate now. I'm actually moving from hurt and disbelief to anger and disbelief. He is swatting at a hornet's nest.

I've kept it civil and polite and left him alone and I will still leave him alone but the gloves are off concerning finances and it's time to involve the lawyer and get that taken care of and make sure I have custody of our d.

Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
Hi Tears,
Just so you know that what you are dealing with and how your H is acting isn't uncommon....my W of 20 years has said and done all the same things. She still lives with me which, if you can believe it, makes things worse at times. Her MLC started about 3 years ago after a long bout with depression. She totally stopped doing things with me and our 2 D's, now 18 and 14. After B-day I have heard that she has "tried" so very hard to make our M work. I didn't see her once "try". She now tells me that the reason she stopped doing things as a family was because she no longer could stand being around me! No matter that she told me how much she loved me many, many times, no, she hated being with me so much she stopped being a mother, going to school meetings and events, wouldn't take the time away from her new "friends" to even spend the day with our D's without me. But, it was because of ME that she did those things.

She tells me how much she enjoys doing things with me and still wants to be friends. (This after saying the above about hating being around me) She gets jealous of the time I spend with the kids and hates that our youngest doesn't want to do things with just her. What does she expect, she stopped acting like a mother long ago. Of course, this is my fault. One morning after we had a fight, I started taking my frustrations out on my D. She was running late for school (again) and I yelled at her. When we were in the car on the way I realized what I was doing and I started to cry. NOT because of my W, because of what I had just done to my D. I apologized to my D and told her that it wasn't her fault. Now, months later, my W brings this up and says I'm hurting our D by "weeping" in front of her because I can't handle she no longer loves me! Here is a woman who is doing things that hurt her D's and says "We all hurt our kids, they'll get over it" and I'm hurting them by "weeping" in front of her.

She lies and then says it wasn't a "lie" she just changed her mind about what she was going to do and just didn't tell me. If I don't agree with what she thinks is best for our D, I'm trying to make my D hate her mother. She hides money and over spends and if I tell her that she needs to be careful as we just don't have the money and she will over draw the checking account, I'm trying to "control" her.

All this and she still thinks she is doing everything so well so we can have a D that doesn't damage the kids. Try not to expect that he will be any different. I also thought "Oh, it won't get worse. Not with HER. She will be good about all this." and all that did was end up kicking me in the butt.

He really believes that what he does, no matter how the rest of the sane world would see it, is right. If he can't blame you for why he "feels" the way he does he would have to look inward and he wouldn't like what he finds and he knows it. So much easier to blame the horrible spouse. It sounds like it's time to start protecting yourself and your D and at least talk to a lawyer. I didn't do this as my W swore she wasn't going to do that, at least not yet and less than a week later she went to a lawyer and suddenly was in a big hurry to start moving things along.

I know how much this hurts, really I do. My M went from her swearing that she had no thoughts of D or separation to 12 weeks later B-day and she wanted NOTHING but a D. No MC, no trying to work on our problems. I think like my W does about me, that your H thinks you will always be there for him at least as a friend or any way HE chooses, doesn't matter what he says or does.

And when it comes to custody, at least in my state, it's very hard for a man to get custody even when he is the better parent. At least you have that in your favor. Document everything, all the financial stuff, the not showing up to be with D, the not even calling. It stinks that you now have to worry about this as well but again, it's him that is doing the damage, not your fault. Hang in there Tears, you'll make it through and be better for it!

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
hey hi-

i know, it's amazingly nutty the stuff they say and do. my h wwas downright nasty a few times (soooo out of character) that was when i'd just found out- i guess his guilt made him rotten and lashing out. like you- i am personally the creator of alllllll his problem sin life.

he used to be so nice and normal-ish and sane. he was awful for a long time- i am not sure how what the heck i have here. i am biding my time - i have no firm plan of what the heck i'm doing. we don't have kids and we were together for about 38 or so years (still are-ish) so he could walk the heck out any time he wants. i, like you, am mad about it all and he knows it- but i'm not nasty or making it all difficult.

it's just some giant $crew job they feel compelled to do to us. idk if it's their guilt- or they have no co nscience at all and are merely following their childish instinct to " have fun" for a change. (ya know- af ter all that time being tortured by little ole us).

if it wasn't so damn sad for us all- i'd laugh at how very alike they are, the formula they follow- the stupid things they say and do and hoooowwwww like the other guy it is - it is a laugh. just awfully sad tho.

oh well- i've come to believe it is truly insanity of a type. i don't like it or dealing with it. once you don't have reason to use in dealing- what the hedk does one do? it's been thelongest most awful coupld years of my life- and a darn shame it was also the last couple years of my mom's life. she was no walk in the park- but my being stunned and near dead with grief didn't help much. o h well huh? we do what we can.

hang on man- idk how the heck long my h has been all unhapy and this was brewing- years & years i'd say. i was llovingt and trusting and cutting him some slack. i was a fool of major proportions. oh well again-

ya love someone- you trust them - who wouldn't - rite?

it's hard on your daughters I know, tht would make me really see red. they probably can understand tho, the "I didn't break him- i can't fix him" thing here. it's true- some people just slide off the deep end with mlc- wonder truly what the heck it is. me, i think it's just and easy "fix" to whatever is eating them. lost job, tubby, bored, you name it. some onme was saying on this forum that it's alot of work to change themselves and all the stuff that "isn't working" - so they just change the audience and they're all new and wonderful to someone new.

made me think of my sitch. i wonder if it will ever lose it's "shine" to him- or if it's a lost cause.

i still can't decide- someday i'll become "wise" and kn ow which way im going i'm sure. (or he'll just chuck it all and i'll e here sayhing wtf???

oh well- there's only so much in life we can control- and other people and their hearts & brains isn't one of the things.

good luck- hang on and take care. the detachmet didn't come quickly for me- i still wake up at nite and the bad half of my brain nags the life out of the sane half to do something- walk away- blow up- SOMETHING.....anything...

I'M TRING to be sane and not do anything til i'm soooo absolutely sure there is not one shred of doubt. am i right or wrong- who the heck knows??? not me man- i keep telling myself i can always leave tomorrow.

xxoo

Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
I am working very hard on detaching and nc is helping me with that. I am working on myself and finding myself. H is not my problem anymore, he has his own stuff to figure out and find where that leads him. I'm not waiting. I will keep the door open as long as I can, but I'm going to get on with my life, my healing, my joy. I know it will be a hard road for a while but I have a lot to look forward to and I don't want to waste it boo hooing over him.
I need to find a new job and when I do that will be exciting and fun. I have our sons wedding coming up and our granddaughter who is 3 just starting gymnastics. I want to take up boxing and get back to riding again.
I will miss sharing all this with my h but it's his choice to be apart and not try to reconnect.
I will be filing for support at the least next week. I haven't decided if I will proceed with the divorce, but it just seems like I might as well. At least I can put it to bed and not have it hanging over my head all the time.
That's where I'm at today.

Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
Holidays are hard. My d spent the day with her brother and so I was home alone and of course it was storming so I had nothing better to do than sit here and think. That is so not good.

Or maybe it is. I don't know. I've thought a lot about my marriage and my faults in it. I know they weren't that bad but I imagine they can get old after a while. Unfortunately I know they could be corrected, and I've been doing a lot of work on that. Not being able to do that with h is sad. And that he didn't think he had any issues and that he was just fine is also sad. To throw away a marriage without a real effort before doing so seems unfair. But I guess life is unfair and you just have to get on with it.
D15 hasn't heard from him since Thursday. That's being a stand up father. Older kids haven't seen him in 2 months and only heard from him once since then. I understand that he wanted away from me but I don't understand him also wanting to be away from the kids. I guess for some people family just isn't that important.
Spending the holidays without him is hard. We usually have a big bbq and all the family here. This year it's just me and d15 and I have to work part of the day. I know h is off and he didn't want to spend it with d15. His loss. How sad for him.

Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 242
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 242
Hi Tears - I had a similar day, alone, but amused myself with some outdoor activities (at least we did have some good weather - a nice change!). And the alone time makes me start thinking and stewing too. H is probably with OW and her family, spending all our money. Lovely picture, ain't it? Hang in there - the holidays will pass, like all other days.


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
hey hi-

hang on - it'll probably get alot worse before it gets better (if it does) . i just wish i had alot of rosey and wise things to say- not so much. it's such a personal (and very very hard decision- whether the person you loved for soooooooo long is "worth" it or not. whether the r is worth anything or not. i (thought i) was happy with him for soooo long- then i think is it worth several years of miserable? do i "owe" it/him tht??? on balance.?? it's a hard calculation to make- a crap shoot. i don 't have much faith in his "intrinsic goodness" anymore. it just gets beaten out of you- and i wonder if that alone is the answer.

MY delusion(of my life, future, etc.) is totally shattered - but i still cannot decide for absolutely sure if he is in any way reclaimable. jury still out.

i stew when i'm alone on a holiday too- tho i was incredibly busy last couple days - have a friend whose h works on weekends and she's always bored and she's a real driver and activity gal. i let her drag me along and glad of it. it makes the day go nicely with a buddy- instead of alone. Of course, the times when all my friends are celebrating with their families - i just suck it up and feel miserable like everyone else. oh well. it's bad - but it's less AWFUL than it was. maybe (i pray) i'm detaching. i sometimes brood too much too - still. (tho, alot less than in the beginning.) all i can think to do it keep busy - i am a terrible slave-driver around the house. maybe i'll drop from exhaustion some day? idk

As i said, it's going on 3 yrs in july that i found out what the heck EXACTLY was up in my life & with h. i was a genuine mess (and i'm not a downer usually- pretty pollyanna and positive person). ANYway- my point- i find just now (my mom died mar 28 - which is a landmark & perspective changing event too) that i am a bit detached (long time coming huh?) and that my brain never thinks in terms of : "how could he" and "why would he" and so on. i take it as a positive sign i'm moving forward some how- maybe like a tentative crab rather than a charging rhino- but forward nevertheless. the progress is small- but you'll see it. you're soooo new to this - i'm sorry for your pain and confusion. YOU SOUND really like a take charge kinda gal tho- and in real control there. yay you. .

like you both- the thinking is a killer. (i find sometimes half a day or more will go by without a thougfht of him when he's not here - it's big progress for me. after bulk of my adult life with this man. i've spent some very lonely stupid little fourth of july's and minor holidays. idk - somehow we plug our way thru. my 1 yr younger, "best" sister died 2008 from alcohol - she had a divorce and subsequent breakdown and never could just get "cured" all the way. i never understood how devastating the divorce was - she never just gave me the unvarnished truth. found a note in a book years later - (now, when i know how it dest roys your life inside andout) she was not up to the fight. i still feel badly- i can see how it could crush the spirit out of you. I can even remember thinking maybe i see the point of ending it all because it's sooooo hard to go thru. i did not- not me, chicken that I am - just kept on going, miserable and in a fog, but still alive and keeping busy.

As the book says- there is no easy way to get thru this. I've told myself a million times (probably will tonite too when i wake up at 4 a.m.) - that i can always leave tomorrow. there are just alot of practical considerations aren't tehre?

I always thought i'd storm out if i ever found out someone was cheating. when it happened to me- all i could do is look around the florida house and thing how awful it would be rite then to pack up 36 years of "stuff" - i was not up to it- at all. i was shattered (i'm embarassed to say how badly it clobberedme) (i'd have staked my life on his integrity) (ha! what integrity???

anyway- so i stayed put- i even decided i'd be darned if i'd go stay at someone elses house and have a rotten nite in someone elses bed -

i wonder now if i'm nuts? water under that bridge huh?

alot of folks on forum advised leave him and shock him, etc. mwd in her book says if you de liver an ultimatum right now- they will just pick ow & go. i beleived it.

i have no idea now three years later where he stands. i think he thinks i'll be here forever - i am not so sure. He is "buying" me- i am allowing him to. i can remember very vividly when i left my ex husband how stinky it was being incredibly - INCREDIBLY - POOR. do not particularly want to rusn into that.

i am keeping my thoughts to my self- when i'm ready i'll make my move. wouldn't he drop his teeth if i announced i'm outta here. or better yet- i just disapper from his life and he has no idea - not a one.

oh well- in light of what i know now- i am keeping allll my bad thoughts and plans to myself. keeping allllll my options open in life- when my " new road" presents itself- and i know for sure what I want- ta da.

hope you make it th ru the day okay. having your daughter to do it for must be a big help. i can get rite out of myself by helping someone else. last bunch of years i've been helping out my mom- her memory was going and her health (89 yrs) and so on. it was a long worrisome business - i am just empty now- and tired - so we'll see what fugture brings.

good luck- sorry this got long (25 yrs as a legal secre t ary so i can just "chat" away and type as fast as i can think- just wanted to throw in a bit of my history so you know who is writing to you.

it does get "better" - my neices all (two different families) have suffered alot from their parents' divorces. i don 't think these men ever realize what they are doing to the kids - (and us) and how irreversable and unforgettable it all is. in a few years when he wants to be all "lets forgive and forget" with them- t hey will still "know" who and what he was and it will always (i think - i o bserve) taint their future r with him. you cannot just dump people who loveyou and then expect them to forget it - or not know it in the end.

that's going to be the tragedy in his life- when your h realizes you all are/were a huge part of his life and he misses it and wants it and wants to be part of the famly and he had taken himself out of it and done alot of damage to everyone's hert.

retribution i guess = no one comes out of this junk unscathed (imho). oh well - i'll send up a little prayer for your daughters - it's soooo hard on them and sooo undeserved. i cannot imagine.

hang on- good luck - vent here like mad- it'll defuse you.

xxo

Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
Thank you nero for sharing your story and understanding.

This is truly difficult. I know h knows there is something wrong, said it when he left that he felt cold inside, there was nothing there. Has since seen an md. But it's not enough for him to just step back and take some time before he tore apart the family completely. I think even if he wakes up he will not be able to come back. I don't think he would be strong enough to face this. That's really sad to believe because none of us hate him, we just can't deal with his behavior and if he were to want to come home and deal with the issues and put them behind us he would be forgiven and welcomed back with open arms from everyone. Well, maybe not our d15. She has told me numerous times she doesn't want him to come home, so there is a lot of work to be done there.

Still haven't heard from him so I guess it's been a good weekend for him. Our son believes he is drinking again and if so he will probably not recover from that this time. Maybe he's going back to face his childhood (alcoholic at 13) drinking, hanging out with young guys, playing the teenager again.

I get mlc is about reevaluating your life and making changes that are better for you, but I don't see how being a drunk, deadbeat dad is doing better. But I guess in his mind it is.

I think depression is on him hard too since his mom's death and his stroke. I know he has a lot to carry and I'm sorry for that, but I can't let him drag me down with him. I wish I could help him, but I can only help me to survive. It makes me so very sad.

Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
Hi Tears,
I, like you, know I had issues that helped get our marriage to where it did. Of course, I was really trying to be a good husband and father. Like you, I HATE that my W refused to even try. Never accepted ANY responsibility for any part she played. She just says her "feelings changed" about me and that she is "unhappy" and I must be the reason. Why should she try as she's no longer "in love" with me (but does love me, you know that drill). She told me yesterday that she's filing for D. This comes a week and half after telling me she had no intention doing so for at least a year. Seems her father offered to pay for her lawyer so she changed her mind.

I now need to go get a L of my own but my W doesn't want me too (her's is "nice" and will be fair). I have to tell my 2 girls that mom is not only leaving but also no longer will even try separation.

I also don't see how denying that she has any control over her "feelings", blaming me for her unhappiness without even trying MC. Doing everything she swore she never would. And now not even trying separation only because if she gets the D now, her daddy will pay for it. The money is more important than our 20 years together. The constant re-writing of the past, going all the way back to not loving me the day we got married! How does this make her a better person? I hope your D15 is doing OK. My D14 isn't going to take this change well but I will always do what is best for her and hopefully that will be enough.

Hang in there Tears, it seems like it's been a rough weekend for every LBS on here! Things are going to get better, for both of us!

Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
Hey Matt,
I'm so sorry you are going through this too. It is sad that they won't even try. I told my h I was willing to do counseling with no expectations. If he still wanted to leave after that I wouldn't try and stop it, but that I thought we owed it to our life together to make sure we had gone the extra mile. But no.

My h has his friends and possibly ow to push him in the direction of divorce. I know that no one can make you do anything, but my h has always followed whatever crowd he's with. Like he doesn't have a mind of his own. Sounds like your wife is getting affirmation from her dad and even though ultimately it's her decision, I also know that when your at a tipping point you can be swayed to make decisions.

I too was blamed and I'll take the blame for things I've done, but in looking back this seems to be the way it goes. I didn't know my h was an alcoholic when we married. He kept that well hidden. After marrying him I found out how bad it was. He blamed me. How could that be my fault when it started before I even knew him. I guess it's easier to blame me for everything instead of looking at himself also.

You can't reason with someone who has shut down I guess. I don't even try anymore. His thoughts and feelings are his own. He went to counseling to initiate divorce and he even told the counselor he had no intention of changing. So that leaves no room for improvement on that front. I've learned a lot about myself and I'm sure I'll learn more as soon as I can get past the pain.

I hope you can get your own lawyer. I sure wouldn't use hers. I've learned the hard way that they have become people that are not trustworthy anymore. I never would have expected what I get from my h. The fact that he wants to leave is not what is the biggest shock - it's the way he treats me and d. He really could care less about us. That I would have never thought of him even if he wanted a divorce. That's not his character. But it is now.

Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
Well h can't seem to be bothered with the only 2 things I have asked of him since he left. Schedule visitation through me and only contact me via text or email.
Tonight he calls d15 for visitation - she tells him she's busy then he's blowing up my phone. I don't answer.
I'm really getting mad about this. I am completely out of his life, I don't not bother him in any way. You would think I only asked two things of him that he could comply since he agreed to it. But no, he can do whatever the heck he wants and I'm supposed to deal with it.
Well, not happening anymore. I don't care if he doesn't come back. He's not going to keep playing me and d15 like we're just nothing, like he can treat us however he wants and we just have to accept it. No more of this.

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
A
AJM Offline
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
Quote:
I've learned the hard way that they have become people that are not trustworthy anymore.
I wouldn't say he doesn't care. It's more that he cares about something else more, Tears.

Himself.

Like a drowning person, he's consumed by his own survival. Drinking, OW, etc - all medications. All symptoms.

You're right to be angry. Who wouldn't be?

But don't let that go on too long. It'll take on a life of it's own if you're not careful. Feel it, and let it go else you'll become a victim. That's not fair to you and not a good place to be.

When you set your boundaries, like you did above, be sure to keep them. And do yourself a favor - stop with the expectations that he'll do what he says. He might, but...


Hang in there.


AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
Thanks AJ,
It's hard not to have some anger though.

I have to have the dog put down tomorrow, he's 16 and not well, and then first thing this morning the people are here for h's fancy shed that I guess he didn't make the payments for and I have to fork over almost 1k so they don't haul it away with all his tools in it. Then he tells me I can only take 500 bucks for 2 weeks of support - he needs the remainder 1200.00 for himself.

So needless to say anger was in full force today.

I do have counseling tomorrow so I'm hoping to be able to get some perspective and then the lawyer. But I didn't let my anger get the best of me, I didn't say anything about the shed or the money or the dog. I didn't respond to him in any way. Just left it be. I did have to give myself a time out first though. LOL At least I'm learning not to react like I normally would. It wouldn't have done any good anyway.

But even after all that I did go out to lunch with a friend and then went with both my d's to see gd's first gymnastics class and then all us girls went out to dinner. I couldn't do that even 2 weeks ago. So some progress being made for me.

Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
Tears,

I'm so sorry about your dog. They are like family and it's always painful when they pass.

In regards to your h, AJ is spot on. The sooner you drop the expectations, the better you feel. Focus on you and your d. Protect yourself financially and things WILL get better.

Hang in there!



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
I'm so sorry about your dog, that is so painful.
You're doing well by going to counseling and not reacting. Good for you! You're right it does not do any good. I'm glad you're going out with friends and spending quality time with your daughters. It does get better, have faith.


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Tears,
I'm very sorry to hear about your dog. It's never easy watching them age and then having to make the decision to help them to the other side. Pets are family and I do know how you feel when you have to make this type of decision.

When it rains, it seems to pour. Again, I'm sorry you had to deal w/the people concerning the shed. At least you were able to stop them from hauling it away w/everything in it. Thank goodness you were home!

Getting out and meeting up w/a friend for lunch was just what you needed, as well as see your d's and gd's.

You've come a long way in a short time and you are getting stronger. It takes time to learn to detach and keep your expectations very, very low, but you'll get there. It's a one step forward, two steps back and don't be hard on yourself if you fall down...we'll come along and help you up.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
I have no expectations anymore. I am filing for divorce. Our family has been through enough with all this. I believe he will just go away completely after the divorce and I think that is best for all of us. He has caused too much pain.

Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
Hi Tears,
The decision whether to file for D or not is a very personal one and only you know when that time has come. But you are still very early in your sitch and are under much stress right now. I know that feeling of anger, the "How could they". Just be sure before you do file that is really what is best for you and your family. Protect yourself for sure, get as much info about what can be done in the way of protecting yourself and family but do take a deep breath before you actually start the process. Now, if like my W, he files first then you have no choice. I know how angry and hurt I felt at the point you are in this process and I came close to filing after some of my W's antics. Just know that things can change, that is what DBing is about. Good luck Tears, we all are here for you!

Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 132
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 132
Tears: Wow. I know you have lots of them and it's difficult. Do some GALing and remember that whoever files first is the bad spouse, even if there's abuse. Why people think this? Who knows, but make sure you realize it might be just another thing he can put back onto you. For some reason, very few see that filing first is to save the M and family. As I was told, when there's kids, you'll always have the S in your life. This is so true. The W & H affect the kids no matter what, absent or not. I couldn't wait for D1 to be final and to get rid of that awful H. He was a bad H, but I allowed him to become a good dad. (Keep that one a secret!)

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Tears,
How are you doing? I know you are thinking about filing for divorce, but please take some time to think about this. Right now, you've had a lot on your plate and you are frustrated and fed up w/what he's done and continues to do. I truly do understand how you feel. If after some time, you still want to move forward w/the divorce, then do so...but do it when you are calmer and your emotions are not upset. Okay?

I'll support you no matter what you decide to do.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
On a bright spot, the dog will survive. It turned out to be some kind of inner ear, neurological thing that happens in older dogs and is not dangerous. Lasts a couple of weeks and then they are better. So he's on meds and home and sleeping now.

On the bad side, I was not sure before if there was ow. I believe so now as no motel bills anymore and he is taking large chunks of cash out of the bank. So he must have moved in with ow and instead of paying support to his family he is financing their fun times. I'm devastated yet again.

I feel like I'm going through this all over again. And then to top it off son says he has invited his dad to be at his surgery and his wedding, of which he had previously told me he wasn't inviting him. His dad never calls him, but I can son couldn't deal with that and calls his dad every couple of weeks. Said he doesn't think his dad will be at surgery because h told son to let him know if everything goes well. REALLY? But I know right now emotionally I can't be around h. I don't know how I'm going to hanIle these two major events in my son's life. Son says I need to suck it up, but he doesn't understand I've not had enough time to be able to deal with this yet. That's why I am nc with his dad. So if I don't go son will hate me and if I do go I will be physically ill and an emotional wreck.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm drowning right now.

Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
Tears,

First, I'm happy to hear about your dog. That is great news smile

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. The most important thing is to protect yourself financially. Please don't be afraid to do what's necessary to ensure this happens.

I know it's such a horrible place to be. Do something that you enjoy. Go for a walk. Sing in the shower. Spend time with the kids. Pet the dog. Dance around the living room. Something that relaxes you and makes you smile.

You will feel better. It's a process and it does take time. Hang in there:)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Tears,
I'm glad your dog is going to be okay and will be feeling better soon.

Georgiabelle is right about one thing...you need to protect yourself financially. The man you knew is gone and he doesn't care if there is one cent left in the accounts and you are scrambling to pay the bills. Once they start taking out large sums of money or charging a lot of things on the credit cards, it's time to do something before it's all gone. Take some of the money out of the checking/saving accounts and get new accounts only in your name. You have to do this and not worry about if he'll get angry. So, what if he does? He's not thinking about you or the kids when he's taken large chunks of money out. You can't rely on him to be the man your married because he's different now and has become more selfish and self absorbed and it's all about him.

Please get out of the house, take a walk, spend time w/the children and your dog or find a place to sit down in the park and just relax. You owe it to yourself to do something nice for yourself this weekend.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,326
Likes: 20
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,326
Likes: 20
Job, I don't want to hijack, but could you please read my latest post on my thread. I'd really like your thoughts/input.


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
Well, just an update and to let you know I have been getting out and doing some fun stuff. I usually can't do things for long amounts of time but Thursday was an all day out for me and I did pretty good.

But today I'm feeling very good. I had a hard day yesterday and last night a friend called and we were chatting on the phone for quite a while. When I got off the phone I see where h had texted me - wanting to know if I was awake (this was very late) and if I could talk. I texted him back (it was quite a bit later) and said yeah what's up. Here comes the crazy part - he wants to know what I am doing so I text that I was on the phone, why. He then texts back wanting to know who I was talking to. LOL REALLY? I said a friend we were just chatting and then he wants to know if it was a guy. REALLY? Then he calls.
Now I've been nc for about a month and I really didn't want to answer but I did and the first words out of his mouth are if I was talking to my boyfriend. I calmly reminded him I had no interest in that and then he said I didn't mean boyfriend, I just meant was it a guy. I said no. Crazy. But then he asked about the kids, said our d15 doe sn't talk much to him when he calls. I just said I'm sorry about that. I didn't try to play ms. fix it. (I'm learning). He talked about his job, said he wasn't happy (he did sound very down)and then he just chatted about misc stuff.
I was so happy. I was able to handle it and not let it bother me and not react to him. I am learning and I thought I wasn't. I am so happy with the little bit of progress I have made in myself. I was getting so down because I didn't think I was making any forward progress for me. I guess what I'm learning is starting to stick.
I felt bad for him that he sounded so sad, but I made no comment on it. It's for him to deal with.

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
A
AJM Offline
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
That's the thing, Tears. Learning to deal. Trial and error.

The way trial and error works, is that some things work, and others don't. That results in some "good" days and some "not as good".

A few things to kind of focus on might help - focus on the fact that you'll be fine. Focus on the fact that your kids, with your help, will be fine. You need to know that you will be fine when the dust settles, and that until then it will be "uncomfortable" for you at times. It will also be a lot of fun at times.

Anger? It'll come. It'll go. You will have times that remind you of what he walked away from.

As the others mentioned, before you take action on the divorce, be sure that you won't look back. Personally, I don't think you're there yet from what you've posted. I think he would really like you to be the one to file. As if he feels he "deserves" it. (he does, but that's a point in time and different).

As you consider, consider what it is YOU want, with or without him. You can control you and your actions, so it makes sense to figure out what you want. Look beyond the immediate and look to the future. 10 years from now, how do you want to look back on YOUR actions and decisions? What is it you would wish you did during these times?

Taking a longer view, aside from the pain and difficulty often helps you see clearly.

If you do decide to divorce, you'll know that you are not looking back. It's usually a one-way trip, but that's not to say it doesn't come with pain. In other words, divorcing won't end the pain and his contact etc.

If that's your only goal, I suggest you look to yourself vs. taking action. Because sometimes, the best action to take is no action at all.

Watch the money. Protect it. Job is right, he'll burn it to the ground. It really is up to you to protect the assets, no matter what else happens between you two.

I am glad you're getting a better handle on dealing with the interactions. It's confusing - the push/pull of it all.

Don't think for a second he doesn't think about it. Don't think he's not aware, on some level, of what he's doing. But he is watching, in part because he is testing your integrity even while he has none. He would like nothing more than to find you with somebody else so he can point the finger at you and say it was your fault. That's crazy, but that's how it works.

I'm still living that smile As an example (there are many on these boards) in my case, I never did cheat etc, but years and years later, even her now H is accusing me of cheating alongside her accusations. I still deal with her wanting to "compete" with me for the kids (yikes), and her wanting to try and snoop and hurt me. Years after the divorce. The divorce doesn't end the pain.

They watch so they can make themselves feel better by making you out to be the bad spouse. The monster. It's called projecting in some circles. Don't be surprised by it, but understand that you lend weight to it if you acknowledge it. You handled it very well by letting him know you are not interested in that kind of stuff.

You are doing very well. You are early in all of this, but doing very well believe it or not. I know it feels like you may not, but as an outsider who's been where you are, you are doing very well. Be confident of that.

As for the rains and pours - if things were well between you, it would be "life" that's happening, right? But right now, you're much more sensitive to those things (the dog, the shed, being in the same room with him). See that for what it is and realize you didn't do this to him. You can be in the same room, and his discomfort is his issue. When you're ready to be in the same room, that is.

Peace,
AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
Hi Tears,
So glad about the dog and the progress. Crazy about how they think isn't it? I went out the other night and could tell W wasn't happy at all about it. Then, last night she went out for the first time in a while and stayed out until 1:00 AM. Doesn't matter to me but my D14 kept asking if her mom was coming home. This morning she is out "running errands"...this is a woman who NEVER goes out to run errands and the only time she does is when she is doing something she wants to hide from me. This time it's D paperwork and finding a place to live away from me. Who knows what else? Since her dad got involved things have been moving so much faster. I do know this, it's more important than ever for me to GAL apart from her. To be able to learn to handle things like you going to sons surgery and wedding knowing you are the one who tried. You are the one who made an effort and hold your head high.

Don't let your feelings allow him to be the one who gets to be there. The more you avoid doing those kind of things, it allows him to be the one who tells everyone what is going on. Do you want him to be able to just say how he is trying to be the good guy but you are too emotional to do the right thing? They really believe they are right and you are wrong. They really believe that it's fine to say and do the things they are. They don't know why they feel the way they do and blame us and will change history and see us as the bad guy. By NOT being that awful person, by not allowing him to stop you from doing what you normally would, you show yourself and your son you aren't that person.

Good for you about the call last night. Amazing how they do the things they do and then start with questions like "Was it a guy?". If he really thinks that he is going to be so much happier without you, what does it matter? It just shows how confused they really are. Stay strong, Tears. Don't let him stop you from being there for your S!

Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,535
hi tears -

glad your dog will be okay. glad to hear you see one tiny bit of progress too. you're expecting waaay alot of yourself- it hasn't been thatlong for you to expect to be allll in control, etc.

you sound lots better than i did at the beginning- you know, time wounds all heels . it will seem like forever- but then a tiny little bit of progress and we realize we'll (probably) survive- somehow, some way

and feel better some day- idk- just sayin glad you felt good about self and that progress. first time i didn't get mad, defensive or "bite" in an argument/criticism situation i coulen't believe it. i used to really really worry about him being "mad". now, i just do n't give a $hit- i mean , in general , in life- his temper, his problem. it was soooo new in our r.

oh well- good luck- hang on man- you can do it.

xo

Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
I did good until today. I'm having a very rough day. I guess I started analyzing what he said.

This I need to find a boyfriend thing has been going on for a while now. I try to ignore it but today it just got to me again.

Is this his way of trying to alleviate any guilt he has if he has been with someone or is it fear that I will find someone else?

If I was done with a relationship I can tell you I wouldn't care one way or another if the other person was dating. And I sure wouldn't be contacting them. But that's just me.

Has anyone else had to go through this from their spouse or does anyone have any idea why he keeps on about it?

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Tears,
A lot of them "say" that they want us to find someone else. That the person will be a better person to us, blah, blah, blah. It's typical mlc lingo and to translate it, it means that if you meet someone else and begin to date, then what they are doing won't be so bad and it will alleviate some of their guilt. However, they may say they want us to find someone new, but many of them also do not like it when we do.

Bottom line, it's mlc lingo and it's his mantra...ignore the lingo and do what you've been doing.

Hang in there. I think you've been doing really well.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
Tuesday morning I get a text from h basically he wanted to know when it would be a good time to come over and see d15 and me, says maybe we could talk, if I want to and if I don't want to see him he will understand.

When I get a break at work I call him and I tell him that I'm just not ready to deal yet with anything else that is bad, not yet. He says it's not bad, nothing bad about it, that he misses me. I told him I would have to call him about it when I got home to see what day I was free this week.

So after I get home I text him that he can call when he's free and he calls me right away. He wants to come over Saturday, have a bbq spend some time with d and me and then we can talk. I say ok.

He wants to know how my day was and I told him it was weird because when I got home someone had mowed the lawn. He got very mad about that, I don't know why. Then he asked if it was my boyfriend. Well, I probably should have not said anything but I told him I don't have a boyfriend I'm married to you whether you like it or not. Then he says "Who says I don't want to be married to you?" It was hard not to respond to that one. Then he says he doesn't have a girlfriend. How nice. I didn't ask. He then says "Ok babe I gotta get back to work, I'll call you later in the week." He calls me later about something for d and again before he hangs up I get " Well baby, I will let you go so I can get finished up. I'll talk to you later"

I know, no expectations and I haven't heard from him again, so I don't even know if Saturday is still a go. My emotions have been pretty raw yesterday and today. Now I feel like I'm being played again.

Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
I saw my IC today. We went over everything that has happened since Friday and the fact that h still hasn't called as he said to let me know what time or if he is still coming over Saturday. The IC said he wasn't surprised. He said h sees a day or two of clarity and then goes back to what he is doing, probably drinking on top of mlc and forgets what he has said.

He told me not to throw in the towel yet. Sounds like h is very confused and probably drinking heavily. It's still to early. To take my time and get strong and he will help me with boundaries and detachment, etc.

So anyway, I'm not planning on h coming over tomorrow. D15 and I are making other plans. Too bad for him if he shows up, he should have been considerate enough to get with me on the time like he said. It's been a rough week with his whatever it is.

Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
My H said the same thing 1.5 years ago, that he wanted me to find somebody better than him. Though he never deviated from his “course” and never said he missed me, he hasn’t done anything to completely cut the ties. And my H was also heavy into alcohol. Don’t know if he is still continuing. I know that he’s been drinking, but don’t know how much.

I totally agree with the forgetfulness part. They don’t remember what they said sometimes. It sounds like he is very confused. Good for you making plans for Saturday. Maybe he will miss you more, LOL.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
Well h showed up today. As I said I wasn't sure but he was here first thing in the morning before I got home from work. Told d he got here early to mow the lawn, that is already mowed. LOL

Anyway, we had the chat. I'll try to keep this brief. I didn't handle everything as well as I would have liked but I did the best I could.

H wanted to sit outside and talk. Still no ring on his finger and he's not saying anything so I just couldn't stop it and asked him if the marriage is over. He said no, that's what he wants to talk to me about. That he misses me, d, the family, being home and he'd like for us to spend time together and work toward him coming home. I said that was fine - his timeline is 2 weeks. Now I'm not holding out any hope for that one.

He brought up the boyfriend thing and I told him I was sick of hearing it and what was the reason he keeps asking. He said he shouldn't ask but he does because he doesn't want me to have a boyfriend because if I did he couldn't ask to come home.

I told him of my possible promotion and he asked if that would be full time. I said yes and he said my hours were good right now and I said that doesn't pay the bills. He said it would in 2 weeks.

He also said he believes our therapist did a lot of harm. Yeah, I agree there. One IC session and he was done with the marriage. But anyway.

As the day progressed the tension was building. He reverted back to his teenage self, spending 2 hours setting up his stupid iPhone.

He looked horrible. My h, as everyone's here, is a good looking guy, or was. He's gained a ton of weight and has bags galore under his eyes. I'm pretty sure he's drinking pretty heavy as is my IC.

I think he's trying really hard to fight his way through this, but I don't think his 2 week timeline is going to pan out. But he did tell me there is no ow now or was there ever, it is just him.

When we were talking I did apologize for making him feel he needed to leave. He said it wasn't me, but him. That yes we did need to treat each other better and we were both too wrapped up in ourselves but that the reason this happened was mostly him. It's the first time he's admitted any responsibility. Of course, he didn't need to take it all. I'm more than willing to share that.

I think he does want to come home, but he's just not ready yet. At least maybe we can talk once in a while until he can get through this. I was no contact until this, but I will be a bit flexible and if he contacts me I will respond, but I think it might be best to let him initiate.

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Tears,
Sure your h misses the family and home. He's discovering that life on the other side of the fence isn't as green as he thought it was. I would be very cautious about allowing him to return home too quickly. If you already have boundaries in place, keep them in place once he returns home. Your h needs to prove to you that he is trustworthy and can do the hard work of reconciling and respecting you for the person you are. He will need to be transparent in what he's doing and in most cases, provide you w/the pass codes to his cell, computer, etc. Just remember, actions speak louder than words.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
Thank you job.

I plan on being very careful. As I said he make think 2 weeks, but I don't know that it will happen. He was very open and apologetic at the beginning, but as the day progressed I could see his comfort level diminish.

I have taken a step back again and just following his lead for right now. If he calls, great, I'll answer. If he doesn't, then I'll just leave it alone.

He knows I'm in therapy and has asked about it, but to this point I don't tell him anything about it. Maybe it's something in the future he might want, but that will be for him to bring up.

And yes, transparency on his part is a must. I don't believe there is ow. But I know I could be wrong about that. I don't want to know the details of what he's been doing, I don't want to live in the past, but to move forward, you are right, he will have to be transparent.

Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
Well h did call today as he said he would and set up another day together on Friday. He doesn't sound as thrilled as he was last week. No lovey dovey names anymore.

My bigger problem is d15 is very mad at me. She doesn't want to see him, and is mad she has to see him again. I'm not sure how to deal with her feelings. She's been through enough and I don't want to add to it.

How do you help your children through this? Her dad has been very critical of her and doesn't keep in close contact and it's really taken it's toll. Now she feels like she can't trust me. I don't know what to do or how to work through this with her.

Any input would be appreciated.

Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
Well I've had a pretty rough weekend. H showed up Friday, talking reconciliation still, but it just doesn't seem like his actions match his words.

We talked a bit about our relationship and what he told me was it's all my fault, he says he was perfect (his word) in the marriage and I've always been a pain.

He didn't show up for sons surgery and is still downing d15 to the point she never wants to see him again. He insisted we go see son yesterday together. I didn't want to - I told him I don't want the kids to think we are getting back together and he said we are getting back together so what's the big deal? Is this man deranged?

He admitted that he's drinking again. Seemed to think it was funny. No h, not funny, your an alcoholic. Said I make him mad because I don't like his only friend, his 23 yr old buddy who he has a bromance with.

Needless to say, I took a big beating yesterday, although I didn't go into detail but feel free to ask questions. I'm having a really hard time today with my emotions. I'm so hurt by the things he said and the way he treated d. And then he has the nerve before he leaves to remind her to tell him Happy Fathers Day. This after he had just told her she's just like her f-ing mother, an f-ing smart ass. Nice thing to say to your kid that you hardly see.

My IC says that he believes there is still hope if h will get help. That this is not just mlc but also dealing with his behavior from drinking. I really just don't know how much more emotionally I can handle from him.

Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
Things have gone from bad to worse. Yesterday while I was at work h decided again, after being told before about scheduling visitation) to just show up to see d15. Things did not go well, she is calling and texting me at work while I'm in a meeting, saying he's being mean, busted into her room, threatened to take away her phone, our internet, etc. Told her there was nothing I could do about it as I need his permission to do anything. Poor d15 actually had to tell him to leave. Very bizarre behavior.

Threatened that he would make her stay with him in his one room motel for the summer and there was nothing I could do about it.

When d15 let me know he was gone, about 1/2 an hour after he had arrived, I texted him about how inappropriate that was and reminded him this is his daughter. He said he was sorry. He was being mean to her because she was mean to him. REALLLY? Who's the adult here?

Of course d15 was crying when I got home and she doesn't want to see him again. He's really gotten so much worse and I don't understand why he keeps putting us through this. I leave him alone. There's no reason for this.

D5 didn't call him for Father's Day and I guess that's what sparked it because d said he was yelling at her about it and telling her that he's a great dad and he see's her all the time (not sure what world he lives in) and she was terrible for not calling him. In his text to me about it he said, and his exact words - I guess I should just be glad the other 2 texted me. The OTHER TWO. LOL Yeah, your a world class dad. Didn't show up for son's surgery, don't talk to your kids but maybe once a month if that, which is why he doesn't even know our son was rushed to the emergency room on Monday 5 days after surgery due to complications. (He's fine now). Didn't know that d15 had the flu a few weeks ago (that's because he only calls her every one or two weeks, maybe). Yep, that puts you in the award winning dad category.

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
Why don't you get a TRO against him? That sounded like threatening and would you take it as lightly if a stranger treated your D that way?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
At the very least, you need to get your D into family therapy so she can let it all out.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
She is rebelling against therapy, but I'm slowly getting her to come around. I have already decided he is not to see her alone again. D15 is happy about that. He can't control me or our older kids so he is playing that game with d15 and he gets mad because she doesn't comply.

He stepped over the line and I won't let it happen again. This is why I told him that he needed to schedule visitation through me and not d15 so there would be no problems. But he couldn't abide by that.

This really shocked me. He has never treated our children in this manner. D15 is pretty spoiled or I should say was pretty spoiled by h and me and her brother and sister because there is such an age difference and she was a miracle baby. For her dad to turn on her like this is really crazy.

Both d28 and s25 have expressed concerns previously regarding h being alone with d15. They said they just weren't comfortable with their dad's behavior, he wasn't the same man. I guess they were right. It really broke my heart when d28 said she would never leave our granddaughter alone with her dad. He used to help me babysit her and at times would go and pick her up himself. How sad that things have come to this.

Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
I'm so sorry to hear about the latest developments, Tears.
I was so hoping when he had that talk with you that maybe, just maybe, there would be a better ending then we mostly seem to hear about on here. Is it possible that he started drinking again BEFORE the MLC really took off? I work with an alcoholic who is such a smart, together person when he is sober. When he falls off, he becomes so totally different!

MLC is such a hard thing for them to get through on it's own. When you add in drinking it must really make it so much harder. My oldest D18, had a bad time when she was 15. She was acting out and we went at it a few times but I never would have spoke to her like that. I remember one time I cursed at her after I found out she snuck out and spent the night with her boyfriend when she was supposed to be at a friends house. I STILL feel bad when I think about that.

I now know that a big part of her acting out was her mom. She had started to spend all her time at work and with her new friends and never had time for her. But every time I tried to set boundaries with my D, my W would step in and over-rule or undermine me. It was the one big thing my W and I fought about. After B-day, I stopped letting my W influence or over-rule me with her and she (D18) and I have a GREAT relationship today. She wanted boundaries and when my W started wanting her "freedom" felt badly about not letting her live the way she secretly was wanting to live her life. She graduated from a really excellent private HS this year with a 3.6 GPA.

It sounds to me like your H isn't ready to come home as hard as that is to realize. He isn't done "baking" yet and coming back now might be the thing that seals the END of any hope for the M to work. He needs to get a handle on his drinking and start to deal with his MLC more than saying "You were to blame".

The one good thing I see (although I'm no expert, remember that!) is if he does want to come home, really does, maybe that will help him to start dealing with his own problems. It sounds like he has at least started to see that just running away won't work and he isn't suddenly "happy" because he left you and his family.

I wish I had more or knew how to help, truly I do Tears. Just hang in there and keep believing in YOU. I hope your S is OK now and remember your D15 needs you now more than ever. I'm praying for you!

Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
I think the want to drink was very strong before he left. The atmosphere at his job is most of them drink and party and do drugs and cheat on their wives. He used to complain about it all the time because he didn't like it. I guess he likes it now.

I think that's part of the reason he left. So he could be free to do those things. I don't understand it. But it seems that and his 23 year old buddy are the most important things in his life.

He still to this day has not been open with me about what the problems were in our marriage. And when he said he wanted to come home I asked him what boundaries he needed from me to facilitate the process. He said we would work that out. Hasn't happened, he refuses to tell me so I just flounder and do nothing.

He hasn't called d15 since the incident Tuesday. That's pretty normal as he cycles on her also, sometimes going weeks without speaking to her and then all of a sudden he will call a bunch of times in a day and text. But I would have thought that after Tuesday he would want to speak with her if nothing else than to try to ease what had happened. But no.

I'm trying to let go and make a better life for me and d. That's all I can do. It's really hard and it's really sad.

Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
Well, a lot has happened. On Saturday h came over still pretending he wanted to come home. I had found out he has another bank account and has been diverting a good portion of his paycheck as well as other monies. So when he got here on Saturday for our "date" I called him out on it. He admitted it and danced around why the need to do that. Then I pushed for more, why he couldn't come home but kept saying he wanted to. Was sitting there telling d15 he was coming home. Then he asked me to come outside and talk.

We all know what's coming, right - yep, the ow is now in the picture and he's living with her. I won't go into the details of that conversation but to sum it up he said he still loves me and wants to come home but he screwed up and how could I ever forgive him. I got very mad. I told him the only option for me was for him to tell ow to f off and pack his stuff and come home right now. He just sat there. I asked him again if he wanted to come home and he said yes and I said what are you going to do. He finally looks at me and says he wants a divorce. I said you got it.

He left and I texted him about an hour later with my lawyers info and told him to deal with him from now on and to call him and let him know the address of where he wished to be served. He didn't know I had retained a lawyer when this first started.

A little while later he's blowing up my phone and I don't answer. I was done. Then our d28 calls me and tells me she wants to give me a heads up. Her dad had called her and said his stuff was packed and in his truck and he was headed home, but I wouldn't answer the phone and he doesn't know if I'll take him back. During this he has texted me to please let him come home, he's sorry, he'll do whatever it takes, it's what he wanted to say when he was here but he's stupid. (His words)

This all took less than 3 hours - he lives almost 2 hours away. He was home within 4 hours after he left.

Things are pretty hard and awkward and he is still crazy. So we will see how this goes. It's baby steps right now and there is no trust. I don't know if he'll stay but he brought everything with him, including his soap and toothpaste. (How weird is that).

Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Wow, 4 hours with almost two hour drive each way… He must have been really scarred that he would lose his chance to come home. I wonder if he already packed up everything before he came to see you. I think you are up for some rollercoaster ride. He is very confused man. I hope you have all the wisdom and patience to handle it.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
Hi Tears,
You actually responded well to his 'confession". He saw that you were ready to just let him go and it scared him. There are many times that I wish I had just done the same with my W on B-day. The bank account thing is normal and I had to go through that one while my W was still living at home. Just like your H, it took OP (in my case her father) to push her to do that. Be careful Tears. He has much work to do before he can just re-enter your and your D's lives fully. He is still bouncing all over the place from "all his fault" to "I was perfect". I would try and find a better MC, one that is pro-marriage as he has issues that need work (the drinking is a big one!).

I have a feeling he is still baking and you may be in for some bumpy times. I hope he is really ready to come home but you need to set clear boundaries and I would be careful about ML as he has been with another woman. You may want to ask him to get tested for STD's and if you may want to if he was with her while you were still together.

Hang in there Tears. Be strong and be ready for him to act out some more.

Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
T
Tears Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 38
Hi everyone. It has been 1 week and 1 day since h came home. And yes, it is a rollercoaster ride for sure. Very stressful.

To answer a few questions:
Yes, he was with her while with me. Sicko.
I believe he is still confused and I put no stock in him staying here. Although he did promise he would not leave again and he knew things would be rough but he is all in. But he lies so much so for him what he says doesn't hold much with me.
He lied about ow. She has kids. I found cards they gave him for Fathers Day in his suitcase. I haven't confronted him on them yet.
We have not been physical since he's been home, and honestly that is fine with me. He still makes me want to gag right now.
He has promised to close other bank account tomorrow and said he would rather I take over the money and bills again. Good. No problem there. Considering he was giving ow and her kids his paycheck instead of taking care of his own kid. Really, what is up with that crap?

He calls and texts me constantly. I'm sure it's just guilt. Today I took our d15 shopping, getting ready for our sons wedding tomorrow, and h was at work at kept texting. I quit answering because it was annoying and then he called and wanted to know why I wasn't responding.

I don't know why he came home whether it was guilt or if he really does love me and wants to be home but is still screwed up in the head. I mean I know he's still screwed up in the head I just don't know if he actually still loves me and is trying.

He refuses to go to counseling. I have a new counselor. He said the last one was horrible and made things between us really bad. He doesn't want to talk about what's happened, although I don't know how we are supposed to get through this with no input from him or without him coming clean. Just burying it all is not good.

I've been told, and I'm hoping this is true, that he needs to reconnect first. And that happens without any remorse or discussion on what's been done for the most part. And if reconnection works then reconciliation happens and that's where the remorse and being open comes in. We'll see.

I'm doing the best I can to keep me and d15 moving forward so that no matter what happens we are in a better place.

I don't know if anyone else here has gone through this so early on and managed to get through it - if so please let me know so I can check out your thread. I would like to see how the process was for you and how you handled it.

And thanks Matt165. Your thoughts are very accurate I believe and I will be very careful and try and stay detached. Thank you so much.

Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
Hi Tears,
When the MLC wants to get back together they call the process "piecing" on the board. You need to look up threads about "piecing" as that's where the reconnection process is most talked about.

One thing that sticks out in your post for me is the fact that the OW's kids know him well enough to send him Father's Day cards! Wow, how long has he been with her that her kids think of him that way? How sad that is for the kids as it's not their fault that their mother hooked up with a married man! I haven't gotten close to the piecing stage myself so I don't know much about it but I can tell you it's going to be a hard process as he will need to be VERY open with you about what he is doing and where he is going, etc. AND he will need to be open and honest about it.

Stay strong, set boundaries, be ready for him to slide back a bit now and again. Read up on how to reconnect. It will be hard as you must feel such betrayal but remember the OW is just a symptom of the MLC. She's probably someone he never would have noticed before he started the MLC. Good luck and let us know how things go!

Page 1 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard