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Tears Offline OP
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I think the want to drink was very strong before he left. The atmosphere at his job is most of them drink and party and do drugs and cheat on their wives. He used to complain about it all the time because he didn't like it. I guess he likes it now.

I think that's part of the reason he left. So he could be free to do those things. I don't understand it. But it seems that and his 23 year old buddy are the most important things in his life.

He still to this day has not been open with me about what the problems were in our marriage. And when he said he wanted to come home I asked him what boundaries he needed from me to facilitate the process. He said we would work that out. Hasn't happened, he refuses to tell me so I just flounder and do nothing.

He hasn't called d15 since the incident Tuesday. That's pretty normal as he cycles on her also, sometimes going weeks without speaking to her and then all of a sudden he will call a bunch of times in a day and text. But I would have thought that after Tuesday he would want to speak with her if nothing else than to try to ease what had happened. But no.

I'm trying to let go and make a better life for me and d. That's all I can do. It's really hard and it's really sad.

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Well, a lot has happened. On Saturday h came over still pretending he wanted to come home. I had found out he has another bank account and has been diverting a good portion of his paycheck as well as other monies. So when he got here on Saturday for our "date" I called him out on it. He admitted it and danced around why the need to do that. Then I pushed for more, why he couldn't come home but kept saying he wanted to. Was sitting there telling d15 he was coming home. Then he asked me to come outside and talk.

We all know what's coming, right - yep, the ow is now in the picture and he's living with her. I won't go into the details of that conversation but to sum it up he said he still loves me and wants to come home but he screwed up and how could I ever forgive him. I got very mad. I told him the only option for me was for him to tell ow to f off and pack his stuff and come home right now. He just sat there. I asked him again if he wanted to come home and he said yes and I said what are you going to do. He finally looks at me and says he wants a divorce. I said you got it.

He left and I texted him about an hour later with my lawyers info and told him to deal with him from now on and to call him and let him know the address of where he wished to be served. He didn't know I had retained a lawyer when this first started.

A little while later he's blowing up my phone and I don't answer. I was done. Then our d28 calls me and tells me she wants to give me a heads up. Her dad had called her and said his stuff was packed and in his truck and he was headed home, but I wouldn't answer the phone and he doesn't know if I'll take him back. During this he has texted me to please let him come home, he's sorry, he'll do whatever it takes, it's what he wanted to say when he was here but he's stupid. (His words)

This all took less than 3 hours - he lives almost 2 hours away. He was home within 4 hours after he left.

Things are pretty hard and awkward and he is still crazy. So we will see how this goes. It's baby steps right now and there is no trust. I don't know if he'll stay but he brought everything with him, including his soap and toothpaste. (How weird is that).

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Wow, 4 hours with almost two hour drive each way… He must have been really scarred that he would lose his chance to come home. I wonder if he already packed up everything before he came to see you. I think you are up for some rollercoaster ride. He is very confused man. I hope you have all the wisdom and patience to handle it.


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Hi Tears,
You actually responded well to his 'confession". He saw that you were ready to just let him go and it scared him. There are many times that I wish I had just done the same with my W on B-day. The bank account thing is normal and I had to go through that one while my W was still living at home. Just like your H, it took OP (in my case her father) to push her to do that. Be careful Tears. He has much work to do before he can just re-enter your and your D's lives fully. He is still bouncing all over the place from "all his fault" to "I was perfect". I would try and find a better MC, one that is pro-marriage as he has issues that need work (the drinking is a big one!).

I have a feeling he is still baking and you may be in for some bumpy times. I hope he is really ready to come home but you need to set clear boundaries and I would be careful about ML as he has been with another woman. You may want to ask him to get tested for STD's and if you may want to if he was with her while you were still together.

Hang in there Tears. Be strong and be ready for him to act out some more.

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Hi everyone. It has been 1 week and 1 day since h came home. And yes, it is a rollercoaster ride for sure. Very stressful.

To answer a few questions:
Yes, he was with her while with me. Sicko.
I believe he is still confused and I put no stock in him staying here. Although he did promise he would not leave again and he knew things would be rough but he is all in. But he lies so much so for him what he says doesn't hold much with me.
He lied about ow. She has kids. I found cards they gave him for Fathers Day in his suitcase. I haven't confronted him on them yet.
We have not been physical since he's been home, and honestly that is fine with me. He still makes me want to gag right now.
He has promised to close other bank account tomorrow and said he would rather I take over the money and bills again. Good. No problem there. Considering he was giving ow and her kids his paycheck instead of taking care of his own kid. Really, what is up with that crap?

He calls and texts me constantly. I'm sure it's just guilt. Today I took our d15 shopping, getting ready for our sons wedding tomorrow, and h was at work at kept texting. I quit answering because it was annoying and then he called and wanted to know why I wasn't responding.

I don't know why he came home whether it was guilt or if he really does love me and wants to be home but is still screwed up in the head. I mean I know he's still screwed up in the head I just don't know if he actually still loves me and is trying.

He refuses to go to counseling. I have a new counselor. He said the last one was horrible and made things between us really bad. He doesn't want to talk about what's happened, although I don't know how we are supposed to get through this with no input from him or without him coming clean. Just burying it all is not good.

I've been told, and I'm hoping this is true, that he needs to reconnect first. And that happens without any remorse or discussion on what's been done for the most part. And if reconnection works then reconciliation happens and that's where the remorse and being open comes in. We'll see.

I'm doing the best I can to keep me and d15 moving forward so that no matter what happens we are in a better place.

I don't know if anyone else here has gone through this so early on and managed to get through it - if so please let me know so I can check out your thread. I would like to see how the process was for you and how you handled it.

And thanks Matt165. Your thoughts are very accurate I believe and I will be very careful and try and stay detached. Thank you so much.

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Hi Tears,
When the MLC wants to get back together they call the process "piecing" on the board. You need to look up threads about "piecing" as that's where the reconnection process is most talked about.

One thing that sticks out in your post for me is the fact that the OW's kids know him well enough to send him Father's Day cards! Wow, how long has he been with her that her kids think of him that way? How sad that is for the kids as it's not their fault that their mother hooked up with a married man! I haven't gotten close to the piecing stage myself so I don't know much about it but I can tell you it's going to be a hard process as he will need to be VERY open with you about what he is doing and where he is going, etc. AND he will need to be open and honest about it.

Stay strong, set boundaries, be ready for him to slide back a bit now and again. Read up on how to reconnect. It will be hard as you must feel such betrayal but remember the OW is just a symptom of the MLC. She's probably someone he never would have noticed before he started the MLC. Good luck and let us know how things go!

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