Job, I don't want to hijack, but could you please read my latest post on my thread. I'd really like your thoughts/input.
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Well, just an update and to let you know I have been getting out and doing some fun stuff. I usually can't do things for long amounts of time but Thursday was an all day out for me and I did pretty good.
But today I'm feeling very good. I had a hard day yesterday and last night a friend called and we were chatting on the phone for quite a while. When I got off the phone I see where h had texted me - wanting to know if I was awake (this was very late) and if I could talk. I texted him back (it was quite a bit later) and said yeah what's up. Here comes the crazy part - he wants to know what I am doing so I text that I was on the phone, why. He then texts back wanting to know who I was talking to. LOL REALLY? I said a friend we were just chatting and then he wants to know if it was a guy. REALLY? Then he calls. Now I've been nc for about a month and I really didn't want to answer but I did and the first words out of his mouth are if I was talking to my boyfriend. I calmly reminded him I had no interest in that and then he said I didn't mean boyfriend, I just meant was it a guy. I said no. Crazy. But then he asked about the kids, said our d15 doe sn't talk much to him when he calls. I just said I'm sorry about that. I didn't try to play ms. fix it. (I'm learning). He talked about his job, said he wasn't happy (he did sound very down)and then he just chatted about misc stuff. I was so happy. I was able to handle it and not let it bother me and not react to him. I am learning and I thought I wasn't. I am so happy with the little bit of progress I have made in myself. I was getting so down because I didn't think I was making any forward progress for me. I guess what I'm learning is starting to stick. I felt bad for him that he sounded so sad, but I made no comment on it. It's for him to deal with.
That's the thing, Tears. Learning to deal. Trial and error.
The way trial and error works, is that some things work, and others don't. That results in some "good" days and some "not as good".
A few things to kind of focus on might help - focus on the fact that you'll be fine. Focus on the fact that your kids, with your help, will be fine. You need to know that you will be fine when the dust settles, and that until then it will be "uncomfortable" for you at times. It will also be a lot of fun at times.
Anger? It'll come. It'll go. You will have times that remind you of what he walked away from.
As the others mentioned, before you take action on the divorce, be sure that you won't look back. Personally, I don't think you're there yet from what you've posted. I think he would really like you to be the one to file. As if he feels he "deserves" it. (he does, but that's a point in time and different).
As you consider, consider what it is YOU want, with or without him. You can control you and your actions, so it makes sense to figure out what you want. Look beyond the immediate and look to the future. 10 years from now, how do you want to look back on YOUR actions and decisions? What is it you would wish you did during these times?
Taking a longer view, aside from the pain and difficulty often helps you see clearly.
If you do decide to divorce, you'll know that you are not looking back. It's usually a one-way trip, but that's not to say it doesn't come with pain. In other words, divorcing won't end the pain and his contact etc.
If that's your only goal, I suggest you look to yourself vs. taking action. Because sometimes, the best action to take is no action at all.
Watch the money. Protect it. Job is right, he'll burn it to the ground. It really is up to you to protect the assets, no matter what else happens between you two.
I am glad you're getting a better handle on dealing with the interactions. It's confusing - the push/pull of it all.
Don't think for a second he doesn't think about it. Don't think he's not aware, on some level, of what he's doing. But he is watching, in part because he is testing your integrity even while he has none. He would like nothing more than to find you with somebody else so he can point the finger at you and say it was your fault. That's crazy, but that's how it works.
I'm still living that As an example (there are many on these boards) in my case, I never did cheat etc, but years and years later, even her now H is accusing me of cheating alongside her accusations. I still deal with her wanting to "compete" with me for the kids (yikes), and her wanting to try and snoop and hurt me. Years after the divorce. The divorce doesn't end the pain.
They watch so they can make themselves feel better by making you out to be the bad spouse. The monster. It's called projecting in some circles. Don't be surprised by it, but understand that you lend weight to it if you acknowledge it. You handled it very well by letting him know you are not interested in that kind of stuff.
You are doing very well. You are early in all of this, but doing very well believe it or not. I know it feels like you may not, but as an outsider who's been where you are, you are doing very well. Be confident of that.
As for the rains and pours - if things were well between you, it would be "life" that's happening, right? But right now, you're much more sensitive to those things (the dog, the shed, being in the same room with him). See that for what it is and realize you didn't do this to him. You can be in the same room, and his discomfort is his issue. When you're ready to be in the same room, that is.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hi Tears, So glad about the dog and the progress. Crazy about how they think isn't it? I went out the other night and could tell W wasn't happy at all about it. Then, last night she went out for the first time in a while and stayed out until 1:00 AM. Doesn't matter to me but my D14 kept asking if her mom was coming home. This morning she is out "running errands"...this is a woman who NEVER goes out to run errands and the only time she does is when she is doing something she wants to hide from me. This time it's D paperwork and finding a place to live away from me. Who knows what else? Since her dad got involved things have been moving so much faster. I do know this, it's more important than ever for me to GAL apart from her. To be able to learn to handle things like you going to sons surgery and wedding knowing you are the one who tried. You are the one who made an effort and hold your head high.
Don't let your feelings allow him to be the one who gets to be there. The more you avoid doing those kind of things, it allows him to be the one who tells everyone what is going on. Do you want him to be able to just say how he is trying to be the good guy but you are too emotional to do the right thing? They really believe they are right and you are wrong. They really believe that it's fine to say and do the things they are. They don't know why they feel the way they do and blame us and will change history and see us as the bad guy. By NOT being that awful person, by not allowing him to stop you from doing what you normally would, you show yourself and your son you aren't that person.
Good for you about the call last night. Amazing how they do the things they do and then start with questions like "Was it a guy?". If he really thinks that he is going to be so much happier without you, what does it matter? It just shows how confused they really are. Stay strong, Tears. Don't let him stop you from being there for your S!
glad your dog will be okay. glad to hear you see one tiny bit of progress too. you're expecting waaay alot of yourself- it hasn't been thatlong for you to expect to be allll in control, etc.
you sound lots better than i did at the beginning- you know, time wounds all heels . it will seem like forever- but then a tiny little bit of progress and we realize we'll (probably) survive- somehow, some way
and feel better some day- idk- just sayin glad you felt good about self and that progress. first time i didn't get mad, defensive or "bite" in an argument/criticism situation i coulen't believe it. i used to really really worry about him being "mad". now, i just do n't give a $hit- i mean , in general , in life- his temper, his problem. it was soooo new in our r.
I did good until today. I'm having a very rough day. I guess I started analyzing what he said.
This I need to find a boyfriend thing has been going on for a while now. I try to ignore it but today it just got to me again.
Is this his way of trying to alleviate any guilt he has if he has been with someone or is it fear that I will find someone else?
If I was done with a relationship I can tell you I wouldn't care one way or another if the other person was dating. And I sure wouldn't be contacting them. But that's just me.
Has anyone else had to go through this from their spouse or does anyone have any idea why he keeps on about it?
Tears, A lot of them "say" that they want us to find someone else. That the person will be a better person to us, blah, blah, blah. It's typical mlc lingo and to translate it, it means that if you meet someone else and begin to date, then what they are doing won't be so bad and it will alleviate some of their guilt. However, they may say they want us to find someone new, but many of them also do not like it when we do.
Bottom line, it's mlc lingo and it's his mantra...ignore the lingo and do what you've been doing.
Hang in there. I think you've been doing really well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Tuesday morning I get a text from h basically he wanted to know when it would be a good time to come over and see d15 and me, says maybe we could talk, if I want to and if I don't want to see him he will understand.
When I get a break at work I call him and I tell him that I'm just not ready to deal yet with anything else that is bad, not yet. He says it's not bad, nothing bad about it, that he misses me. I told him I would have to call him about it when I got home to see what day I was free this week.
So after I get home I text him that he can call when he's free and he calls me right away. He wants to come over Saturday, have a bbq spend some time with d and me and then we can talk. I say ok.
He wants to know how my day was and I told him it was weird because when I got home someone had mowed the lawn. He got very mad about that, I don't know why. Then he asked if it was my boyfriend. Well, I probably should have not said anything but I told him I don't have a boyfriend I'm married to you whether you like it or not. Then he says "Who says I don't want to be married to you?" It was hard not to respond to that one. Then he says he doesn't have a girlfriend. How nice. I didn't ask. He then says "Ok babe I gotta get back to work, I'll call you later in the week." He calls me later about something for d and again before he hangs up I get " Well baby, I will let you go so I can get finished up. I'll talk to you later"
I know, no expectations and I haven't heard from him again, so I don't even know if Saturday is still a go. My emotions have been pretty raw yesterday and today. Now I feel like I'm being played again.
I saw my IC today. We went over everything that has happened since Friday and the fact that h still hasn't called as he said to let me know what time or if he is still coming over Saturday. The IC said he wasn't surprised. He said h sees a day or two of clarity and then goes back to what he is doing, probably drinking on top of mlc and forgets what he has said.
He told me not to throw in the towel yet. Sounds like h is very confused and probably drinking heavily. It's still to early. To take my time and get strong and he will help me with boundaries and detachment, etc.
So anyway, I'm not planning on h coming over tomorrow. D15 and I are making other plans. Too bad for him if he shows up, he should have been considerate enough to get with me on the time like he said. It's been a rough week with his whatever it is.
My H said the same thing 1.5 years ago, that he wanted me to find somebody better than him. Though he never deviated from his “course” and never said he missed me, he hasn’t done anything to completely cut the ties. And my H was also heavy into alcohol. Don’t know if he is still continuing. I know that he’s been drinking, but don’t know how much.
I totally agree with the forgetfulness part. They don’t remember what they said sometimes. It sounds like he is very confused. Good for you making plans for Saturday. Maybe he will miss you more, LOL.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
As an example (there are many on these boards) in my case, I never did cheat etc, but years and years later, even her now H is accusing me of cheating alongside her accusations. I still deal with her wanting to "compete" with me for the kids (yikes), and her wanting to try and snoop and hurt me. Years after the divorce. The divorce doesn't end the pain. 