I am working very hard on detaching and nc is helping me with that. I am working on myself and finding myself. H is not my problem anymore, he has his own stuff to figure out and find where that leads him. I'm not waiting. I will keep the door open as long as I can, but I'm going to get on with my life, my healing, my joy. I know it will be a hard road for a while but I have a lot to look forward to and I don't want to waste it boo hooing over him. I need to find a new job and when I do that will be exciting and fun. I have our sons wedding coming up and our granddaughter who is 3 just starting gymnastics. I want to take up boxing and get back to riding again. I will miss sharing all this with my h but it's his choice to be apart and not try to reconnect. I will be filing for support at the least next week. I haven't decided if I will proceed with the divorce, but it just seems like I might as well. At least I can put it to bed and not have it hanging over my head all the time. That's where I'm at today.
Holidays are hard. My d spent the day with her brother and so I was home alone and of course it was storming so I had nothing better to do than sit here and think. That is so not good.
Or maybe it is. I don't know. I've thought a lot about my marriage and my faults in it. I know they weren't that bad but I imagine they can get old after a while. Unfortunately I know they could be corrected, and I've been doing a lot of work on that. Not being able to do that with h is sad. And that he didn't think he had any issues and that he was just fine is also sad. To throw away a marriage without a real effort before doing so seems unfair. But I guess life is unfair and you just have to get on with it. D15 hasn't heard from him since Thursday. That's being a stand up father. Older kids haven't seen him in 2 months and only heard from him once since then. I understand that he wanted away from me but I don't understand him also wanting to be away from the kids. I guess for some people family just isn't that important. Spending the holidays without him is hard. We usually have a big bbq and all the family here. This year it's just me and d15 and I have to work part of the day. I know h is off and he didn't want to spend it with d15. His loss. How sad for him.
Hi Tears - I had a similar day, alone, but amused myself with some outdoor activities (at least we did have some good weather - a nice change!). And the alone time makes me start thinking and stewing too. H is probably with OW and her family, spending all our money. Lovely picture, ain't it? Hang in there - the holidays will pass, like all other days.
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
hang on - it'll probably get alot worse before it gets better (if it does) . i just wish i had alot of rosey and wise things to say- not so much. it's such a personal (and very very hard decision- whether the person you loved for soooooooo long is "worth" it or not. whether the r is worth anything or not. i (thought i) was happy with him for soooo long- then i think is it worth several years of miserable? do i "owe" it/him tht??? on balance.?? it's a hard calculation to make- a crap shoot. i don 't have much faith in his "intrinsic goodness" anymore. it just gets beaten out of you- and i wonder if that alone is the answer.
MY delusion(of my life, future, etc.) is totally shattered - but i still cannot decide for absolutely sure if he is in any way reclaimable. jury still out.
i stew when i'm alone on a holiday too- tho i was incredibly busy last couple days - have a friend whose h works on weekends and she's always bored and she's a real driver and activity gal. i let her drag me along and glad of it. it makes the day go nicely with a buddy- instead of alone. Of course, the times when all my friends are celebrating with their families - i just suck it up and feel miserable like everyone else. oh well. it's bad - but it's less AWFUL than it was. maybe (i pray) i'm detaching. i sometimes brood too much too - still. (tho, alot less than in the beginning.) all i can think to do it keep busy - i am a terrible slave-driver around the house. maybe i'll drop from exhaustion some day? idk
As i said, it's going on 3 yrs in july that i found out what the heck EXACTLY was up in my life & with h. i was a genuine mess (and i'm not a downer usually- pretty pollyanna and positive person). ANYway- my point- i find just now (my mom died mar 28 - which is a landmark & perspective changing event too) that i am a bit detached (long time coming huh?) and that my brain never thinks in terms of : "how could he" and "why would he" and so on. i take it as a positive sign i'm moving forward some how- maybe like a tentative crab rather than a charging rhino- but forward nevertheless. the progress is small- but you'll see it. you're soooo new to this - i'm sorry for your pain and confusion. YOU SOUND really like a take charge kinda gal tho- and in real control there. yay you. .
like you both- the thinking is a killer. (i find sometimes half a day or more will go by without a thougfht of him when he's not here - it's big progress for me. after bulk of my adult life with this man. i've spent some very lonely stupid little fourth of july's and minor holidays. idk - somehow we plug our way thru. my 1 yr younger, "best" sister died 2008 from alcohol - she had a divorce and subsequent breakdown and never could just get "cured" all the way. i never understood how devastating the divorce was - she never just gave me the unvarnished truth. found a note in a book years later - (now, when i know how it dest roys your life inside andout) she was not up to the fight. i still feel badly- i can see how it could crush the spirit out of you. I can even remember thinking maybe i see the point of ending it all because it's sooooo hard to go thru. i did not- not me, chicken that I am - just kept on going, miserable and in a fog, but still alive and keeping busy.
As the book says- there is no easy way to get thru this. I've told myself a million times (probably will tonite too when i wake up at 4 a.m.) - that i can always leave tomorrow. there are just alot of practical considerations aren't tehre?
I always thought i'd storm out if i ever found out someone was cheating. when it happened to me- all i could do is look around the florida house and thing how awful it would be rite then to pack up 36 years of "stuff" - i was not up to it- at all. i was shattered (i'm embarassed to say how badly it clobberedme) (i'd have staked my life on his integrity) (ha! what integrity???
anyway- so i stayed put- i even decided i'd be darned if i'd go stay at someone elses house and have a rotten nite in someone elses bed -
i wonder now if i'm nuts? water under that bridge huh?
alot of folks on forum advised leave him and shock him, etc. mwd in her book says if you de liver an ultimatum right now- they will just pick ow & go. i beleived it.
i have no idea now three years later where he stands. i think he thinks i'll be here forever - i am not so sure. He is "buying" me- i am allowing him to. i can remember very vividly when i left my ex husband how stinky it was being incredibly - INCREDIBLY - POOR. do not particularly want to rusn into that.
i am keeping my thoughts to my self- when i'm ready i'll make my move. wouldn't he drop his teeth if i announced i'm outta here. or better yet- i just disapper from his life and he has no idea - not a one.
oh well- in light of what i know now- i am keeping allll my bad thoughts and plans to myself. keeping allllll my options open in life- when my " new road" presents itself- and i know for sure what I want- ta da.
hope you make it th ru the day okay. having your daughter to do it for must be a big help. i can get rite out of myself by helping someone else. last bunch of years i've been helping out my mom- her memory was going and her health (89 yrs) and so on. it was a long worrisome business - i am just empty now- and tired - so we'll see what fugture brings.
good luck- sorry this got long (25 yrs as a legal secre t ary so i can just "chat" away and type as fast as i can think- just wanted to throw in a bit of my history so you know who is writing to you.
it does get "better" - my neices all (two different families) have suffered alot from their parents' divorces. i don 't think these men ever realize what they are doing to the kids - (and us) and how irreversable and unforgettable it all is. in a few years when he wants to be all "lets forgive and forget" with them- t hey will still "know" who and what he was and it will always (i think - i o bserve) taint their future r with him. you cannot just dump people who loveyou and then expect them to forget it - or not know it in the end.
that's going to be the tragedy in his life- when your h realizes you all are/were a huge part of his life and he misses it and wants it and wants to be part of the famly and he had taken himself out of it and done alot of damage to everyone's hert.
retribution i guess = no one comes out of this junk unscathed (imho). oh well - i'll send up a little prayer for your daughters - it's soooo hard on them and sooo undeserved. i cannot imagine.
hang on- good luck - vent here like mad- it'll defuse you.
Thank you nero for sharing your story and understanding.
This is truly difficult. I know h knows there is something wrong, said it when he left that he felt cold inside, there was nothing there. Has since seen an md. But it's not enough for him to just step back and take some time before he tore apart the family completely. I think even if he wakes up he will not be able to come back. I don't think he would be strong enough to face this. That's really sad to believe because none of us hate him, we just can't deal with his behavior and if he were to want to come home and deal with the issues and put them behind us he would be forgiven and welcomed back with open arms from everyone. Well, maybe not our d15. She has told me numerous times she doesn't want him to come home, so there is a lot of work to be done there.
Still haven't heard from him so I guess it's been a good weekend for him. Our son believes he is drinking again and if so he will probably not recover from that this time. Maybe he's going back to face his childhood (alcoholic at 13) drinking, hanging out with young guys, playing the teenager again.
I get mlc is about reevaluating your life and making changes that are better for you, but I don't see how being a drunk, deadbeat dad is doing better. But I guess in his mind it is.
I think depression is on him hard too since his mom's death and his stroke. I know he has a lot to carry and I'm sorry for that, but I can't let him drag me down with him. I wish I could help him, but I can only help me to survive. It makes me so very sad.
Hi Tears, I, like you, know I had issues that helped get our marriage to where it did. Of course, I was really trying to be a good husband and father. Like you, I HATE that my W refused to even try. Never accepted ANY responsibility for any part she played. She just says her "feelings changed" about me and that she is "unhappy" and I must be the reason. Why should she try as she's no longer "in love" with me (but does love me, you know that drill). She told me yesterday that she's filing for D. This comes a week and half after telling me she had no intention doing so for at least a year. Seems her father offered to pay for her lawyer so she changed her mind.
I now need to go get a L of my own but my W doesn't want me too (her's is "nice" and will be fair). I have to tell my 2 girls that mom is not only leaving but also no longer will even try separation.
I also don't see how denying that she has any control over her "feelings", blaming me for her unhappiness without even trying MC. Doing everything she swore she never would. And now not even trying separation only because if she gets the D now, her daddy will pay for it. The money is more important than our 20 years together. The constant re-writing of the past, going all the way back to not loving me the day we got married! How does this make her a better person? I hope your D15 is doing OK. My D14 isn't going to take this change well but I will always do what is best for her and hopefully that will be enough.
Hang in there Tears, it seems like it's been a rough weekend for every LBS on here! Things are going to get better, for both of us!
Hey Matt, I'm so sorry you are going through this too. It is sad that they won't even try. I told my h I was willing to do counseling with no expectations. If he still wanted to leave after that I wouldn't try and stop it, but that I thought we owed it to our life together to make sure we had gone the extra mile. But no.
My h has his friends and possibly ow to push him in the direction of divorce. I know that no one can make you do anything, but my h has always followed whatever crowd he's with. Like he doesn't have a mind of his own. Sounds like your wife is getting affirmation from her dad and even though ultimately it's her decision, I also know that when your at a tipping point you can be swayed to make decisions.
I too was blamed and I'll take the blame for things I've done, but in looking back this seems to be the way it goes. I didn't know my h was an alcoholic when we married. He kept that well hidden. After marrying him I found out how bad it was. He blamed me. How could that be my fault when it started before I even knew him. I guess it's easier to blame me for everything instead of looking at himself also.
You can't reason with someone who has shut down I guess. I don't even try anymore. His thoughts and feelings are his own. He went to counseling to initiate divorce and he even told the counselor he had no intention of changing. So that leaves no room for improvement on that front. I've learned a lot about myself and I'm sure I'll learn more as soon as I can get past the pain.
I hope you can get your own lawyer. I sure wouldn't use hers. I've learned the hard way that they have become people that are not trustworthy anymore. I never would have expected what I get from my h. The fact that he wants to leave is not what is the biggest shock - it's the way he treats me and d. He really could care less about us. That I would have never thought of him even if he wanted a divorce. That's not his character. But it is now.
Well h can't seem to be bothered with the only 2 things I have asked of him since he left. Schedule visitation through me and only contact me via text or email. Tonight he calls d15 for visitation - she tells him she's busy then he's blowing up my phone. I don't answer. I'm really getting mad about this. I am completely out of his life, I don't not bother him in any way. You would think I only asked two things of him that he could comply since he agreed to it. But no, he can do whatever the heck he wants and I'm supposed to deal with it. Well, not happening anymore. I don't care if he doesn't come back. He's not going to keep playing me and d15 like we're just nothing, like he can treat us however he wants and we just have to accept it. No more of this.
I've learned the hard way that they have become people that are not trustworthy anymore.
I wouldn't say he doesn't care. It's more that he cares about something else more, Tears.
Himself.
Like a drowning person, he's consumed by his own survival. Drinking, OW, etc - all medications. All symptoms.
You're right to be angry. Who wouldn't be?
But don't let that go on too long. It'll take on a life of it's own if you're not careful. Feel it, and let it go else you'll become a victim. That's not fair to you and not a good place to be.
When you set your boundaries, like you did above, be sure to keep them. And do yourself a favor - stop with the expectations that he'll do what he says. He might, but...
Hang in there.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks AJ, It's hard not to have some anger though.
I have to have the dog put down tomorrow, he's 16 and not well, and then first thing this morning the people are here for h's fancy shed that I guess he didn't make the payments for and I have to fork over almost 1k so they don't haul it away with all his tools in it. Then he tells me I can only take 500 bucks for 2 weeks of support - he needs the remainder 1200.00 for himself.
So needless to say anger was in full force today.
I do have counseling tomorrow so I'm hoping to be able to get some perspective and then the lawyer. But I didn't let my anger get the best of me, I didn't say anything about the shed or the money or the dog. I didn't respond to him in any way. Just left it be. I did have to give myself a time out first though. LOL At least I'm learning not to react like I normally would. It wouldn't have done any good anyway.
But even after all that I did go out to lunch with a friend and then went with both my d's to see gd's first gymnastics class and then all us girls went out to dinner. I couldn't do that even 2 weeks ago. So some progress being made for me.
