New Here and to MLC Sinking Fast

[AJM]

Tears, first off - Happy Mother's Day!

He says he doesn't understand why I'm so upset and don't just get on with my life, like this is no big deal

Why don't they just go away? Why do they act like it's no big deal, get over it?

Hard to say really. If you've seen Cadet's posting of lists of reading, you'll see it's not uncommon. It seems to me that the nature is: selfishness, control, and pretending everything is "normal". That seems to me like how a depressed or mentally anguished person acts. As is often mentioned regarding a MLCer, believe none of what they do and half of what they say. The reason for that is that, well, they lie. They act like aliens, even to themselves. I suspect that's why later, after the dust settles, they really don't remember much of the junk they spew. At first. They know they treated you horribly, but not the specifics. As if it was somebody else doing it, at the time.

The key is to see what they do with that shame, guilt, etc after the journey.

How long is the journey? Nobody knows nor can predict.

For the family members, it's as if an IED went off close to them. Devastating and painful. To have them keep coming back as if it's your fault and "why can't we just get along" builds a lot more character in you then you might like right now

It's been 7 or 8 years since my wife left. It started with ILYBINILWY speech, then went on to she wanted to date etc. Then to blaming me. She remarried a few months after the divorce. She has been trying to "take" the kids, even though she left them at the time. She still, as recently as a few days ago, tries to do the same as your H is doing. Because I don't respond, she has recruited her H and my daughter into the drama. To me, it feels like she is trying to control things and still trying to blame me for her unhappiness. Along the way, she has been trying to do that in those words...

Why? I honestly do not know. I'm not perfect and never was, but 7 or 8 years later?

I talk about that because you should know that you need to figure out what you're going to do regardless of what he does. You need to work on you regardless of what is going on around you in relation to him. He will try very hard to illicit a reaction from you. He will feel in control if he can. In some ways, he will be if he can get a reaction from you.

Think about it. He's not doing this explicitly to hurt you. That's a symptom not the reason. You can't tell him that and you can't help him. But you can focus on you and your D and work to be a joyful person that enjoys her life without him.

You won't understand it, Tears. To do so would be to understand crazy. I don't wish that on you.

You are still grieving. That comes with all kinds of fun such as sorrow, anger, acceptance, etc. By fun I mean it is hard work that you cannot avoid. I promise it gets better and more manageable whether they go away or not. Whether they try to upset the apple cart or not. Whether or not he's in your life in any capacity. How and when is up to you. You'll get there when you get there.

Allow yourself the time to grieve and try to not get riled up by his antics. And don't beat yourself up if you do or if you have days that feel like a set back. Just remember the next day is a new day and could be a great one. Keep putting those great days together and allow that the bad ones come and go more quickly as time progresses. Regardless of what he does or doesn't do.


Peace,
AJ

[Tears]

Thank you AJ. I will forgive myself for today being a hard day for me. I get so upset at myself when I can't stay focused on my goals and that makes it go even harder. You are right, it doesn't matter what he thinks that I should be fine and over this. He doesn't get to decide what I feel. I don't want to be stuck in the grieving process but maybe I'm just trying to hold it back too much and I need to let myself grieve when I need to for a while.
Your encouragement and insight is very helpful. It's all very confusing and his behavior is always a contradiction to what he says and then of course the lies and then it just overwhelms me.
I never react in front of him or to him. I have learned that much. I leave him alone and only respond to him when necessary. He sometimes makes that hard because a lot of times if I don't respond to him he will call our d and he knows I will respond then because I don't want her going through anymore than she already is.
So I will keep trying and cut myself some slack on the bad days.
I'm sorry for all that you have gone through AJ and what you are still going through. And I thank you for helping me.

[AJM]

A couple things that may help:
Yep, they know how to push buttons to get what they want. Like a two-year-old trying to get some candy, they will stop at nothing. In many ways, they are just like a selfish two-year-old. But we aren't their parent, so some things are very different.

I found this link I think you might find useful: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=173939&page=1

You'll see at the top of the forum some information under Smurf's posting that has a lot of links. You can also search for Cadet and find his list of links (updated to be more current I imagine).

Some useful information to look at. In the link I put above, there's a link to a book that Snodderly (changed to job) talked about. I think you may want to have a look there as well.

Finally, don't misunderstand what I was saying about my own situation. I truly only told you so you'd know it may not go away. Many people who knew about my situation told me it would go away shortly after she left. Then it was shortly after she married. Or after she finished school. Or... But you should also understand I am not in the least sorry it happened. I feel for my kids, but I am just fine. If not better because of the experience. Not that I'd like to have admitted that before, but it is what it is.

Don't be so hard on yourself


AJ

[Tears]

Thanks for the thread AJ.
I am aware that this isn't going to go away anytime soon or possibly not at all. This much I've learned even though I wish it weren't true.
Today h called d15. She said he didn't even ask about her, only wanted to know about me. That's the part that is really hard. She is sick with a sore throat and fever and he didn't even ask about her. Didn't even plan a day with her like he said he was going to. She was very mad but I know inside she is very hurt.
I feel for h that this is the way he is now. He is missing so much that he will never get back. I think I'm finally starting to get it that there has to be something wrong with him to not want to enjoy our kids. They are so much fun. If it was only me taking the hit then I would believe it's just the m, but this is so much more. And there is really nothing you can do about it. So I will do my best to find my way through this and be strong and happily involved with the kids.
And I will continue to read through the threads that you have suggested. Thanks so much.

[AJM]

Tears, that's exactly right. It really is about him, and I doubt seriously this is something he "wanted" to happen. Try to keep that in mind regardless of what he says or does. In time, the things you're wondering about will become clearer. You'll become stronger and more balanced (if you work on you during all of this) and you'll find out how this will play out.

Until then, focus on you and the kids. Don't miss the time with them because of him. You'll regret that no matter how things end up.

Keep reading and keep posting. It helps to get your thoughts out. It helps not just you but others that are, or are about to go through the same things.

Another poster you may want to look up is RAINE. She has some interesting threads and is very articulate about her thoughts and feelings. 25MLC is another one I highly recommend, as I do Job. All very different situations, but they are all very good at articulating their feelings during their journeys.

Peace,
AJ

[Tears]

Reading all the threads. I'm having some decent days and days that I struggle. Today is a struggle.
I have no contact with h except for finances now. He seems fine with that. He has pretty much stopped contact with our d15. He hasn't called her in a week or seen her in 2. That's very hard. Financially he has not kept up his agreement and lied about finances. This payday he needed to keep most of his pay for "doctors visits" (we have insurance) so sorry for me and d that he can't help out more. Great. And then wanted to know how I was doing. I didn't respond.
It's only been 3 months and I'm trying not to be too hard on myself but I really hate days like today when I'm feeling so sad and scared. He has pulled away even farther. I guess that makes him happy, to forget his past and move on, or it's part of the mlc. From what I understand it just gets worse.
Is that correct that some in mlc are very in contact in the beginning like he was when he first left and then just sort of disappear? I've left him alone from the beginning and only responded when he called and sent texts but since I've backed away from responding to anything except financial issues or d he has stopped also. But I had to stop because he was doing a lot of cake eating and telling me how I should be happy and find someone new and how mad it makes him that I don't and how we should just be friends, but when I would go out or not answer him right away I'd get the third degree or our poor d would.
I'm so confused.

[job]

Tears,
I'm very sorry you are struggling w/your h's crisis. It's very normal for some them to have contact at the beginning of the crisis, but as they begin to move into replay, depression and
withdrawal, they do tend to disappear and only have contact when they have moments of clarity. Please keep in mind, they do tend to drop most, if not all interacts w/the spouse, children, pets, families and old friends.

There are three types of mlcers: 1)droplets, they come by once in a blue moon and then go off on their happy way again for long periods of time. 2) Drop ins, tend to come over and stay for dinner and do work around the home. They are like guests who come and go quite often and yet do not want to recommit to the relationship. I consider them heavy duty cake eaters; and 3) drop outs. Drop outs just up and disappear and you don't see them again for a very long time. They ride off into the sunset and one day show up once again...but you don't hear from them, see them or have any interaction w/them. Some never return and you never hear from them again.

As for doctor's visits, how often does he go and if he's got insurance, his co-pay can't be that high that he couldn't provide you w/some funding. He asks about how you are doing because he feels guilty for what he's doing and he's hoping that you are finding your way along and even though he wants you to meet someone new, he truly doesn't. It's all about him and how he wants to alleviate h is guilt and shame, something you have had nothing to do with.

If you need to discuss finances or your d, don't hesitate to contact him. As for being friends, well...their definition of friends is not the same as what we consider friends. They want us to sit on the sidelines, don't rock the boat and allow them to do whatever they want. Friends, like he's referencing at not what any of us want in our lives. He wants to be able to tell others how well the two of you are getting along, even w/the separation...he wants to look like the greatest guy on the planet and he certainly doesn't want to look bad to anyone.

As for telling him your business, especially when you go out...don't do it. If you discover he is giving your d the third degree, do not tell her everything you are doing while out. At least that will keep her out of the middle of his questioning. He's still trying to control and/or manipulate you even when he doesn't want to be w/you.

So, what do you do? You keep yourself busy, keep the focus on you and your d and allow this man to work through his crisis all by his lonesome. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him.

In time, you'll begin to see and better understand what's happening w/your h. You are going to have many days of confusion, as well as ups and downs. Try to get as much sleep as you can, drink plenty of fluids, eat properly and exercise. Stress can trigger many different types of health issues and you need to find a way to release that stress and yes, anger.

Continue to post as it's a good way to vent and we all have been where you are at. It's not a fun place to be.

[Tears]

I quit telling him anything a few weeks ago and went as no contact as possible. He did call d a bit ago and made plans for Thursday, but again did not run it by me. I've let that go until now and I just sent him an email asking him to please set up visitation with our d through me and not d. Fortunately she has nothing pressing at school that day and we don't have plans so it's no a problem this week. But I felt I needed to give him that boundry. It's been over 2 weeks since he's seen her and then to just think he will make it whatever day whenever he wants isn't fair especially during a school day. I don't know what he's thinking.
I'm sure that will make him mad, but I don't know why. I've abided by all his wishes, I don't bother him or give him any grief and haven't since he left. He should be more considerate, so if he gets mad oh well.

[tadpole1025]

Hi Tears. I usually only post on my thread, but was reading yours and just thought I'd throw this out there:

No matter what you do, even giving him everything he wants, he will likely STILL get angry. MLCers are angry people. Angry at you, themselves, the world....It's just the way it is. That's why it is best for you to have as little contact as possible and detach. THAT has helped me more than anything.

I've been on this board three and a half years and am sometimes still baffled by my XW but......I don't let it get to me like it did in the beginning. It does get easier.

It [censored] to be on this board, but it is the best place to be during this difficult time. Take care.

Tad

[Italian]

Reading some of the terrible behaviours some MLCers have, or even just the stress of when they keep switching between nice and monster for no reason whatsoever... I'm kinda happy mine is a vanisher. At the end of the day, if this is the end of the line, it's much better for me to go cold turkey and never hear from him again. Will save me a lot of stress.