Tears, I think you can find Cadet's postings at the top of the forum. It's one of the stickied items there if I recall correctly. If not, you can use the search item and search for Cadet's posts and you'll find the links in one of those.
What you describe about him and about you and your feelings strike me as completely normal for this forum. I wish it weren't so.
I'll caution you. You really can't make the generalization that many don't return. Many do. (Be careful what you wish for)
All in all, this may not be what you asked for or about you, but it is a chance for you to really work on you. Regardless of what he does. But until you get a chance to grieve and get that out of your system, it's a lot of ups and downs. Hang in there and learn to surf the waves as they come. You'll see what I mean.
AJ
P.S. Be careful to not setup a situation where you crave your daughter's confirmation that you're not crazy. Or anyone's, but her's specifically. It'll put her in a bad spot with regards to a relationship with her dad.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I found Cadets thread, thank you. Being careful about kids. Unfortunately, he has treated all 3 of them with little regard and coldness and lied to them all blatantly. We only have d15 still at home and he has put her through it, not calling, not seeing her regularly, and the thing that hurts her most she told me is that he never says he loves her anymore. Our older kids he just doesn't keep in contact with. Being that our kids are old enough to be aware of what goes on it's hard to shield them. When he blatantly lies to our d that he has to work when he is off so he doesn't have to come and see her there is no way to deflect that. I made excuses for him at first but they didn't fly and she pretty much told me that she isn't stupid and to quit treating her that way. So the kids and I try not to talk about him at all. D15 only talks about him when she sees him. I don't ask her to, but she does. I think it's because she has told me many times how uncomfortable she is with him. She says he's not the same and only talks about himself and his friend. But I will try to be more observant of how I interact with the kids when their father comes up.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I don't have much advice I'm afraid, since I'm a newbie and pretty much in your same situation. But you are in my thoughts and I'm rooting for you. You're not alone!
Me: 26, BF: 33, R: 9yrs Bomb dropped April 17th 2014 Currently No Contact
Today is hard. I think because of Mother's Day. I'm trying to learn to detach and GAL but I'm finding it very difficult. The pain is still very strong and I have a hard time with my emotions sometimes. Like today h called our d to be sure she didn't need any help with Mother's Day and that he would call her next week (I guess still too busy to call her daily) to set up a time for them to get together. I don't know why this upset me so much. But I've been crying since she told me. It hurts that he left and even more that he plays these dumb games. On the outside it seems nice of him but it's not. He hasn't spoken to d all week and that's what he calls her about. And the rule of no crying when he is around and go find yourself another man to make you happy. I don't cry around him but he always warns me not to. I rarely see him and I try to not speak to him if possible although he seems to find reasons to push that when a text will work just fine. I don't need a man to make me happy. What a crock. Just like he thinks I should take our d and move to another state. Wow, I didn't know I was that horrible. I don't know this man, he is mean and horrible, so why do I cry over him? I wish I could let go a lot quicker, like right now.
I suppose one question to ask - is it him that you're crying over?
Quote:
I don't know this man, he is mean and horrible, so why do I cry over him? I wish I could let go a lot quicker, like right now.
Or is it part of the grieving the marriage/relationship and the shock at how different he is?
Calling to make sure your D remembers Mother's day, by itself, is not ominous. But your feelings are still very raw and it's not what you wanted nor expected, right?
No, you're not that horrible. This is his issue. There's no getting around that. But try not to make it yours by having expectations about how he'll act. Regardless of what he says, your expectations will keep you stuck.
Took me a long time to learn that. I hope it's a little faster for you
Don't be surprised as things come up that they invoke emotions you thought you dealt with. It's part of it. It happens to us all.
Happy Mother's day! Don't let his antics spoil the day for you.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I'm trying not to. I had to work this morning so I had to leave my phone on in case d needed me. I planned on turning it off the second I hit the door but h had to text me first thing this morning in all caps Happy Mother Day. I'm sure it was a mass text like at Easter. He just keeps pushing and I don't get it. I leave him alone why doesn't he do the same? It feels like a slap in the face to me. He's been going on about this with d for 2 weeks before today and she has repeatedly told him that she has mothers day for me and her under control and to stop, no sending flowers or calling. But he just keeps it up. I could really understand this if this was what we both wanted, but he knows I don't feel the same way he does and yet he continues to push his own agenda. So to me it feels like a slap in the face.
I think I am having a similar thought process, even though our situations are different... I don't want this new, mean, horrible person. I want the person he was before! Where did it go? Is it dead for good? Was it never there and I just had 'salami slices in front of my eyes' (as we say in Italy!) because I was in love?
I suppose it takes some time to let go of what was before, especially if it all changed so quickly and so abruptly. And I definitely don't understand why he's pushing you like this. Obviously he's being very selfish - he gets something out of getting a rise out of you (maybe proof that you still care?) and the need to have that validation overrides the concern for your wellbeing...
Me: 26, BF: 33, R: 9yrs Bomb dropped April 17th 2014 Currently No Contact
I don't think he wants to know if I still care. I think he would be happy if I dropped off the face of the earth. When I do have to see him he looks at me like I'm a piece of garbage. He says he doesn't understand why I'm so upset and don't just get on with my life, like this is no big deal. I guess for him it's not a big deal, and that's the really hard part to digest. I guess in mlc they only care about themselves. That's very apparent in this case. I'm trying to forget about him and lock the past away and pretend like he never was a part of my life. Right now I wish he never was in my life. That I had never met him.
Tears I'm so sorry you're having a bad day. We all go through that during this sh*t, it's natural. I had a bad day yesterday too for no reason, just sometimes it hits you and you realize you're still grieving. I cried for the first time in weeks, just want the pain to stop and it does ease up a bit. It's hard to put the past away and not think about it, I think we get hormonal too and some days are just worse than others. It's true they are very selfish in MLC and it does sort of hope to think of them as gone, out of the country, some say think of him as dead but I don't feel right about that so I just think he's gone on a long distance trip and I won't see him for a very long time. Change up your house and get rid of things that remind you of that past life. Journal Journal Journal and then journal some more. Go for a walk. allow yourself to grieve. find ways to get rid of your anger in a positive manner, or break dishes if you have to sometimes really loud heavy metal music helps me. or a hot bath and crying. read books, work on yourself. that's the only thing in your control. eventually we learn to let go. we have to. you're not alone, this is his problem, you're not garbage and you will find strength you never knew you had. take it a day at a time, an hour at a time. it does get better.
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
