BD and 6 mts later PA confirmed

[Bunches]

Barry, W has seen a lawyer but she cannot do much because she is broke. My W wasn't working for the last 1.5 years before BD. She walked out at BD with nothing. She has a job with great legal insurance now and only costs $500 to file but she still can't afford it.

So I had a terrible blowout with W on Friday. Picked up my S to head out of town and we chatted for a minute about the summer plans. Somehow we keep getting wires crossed about plans and when I mentioned her picking him up Monday and then me getting him back the following Monday she blew up. She wanted him for 3 - 4 weeks solid with me visiting him instead. I don't want that because I want to see my S but believe we need to not be seeing each other every day or even every other. I let her draw me into an arguement instead of walking away and ended up saying things about trust that didn't need to come out. She lost it and walked out, sent me a nasty text saying I called her an unfit mother, called me back 5 minutes later to apologize, then started to tell me how I wasn't involved with my S his whole life, we argued some more, she cried and then hung up on me. We haven't spoken in 3 days but she did text me the next day to say she hoped we were having a wonderful weekend. Anyhow, we did have a great weekend at a lake. Had family along and a ton of fun for 3 days. Now W will be picking him up shortly and we have to talk again about the schedule. We will see how that goes. Going to read the 37 rules again before hand.

On another note, I'm finally reaching that point where I care but could go either way and am feeling pretty good about my future. W has really pushed me to the point where I'm letting things move along and think the best thing for now is going to be us being away from each other. W's A ended nearly a month ago but she seems just as determined as ever to D. She makes me nuts and I think it will do me a lot of good to be away from her as much as possible for the coming months.

Barry, what you said about asking for more specifics from last year seems to be out of reach for the moment. I think any R talk will have to stay out of touch for now until either things settle some more or until she feel different. I think there has been too much arguing recently and things need to settle and heal some.

[Bunches]

W came by tonight and picked up S for a week long visit. Until she finds a new job she has some time and wanted to spend it with him. I don't really object so...
We had a pleasant business like conversation about plans for the summer. I'm looking into signing him up for a camp starting next week, talked about some of the other things I'd like to do with him (Six Flags / Waterparks) and she seemed surprised. I didn't typically get out much before and now I have all these plans. Things recently are keeping the money flowing out but at least I'm feeling good about them. She did take the time to clarify why she said some of the cruel things she spewed on Friday which I'm just chalking up to emotion at this point. All in all, I'd consider it progress. Lines are drawn at this point and she is realizing I'm not here financially to support of emotionally to clean her mess up.

[Bunches]

Didn't even realize its been over a week since my last post. GAL has been in high gear recently. W took our S for about a week visit since she is not working again for the moment. Things were quite and I got alot done without thinking about R. I setup camp for S to go to and W and I agreed to meetup to drop him off so we could both check it out. We ended up talking for like an hour after that. She of course is really unhappy and things still not going her way. I still can't help feeling like I want to help her in some fashion. I always worry about her. She says there is nothing I can do since all of her life consequences are her fault at this point. No idea what to say to that one.

Anyhow, she messages me later to let me know she was in an accident tonight. Aparently scary situation but nobody hurt. I'm feeling kinda rough again today. Had a great week but all it took was hanging out and talking to her for an hour and I feel pulled back to her and can't get her out of my head again. Ugghh, I suck at being non dependant of her.

[Bunches]

Having some tough times again this week. W and I lived in this house for almost 8 years and I'm having to pack everything up this week to move into apartment next weekend. Seems like most things have their own memory and cause me to stop and think. Spent some time with friends today, but more so to avoid the packing than planned GAL stuff. I have to go out of town again for a few days this week. Work will have me driving back and forth to NC for the next few weeks. Bad timing but it can't be helped.

Did manage to make plans and spend another evening hanging out with BIL on Friday. According to him its not okay with W that I've been spending time with him or FIL. They have been so supportive, I don't plan on writing them off in life just because she is uncomfortable. She approached me about this once already. Seems to think I should be cutting ties sooner or later to anyone on her side of the family.

[twinmom]

Bunches, if you have read my threads I make mistreated all the time but here it's my advice.
As long as you are not spending time with her family to try and get info/talk them into "reasoning with her" or something like that I don't see a problem with it.
If you would hang out with these people just for who they are then I say go for it and ignore W. It's none of her business

[Bunches]

Thanks Twin. I don't spend time with them to talk about W. I didn't spend much time with them before but thats been true for pretty much all of my family. I've always been one of those guys that just doesn't take the time unless someone else initiates spending time or setting up to do things. Since BD though things have just changed, between me and her family as well as mine. I talk to my parents regularly and hang out with several family members on an ongoing basis. I like the change in me that makes me feel like I'm there for others now instead of just....there when I have to be. I don't expect it to earn points. It will probably continue to irritate her but I don't think that matters. Whatever her problem is with me spending time with them is her problem. Family is not conditional and I won't just write anyone off for another persons choices or actions.

[Bunches]

Okay, so I get this email from W today. Really a bit aggrivating. I feel like she is turning perspective on me to make it look like I'm the bad guy now. She makes several examples to me changing the plans of visitation to S, but throughout my threads she was constantly changing life courses and then also lying to me about A until I found out. Now she is really unhappy with our situation and seems to blame me.

Here is her email below. I'm really disgusted with it.

"I know things are a little weird right now, but there is a lot of things regarding our situation that are bothering me and I am tired of holding back and not saying anything.

First of all, my biggest concern is S. When we first separated we agreed that we were to put S first regardless of how we felt about each other and what was going on between us. Up until the last month or two, I felt that we had done that. When I left, we agreed it was best for S to stay in the house with you, for at least the remainder of the school year, for his stability and routine. It was uncomfortable, but I picked him up off the bus everyday and spent time with him and saw you everyday, just to give him the time he needed with both of his parents. I still was unemployed and as much as he was living with you, I was still his primary care. We agreed that I would have him when he was not in school, so I decided to get a job as a bus driver so I could continue to be available when he was not in school. Then when I started my training for bus driving, I couldn't pick him up every day, so we worked out a joint visitation schedule that I could spend two evenings a week with him and every other weekend. That worked great! Then when I actually started driving, I again got to see him every day, but still spent the two evenings a week with him and every other weekend. Again that was fantastic. Then the plan was to have him move in with me for the summer, since again I would be on summer break with him, and you would begin with the visitation schedule that I had been abiding by for months. But when the time came, you were no longer comfortable with that, so I bowed down and agreed to your schedule of us having him every other week in a joint custody schedule. This no longer works for me. I understand that you don't want to see me, however, I didn't want to see you everyday in the beginning but I did so I could see my child and it was what was best for him. It is absolutely ridiculous for someone else to watch our child when I am perfectly capable and available to do so. We always said if one of us needed help with S for anything, the other parent would be the first to be contacted to be given the opportunity. You are now calling family members, a lot of the time my own family members, to take care of S when you are working, and to top it all off you and they are keeping it all from me. I have a right to know where my child is and who they are with and it is absolutely unacceptable for me not to have a chance to spend time with him when you can't. He's my son too, and I should definitely have a say in this. We said we weren't going to put S in the middle of all of this, but that is exactly what you are doing. He needs me, just like we both need him. So until, I have a different job and schedule, we need to revisit how the visitation is working out. If you don't want to see me, I can work it out with SIL to get S and bring him back to her, but I am not going to keep going a full week at a time without seeing my son. Let me know your thoughts on this.


Second, I am going to ask you to please stop contacting my family to help you out with S. I should be your first contact, and if I have a conflict, I will reach out to my family for assistance if necessary. Up until the last little bit, I did not mind you staying in touch with my family, but now that you and they are keeping it from me all the time, I do have a problem. This is a very delicate situation and we need to leave everybody out of it as much as possible. I understand that family is there to help, but putting the family ahead of the parent is not okay. I haven't done that with your family and I have ALWAYS gone to you first if there has been a schedule conflict with Nathan, and I don't intend on it changing. I ask that you show me the same respect.


I know that things are a little crazy for you right now with work, moving, and the divorce. I also know that I have hurt you a lot and I'm sorry for that. I really want us to be able to work everything out and have a good relationship for S's sake. I will not keep him from you and still want as much of a joint custody schedule as possible. It is what's best for S, and in all actuality, it's best for us as well. We need our son. And nobody, especially each other, should get in the way of that.


I'm sorry to hit you with this, however I'm tired of being quiet. All my life I've kept my mouth shut to avoid conflict, and I am always the one to get hurt because of this. I am trying to build myself a new life, and this is part of it. If you would like for us to meet somewhere and discuss this further, that's fine. But things are going to have to change one way or another. You can't keep changing the plan just to benefit yourself.
"

[Tarheel]

Bunches, I've received some of the same type of comments from my WAW- how she's doing what's best for the kids (no, that would be their parents trying to work things out), how we should continue to be friends (despite the betrayal of an A) and how I've switched up plans without consulting with her (like we should be accommodating to a WAW?).

The mind of a WAW- it's almost like they have set plan of how things will work and as soon as we take a stand for what's best for us, it throws them off their game.

Maybe I'm just speaking from the bitter LBH perspective, but as long as you're not fishing for info, I think you should be able to contact who ever you want (including her family). If they have a problem with helping out with S, I assume they'll let you know. Tell W 'welcome to the world of D.' Ok, don't really say that : )

[Bunches]

Need some opinions. My W sent the email a couple posts back and I'm trying to word my response. I would ignore it but this is just going to boil over so I think I need to respond. I'm trying to avoid the spew and fight she is baiting while maintaining my boundaries and and getting my needs out there. Feedback welcome of the below.

"Your email was pretty big and you put a lot into it so I felt I needed to take time before responding. I’d like to start by saying I am glad for you speaking your mind. I understand that all that comes from keeping everything to ourselves is bitterness and resentment. I can see how you might feel that I’m making plans to benefit me from where you stand. I’m not going to get into what plans were and why because I think that will just lead us in circles from each of our perspective. I understand that you were much more comfortable with our previous arrangements and rightly so. I spent nearly 6 months trying to make sure your needs came first and that you were comfortable in whatever schedule we worked out. It seems that you were fairly happy with the arrangements, but just to be clear I was not. If you would like to make some schedule changes, then we can talk about it and arrange something. I think I have been flexible in making changes when necessary. I honestly did not think our most recent schedule could last more than 3 or 4 weeks. Depending on the job you find things may need a lot of arranging.
As for family, I don’t intend to stop having contact with anyone. They are all my family as well. There may be times I intentionally avoid mentioning things with them at their request, which is their business."

[Barrybran]

How about validating her feelings about the schedule, asking what she would like in a new schedule and ignoring the part about her family?

Something like "W, I understand that not seeing S for a week upsets you and I appreciate you voicing your feelings. What would be a fair arrangement to you?"