BD and 6 mts later PA confirmed

[Bunches]

I don't think I've been clear with boundaries so far. W dropped off S after school again today and had the impression that as next school year started up she would continue to get him from school each day and work out getting him to me after either spending time with him or just dropping him off right away. We have discussed daycare multiple times for next year and established that he would be living with me. I may not have communicated clearly but I don't know how she didn't get this one. I'm not sure if I'm being unfair but I currently have had to live most of my weekdays around her schedule. She is at my place every weekday when I come home and there is always an amount of awkwardness. I can't stop her from pursuing D but I don't want her over everyday then. I need my personal space without being reminded every day about her and her feelings. Is that so wrong?

She seemed so upset by it...not mad but upset, which I can understand as our plans are obviously different.

[Ggrass]

The way your telling it she's left but still has you for connivence. I wouldn't allow her to clog up your weekend, especially if she's not prepared to do the work to come home.

I wouldn't answer her beeping you, you know road runner beeps at the coyote as he passes and the whole cycle begins again! Your tired, let her beep and run, sit and read a good book and rest!

[Bunches]

Feeling low and weak after difficult confrontation tonight.

W admitted how far the afair went and that it had been going on since before she left. She told me the guy didn't just loose interest in her. He is still M / S to his W but that he had pursued her before she left. He dumped her though recently so his W wouldn't find out. She said that I had told her some things last year around the time my dad died that I don't remember saying that made her feel unloved. I did have a bad period of time around then and didn't handle much well but I don't remember saying those things like that. I may have said something similar but not to the effect she took it. Anyhow, its out in the open now even more so.

I don't know how to write the rest....

[Barrybran]

Did she say what things you said to make her feel unloved? Can you think of anything from this period you can 180 if you haven't done so already?

[Bunches]

She said that she really knew things were not going to work last April in a car ride where I said that I did not want to get married when we did and that I did not want to have sex because she had put on weight. I don't remember saying that. But the car ride she is talking about was coming home from the hospital where my father was in a coma from a bleed formed in his brain caused by Leukemia. We had to make the decision that day to end life support, so I don't really know that I didn't say something stupid because I was emotionally torn up.

I do remember trying to convey to her a few times at the beginning of last year that things were tough when we first got married and that it had all gone faster than we should have and I was focused on the wrong things often and that caused a lot of distance. But I was trying to convey the message that I was a young idiot who didn't know how to be a husband and made mistakes. When we had those talks it was because I couldn't tell what was going on in her head and she wouldn't talk to me about them.

Whats the best 180 out of this? Don't say stupid things or just to get better at saying what I mean?

[owl777]

I would talk with a DBcoach. To me you care about your M and family or wouldn't be here. Your wife is acting out and from what I've read, you have some hope and need to proceed in the best way possible. Reread and concentrate on Sandi's list.
You're doing some tough work, Bunches. Reflecting helps us to see ourselves better. It was a difficult time you were going through with your dad and stress causes us to latch out and say things we wouldn't normally say and do during other times in our life. During this time, it appears, your W kept silent and rather than expressing how hurt she felt, she decided to act out in a bigger way. At least you can recall the car ride. My H, soon to be x, has developed amnesia on a need basis and it's almost chronic when he's hurtful, during stressful times and not.

[Bunches]

Thanks Owl, you are probably right. W immediately turned the end of last nights conver. into when we could proceed with D. She has just been pushing that the whole time. Up until now I've just avoided the D talk and left alone but I think avoiding it is getting in my way. I'm letting it proceed at this point. It doesn't change anything in my mind, its just paperwork. I'm feeling clear of conscience with everything out in the open. She might feel like she had her reasons but she never brought them to me in the past or tried to get them resolved so I don't feel guilty. I recognize the mistakes for what they were and realize I need to be a better communicator. For now, it seems, things will start to be on a schedule where we aren't in contact so often and I think it will be much better opportunity for me to focus on me and stop worrying about her all the time. There has been a large wall up between us where she was keeping these secrets afraid that if I found out that I would file and cut her out of S life. That's not the case and she says she see's that now and will trust me as she is giving me custody without debate.

[owl777]

Seems like, at this time, you're really sure this is for the best and all looks good. Keep in mind, it's normal to not feel this way most of the time. Unfortunately, the emotions get in the way of what we know. Take care.

[Bunches]

Don't get me wrong. I don't think D is a solution to the problem. But my W has expressed on many occasions that I am just making things difficult, standing in the way of what she wants, and trying to fix something that she doesn't want. I think getting out of the way of D at this point can allow her to go on her journey instead of trying to keep her with me. I wouldn't think this was a good idea, but she keeps resenting me for trying to stay married.

[Barrybran]

Has she been to see a lawyer? At the end of the day, you don't have to agree to a divorce AND you can not stand in her way at the same time. Let her do the heavy lifting. If she wants it bad enough she'll have you served. Until then, it's just spew, right?

I'm not sure whether asking her more about that period of time where your father passed away is a good idea or not. It seems important that if the opportunity arises that you find out more about her feelings. Hopefully you'll already be addressing them and if not, there will be some new 180's for you. You can't undo that period and it was unbelievably tough on you and I understand why you would feel confused about what she felt given your feelings at the time. She's taken it to heart though and if you want her back, she'll need to know it won't happen again (time, patience, consistent actions... you know the drill).