I'm kind of baffled by your question. I guess I don't understand why you WOULDN'T let her know that you are aware of her affair. Did you read your wife's note to the OM carefully? She even tells him to "be a man" at one point. Do you think she'd say that a "man" would sit back and say nothing if he knew of his wife's affair?
You seem to think that "confrontation" means something more than being direct and honest. I believe in honesty. She should know that you know of the A, and that you won't tolerate it. Period. There is no "confrontation". It's just two people having a frank discussion about their relationship and their personal boundaries.
If your wife's affair has fizzled out, and she drags herself back to your home, reluctantly, what would you then discuss with her about her affair? How do you think she will react if you casually mention that you knew about it and sat back, passionlessly, and said nothing? My wife thanked me for fighting for her. Would yours?
It sounds to me like your wife is getting the brush off from the OM. Perfect time for you to let her know you won't tolerate an open marriage. She's running out of options. Be that strong "man" that she needs.
As did mine. Said she LOATHED me at the time for it, but even THEN, she respected it (and admitted it was attractive) . . . and then later as she came out of the withdrawal she really thanked me.
Your right HS. Its time I stopped letting my emotions crumple me into a crying kid in a corner and just be an adult about it. I've let this devestate me for too long and tried to treat her with loving kid gloves too often. Just ask for a truthful answer and ask, right. No need to get into how I know or how it makes me feel.
Okay, honestly though I have to ask then. What is it the other experts on the site are meaning then when they say confronting your S about their A doesn't help? I mean I obviously must have been reading that wrong or is it just a difference of how others approach it?
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Thank you Starsky. I've wanted to say something since I found out. At first I figured I needed to cool down cause I was pretty out of sorts about it and cold for a couple days I think. Been less than a week since I knew but I will feel easier without the secret anyways and able to proceed.
Saw a lawyer today and they cautioned me against my agreement to let W have S for the summer. She could take him and file afterwards muddying the water for who gets him. She had told me she would leave him living with me but I'm concerned she will change her mind. They suggest I file now to protect my S living with me. I don't trust my W, its true. Her life keeps changing and her decision are terrible at this time. Thoughts?
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Maybe they mean that you cannot control your spouses actions? Not sure. I do read a lot of wishy-washy advise on here. Advice that advocates sitting back and waiting for the world to change in your favor while you "improve yourself". I don't subscribe to that at all. I think you've got to take charge of your destiny- and that includes your M.
Both Starsky and I and others on here SAVED our marriages by being direct with our spouses and setting boundaries. You can't control your W, but you can control what YOU will accept in YOUR life. The funny thing is- standing up for what's right also makes you more attractive to your W....
Saw a lawyer today and they cautioned me against my agreement to let W have S for the summer. She could take him and file afterwards muddying the water for who gets him. She had told me she would leave him living with me but I'm concerned she will change her mind. They suggest I file now to protect my S living with me. I don't trust my W, its true. Her life keeps changing and her decision are terrible at this time. Thoughts?
I think if you trust yourself that you picked a good lawyer (I assume this is a good family law atty, preferably one who specializes in "men's right" and paternal custody issues?) then I would listen to your attorney.
Okay, honestly though I have to ask then. What is it the other experts on the site are meaning then when they say confronting your S about their A doesn't help? I mean I obviously must have been reading that wrong or is it just a difference of how others approach it?
Not trying to be snarky or anything, but right off the top, I'd ask those advocating such advice if they were successful in saving their marriages. I think that's a fair and important question.
Secondly, I think even I would say that "confrontation" (and I wouldn't even really characterize what I did as "confrontation") in and of itself doesn't do a damned thing, other than:
a) clearly communicate your core boundaries to your wayward spouse ("I will not live in an open marriage");
b) re-builds some attraction, esp. when articulated by a man but I've seen it work for both sexes, just due to the decisiveness of it;
c) Outs the deceit and secrecy of the affair, and kills some of its mystique and attraction.
But it didn't do ANYTHING to help my wife and I rebuild our marriage -- that hard work came later.
Somehow, "don't expose the affair!" has gotten morphed into some sort of silly game, whereby the betrayed spouse knows about the affair, the wayward spouse KNOWS that they probably know, but neither one of them say anything and she continues her infidelity and he wallows in despair, his wife slowly losing whatever attraction she still had for him. Or -- worse -- openly LYING to people who ask point-blank, to cover up and enable their wayward spouse's affair.
Read my story (as "Puppy Dog Tails") -- it's far from a story of "confrontation," and neither is HS's.
If you're just talking about confronting your S with the A, there's nothing wrong with that. It depends how far you're going to take it. Some people have gone off and exposed to not just family, but to friends and employers as well. If you're doing it for the sole purpose of shaming your spouse and getting revenge, the chances of you saving the M isn't very high.
It's not "wishy washy" advice as specified above. You do, in fact, have to "improve yourself", or else why would they even want to go back to you if the problems still exist?
Bottom line is that it is up to you. Everyone has a right to proceed as they see fit. It doesn't mean that those who don't expose are "weaker" than the ones who do. It's a personal choice.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I'll let HS respond for himself, but I don't think he's recommending anything other than working BOTH sides of the "strong stance" and "improve yourself" fence. I'm certainly not -- you have to do BOTH.
I just don't care for what I used to call the "Little Bo-Peep" approach: you know, "leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging their tails behind them." Um, no they probably won't.
"I just don't care for what I used to call the "Little Bo-Peep" approach: you know, "leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging their tails behind them." Um, no they probably won't."
Well I've seen that happen here and in real life just as I've seen the exposure work and not work. Every situation and the individuals involved are different and what works for one may not work for another.
Just my 2 cents.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
