Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 10 1 2 3 4 9 10
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 366
Likes: 3
B
Bunches Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 366
Likes: 3
I'm glad you are challenging me. Honestly, its great to have feedback. I feel like most days I log on here and journal on my newcomers threads and get nothing. It feels good to get feedback, so thank you.

I've scheduled meeting with atty this Thursday at 3 pm. Got scheduled out of work to make it happen. I'm honestly looking forward to it. Looking forward to moving too. The house we had for 7 years had a lot of problems and is just filled with memories that don't help every day. I'm thinking of spending some money when I first move in to replace some of the furniture too. I hate sleeping in our bed, something new would help. Its nice to have something to look forward to.


M: 43 W: 43
Married 6 yrs.
T: 7 yrs.
Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
I do understand. I'll try to stop by your thread more often, if that's OK, and catch up on your backstory.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 366
Likes: 3
B
Bunches Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 366
Likes: 3
Thanks Starsky! I'm majorly thick in the head and only seem to learn by doing the same stupid thing multiple times or being told I'm doing it wrong repeatedly. It feels great to feel like someone has an interest. You will probably see a lot of classic mistakes and poor focus in my older threads.


M: 43 W: 43
Married 6 yrs.
T: 7 yrs.
Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
That's okay, cuz I specialize in 2x4's. Or maybe 2x6's. smirk


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 366
Likes: 3
B
Bunches Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 366
Likes: 3
Starsky, I was just reading some of your history and had a question. You managed to make a big difference with confrontation. You don't think it would have had the same effect though if your W had already left and was pushing D do you? Of course, my W has decided she doesn't want to save the M and has already agreed to have my S live with me as long as she gets to see him often. I don't think confrontation could work for me.


M: 43 W: 43
Married 6 yrs.
T: 7 yrs.
Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
My wife said she was DONE with our marriage, and was openly threatening divorce when I filed. She in fact retained an attorney before I did (although I filed first).

I would describe my approach as a hybrid of what you're calling "confrontation" (and what I would characterize as a tough legal/financial/affair-busting stand) and the softer package of working on my issues (180s, "becoming the man only a fool would leave," self-improvements, etc.).

I do think it made a big difference that I did all of this almost IMMEDIATELY, however, once I discovered her affair.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
I feel than I often need 2x4, and should stf more. Although one of his complaints was I never talked when he thought I should and the rest of the time I let no one else speak.

I realise now it was more than likely down to ow, being in the picture.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 366
Likes: 3
B
Bunches Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 366
Likes: 3
I defintely think OM has been in the way but I think its still a symptom, not the problem. Of course, she can't look at it or won't look at it with OM around so until she gives that up and goes through the withdrawal from it I don't see the fog lifting and her noticing what she is giving up.


M: 43 W: 43
Married 6 yrs.
T: 7 yrs.
Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10

Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 366
Likes: 3
B
Bunches Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 366
Likes: 3
Question:
I see all the time on this site that confrontation doesn't help or it depends on the circumstances. My W has been marching for D since day 1. She moved into another relationship and might not even feel bad about doing it while still M because in her mind its Done! With this, can confronting her that I know even help me?

Regardless of whether she did or didn't quit the affair, it might make her feel like she can't be around me or she might just get pissed that I snooped enough to find out. Honestly though, since she hasn't backed down at all from D this whole time and now that I know about A I'm thinking I should file first. She can always change her mind but if she doesn't I don't know that making it all easy on her is healthy for me. She has been working on her own paperwork and pushing to get D started, but with the terms she is going to want she looses nothing but responsibility.


M: 43 W: 43
Married 6 yrs.
T: 7 yrs.
Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 221
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 221
Bunches,

I'm kind of baffled by your question. I guess I don't understand why you WOULDN'T let her know that you are aware of her affair. Did you read your wife's note to the OM carefully? She even tells him to "be a man" at one point. Do you think she'd say that a "man" would sit back and say nothing if he knew of his wife's affair?

You seem to think that "confrontation" means something more than being direct and honest. I believe in honesty. She should know that you know of the A, and that you won't tolerate it. Period. There is no "confrontation". It's just two people having a frank discussion about their relationship and their personal boundaries.

If your wife's affair has fizzled out, and she drags herself back to your home, reluctantly, what would you then discuss with her about her affair? How do you think she will react if you casually mention that you knew about it and sat back, passionlessly, and said nothing? My wife thanked me for fighting for her. Would yours?

It sounds to me like your wife is getting the brush off from the OM. Perfect time for you to let her know you won't tolerate an open marriage. She's running out of options. Be that strong "man" that she needs.

HS

Page 2 of 10 1 2 3 4 9 10

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard