I have been in total denial this whole time that my W left for another man. She told me once in the beginning and I believed her and here 6 months later I catch a glimpse of this email below. I don't know how to process. Funny thing is, my brother accused her of this 6 month ago with this guy and I chose to believe her over him. Feeling pretty stupid now.
"Hey, since you are avoiding and ignoring me anyway, I'm just gonna lay it all out there. I've tried everything I know to do to make things better with us, and I'm just at a loss. I've been going through our conversations that we've had through this relationship and I remember why I fell so hard for you, I just don't understand how things changed so much. You went from talking to me, caring for me, being sweet, and us just talking about anything; to barley even asking how my day is going. What did I do? I know you have [censored] going on, but to be honest, there's not anymore [censored] going on now that there was 6 months ago. Did you find somebody else? Did I just not measure up to your expectations and you don't want to let me go because you don't want to be lonely and want the opportunity to have sex when you want? These are the kind of questions that have been racing through my mind and I can't get you to confirm or deny any if this because you refuse to talk to me. If you don't want me anymore, be a man, and tell me; and if you do then show me. You clearly are not concerned with my feelings, so what do you have to lose besides a booty call? I've told you before, I don't expect to see you everyday or even every week and I'm not looking for a commitment or any labels of what we are or aren't, but I am looking for some attention. The kind you used to give me when you said you've always wanted me and you miss me when we don't see each other for a while, and that you think I'm an amazing person who deserves to be happy; the kind where you just talk to me about anything and everything going on with you. I want to remind you, as you are probably feeling pressured by me right now, that you were the one pushing this in the beginning. And then all of a sudden, something happened and you went running the other direction. I don't know what it was, but it was literally an overnight change. I don't mind waiting if things really will even out when all our crap is done and settled. The way you used to make me feel and the fun we used to have and what we shared is definitely worth the wait, but if something on your end has really changed I deserve to know and we both deserve to move on. I don't want this to end, but I don't want to feel like this anymore either. Just talk to me. Be honest with me like you promised me you would. If you do or ever really did love me, I should be worth that."
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Shoe is on the other foot now. She's getting a taste of her own medicine.
Quote:
And then all of a sudden, something happened and you went running the other direction. I don't know what it was, but it was literally an overnight change.
See, it does happen just like that. That should give us hope.
Don't beat yourself up. This is her doing, not yours. I know it's hard to take, but not really that surprising.
I'd look at it optimistically. She left for another man, and now he's gone, at least for now. If he stays away, then in a while she may start thinking totally differently about what she's left behind.
Thanks for the pep talk Zew. I think finding this info has finally given me what I needed to detach well and stop any pursuing. I don't feel like I can pursue her knowing this secret kept hidden. I honestly am still having a hard time believing it. But there is the proof in black and white. They do say the average affair dies after about 6 months right?
What do I do from here though? I'm afraid I'll come off as being cold, not wanting to let on that I know but not being able to talk to her like everything is normal. Also, I've kept off seeing a lawyer until now hoping that I wouldn't start a conflict. But now I'm thinking I should take what I have, prep with a lawyer to protect myself, and get them to look into this A. Suggestions?
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Also, I've kept off seeing a lawyer until now hoping that I wouldn't start a conflict. But now I'm thinking I should take what I have, prep with a lawyer to protect myself, and get them to look into this A. Suggestions?
Yes -- see a good family law attorney ASAP. This ^^^ was foolish.
Your wife left the marriage -- openly talking divorce -- last October, and has been acting secretively since February. It's long past the time you got a legal consultation to protect yourself, and find out what your rights and responsibilities are here, Bunches.
Okay, L found and appointment set for consultation on Thursday. Taking a half day out of work to get it done. Obviously just having found out today about PA, its been on my mind. Does anyone think it is wrong to file first if you feel like it will protect your rights to kids? Now that I thouroughly don't trust her, I don't know that I'm comfortable with her filing this summer after she has had S for a couple months. I also don't trust that she isn't trying to position things to get a good deal in her favor with CS and alimony. I really thought I knew her.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
I filed today and I did it only to protect myself and the kids $$ and get visitation schedule court ordered so there isn't any issues if we don't agree.
I am in the same situation where I thought I knew him then bam wtf?!
Listen to the advice here, it's hard but try.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Feeling really low today. Trying to focus at work and its hard. Now that I know about the PA I'm back to not eating or sleeping. Any time I slow down or close my eyes I think about OM and W again and it makes me sick. I keep having emotional swings between doing something vengeful or trying to understand her side of things. I don't know how I'm 'supposed' to react to this or how to understand it. I think I'm capable of forgiving it but not when she isn't even sorry. Hell, she hasn't even told me about OM and in the beginning when my brother told me this was happening I believed her when she said they were only friends. I even defended her to others saying it would never happen.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Look, this [censored] -- I get it. Hell, I LIVED it (and successfully rebuilt my marriage, too). Life has dealt you a great, big CHIT SANDWICH, and you've gotta deal with it.
Being stuck in denial is what GOT you here in the first place. It's time to kick yourself in the azz and come up with a gameplan for the rest of your life.
Starsky, my gameplan so far consists of the following: 1. Unloading my house and moving to a new home (June) 2. Taking some classes during the summer to GAL (Motorcycle / Cooking / Music) hoping to start some new exciting things in my life. 3. Son moves back in with me full time come August when school starts up and I've worked out a tentative schedule that will give me a great deal more space from W and be independant. 4. Come next March I should be finishing up with current job. Planning to save money between now and then to start something smaller requirements during that time and go back to school.
This is my life plan at the moment. Understanding that I don't expect W to be a part of any of it. Trying to be friendly but detach and be 'as if'.
Is this what you mean?
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Yes, it is, and those all sound excellent! I'm sorry, I didn't realize you had all of those plans in place as I haven't really followed your sitch.
Please do follow thru on the L thing and find out what your rights are, Bunches -- the information you get will also be very empowering, and make you feel better since "fear of the unknown" is always the worst. Make sure you ask your atty what are the "do's" and "don't's" you should be mindful of right now.
