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Originally Posted By: Wonka
Train,

When you see H, be sure to have on one of your prettier Spring/Summer dresses and nice pair of shoes/sandals. Give him a taste of what he's missing! Then walk away without a backward glance. That'll give him something to think about.


Yep! Preferably something with about 1" more heel than he's accustomed to seeing on you! cool


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Hahahahaha! I'm already 5'9". I never wear heels. It always made me taller than H, and he hated that. All the more reason to wear 'em Saturday. grin


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Oct 2010
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Sa-weeet.

A little mystique never hurt the ol' DBing. In fact, creating it is PART of DBing.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Omg, y'all! I'd break my neck on 5"!!! Hahaha!!


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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Another tip...

tell all the people telling you stuff about H that you don't need to know

you don't need to know that he is seeing her or that she is getting kicked out...

all that does is give you stress...

you know all the info you need to know right now...

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Yes, fig! That crap sends me in a downward spiral soooo fast ... and I really don't WANT to know! Ignorance, at this point in this case, truly is bliss.

I'm reading "Boundaries" by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I'm guessing a lot of my relationships will change as a result of this period in my life. And I'll learn to be a bit more stern and straight-forward in expressing my boundaries without fear that I'll hurt others' feelings.

A good start would be to tell ANYONE I know that I don't want to hear about "sightings" or "developments" in H's relationship with OW. I need to assume people will be seeing them together. And they'll want to break their necks telling me about it.

So many people mistake my non-willingness to talk about my feelings as "strength." They think I'm "over" H. So they run to me to tell me anything, completely unaware of what it does to my heart to hear it.

I'm learning so many valuable lessons about the friend I will be to anyone I know who may eventually find themselves in these shoes.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Oct 2009
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oh don't give them that much credit.

many more people that we would like to imagine ENJOY telling us things about our lives that are less than perfect.

they enjoy the reaction and they keep prodding until they get one.

I have people that still will try to tell me something my ex is doing....I have been divorced for almost 8 years....I don't care what he is doing and in fact, don't think about him really until they bring him up. He is not the father of my children so I don't have to think about him.

it's like they want to see a big reaction

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Well, yeah. Good points. But the people telling *me* are my friends! Lol.

Just random things like: "Omg! Just drove by the grocery store, and that POS is there!!"

Sometimes I think they just don't think about it. crazy


M: 40 H: 44
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2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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Good luck today!

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Thank you so much for thinking of me, HS!

I haven't had a moment to sit down to journal, so this is going to be long. I'm going to need some immediate guidance, so please stick with me here. I'm seeing indications that H MIGHT be thinking of reconciling *eventually*. It could also be lip-service, but I don't think so. So, yeah, hang tight ...

First, I had a marvelous time with my kids at the beach. It was beyond perfect. It was so perfect that when I left yesterday, I cried. And I cried the whole ride home. And I cried when I got home. And I cried pretty much until I fell asleep. I do not want to be here anymore. Not in this house, not in this town.

Am I running away? Maybe. But I won't stay here and allow my nose to be rubbed in an affair. At first, I thought: This is MY town. They're not going to intimidate me! But now? They can have this town. And each other. And that's precisely what I told my H yesterday.

But let me backtrack a little to Saturday:

H came to the beach early that morning. He texted several times on his way ... pretty flirty stuff, which I sort of anticipated only because that's how he gets on trips to the beach. He stopped and got me Krispy Kreme "hot now" donuts - the way to my heart (ha) - and texted saying, "You pick a restaurant for tonight; I'm buying." I told him that wasn't necessary. He asked if I'd had seafood yet. I told him I had; my sister had taken me out the previous Saturday. And H - who doesn't eat seafood - said, "Well then you're due. Pick a place. I'm not leaving until I've taken you. It's tradition."

We spent the entire day on the beach. H played with the little kids; we took turns watching D2 since I get really nervous with the kids around water. D17 was able to relax and read a book. H would play with the kids then come sit/stand by me. I had packed a big cooler of water, beer, juice and snacks. So we were drinking and mingling with people and playing and having a marvelous time. And later in the afternoon - after a few beers each (lol) - H and I started talking a little. Still didn't talk about our relationship. But we talked about relationships in general. I talked a little about some things I've learned since he's been gone - namely, about the needs of men and women. He laughed and said: "I expect they're completely opposite." And I said, yeah, they pretty much are. But if used correctly, they actually complement one another. But we had a fun conversation about it. We also talked a little about how we put the kids before our relationship. He said he thought that was the right thing to do. I told him I had thought so, too. But in trying to be so protective of them, look what we've done: their family is broken. So what good did it do us - or them? We should have remembered that they are *products* of our relationship. The relationship came first. And it should have stayed that way; keeping our relationship front-and-center would have been the best possible thing we could have provided our children.

We looked around and noticed all the families on the beach and both shared in confusion about how we never had money to take a family vacation. I was like: "Ya know, you work TWO jobs, and we still never took a vacation. How does someone make enough money to work one job and also take their family on a vacation?" He talked about how even now, when he has few responsibilities except for paying support, he's still working two jobs. And he indicated he's not happy. I told him I was also unhappy that he had told me, since we met, that he receives no vacation time. He has used that as an excuse. I said: "Your pay stubs show how many days of vacation you have, and you have never used them." He conceded to that. He has a tendency to be a work-a-holic.

I asked him how he felt about me dating once the separation order is finalized. He said he would be fine with it, suggesting that because of what *he* has done, he couldn't say anything about it anyway. He asked if I had anyone in mind. I told him no. He asked if I'd been asked out. I told him a couple men had mentioned they'd like to take me out, but that I had explained I didn't feel comfortable with it until I was at least legally separated and had talked to H about his feelings on it. Seems silly I'd ask a cheater if he minds if I date. But it's more for me, and who I want to be morally, than for him. He said he imagined any man who asked me out wouldn't understand my reasoning for waiting until the S is final. He said, "I bet they're saying: 'Why? Your H has treated you like a POS!"

It was a comfortable, relaxed conversation. I wasn't melting back in love with him by any stretch of the imagination. But I really enjoyed talking with him; it's something we haven't done in such a long time.

Once inside, however, he said something about us having sex and (referring, I suppose, to the conversation about the needs of men and women) added: "But remember, I'm a man. And that's all it would be."

And I. blew. a. freaking. gasket. Eyes wide open, I said: "Did you *seriously* just disrespect me like that? I have NEVER had a man tell me, to my face, that all he wanted was a piece of a$s!!" I walked out. He immediately followed me and apologized. But it changed my demeanor in a BIG way, and he took notice.

I *almost* changed my mind about dinner. Maybe I should have. But D17 was excited about the night out. I had already drank too much on the beach to be driving, so I made the call to go ahead and get dolled up and let H take us out. H mentioned to S7, several times, that he has a "hot mom." H was definitely digging the cute outfit and shoes! laugh

He took us to a nice place, where D17 and I shared HUGE crab legs caught by the guys on Deadliest Catch; that was pretty awesome! We were all wanting to go hit the hot tub after dinner, but I was exhausted and had to start packing and cleaning. Much to D17's dismay, we all ended up crashing almost as soon as we were back at the condo.

The next morning, I awoke bright and early to finish packing and clean all the linens and towels. H and S7 slept in.

It occurred to me that I hadn't seen H with his phone all day on Saturday. But I heard him go in the bathroom Sunday morning, and I had a good feeling he was on his phone. I thought: Okay. He's in the bathroom and not in front of us. But he IS around us. And I just so happened to have clean towels to take into the bathroom. So, yeah, I busted right up in there (yes, with him sitting right there on the freaking toilet), and sure enough, he was on his phone. And I said: "I hope you're not communicating with your girlfriend." He said, "No. My dad just called. Listen!" And he played the voicemail. I walked out, shutting the door behind me. I shut D2 in there with him (poor thing) just so he'd be too on edge to be texting OW. Lol.

H then helped D17 pack the car.

I fully expected the distancing to begin - you know, "the day after" a nice, relaxing vacation day. So I put on my game face. I shed a couple tears leaving, which caught H off-guard because I don't cry often. He asked what was wrong. I told him I really didn't want to leave and go back home to have to deal with all his sh!t again. He looked a little sad FOR me and gave me a one-armed hug at the car.

He planned a side trip for him and the little kids, so he took them, and D17 rode home with me.

I was surprised to receive a couple pleasant texts from H while he was with the kids. He brought them home an hour or so after D17 and I returned home, and he hung around while D2 finished her nap in his car (... doors open with us sitting right beside her). wink H, S7 and I were sitting at the patio table, talking about the house. I started sharing with H some of my potential plans, all of which include abandoning the house. S7 started crying, saying we have so many memories at this house. I was STILL crying here and there from leaving the beach, so I just kept my sunglasses on and let the tears keep falling. H was bent down, tying his shoes, for, like, 5 minutes. So I'm thinking he was probably getting a little teary-eyed, too. But I told S7 that his daddy and I BOTH have childhood homes with lots of memories. Just because we leave them doesn't mean we leave our memories. And I planned a field-trip for us today to my childhood homes to show him.

S7's birthday is coming up in just over a week, and H asked him if we're having a party. S7 said, "No. Momma can't afford a party this year." (Thank God my sunglasses were still on, even though the sun was hardly present in the sky at that point.) H said, "Buddy, you and Momma plan a party with your friends, and I'll get it covered."

Long, complicated story, but: H and I were talking about D16&17s school district and how I can maneuver keeping their address here through next June, when D16 will graduate, even if I move (because now I'm convinced I want to). H said I could use his address, which is inside the district, as long as he's living there. We talked about how much rent he's paying. He indicated - after I told him I planned to move away - he wasn't fully happy with where he's going to be. I told him I might stay with my sister at least over summer, if he wouldn't mind me taking the kids across the state line (she lives in SC, but it's only 45 minutes from where we live in NC). He told me, after talking to his L, that I should sit tight and wait to see how much financial support I'm going to get; it's sounding like his attorney is telling him it's likely more than he's providing now AND he'll likely have to continue paying my health insurance. But I told him I'm ready to leave here, even if that means keeping all my possessions in a storage unit. I told him D17 has said she would go to community college in SC instead of here, so she's on board to move, too. But I think it would be a more permanent move for her. For me? I'd look at it as temporary, even though I'd need to close my NC homeschool and open one in SC, which will be a pain. But I don't know where I'll eventually end up. I'll decide while I'm there this summer, if all goes as planned.

H offered to watch the kids while I showered. I took him up on that. By the time I came downstairs, D17 had asked H to go get her something to eat. So he went out to get dinner and milkshakes for everyone. When he got back home, he hung out for another 30 minutes or so, then said he needed to leave.

Remembering I had not thanked him for dinner, I shot him a text that said: "Thanks for dinner the past couple nights. Please don't mistake my weepy-ness for anything that's happened. I just really don't want to be here anymore. This week sealed the deal."
Him: "But now I'm afraid you'll take the babies far enough away that it will not make it convenient for me. Guess I deserve it though."
Me: "I wouldn't stay close for convenience for you, no. But I wouldn't move so far away to spite you, either."
Him: "On the other hand, I think it's awesome. I just wish we could've made that move a long time ago."
Before I saw THAT text, I wrote: "But I definitely don't plan to stay here. Don't give a sh!t about hearing of your car at OW's grocery store anymore. Don't want to hear from my high school friends anymore, asking why their employee is saying, yeah, she's f***ing my husband but he 'didn't want to have anything more to do with me anyway' ... Frankly, at first, I thought: f*** them. This is my town. But now? You can have this town. And you can have her. And she can have you."
Then, in response to his other text about wishing we could have made the move a long time ago, I responded: "I wish we could have, too. I just can't stay here anymore considering the circumstances."
Him: "D*mn, wow, obviously I'm going through that same kinda sh!t too. But he!l. If I knew you were wanting to move away, I'd prolly go back to PA or something. I mean, if lawyers say I get kids every other weekend, then what's the difference if I drive 20 minutes or 8 hours?"
"Wait. that don't make sense."
"Scratch that."
"F*** I don't know."
"I really don't plan to be tied down here to stay here, whether by a job or any girlfriend. I know what I've done is so f***ed, so I'm trying everything to AT LEAST keep the babies interested in their daddy, and not to lose hope. I think that me and D17 had a good couple days. But he!l, she'll be on her own soon."
We went back and forth a bit about him moving out of state ... and how he can't take the kids out of state. He wrote: "Yeah. You're right. I'll have to stay in NC ... Blahhh."
Then, I wrote, "I've realized this past week, though, that the world is my oyster. Won't take the kids too far away from you, I assure you. Their needs are my topmost priority. But I don't want to live here anymore."
Him: "Well since I've been gone from the house, I realized that also. And I think I've told you that I thought about coming back for them. I, too, don't really want to live here anymore."
Me: "What you told me is that if you came back, it would be 'out of convenience, like in 2005.' I think you're an amazing dad. I know you KNOW how amazing of a dad I think you are. But I'm also an amazing woman and mom. I've learned that recently, too. And I'm not a 'Plan B.' I have room for improvement in the 'wife' department - no doubt about it - but I deserve more than what you've given me - TWICE. I don't want a marriage based on convenience."
Him: "You're right. I wouldn't come back for 'convenience.' We'd prolly 'date,' I'd go to counseling, and then we'd get remarried in Vegas!!!! Lol."
Me: "I'd love to date you. I've told you that from the beginning. I've also told you that we don't need to live together to do that. In fact, I wouldn't WANT to. But you need to end your affair first."
Him: "I know all that."
Me: "Good. Then I'll never have to say it again."
"And, oh, counseling would be a must."
" ... and Las Vegas, too."
Him: "Lol"
And I told him good night.

This morning, he started texting about places we've mentioned living together to ask if I had looked into them. I told him no. I can't plan for anything until I know what I can afford. I re-emphasized my plan to stay temporarily in SC, but I got into more detail with him about it.

At lunchtime, he called and said he needed to stop by the house to drop off oil for D16's car. He said: "But I can't stay long; I have to go sign my lease. I'm only signing a 6-month one though. Sounds to me like after that, I'll need to make plans to move to (insert name of town I'm thinking of moving to in SC here)."

I was caught completely off-guard. I just chuckled and said: "Funny guy."

He dropped the oil off, smiled a lot at the kids, and left.

So is THAT an update or what?!?

I'm not planning to do ANYTHING right now. Just sit tight and keep trucking. I'm trying not to over-think or project or worry. I know what I'll have to say if he eventually asks what it would take to work on our M:

1. A NC-letter, approved by me, to OW,
2. A full transparency plan,
3. A psychological evaluation and then IC and MC

Maybe I'm jumping the gun to even be thinking that far in advance???

He changes his mind ALL the time.

Input, please?


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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