She moved home but still in love with OM!

[artsy]

Tell her no thanks. If you go out to eat for Father's Day, your children should be there, too, or no thanks. Start setting some boundaries.

[Oxford1]

Tell her no thanks. If you go out to eat for Father's Day, your children should be there, too, or no thanks. Start setting some boundaries.

Did you see the 28th Anniversary invite!!?? oh boy am I being manipulated?

[MrBond]

You're not being manipulated because you haven't accepted anything she's said. Just tell her that as long as she has a man on the side, you will not be celebrating the anniversary of your marriage. Then celebrate Father's Day with your sons.

[claire7]

^^^ and say it in a matter of fact, non-angry way. Don't let her get such a rise out of you.

[Oxford1]

So if my WAW invites me to sit in bed with her and get work done on our laptops or watch TV what should I do?
I agree last time it became attack mode and we argued, it felt horrible to me for days. I used to get a weird rise out of it but this time it was awful..

So this time we worked, I feel asleep, she woke me up eventually because it was time to call Mr. needy her OM.

I just don't know if this is right. I know some experts say go dark...that's not going to work...

She even asked me to rub her feet which I used to so every night...

The confusion comes from her needing me but not wanting me...I think....

[HollyAnn]

"Emotional abuse comes in many forms:"

Still hung up on this huh? Moving forward how about explaining how you SAVED your marriage? I mean this is a marriage saving website.

You're the one who is "hung up." I am entitled to disagree re: what emotional abuse is. Jesus, could you be any more patronizing?

And, I already told you how I did it. I detached, went dark, removed myself from his life and left him alone to do whatever he would do. I didn't cry, beg, grovel, etc. I didn't ask any pathetic questions such as, "why?' or "who is she?" or anything like that. The only communication we had was for financial or legal issues.

I accepted that our M was over, took a new job and moved more than 100 miles away, not telling him where. And he did try to find out.

In other words, since he didn't want me anymore, I made sure he couldn't have me on any level. This made him think about us and it made him miss me. He lost interest in his ow and split from her 18 months after their wedding. He told me I was so different from her, so he found out on his own the grass was far from greener. He said that he felt such shame and sorrow, and massive guilt for all the pain he caused.

I can't stress enough how important it is to just leave them alone with their decision. Getting in their face with a million questions is not at all helpful. It just irritates them and delays, or kills, any chance of recovery.

I was determined not to backslide and I didn't.

[Oxford1]

[quote=MrBond]"Emotional abuse comes in many forms:"

I accepted that our M was over, took a new job and moved more than 100 miles away, not telling him where. And he did try to find out.

I can't leave because of my son and job. She moved back in after having run away. It's very hard when she's the one following me around the house.

In other words, since he didn't want me anymore, I made sure he couldn't have me on any level. This made him think about us and it made him miss me. He lost interest in his ow and split from her 18 months after their wedding. He told me I was so different from her, so he found out on his own the grass was far from greener. He said that he felt such shame and sorrow, and massive guilt for all the pain he caused.
what I have noticed and heard by accident is that she is trying to turn him into me. She is actually the controlling one threatening me to leave me, and him that she will leave him.

I can't stress enough how important it is to just leave them alone with their decision. Getting in their face with a million questions is not at all helpful. It just irritates them and delays, or kills, any chance of recovery.
The one thing I refuse to do is beg her. I did send her a text last night while she was on her cell with OM. She replied that she will always be there for me etc. My text was just me saying goodnight. One comment she made is for me to not be sad. I responded with a kind supportive text but told her I was not sad.
I was determined not to backslide and I didn't.

I felt that I back-slided with the text .

So what I am trying to develop is a strategy to not backslide, not support her affair, but also to not loose what emotional,ties we still have.

[Oxford1]

The 180 that I sometimes have problems with is the don't say I love you.

I am not violating that 180, but she will slip in an I LOVE YOU. 3 out of 4 times it seems to be spontaneous, but then I wonder if it's just habit.

The other day I pointed at her and smiled when she did it after we spent some time together, since then she has not said it.

Is it wrong to,say I love you too?

[gogofo]

So what I am trying to develop is a strategy to not backslide, not support her affair, but also to not loose what emotional,ties we still have.

A great place to start is with Sandi's rules. Follow these and you will be well on your way. Someone has done the work of developing a great plan for you, you just need to implement it.

[MrBond]

"You're the one who is "hung up." I am entitled to disagree re: what emotional abuse is. Jesus, could you be any more patronizing?"

That was rude. We had moved on from the emotional abuse issue, but you were the one who posted the definition afterwards. So no, I was not patronizing.We are all here to save marriages (I believe) and not attack one another.

"And, I already told you how I did it."

Quite impatient. I wasn't the only one who asked.

Maybe I'm missing something here, but you mentioned that he married someone else. Are you married to your husband?