yes I can see it sounds too controlling.. No he hasn't moved his stuff..His apartment was all ready functioning when he decided that it was his home so there is a tonne of stuff here..that belongs to him..
He leaves his clothes here, pajamas under his pillow, house shoes on the step.... I like the asking.. I am used to taking control.. that is why I asked for help
I have a specific question from a members psot but it is about my situation and not one for the thread the comment was made it... does that make sense??
I wanted to ask Sandi2 about question about conflict avoidance... I was interested in her thought.. How do i do that???
Loualea
Probably best to post this on your own thread and not someone elses.
Conflict Avoidance is very common in LBS's I am sure that most of us are guilty of this, probably something to work on in the future if you are to ever have a relationship again.
Originally Posted By: psychology today, Liane Davey, Ph.D.
Tips for the Conflict Avoidant
If you really struggle to embrace conflict, try these quick tips.
Express your contrary opinion as an “and.” It’s not necessary for someone else to be wrong for you to be right. “I hear that you think we need to leave room in the budget for a customer event AND I’m concerned that we need that money for employee training. What are our options?” More on my "Two Truths" method here. Use hypotheticals. If you don’t feel comfortable being assertive, try asking your teammates to imagine a different scenario. “I hear your concern about getting the right sales people to pull off this campaign. If we could get the right people…what could the campaign look like? Talk about the impact of actions. Rather than disagreeing with the plan, help your teammates think through the consequences by asking good open-ended questions about the impact. “Ok, we’re contemplating launching this product to only our U.S. customers. How is that going to land with our two big customers in Latin America?” Ask about the underlying issue. If you disagree with a proposed action, start with discussion by trying to understand the rationale. If you understand the reason for the action, you might be able to find another way to accomplish the same goal. “I’m surprised you suggested we release the sales figures to the whole team. What is your goal in doing that?”
Thanks Cadet I knew it was the wrong place.. We were and are confict avoiders. Seems quite unhealthy to me and leads to lots of problems.. He is stil, avoiding lots of issues.. doesnt even want to say out loud we are separated I see it is a problem but that is first of all me and also the conversation is going to end up being a relationship one..which it really is not the right time for
I would feel like I knew what was going on if he raised the issues that are obviously bothering him..lots of mind reading happening on my end which is not useful..I could maybe do something right if I knew what the issue was.. Or at least know what I am deciding not to do.. But again all about what I want..
Is there anyway to address this issue..without being a control freak...
Lou - if you (or my W) said you are open to listening and will not criticize or control, then perhaps your H would open up a bit. I think you have to just listen, validate, not discuss. He has feelings too, and they need to be said and expressed, without any pushback from you.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
I agree and it is an ugly way to relate.. I am working that for me..trying really hard..
as to expressing feelings well he did not.. Not until it became anger and then I am really bad with anger..it makes me scared and uncomfortable and I try to fix it.. which then comes across as controlling. I will stop discussions that become contentious because I had a lot of trouble dealing with the anger..
he will admit.. "maybe I did not tell you, or maybe I did not say"..some of the issues I can not remember and do know if he had said.. in a calm and reasoned way.. this is a problem for me, it makes me really unhappy, can we do something else.. then I would have done it.. half the issue was he never said..I was supposed to guess..I did not validate because he did not express any emotion....
Now I am going back and thinking well was the one eye browed raised for a moment a sign of a big problem??? or because he was quiet he was unhappy..
If I asked he said it was fine.. I made plans, holidays etc.. I would ask clearly is this OK? he would say yes.. I can see now I took over, I thought he was OK with that, He was busy. I thought organising was helping.. it wasn't it was adding pressure.. but how was I supposed to guess that???
If he had been clear..then I would have stopped.. I do not HAVE to have my own way.. My life is much calmer if someone else is taking charge.. I am happy to follow- really but when there is NO plan.. I find that hard to manage and I try to fill the gap.. and he let me.. I know now it was wrong.. but how to repair..
so how do I do that Luke. How do I listen when he does not talk..
Say I would like to hear how things are for you? that is R talk maybe..
How are you feeling? Fine.. end of talk..
This is a stressful time..trying to validate answer Of course it is what do you think!
This is the man who sat opposite me as I tried to manage hysterical sobs.. not so successfully. I asked him how he thought I felt . he answered "Not well" I asked what he would say I German . maybe it is a translation thing.. no Not well did it he thought.
I will own my part.. but he sure did not help..
I think your situation is different..or is it.. Did you keep it inside.. For the people on the other side that sure does not help us to try and reach you.. I felt so clueless sometimes..
hope this isn't a rant.. This topic has been on my mind today..How could I have been different when i didn't know that the way I was did not work..
We can all only do the best we can..I was doing that.. it just wasn't good enough..and I didn't know until, like a driver on an unfinished Italian autobahn, you don't know until you drive off the edge..
Sorry to have been offline - have not been too happy recently -
When he is with you, could you maybe cook together? He makes one dish, you another? How about trying something new food-wise, where you both cook?
Or watch TV together? Or Deutschlandfunk or BBC?
Fill the void between you with something - tell him about your day, without focusing on your feelings... do you have GAL activities? I've found that very helpful, both for something you to do and for material to tell about.
I have problems with anger too, but understand that it is a feeling in the other person, and it does not have to reach you. And anger is good somewhere - it eases the feelings of the other person - and is giving you information - angry about what? You may find it useful to write down the words (and report them here, if you like).
Not sure how to help -
I am off to the US in two days - and will be online sporadically from there.
Yes, I keep a lot inside, but share with friends too (though I really do not want to burden or impose on them). I am practiced at being alone and hiding feelings -
Do you have others to share feelings with? it is very helpful -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Hi Like I was worried about you.. good to have you back.. Is there anything I can do to help
You sound not happy.. you live in a tough situation and even if everything was perfect a 16 year old can be tricky..
I agree next time he is here we need to do something together.. We used to like cooking.. good tip
So what goes on inside your head when it is not right but you don't say.. or is that too difficult to talk about.. How can someone who wants to help you actually create the environment where you can be helped.. One problem is here i don't have people to share with.. work colleagues.. Not a good choice.. Family nope and his sister has absolutely cut me out..
Friends-- all work colleagues.. sad circumstances..
enjoy the US..
I would be interested in what would have made it easier for you to talk longer silences? more validation--I know my problem was when a sad though was expressed I quickly tried to fix it.. not useful. and I talk too much..
Sometimes I think happiness is one's attitude, for example, though my w and d16 left unexpectedly yesterday, I had a friend call and we went running/riding together, and then I saw Die andere Heimat last night, something I'd been wanting to do.
My employer pays us to be healthy, and we can get bonus points for certain activities. I think that this month I will try the "keep a daily gratitude journal", as I understand it is good to do so.
(I should also tell you that my W used to call me Louis or Lou, way back, in her tender, loving, days. I have always liked the name).
You need to let your feelings out. When I went to EE I really did, surrounded by people who listened and cared and supported me. I can remember stabbing my notebook (everyone gets one) with my pen, I was so angry, so hurt, so trespassed upon. If you can go to there or to a similar place, I would highly recommend it.
I also learned the value of a journal, a receptacle for my pain, always waiting.
Write, draw, paint, learn boxing, do yoga, get outside.
Gentleness and not attacking and giving, though not to excess (I am glad when my W brings me a cup of tea, for example, though even that has been a while), would help. My W is quick to anger, quick to attack, judgmental, all of which turn me off fast. I want respect and not scorn or rejection. Look at yourself - are you any of these? What did your H love about you when you first met? Have you lost adventure and novelty?
Does your husband like to walk? Spaziergaenge can be quite good at healing...
Read your husband a book - W and I read Watership Down to each other, a long time ago, wonderful.
Take care - I will be online sporadically for this month - Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Sometimes my GAL stuff feels like I am avoiding the pain, filling the void, but even if it is this, I think it is important to still do it. Invite your husband, and if he doesn't want to go, go anyway.
I think you will feel better for it.
It is important to not over do this, so making it look like you are avoiding him, but why not have fun sometimes, and maybe even with your husband?
How about running with someone? Even if it is just small talk, you are still with people and talking, and maybe you will get faster -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
I journal,oh do I journal..and I do not see him so much.. maybe once every 3 or 4 weeks.so not many chances to interact tnough he does call so etimes duri g the week When he is here he seems to work at not having fun... it is a chore to be here. He won't walk with me, we used to walk all the time.. I wonder if being so clingy and needy and controlling in the beginning made things worse. I wonder so many things.. I am a fixer.. if you are sad I try to make you better even if you might just want to be sad..I am not mean..I am a perfectionist but have kept that under control. I thought my H could do no wrong.. really... smart, moral, sensitive, kind, thoughtful..actually I still do..hard to accept he is doing what he is doing.. I was such a fan..sickening..I think what he liked was that I just about worshipped him,I never questioned.. he was always right. One comment last year I made about his choice of new job really upset him..prbably the only criticism I made of him in 14 years... truly I loved him totally. I have not validated though.. tried to fix..not validate. I run with local verein...best thing I ever did.German has improved fitness has improved.. Gratitude journal sounds like it is something I could do..and as my tulips bloomed this year I thought of your secret ones.. made me smile.. Seeing H Saturday.. had to really beg for help with negotiating for a kitchen.. you know how German places never have kitchens and I don't know anyone else.and to say 2 days before he doesn't feel like it..so I get a few hours..scraps.. just scraps Thanks for the positive thoughts Luke.. What was that movie about ?is it a clasic? Loua
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