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#2447976 04/24/14 04:07 PM
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gogofo Offline OP
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Previous thread locked, here is the link back to it
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2447729#Post2447729

Yesterday afternoon I picked up kids from school in order to help the W out. She had some scheduling changes and needed to work later than her sitter would be able to do.

Had a great time with the kids and put them to sleep at her house so she could sleep in later and get more rest in the morning. I did get a compliment from her because the night before the kids went to sleep with quite a bit of fussing and we had to go back into their room two or three times each. I showed her that their bedroom door was closed and the bathroom fan was on to cover the noises in the house. These are two things that when she tries to do them they get really upset and will throw a tantrum if she tries them. She asked me "what are you the toddler whisperer?" I just replied, "I'm trying to be" and smiled.

I was offered a glass of wine and was ready for it as the final work on the project I have been working on for 3 years, which took so much from my life, had been completed.

We again engaged in small talk about our work and family members and whatever else we had not shared in the past 4 months.

During the consumption of a bottle and a half of wine the talk came back around to us. Same things about she does not trust me, she is hurt still, she was extremely hurt by our relationship at the end, and she wants to know what will be different. She wants to know what I have to offer that will not be what we had before.

I offered to her how I felt different, I am better educated about our possible problems and possible solutions, and the main thing was that I love myself now. I told her that I cannot offer her specifics on what exactly would be different because we are not really in an active relationship now. I asked her what specifics she wanted to know and she did not have an answer. She seems to be searching for changes but does not yet know what she is looking for. She did say that she has been enjoying our talks and evenings together.

We both were getting more emotional, obviously after the wine, and I just flat out stripped everything away and exposed my heart to her and that I love her, first time since BD. I felt I needed to tell her that and felt that we were in a situation of emotional exposure to where it would not have felt pressuring to her. Right, wrong, didn’t care at the time nor do I now. I didn’t do it to try to win her back or get a response from her; I just wanted to expose how I felt deep down inside.

After all the wine I was not in any condition to drive home, which we both knew would happen before the second bottle was opened. As she said, if we have another bottle you will have to stay here because you should not be driving. So the evening ended with us in the same bed for the first time in 4 months. Nothing physical or anything like that besides I think at one point I had my arm over her waist.

Our interaction and talks seem to be increasing, whether by coincidence or not. I still need to do more work and prove that I am worth trusting by examining what may have caused her to lose trust in me.

I know part of it is that my changes or adjustments in the relationship before slipped away. I took her for granted. When she exposed her feelings and fears to me I was in a bad place personally and just threw it back in her face. This was another reason why I decided to strip away all of the protection I built up and exposed myself to her, something I did not do enough of previously.

She basically gave us all she had and when all of her giving was gone she exposed and she exposed her emotions and fears to me, I took a metaphorical sh!t on her.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
gogofo #2448005 04/24/14 05:36 PM
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You got some good information and I don't think you ruined anything by exposing your heart but be careful with the drinking and sharing, it can backfire in a big way.

You're working on becoming the authentic you and we are never our authentic self under the influence.

Not a 2x4, just a caution.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2448039 04/24/14 07:20 PM
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This I understand, I was kind of surprised out talk went to the R last night. We were both capping off having good days with some wine and then the next thing we knew was we were enjoying another bottle.

It probably was inevitable we would talk about us after loosening up a bit and letting the wine removing some of our fears.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
gogofo #2448041 04/24/14 07:32 PM
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GoFo,

Now would be a good time to make yourself scarce to W. Make her miss you and think about the good times you just had together.

Go dim now....can you do this?

Wonka #2448048 04/24/14 08:07 PM
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gogofo Offline OP
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I can go dim for a couple of days. I get the kids today and will have them at least through Sunday afternoon.

W will be a fundraiser for SIL tonight where there will be music and dancing. Hopefully she will miss me tonight. On BD she said the only thing that got better in our M was my dancing. HA!


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
gogofo #2448206 04/25/14 03:02 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
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gogofo Offline OP
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All of yesterday was dim. Only contact were text messages confirming picking up kids at school and if she had filled out renewal forms for school.

She did not text back in the evening asking how kids were.

Today I will keep with the dimming and keep the text messages business like.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
gogofo #2448208 04/25/14 03:08 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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Good to hear, GoFo. Keep walking on this dimming path. You got this! smile What are your GAL plans for this weekend?

Wonka #2448217 04/25/14 03:34 PM
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Just live your life. If she wants to be around you, she'll let you know.

Please, no Going Dim clock running.

(just a question, when do talks between intimate partners with 1.5 bottles of wine never go to the R? I didn't just fall off the tomato truck! :-D )


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2448229 04/25/14 04:18 PM
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gogofo Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Wonka
Good to hear, GoFo. Keep walking on this dimming path. You got this! smile What are your GAL plans for this weekend?

Yard work with the kids and probably also taking them over to visit their Great Grandparents. They, and I, are lucky that I have only lost 1 grandpa, they still have 3 great grandparents on my side. They are getting up there in age, but still in pretty good health. I hope they are around long enough for the kids to have a memory or two of them.

My grandparents have been such an inspiration to me when talking with them during this situation. Last time they sat on separate couches and reached across the gap to hold hands. They have 65 plus years of marriage.

Originally Posted By: labug
Please, no Going Dim clock running.

Okay, no counting.

Originally Posted By: labug
(just a question, when do talks between intimate partners with 1.5 bottles of wine never go to the R? I didn't just fall off the tomato truck! :-D )

I guess maybe if you don't like each other. wink
I think we both knew where the conversation was eventually going to go, but were enjoying each other's company and the 337 and chocolate was quite good.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
gogofo #2448542 04/27/14 04:15 AM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 594
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gogofo Offline OP
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Had a full day with the kids today but found it kind of difficult to maintain being dim tonight.

I have been impatient and a little snippy all day, probably because I didn't get much sleep last night.

I dinner tonight when sitting with the kids it took a lot of mental blocks to not think about the W. I was tired, emotional, and wanted nothing more than to be held by her and cry. I hate having these thoughts, makes the reality of the situation sting a little more.

After dinner I took kids to visit my grandparents. They had fun and my grandparents really enjoyed it. When I was there the W sent a text asking how the kids were, etc. I replied good and that we were at my grandparents visiting. I know I told her about the visit just to hurt her feelings or at least make her jealous. She really loves my grandparents and always wished we visited them more so I told her just to rub her nose in it a little. I even hesitated before sending the text message, but felt compelled because I was feeling hurt tonight. Don't know if it was a bad move or not.

I really wanted to make up the excuse that the kids were asking about her and invite her out for ice cream when I left my grandparents house. Took some will power and focus on remaining dim to stop myself from doing it.

I hope this staying dim these last couple of days is the correct move; it is harder than I anticipated. I think it is the whole thing of doing what gets results not what feels right. I know the idea is for her to miss me but I need to stop fantasizing that she will call or come over all remorseful and upset and be ready to reconcile; this is life not a Hollywood love story.

My feelings are probably different this weekend because of spending two evenings in a row together. It felt really good and now that high has wore off.

Back to working on me and hopefully a good night's sleep. Just really surprised how many emotions I am feeling tonight.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
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