I would add explore what detachment means. Google livestron detachment.
Your H doesn't want to be married to you right now, so step back. Give him the space he needs. Become the business partners who happen to share a house.
What GAL things are you doing?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I am ordering the 5 love languages - author Gary Chapman. Artsy, I assume the questionairre is in the book? I really appreciate all of the help from you all! It helps to talk to someone. Its so frustrating and disappointing that my husband just wants to throw everything away without telling me why or trying to fix it. Yes, he is listening to music. He told me that it allows him to go into his 'own little world'. I have no doubt that he is really stressed. I see some things in his future to help reduce the stress, and hope that it will help him see clearly. Cant wait for the book to get her.
What I dont understand is, that we have both been living very independent lives. I allow him to do what he wants for as long as he wants...if we wants to stay out in the shop all night i am ok with it. I dont nag, i dont beg him to go places with me. if i want to travel and he doesnt, he lets me go and doesnt seem to have a problem with it. I worry that any more detachment will encourage or reinforce the idea that living by himself is what he is used to and what he really wants, just because he has been doing it for so long. I am just so confused about this being alone stuff since he has had this for some time. I need to understand how to reconnect with him if at all possible.
What GAL things am I doing? Well, I am going to the gym 3-4 times a week (I have lost over 20 pounds so far due to this mess) which has made me feel much better. I got a haircut, went shopping for some new clothes, a few sizes smaller, have been spending time with the grandkids and finishing up some princess costumes for my grand daughter. I went out for dinner by myself a couple times. Messing around with my flowers/plants around the house trying to make my house welcoming. I think i am going to seek out some movies, although the weather is so nice might have to wait for a rainy day.
Good for you, Hope! Nothing like feeling good about yourself:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
So, not much of any kind of update. My H worked all weekend. Saturday he worked until 9pm. I had prepared dinner for him. When he finally came in the house, he saw the dinner and gave me a dirty look-telling me that he didnt approve that I made the dinner. Didnt say anything. He went in to take a shower, came in and ate the dinner. I did his laundry and sewed a ripped seam in a shirt. These are things that I have always done for him...maybe havent done in a few months. I feel like I am walking on eggshells not sure what i can and cant show him in appreciation.
Tonight he ended work early and was in the house at 7. I know that he was just exhausted from all of the work he has been doing. He turned on the TV and sat in the chair next to me. I was finishing up some things in the other room. When I came into the living room to sit down, about 5 min later he was up and back at the kitchen counter. He is emotionally detached. I am determined to keep at this and not giving up. Are there any good articles on this and how to break through this? It crazy. 3 weeks ago he was talking to me, kissed me good bye when i ran an errand and then all of a sudden a switch went off and this is happening. I dont know if he is playing some kind of terrible game, trying to push me away or stressed induced. Any help is appreciated!
Hope, I'm not so sure your H is detached. He does seem to be checked out, unengaged, The article on detaching was helpful, I hope.
In a post above, there was a lot of talk about "you let him do..." and "he let you do..." Talk about that more, did you feel that you each controlled the other and you needed permission to do certain things? It sounds more like a parent child R. Is that how it felt?
Quote:
I am determined to keep at this and not giving up. Are there any good articles on this and how to break through this? It crazy. 3 weeks ago he was talking to me, kissed me good bye when i ran an errand and then all of a sudden a switch went off and this is happening. I dont know if he is playing some kind of terrible game, trying to push me away or stressed induced. Any help is appreciated!
Most of us have had a similar experience, that it was like a switch was flipped. But with time we begin to realize that there was a buildup, buried hurts and resentments and then the proverbial straw...
Did you read the DR book? It's the framework for this marathon.
You can't break through anything, all you can do is let go. Breaking through implies trying to change him and he (most likely) doesn't want to be changed.
As Cadet tells everyone in his first post, you have been given the gift of time and you can use that gift to look inside and make changes you know need to happen. We all have those issues that drive us crazy and maybe friends and family, too.
Or you can use the gift by trying to get him to change. That almost never works. What does work is when you change, the R changes and sometimes the WAS decides to take another look. Sometimes the LBS decides they don't want to take another look.
You're on a journey which has no predetermined destination. It may be a long, long journey, a marathon as some say. It's going to involve a lot of work for you, and a lot of leaving your H be.
Are you ready for that?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Hope, I'm not so sure your H is detached. He does seem to be checked out, unengaged, The article on detaching was helpful, I hope.
In a post above, there was a lot of talk about "you let him do..." and "he let you do..." Talk about that more, did you feel that you each controlled the other and you needed permission to do certain things? It sounds more like a parent child R. Is that how it felt? No, not at all. However, i notice alot of other couples in which the wives as well as husbands prevent each other from this freedom. In our marriage, i feel that we both trusted each other and allowed each other the freedom to do what we needed or wanted to do. Maybe too much so
Quote:
I am determined to keep at this and not giving up. Are there any good articles on this and how to break through this? It crazy. 3 weeks ago he was talking to me, kissed me good bye when i ran an errand and then all of a sudden a switch went off and this is happening. I dont know if he is playing some kind of terrible game, trying to push me away or stressed induced. Any help is appreciated!
Most of us have had a similar experience, that it was like a switch was flipped. But with time we begin to realize that there was a buildup, buried hurts and resentments and then the proverbial straw...
Did you read the DR book? It's the framework for this marathon.
You can't break through anything, all you can do is let go. Breaking through implies trying to change him and he (most likely) doesn't want to be changed. Yes, I know this guy will not change - not really what i wanted to do. But rather break through to him to see that we can fix this. Like you said, i think I just need to work on myself, my attitude, things that I have control of.
As Cadet tells everyone in his first post, you have been given the gift of time and you can use that gift to look inside and make changes you know need to happen. We all have those issues that drive us crazy and maybe friends and family, too.
Or you can use the gift by trying to get him to change. That almost never works. What does work is when you change, the R changes and sometimes the WAS decides to take another look. Sometimes the LBS decides they don't want to take another look.
You're on a journey which has no predetermined destination. It may be a long, long journey, a marathon as some say. It's going to involve a lot of work for you, and a lot of leaving your H be.
Are you ready for that?
Yes! I am ready. I will continue reading DR as well.
As a matter of fact, yesterday seemed a little bit better. He was in the house already by the time i got back from the gym and sat and watch tv for a little bit. He seemed to be a little less stoned faced. Day by day.
