Funeral for a husband, love lies bleeding

[cczamo]

Well my tax season is over and I'm able to breathe again today 4/16!! But H decides to bombard me with texts emails and phone calls about moving divorce forward. Geesh! H doesnt even let me have one day of freedom after working every day since Feb 1st! I went for a run, and he called 2 times. i of course dont answer when running (H doesnt even take cell phone on his runs). I get back home to computer and see he's emailed that i "obviously only want to respond to email not texts or phone calls, so i can have documentation", and "I guess we will just cease all communications." I'd reiterated via email response that its better if temporarily, we dont see each other or have phone conversations as I'm still apt to say something hurtful out of my anger. I said is only temporary, but I'm not sure when I'll be ready to talk--but it's only been less than a week from me discovering OW.
One of H texts is asking me to if I've heard back from my cousin, who's drawing up our D papers. I only sent the email to cousin on Sunday afternoon. H is like a kid on a car ride, "are we there yet? "Are we there yet?" Obviously, H cant get D fast enough. I dont know if OW (who is married still) is pushing him, or if he's afraid he'll change his mind? Why the frantic attitude? What is the rush? I've already told him that i will comply. H has been nicer to me though, since the OW was discovered last Friday. I know H is concerned that I might contact the H of OW. Today H sent 4 texts, 4 emails and H attempted calling me 3 times. All about different issues in relation to winding up his stuff's move out May 2. H has already moved out to hotel on 4/14. In one of his emails to me today H wrote, "I acknowledge your anger. I am not happy about the chunk of change I'm outlaying for temporary living arrangement."
H then proceeds to forward email to me from his boss, who has asked H to pick one of two available dates to meet H's company's (Fortune 200) CIO. H indicated to his boss that neither of those dates are available, as he will be moving. The email chain continues with his boss asking about availability on weeks before or after May 2. H writes to boss "I am not open to anytime that week or the following week Sorry…. I have very rarely asked for any type of special dispensation, but this is one of those times.
Hopefully this isn't career limiting but it is what it is... " H forwards to me with comment: "i dont even care anymore." H is in major self-destructive mode lately. I pray for him, even though I cant live with him.
I cannot believe H is destroying so much of what he's worked very hard for years to attain. Our house, (3/27/14 I bought his equity out), his job, which he took such pride in attaining his level. Most importantly H destroyed our M, which HE pursued me relentlessly for years, when I wasnt initially even that interested in him. All through out M,even up to 2 years ago, H, when introducing himself to people would say "I'm her LAST husband" when I'd say "This is my second husband."

Confused. I know I shouldnt try to understand or get answers.

[cczamo]

I just posted under goals, but am posting here also:

My goals:

1- remove STBX from speed dial on my cell.

2- learn computer and cell tech so I dont have to ask STBX (my tech specialist) for help any more. Or to find good help on this from others.

3- get back to maintaining my cool, yet friendly DB with STBX after losing it last FRiday upon my discovering OW.

4- planning ahead more re GAL, rather than thinking of what to do that same day.

5- Find out what I like to do, and do it. Still not sure what that is, in terms of hobbies, etc.

6- Work on making new single girl friends.

7- becoming more independent and being brave enough to go out and meet new people by myself. Even consider planning a trip alone, because traveling alone scares me to death.

8-keep off the 15 lbs that DB stress allowed me to lose without any more additional pain than I was already feeling with Separation/D/OW/BD...

9-Become the woman that H was crazy to leave,

10-Detach and detach and detach to the point where, at some point down the road, I'll catch myself and say, "Wow, it's been xx (hours, days, weeks, or months) since I've (been sad about XH, or thought about XH), because my life is so awesome without him.

11- get to the point where I dont look forward to being giddy when H realizes what a HUGE mistake he made in destroying our M and leaving me.

[cczamo]

STB XH came over today to pack up some of his stuff (big move is on 5/2/14). Our last interaction was rather cold and distant (my choice due to just discovering his OW). Today I was as positive and nice -- no R talk. I offered to help him & he asked me to help some by holding boxes while he taped and other tasks requiring two people. H did monster with me, but I ignored and acted friendly. Rather than linger and hang around him, I'd go to different room after helping him each time, and he called me back to help him several times. Helping him box up and tape..wow this is really happening!
Not certain if i'll see him again til 5/2. i wont initiate any contact, though. I don't feel much of any thing, not sadness, not anger. Not today, at least.

Am GAL. After brief run, I went to volunteer to pack meals for the hungry in Haiti. I met several people at my volunteer table also funneling rice, weighing it and measuring the food packets. Trying to put myself "out there" in new situations and meeting people by myself. I am introverted so this is not easy, but today wasn't nearly as difficult as I expected.
This evening, I called a new friend from DivorceCare group to meet me for Cuban food at the spur of the moment.
Tomorrow, Easter.

[JennD]

Sounds like you are doing well! Great GAL'ing! And very good interactions with H...

Keep the good working going!

[cczamo]

Well this DB and being positive w/ my interactions is not as easy as I'd expected. I just hung up on my STBX when after I'd asked for copies of the latest invoices of satellite, internet and telephone providers that I'm supposed to take over, H indicated that this was all so simple, but that he should have known it would be too complicated for me to handle. Actually, H insulted me more than that, but that's the shortened, paraphrased version. I just hung up on him, and immediately sent him an email (which he does not want to communicate via, since it "documents" our conversation) that said "Going forward I will NOT remain in any discussion where I am insulted. Discussion will terminate immediately upon your turning the discussion to insults."

Probably should have been upbeat and positive in a response to turn conversation around, such as "I understand that you think i'm incapable of handling a simple task, and that I'm stupid." But the CPA in me wanted to potentially get a bundled service of all three (land line, internet and cable) rather than just take over his three different providers.

So I need to be better prepared in future to absorb his insults, and not take it personally, but not react. Rather, respond.

I'm better now. Thanks for putting up w/ my venting.

[HollyAnn]

Wow.

He needs to back off and stop pressuring you. This D affects you too and you don't have to move at his breakneck pace.

H needs to understand that he is not the only one who will be calling the shots now.

You're doing good; stay strong.

[cczamo]

Thanks, HollyAnn. He's been gone 11 days, now. I'm trying to not miss him, even though my interactions this year have been with his MAJOR monstering like I've never known him to do. Alot of it was due to his quitting 2 antidepressants and all alcohol cold turkey in January.
I can't imagine that he's not feeling any guilt about all this leaving and his monstering B. He sometimes does email or voice message an apology the next day, though.
I cant decide if I'd rather interact with him and take the B as the price paid, or if I'd rather have him gone, but no monstering. Humans can get used to abuse, which IS what the monstering B really is, if labelled truthfully.
I wonder if MLC WAS's feel much if any guilt, or if they've been drinking their own kool-aide and believe their version of rewritten history and think their bad treatment of LBS is deserved.?

[whytry]

Sorry to jump in but in my case yes I believed what I said when mlc, and yes at times I showed remorse but no apology. Now, oh holy hell what guy I would kill to ever treat or talk to my daughter the way I treated my W. My W pointed that out long ago but I ignored it and the level of regret I have is unbearable. Just know it'll get worse, I did, before and if he changes.

[cczamo]

Thank you for your candor, whytry. It really helps me to understand him. I guess you also would advise that i detach and GAL.
I do really love him and hate seeing him destroy so much of what he worked hard for, not only our M, but his relationship with my S30, his stepson, who he absolutely loved. I think he almost wants to be fired from his director position at Fortune 200 co. he worked so hard for years, and was very proud at each promotion. I have compassion for him, but i feel as if I need to stay away from him to avoid the "tornado" he blows at me.
I know another man from DivorceCare who had A with a woman he knew from high school while his W was in hospital. He is now very remorseful, esp for breakup of his family.
Whytry, i will read up on your sitch, and hope the best for you.

[cczamo]

My stbxH is at my house now getting things. The movers come for his big stuff tomorrow morning.
He came by yesterday evening before I was leaving and he brought one of his twin daughters to help him. Had not seen her since early Jan. I hugged her longer than I ever have. And she hugged me back. Then 30 min later, I needed to leave, I said, "one last hug. Dont know when I'll see you again." I left the house with tears in my eyes, needing a tissue to wipe the tears while driving to my final DivorceCare class. I have now "graduated." Too many finales at the moment.