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Here is my thing on pictures. I need her out of my head and heart. I want my moments with S to be just that....MY moments. I don't want to think about her or having to share with her in those moments. She gave them up - they weren't taken from her.

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So don't send them. That's easy.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Crimson Offline OP
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Does that make sense, though, Bug? Is it selfish? Is it mean? Vindictive? I really DO feel that way. She always talks to S about choices....good choices and bad choices....consequences of choices. This was HER choice. IMHO it was a bad one, but that it just me. She chose not to be a part of the time that S and I spend together -- she wasn't expelled or otherwise asked to leave. She left on her own - it was her choice. Now she can deal with consequences and losing part of her connection and closeness with S is part of that. It is NOT my job to make it easier for her....I have been doing that all along and I quit.

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"I want my moments with S to be just that....MY moments."

You have the option to not send them, but remember, they are also YOUR SON'S MOMENTS. You are his father and she's his mother. He will want to share HIS moments with both of you. Don't get in the way of that or make him feel like he can't share because you feel uncomfortable.

You're supposed to have gotten stronger through this. Start showing it and start living your life. If you were confident in yourself you wouldn't care if things were shared or not. YOU let her affect you. YOU are allowing it to get to you. YOU don't have to.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Quote:
I know she will say "See!! It was all an act! This is who you really are!".


So what? Will that make it true? This very thought has been the main thing that has prevented you from doing what you could have done from the day she announced she wanted a D. You have allowed this to controll your life. I do not see it as being healthy.

You will never be able to be perfect enough for her satisfactory. There, I said it. You are so hell bent in living as sort of whipping boy trying to get her to see how much you've changed. I have NEVER seen another member have as many people trying to convince him what a great guy he is.....like I have seen people post to you. But you want to argue! Why? B/c there is only one person you are trying to please.........and she is not going to do it, Crimson. It is not going to happen.

I just want to shake you when you get in to one of these dark pits and blame everything on yourself. Instead of releasing yourself to really have a decent life, you CHOOSE to beat yourself down in the ground. You can just do so much, then it is up to her. She has decided she doesn't want a M with you, b/c of reasons only she knows. But as long as you agree to be her scapegoat.........she will continue to blame all her problems on you. And why wouldn't she? You have not forced her to experience what a life without could be. She doesn't even know the true side of D! And as long as you choose to daily crucify yourself out of the name of being goodness & kindness for HER........your life will not be happy and she will continue to take advantage.

Of course it "doesn't feel right". You have always said that. Have you ever heard how DBing is counterintuitive?

Frankly, I don't see the point in sending her pictures and "updates". She can't go a few days without a picture! It's called living the divorced life. But then, I suppose she's never had to, has she? Now she has OM and she thinks everything will continue on except she'll have two men instead of just one.

So yeah, I would definitely stop the updates & pictures. It doesn't make you a bad person. But it can help you to move forward. Don't send a letter explaining your feelings or anything, b/c it will do no good. It won't help what she want to feel about you. You must stop making this all about pleasing her. You will never detach as long as you keep doing this.

You don't have an urge to talk to her now, so what better time to make a clean break?
What better time to redirect your thinking pattern and start planning your life without her? Get out and start living again. Fill your time. Start doing new things.

But most of all, retrain your brain. And when you have those thoughts of what she may say or think about you.........tell yourself, "Who cares what she thinks? I know who and what I am! I am no longer living my life trying to change her opinion about me."


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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I can't argue with a thing that you are saying, Sandi. Not a word of it. You are completely right...as is everyone else telling me that I need to get out of the "keep xw happy" business. Like I said, I always felt if she was happy with me, got to know me again, she would want to come back eventually. So I HAVE gone out of my way to keep her happy. There has been so much that I have done or tolerated just to keep the peace.....hoping, praying that she would see me differently. It is clear to me now that it just doesn't work and I have probably neglected myself in the process. You are right...I have been held captive by my urge to please her, when there is no way I can. I am still awestruck that she blamed me for S having hard transitions....that over a year ago she blamed me for her legal debt. I am the easiest target and the one that gives her the ability to NOT have to look at herself as a root cause for anything....and I have fed this monster.

I seriously do not have any desire to speak with her at all. Not even for "business" things. Seeing her pop up in my inbox makes me cringe right now. I just want to tell her to leave me alone and let that be that.

Yes, it DOES feel counterintuitive - every bit as much as acting "as if" and other stuff did. But honestly, what I have done thus far has lead to nothing but the literal EXACT OPPOSITE of what I wanted. We are more distant than ever and she is with OM. That should be all the proof I need, really.

Her alimony ends at the end of next month. Slashing her income by $1,000 a month - that's a pretty big hit for someone living on a high school guidance counselors salary and I suspect it will change her life to some degree assuming she has not saved any of the money. Interested in seeing how that works out. Makes me wonder if OM is a survival tactic and if they signed a lease together. She moves in 7 days....if she is moving my S into a home with another man I would hope she would tell me by now.
Though I figure nothing would shock me too much now.

Crimson

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Man stop rationalizing. How do you know that when her alimony ends she will hurt? You are coming across as if you want her to sufer. I went through the same thing. I wanted her to feel the pain that I did. Stop the victimhood it does you no good. I am very happy that my ex is doing well. Accepting that freed me. Let her go.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Crimson Offline OP
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You know what the irony is, Sandi? I bet if you would ask her right now she would say that I have never acted as if I cared about her happiness at all in this. She has always intimated that I act our of anger or sense of wanting to "get back" at her from the day this all started. She has no idea what I have been doing behind the curtain that is the complete opposite of what she assumes. Her belief is that if I a mad at her or if she does something to upset me - then I am in attack or vengeance mode. She said to C that (loose quote here) "I feel like what he is willing to do/give/compromise depends on how he feels about me at any particular time". I.E. if he is happy with me, I extra vacation days. If he isn't I don't. Never mind that I proactively ask for and volunteer to split expenses with S, never mind that the ENTIRE school year I paid for all of his lunches while she contributed $20 to his account, never mind that she claimed him on her taxes this year and it was NOT her year to do so, never mind that I proactively paid for a large part of his bday party this year when it was NOT my year to have him for his bday. never mind the fact that I am paying child support and alimony based off of an income tied to a bonus structure that I don't get anymore with this new job (I literally have been paying more than I need to and even paid her when I was unemployed for 3 months - never missed a penny) - THEN she believes he dad when he says that I "only wanted to save the M so I wouldn't have to pay alimony and child support". She has NO IDEA what she has received and who I am. I could go on.....but in her eyes there is still something in me that is seething a looking for revenge. Some that asks how her weekend was and gets accused of "prying into her personal life". Really??

I'm ranting....I'll stop.

Crimson

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Crimson Offline OP
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That was an "anger post"....sorry.

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Crimson,

Hiya! I'm Wonka. cool

This last post got my attention so I wanna say a thing or two here.

Here's the thing: You and XW have been divorced for close to 2 years.

You're still keeping score (ya! all those details ^^).

You're still looking AT XW/OM's direction. Is your life so boring that you must continue looking at her life to spice yours up?

How's that helping you heal and move on in making YOUR own life much more interesting?

I can picture meeting you at a cocktail party. "Nice meeting you, Crimson. What have you been up to lately?"

Crimson: "Well...my XW screwed me so much! You wouldn't believe how...." my ears start tuning you out and I begin finding a way to extract myself from you to seek out more fun cocktail party partners to chat with.

Is that who you WANT to be?

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