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Excellent update slow_it_down, so pleased for you! I hope things continue to move in a positive direction for you & your family smile


Divorce Final: Oct 2014

Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
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Originally Posted By: claire7
This is a really really inspiring thread for me. Even when things seem so "final", when it seems like there is only one road forward, things can still change.

I do have lots of questions about how you "re-enter" a WAS into your family and friends. How do those relationships heal? I feel like even if my H was having second thoughts about ending our M, the thought of having to be around my family ever again will be enough to keep him from reconciling with me. I think he'd be too afraid of facing them and rebuilding their trust. How is that working for you?


Things felt 'final' many, many times. Either my H seemed 100% set on ending things or I felt 'done' but here we are giving things another go so keep your head up.

In my sitch I've been lucky with family, friends and my H. My H has surprised me many times by going with me to family events after BD. He is probably ultra nervous but everyone just sort of pretends like nothing happened and treat him like they usually would even if they would love to pull him aside and give him an earful.

In fact this weekend we are taking a trip and are riding in the car with my folks. My H will be in the front seat with my dad for 3 hours. They were never ultra close but they are men and can usually find something sports-fishing-hunting related to talk about.


BD: Aug 2012
Separated since May 2013
S born Aug 2013
Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out'
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It's nice to find hope in your thread. I feel like my H has made his mind up and it is final.

I didn't read all of your thread just skimmed thru bits and pieces. Whatever you have done to get to where you are now do not let that fall by the wayside. Keep your changes going for you, your S and your marriage.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
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Originally Posted By: slow_it_down

People on the boards always say that the old relationship is dead and that you've got to start a new relationship w/ your spouse. However I can't help but feel like I just got my old H back and I'm so happy to see the guy I once knew again.


The reason we say this is because something went wrong in the marriage, most often it was apathy that crept in. If you seek to go "back to normal" then that would mean back to the same old habits that brought your M down to begin with. Unless you want to repeat everything you've been through again a few years down the road, you need to look at this as a new marriage and you MUST do things differently this time. So, what are you doing differently? Are you going to MC? What about Retrouvaille?

As a side comment, over the last couple of years I've seen several people come here who were here many years ago DB'ing their marriages, and they've come back because of exactly what I describe above- they fell into old habits and their marriages fell apart again.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Another stander I appreciate your comments. I think when depression is involved that getting back to the way things were pre-depression is a good place to be. I also think that there are worse things in life than finding yourself back here after a few years. Sure everyone wants to save their marriage and keep moving forward, but for those that come back, at least they are still 'trying.' I am a believer in taking from people what they are able to offer at the time. It leads to taking chances and extending love even when it's not reciprocated or safe.

My H hasn't 'done the work' we need to succeed together, but he randomly decided to start personal counseling last week. If I hadn't allowed him back before he was 'fixed' he never would have gotten to the point where he felt our relationship was worth working on.

In terms of getting back to old habits, it's too soon to talk about that. We've had setbacks but we are still trying to figure things out. I wouldn't say we've settled into anything yet and I think the results of his counseling will have the biggest impact on how things go from here out for better or worse.


BD: Aug 2012
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Hi Slow! Update? How is the counseling going for H??


Me:35
BF:36
Together 4.5 years lived together 2 years moved out 8-13
still "together" but not together.
Confused.
D11, D13 (from 1st marriage)
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Hi Needingmore, thanks for checking in.

Personal counseling has helped tremendously already and has put my H on a good course. He's finally coming to terms with things happened long ago in his life.

I wish I could say that I feel like things are great and on track but the reality is that things between us are still complicated. I think he's finally realized what all is at stake and sometimes I feel like he's sweeping things under the rug. Also, some of his shifts in behavior are dramatic and I don't trust that they'll last. I often think of advice I've read here, that the smallest most consistent changes count most, so I'm just giving it time to see what life with him will really look like in the future.

In the meantime I've been doing heavy reading about people in his shoes and how they behave as adults. His dad was in and out of his life as a child, and it's both comforting and saddening to read other spouses detail what their marriages are like when married to people who grew up that way.

I'm at the point where I have to start accepting that some of his behaviors and reactions to life's frustrations might just be part of who he is. His cycles of being great and happy, followed by being able to just walk out on me saying I mean nothing to him and/or buying 'stuff' or seeing other woman when he's feeling hurt, are unfortunately very common for men raised by a single parent with an absentee parent.

At the moment I'm just taking life day by day and not moving too fast in any particular direction. I have set some pretty clear boundaries to protect myself and my kids, but have been enjoying time w/ my H. He set up a bunch of romantic/ awesome things for Mother's Day and has been saying many nice things to & about me which he did not do previously. I'm enjoying this 'up' time where life feels pretty good and easy.


BD: Aug 2012
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Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out'
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Just a quick update. Things have been going really well between my H and I. He is really working hard on himself in personal counseling. He's also been really good about doing the things I need him to in order to build my confidence and trust back up. He's making time for our S and is really good with him.

In hindsight, the last 2 years were tough, but I'm so happy I gave him a few chances to get things right. This is a good place to be in and I'm savoring every uneventful day as they pass.


BD: Aug 2012
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Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out'
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If there's one thing this journey has taught me it's that I need to trust my gut and intuition. Last Saturday I had the urge to check my H's phone and for a few days prior I started randomly thinking about his OW from last summer. Well, I checked his phone and sure enough the OW had texted him. I was shocked, well mostly shocked. I thought he was done with her months ago!

That night his girlfriend messaged me in Facebook asking if we could talk. She said she thought we were divorced 2 years ago so I called her to find out what in the world was going on. I thought he only met her during our separation last summer but it turns out they dated and lived together for the better part of the last 2 years. He even hired her to work for him and for the past few months he's worked side by side with her.

From the beginning I sensed so many things, now things all make sense to me. In a way I feel bad for her because he lied very thoroughly to her about being divorced already. On the flip side, he said I shouldn't believe anything she says because she's does drugs and pops pills. Amazing isn't it? That he could be living with her and having our son around her yet he thinks telling me that will make me focus on her rather than questioning his horrible judgement on having her in his life.

Oh, and remember that personal counseling he was going to in order to work on himself? It turns out they were going to couples counseling and they were talking about getting married. I could be wrong but it makes no sense to me that he'd be working on marrying her while we are still married and I thought working things out between us.

What a mess.

On the bright side, seeing the extent of his craziness and willingness to lie has confirmed in my mind that he has a mental illness that isn't just something that will go away. Instead of focusing on the cheating and lying etc, I can focus on getting him real help. I don't feel any obligation to accept him back until he really gets counseling and accepts that the way he handles things is outside the realm of what is ok.

This week should feel like the craziest yet but I feel calm, relaxed and in control. His world and mind can keep spinning but mine is calm and unaffected.


BD: Aug 2012
Separated since May 2013
S born Aug 2013
Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out'
H is/was actively seeing someone?
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After learning of my H's mental health issues I've been doing a lot of reading about his condition. Ironically, the biggest suggestion for loving someone with his disorder is to validate, validate, validate. I guess I got a head start by coming here before the diagnosis since I've been working on my validation for some time.

This weekend I met up with a good friend and talked about my sitch. She seemed sad and concerned. However, for the first time in a long time I find myself enjoying each day and what it has to offer rather than worrying about the future. I feel the best I have in probably 2 years. Instead of holding back love out of fear I'll be hurt and disappointed again, I can move forward knowing that even though the future isn't certain, I love my husband and he loves me back to the best of his ability. Finally understanding him has lifted a huge burden from my mind and has helped me really let go of expectations. No expectations means that I could enjoy an awesome weekend like this one where we went to dinner, hung out, etc and accept that there might be down times in the future too, but that's ok.

I'm sorry my sitch is all over the place and perhaps hard to follow. I just want to say that for the first time I feel like I'm really creating a warm judgement free zone for my H to come home to....Something I always wanted to do but couldn't see past my own needs. To be able to give him a safe place to be honest about his shortcomings feels really good given all that he's done and said. I'm feeling pretty strong.


BD: Aug 2012
Separated since May 2013
S born Aug 2013
Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out'
H is/was actively seeing someone?
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