I think I belong here #3

[Georgiabelle]

Praying,

Ah yes. The "I'm moving not moving syndrome." Some things about your situation sound similar except my h has blamed me for everything including traffic:)

They just change. Thru do the opposite of what you think. My h is an atheist too and that hasn't changed. However , his political beliefs have gotten more extreme. Just focus in detaching ( I know it's hard) and observe. It's sad and interesting all at the same time. And of course, protect yourself financially.

[Georgiabelle]

Praying,

Ijust reread one of your posts. I'm not sure if this is appropriate DB, however you may not want to offer up so much stuff on your kids. Your h is focused on himself. Telling him about the kids' feelings will feel like guilt to him. You have to protect your kids because I have a feeling that isn't high on your h's priority list. Let him own that relationship with the kids. Don't faciliate or naviagate. You just remind them you are there for them and let his relationship with them play out as it may. You can't fix that.

Hope you are having a better day:)

[Matt165]

God, how is it that MLCers can be so selfish and crazy and not have a clue how horrible they sound! I got all that praying but so far my W hasn't left but plans to soon. They really believe that "things" can make them "happy" I think because they are so afraid that if that's not true, they are the problem and it's to hard to look at themselves. He is hurting his kids by his leaving, not leaving and yet can't find it in himself to care. My W who had her parents go thru a bad divorce, swore she would NEVER put her kids thru that but now says "we all hurt our kids, they'll get over it".

Try to remember none of this is about you or how good or bad of a wife or person you are! I know that doesn't help much right now but none of this is your fault. He is so selfish right now, he is willing to let you and your kids pay the price for his "happiness"! Try to detach and give him as much space as possible right now. Show him you can be strong and will have your own life with him or without. Try not to show how hurt you feel, that will just feed his need to run.

We are all praying for you and your kids! You are not alone!

[praying_in_GA]

Well, he spoke to a lawyer yesterday. I forgot a friend of his brother (acquaintance of mine) is a lawyer. It will be $1500 to file uncontested. He has told her to give me full custody and we will adjust child support as things change. He said he trusts me to let him see the kids despite the papers. He said if the Navy doesn't take him he is going to do something else that will take him away from here for a few years. He said he just needs to get away and get out and find himself again. He said he loves the kids and he will miss them and he is sure they will probably hate him. He said he is sorry he is leaving me to take care of them but he knows that I will do a good job and I have so much family support that they will be well cared for. He said his job is to send us money since he is walking away and he knows that.

I told him that I have so many people telling me to not trust his word and to make sure I cover my butt well. He said he understands that but he is willing to give me anything I want as long as I agree to sign and get it over with sooner rather than later.

He said he asked the lawyer about dating and such. She said the only thing it would hurt is if we used it against each other for custody and since he is giving me full custody there isn't anything there.

He is just ready to be done and gone. I might get the kids and the child support, but that also means he is absolved of any mandatory father time as well.


Random ramblings from me today:

I feel very out of control and very resigned to my fate. I hate this. My marriage is over.

Nothing is going to change. I'm getting a divorce and he is leaving for somewhere for years. My husband. The father of my children is walking away and leaving me as the sole parent for years.

So, I'm getting divorced. And things will never be the same. I will be a single parent in just a few months. The only one my kids have in their house. He is just leaving. Just going off to do whatever he want to do. Leaving me to care for them because he knows I will.


Everywhere I go, he is there. His stuff, his life, his smell, his presence.... Even at work I go to the rooms where our kids were born. Where we spent our first days as new parents, a family of 4, and then a family of 5. Everything in my world is my 14 year marriage and it is all gone now.

[praying_in_GA]

I know how pity-party I sound tonight and I am sorry. I was feeling so strong and I still have many moments of strength. This sudden understanding that I will be divorced soon is hard for me. I always had this dream in the back of my head that things would heal and we would build a new marriage. I know it takes time and I know it is still possible. It will be years before we are there (if we get there). I know that it is him and not me. I am slowly coming to terms with the idea. I know it in my mind it's hard to feel it in my heart as well.

I still love him and I still have the desire to see him turn his life around to become the amazing, loving, committed father and husband I know he can be. But I cannot change his heart or his mind right now. This is his journey to travel alone. I cannot hasten it and I cannot accompany him. I will love and support my kids through this. I will find my way in a world without H. I will come out of this stronger and taller.

I still love him and I hope for the best in his life.

Please pray for my kids. My oldest is in the middle. She understands the most out of the three. She is breaking my heart and I am trying to be strong for her. Please pray for my strength and my ability to be the mother they need right now.

I still love him.

[Georgiabelle]

Praying,

It's good to journal your feelings. I could have written many of those thoughts as my h just wants to be done as well.

You are right. You can't change this as they are looking for the external to make them happy. I know that is crazy but that's what they do. They are so convinced that it's everything in their current life making them unhappy that a new gf, place, friends will finally make them happy.

One thing that I have realized, is that I am building this unique bond with my kids that I can't describe. Yes, it is difficult if I just need to run to the store and all 3 must go with me, but you learn to appreciate things differently. You can do this and your children will see what an amazing mother they have. Their father will have to own all that goes along with his decisions and it won't be pretty. However, that's on your h-not you. There is something about when you come to that realization that makes you feel at peace. Why? I don't know. Maybe because it's not yours to own.

Tomorrow is a new day. Be kind to yourself

[Matt165]

So sorry to hear about where H is at and what he is doing. He is so running from his pain and himself and nothing seems to be able to slow him down. You know that one day when he finds that he just can't run away from this he will regret what he has done to the people who have loved and counted on him the most. It WILL happen. When, no one can say. In the mean time know that you will pull through this. You have 3 great reasons to be strong and be the best person you can be! Trust in God. Trust in yourself. You are stronger than you feel right now and have ever known! Now is the time to show your kids the way to deal with adversity with grace and strength. You can do it and we are all here for you and on your side!

[BklynMom]

Matt & Georgia are so right.

I read your words and I remember writing them same words a year or two ago. And hearing those words echo endlessly in my mind.

The best thing I could do to get out of that space was write a gratitude list.

1. My kids are healthy
2. I am healthy and able to be there for me kids

Then on from there.

We are all so blessed and any day the blessings that we take for granted can be lost.

Your kids are so so lucky to have you as their mom.

[praying_in_GA]

He left today. We will see him tomorrow for D8 meet and he will be back Wednesday so I can work. He was great with with the kids. He told us all bye, hugged me, and left.

I'm okay. It will be okay.

[job]

I'm sorry it came to this, but you and the children will be okay in time. You will discover that you are having to walk on eggshells around him and you will feel like your home is now your home.

Yes, it will get better. You will have ups and downs...that's normal. Be kind to yourself.