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Barrybran #2447675 04/23/14 12:45 PM
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I understand the non negotiable. I also understand WHY the communication is important to you.

Key point is you only control how you communicate with her. Or anyone. Set the example. With how you communicate. Monkey see monkey do...it really works.



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
cat04 #2447676 04/23/14 12:47 PM
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OK, I get you now. Thanks.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Barrybran #2447933 04/24/14 01:13 PM
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Tonight wasn't pretty. I cleaned some parts of the house today and made sure to leave some for my wife. I wasn't too happy with where it was at but figured it would save some dramas. My wife got home and was angry because it looked like I hadn't done anything (her words). I told her whether I clean everything, nothing or do some things and leave some for her, she's not happy with me. I should have followed the roster she set out and STFU instead.

As she went to bed she wrote me a message:

"Im going to write this down instead of saying it because I cannot talk to you without getting angry.
I do not want to be in a house or relationship for that matter where I am constantly angry.
I don't deserve that. And like I was saying previously, we need distance. Not under each others noses.
Things like not cleaning or cleaning too much are stressing both of us.
I suggested the roster as a means of knowing what's expected of both of us. Some direction and boundaries in place.
These obviously fail.
I cannot live with you. I know the kids need us both, but not at the expense of each other's stress levels or emotions.
I hate you. I've said it several times and the more I'm around you, I'm questioning why I ever let it get to this point.
I resent you more each day. I cannot go over everything that happened to get it here. You know the problems.
I really do think it's best if you move out.
You can be free to clean as little or as much without me around. You can find your own happy medium.
You can buy things without having to worry about what affect it'll have on me. You'll be able to have privacy to do whatever you want to do."


My response was as follows:

"I felt the roster created a more work-like environment at home. I understand you were trying to make an effort and I will review it.

I have no intention of moving out at the present time. I understand that you don't want to live with me and I will work with you toward a mutually acceptable arrangement.

I understand that we have different opinions on the marriage right now. I will not be doing anything to jeopardise it any more than I already have."


There was more that followed and it followed the same vein. So, I stuffed this one up. I did go to the real estate today to find out what they had available and the person who looks after it won't be back until Monday. I've felt for a while now that different places would be best and would be a lot easier. I didn't sign up for easy though; I signed up for change (so far, no good). I need to think some more about the arrangements. The house I'm in is quite a task to look after on my own. In saying that, it's my home, it's a great place for the kids and there's a lot I still want to do with it. Also, my wife chose to separate and I feel that she should face the consequences that come with that choice, not me.

I know I need to go dim or even dark. I just need to shut up and stay out of her way completely. I know I need to just stick to the roster and keep the path smooth, even though the path is leading out the door right now. Once she does leave, I feel I need to go LRT for my own benefit. I should be able to do that without much or any contact with her as the kids will be at school or with the babysitter much of the time. The only time I'll need to see my wife is when she picks the kids up on her way home from work. It's all pretty raw though so I'll see how things go.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Barrybran #2447936 04/24/14 01:26 PM
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Someone who is more knowledgable about it may want to chime in and contradict me, but my wife at one point also wanted me to move out. I was advised by a family friend that under no circumstances should I do so because, if I did, it might cause some issues for me custody-wise, particularly if the split ended up getting ugly.

Particularly because my wife already had another place she could go (her parents), I ultimately told her that while I 100% understood her feelings, I had no intentions of moving out but that she was obviously free to go whenever she felt ready. She hasn't left yet, so...


H: 43
W: 37
M: 11 years
T: 12 years
S: 11
D: 8
ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14
MC started: 9/22/14
Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14
Piecing: 10/20/14
stumps #2447939 04/24/14 01:32 PM
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My wife paused for a while and continued the conversation and I'm having that conversation now. Hopefully I handle it correctly. So far I've said that I respect her choice for me to leave and that me leaving is her choice and not mine.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Barrybran #2447940 04/24/14 01:33 PM
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Do not move out of the family home.


Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
Drew #2447941 04/24/14 01:38 PM
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She's putting the pressure on. She's saying I'm trying to control the situation. I'm just listening and validating at the moment. I won't be going anywhere. As I said to her, this is my home regardless of the mistakes I have made.

For those not aware of my situation, I cheated on my wife online and she's been dealing with it for the past year and a bit and it's really coming to a head now.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Barrybran #2447948 04/24/14 02:11 PM
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yes, you cannot move out without at least having a temporary custody hearing/arrangement which can't happen until you file divorce paperwork.

the temporary custody arrangement will protect you from the image of 'abandoning the home' and hence affecting your chances with custody in the future


me 41 w43
married 20 years
BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY....
4 kids, 21,18,8,6
tough spot #2447953 04/24/14 02:26 PM
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Thanks. She's very adamant that I'm to move out. I've managed to remain calm, listen and validate and while she hasn't softened, she's talking about space now. She suggested I sleep in the shed. I said I'd continue to sleep in the spare room and I'll think about ways to spend less time in the house. She fired back about spending time with random women and discussing our situation. I feel bad for my wife, I really do. I'm confident I'm on the right path though.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Barrybran #2447955 04/24/14 02:31 PM
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She said at one point that if I don't move out it will increase the hostility which will bring about divorce faster. First time she's threatened me with divorce. I didn't acknowledge that, validated her feelings and reiterated that I will make the environment as comfortable as possible for her.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
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