Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 10 1 2 6 7 8 9 10
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 830
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 830
just catching up...thinking about you.
the snarky remarks are hard to resist. sometimes they just present themselves. Learning to keep my lips tight!


M48 H50
M21 T26
S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old
PA confirmed 7/2012
H separates 9/2012
H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY
OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
LoisB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
Thanks everyone! Thanks so much for the support. This is scary as hell. Jeezz...

I think the snarkiness helped me deflect some of the fear yesterday. Last night, I was left with overwhelming guilt... This feeling that I am abandoning this person I love when he is so sick. And, I think I also feel some guilt because, for me, the roughest days are over. I've already experienced the anguish, grief, gut-wrenching stuff and I'm really ok now. I pushed through it. I have a feeling that his grief is just beginning and I feel terrible, like I am somehow causing it?? So weird. I know this man is terrible for me and I know I wouldn't choose him as he is.

Damnnnnn, though, it's so scary to let go of this invisible umbilical cord I've been carrying since I was a teenager. This idea that this guy would always be there to rescue me in distress. Not so much, huh?? Still, it's the illusion.

Then, my mom came over yesterday to "help" me. I ended up typing something for her and rewriting a letter. Then, she unloaded her fears for me. How I NEED to get a full-time job, I NEED to get D11 in mainstream school. Not what I NEEDED to hear yesterday. But, I know she is coming from a place of concern. I just have to trust that this is all happening as it should.

I do feel some excitement at having my life completely my own, for once. The possibilities of a new life are exciting, at least until my mom squashed them with her fears!! LOL.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
LoisB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
And, she did the same thing in regards to D19.

D19 is the world's easiest target. Mom: "I'm so scared for her and for you."

I need my mom to stop being so scared for me. I need her to trust God and I will handle things.

OH!!! And, I discovered the source of the weight gain. Last summer, when I was feeling so low and couldn't afford the pot to piss in...I started taking H's Paxil because he never cancelled his script and I have about 6 months of it here.

Well, turns out Paxil, in some people, can cause lots of weight gain and impacts cortisol levels-which are probably already through the roof because of stress. I did some online research and read about lots of cases where people experienced the same dramatic weight gain with months of taking it. And, then, it came off when they stopped the drug--without too much pain and suffering.

I have to wean off the Paxil, but I'm hoping the weight will come off relatively easily. I only weighed this much when I was pregnant with D11. Never been this heavy. And, I've had some acne which is weird for me too.

I'm reading up on it all. I need to get in for a physical, exercise, take some fish oil to help with the cortisol--I'm assuming it's high, but the fish oil won't hurt anyway.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
LoisB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
Oh!! And, the Asset Check was a reality check for me.

He didn't have any new purchases they could find, but...

the list of Smokey's toys over the years was GI-normous. Brought back memories from the beginning of the marriage where Smokey always, always, always, had a toy of some sort-an expensive toy. He used my student loan money to buy 66 Lemans for himself. Two-three motorcycles, snowmobiles, four-wheeler, ski-doos, fun Jeep...

It was a very stark reality, on paper, of Smokey's immaturity and spending on himself over the years. This was especially stark after hearing, yet again, tell me my "lazy butt" WAS THE CAUSE OF HIS PROBLEMS--CURRENT AND PAST.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
LoisB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
GM,

Thanks for your feedback as always. I really appreciate it. I think this is a killer example for newbies to DB and Al-Anon and MLC and otherwise. I have years of Al-Anon under my belt. This is where the rubber meets the road when it comes to co-dependency.

I think the snarkiness helped me deflect some of the fear yesterday. Last night, I was left with overwhelming guilt...

I deflected my fear and hurt used the adrenalin to bite back. It was unnecessary and caused me more guilt in the long run. I do have guilt and that's ok. I know my actions yesterday caused someone I love to hurt. Someone who is sick. This feeling of guilt shows me that I'm still capable of compassion and I'm not as sick as he is. He was able to do unthinkable things to hurt me...I still feel guilt when my actions impact someone I care about. STILL, I DID NOT SWAY FROM PROTECTING MYSELF OR MY KIDS. I WALKED THROUGH THOSE FEELINGS.

This feeling that I am abandoning this person I love when he is so sick.

He is sick. Call it MLC/Addiction/Depression, whatever, he is a sick puppy. And, he is still someone I love dearly. I know, that in his sick mind, he feels as if I'm abandoning him. He has probably felt that way for awhile.

So, while I'm not responsible for the illness, I am allowed to feel compassion and sadness for his condition. I know he is hurting. As someone who loves him, the father of my children, I don't want him to hurt.

Quote:
And, I think I also feel some guilt because, for me, the roughest days are over. I've already experienced the anguish, grief, gut-wrenching stuff and I'm really ok now. I pushed through it. I have a feeling that his grief is just beginning and I feel terrible, like I am somehow causing it?? So weird. I know this man is terrible for me and I know I wouldn't choose him as he is.


It's kind nice to know, that after all this, I STILL feel compassion for him. He has hurt me and the kids in so many ways, but I'm glad to know that I don't feel the bitterness I thought I would. I have moments, but, at the end of the day, I still hurt knowing that my retaining an attorney would, in turn, hurt him.

Dealing with co-dependency and addiction and whatever, doesn't mean we can't still feel compassion and love and even hurt some for those who are sick. It just means I can't protect him from his well-earned consequences anymore.

Where I constantly hit the brick wall was in my trying to avoid Smokey's consequences--out of fear on my part.


It's ok to feel whatever feelings you have, as long as you step outta the way of the addict's consequences. I finally stepped outta the way. I have been standing, like a brick wall, between Smokey and his consequences--I finally took a few steps back and now it's like standing aside and watching the train hit him. It's hard. And scary. But, he has his journey.

I don't think Smokey ever woke up one day and said, "I think I'm going to destroy my marriage, kids and life today, on purpose."


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
LoisB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
I think my mom projects a lot. She has a lot of things she is avoiding and needs to confront financially. I think she has a tendency to over-analyze others and project in order to avoid her own issues. Not saying she doesn't have every right to be scared for me. I don't want to think how I would feel if one of my girls was in my position!! Ugh. Hope NOt!! Ever!!

But, I just identified this. My mom is the poster child for alcoholism, even though she has nearly 40 years sobriety...I think it comes very naturally to her to put the oxygen mask on herself first, before others...whereas, I always put the oxygen mask on others first.

She tends to project, avoid and get scared, then analyze. I need her to stop doing that with me. It's very addictive and I get wrapped up in it. We sit and analyze everything and everyone. It's not working for me anymore. It only provokes my anxiety. And, her analysis is always about fear and worry and more fear. She gets scared and analyzes to sorta put everyone and everything in it's "proper" place. Sometimes, you just gotta trust God.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
LoisB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
I'm sorry you lost your mom to this illness GM. I'm profoundly sorry. It seems very senseless, doesn't it. To those of us watching.

I'm sure she was CONSUMED by guilt. AND, I'M SURE SHE IS SOMEWHERE WISHING YOU WOULD LET THAT GUILT GO.

I believe with addiction, the soul remains unchanged. The addiction can eat away at everything, but the genuine spirit of the person is just hidden, not gone.

Wow, I really needed this conversation today. :-)

You're right...let the guilt go. There wasn't a damn thing you coulda done. Just like there wasn't a damn thing I can do about my H.

“Remember that we deal with alcohol-cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power – that One is God. May you find Him now!”


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
LoisB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
The attorney sent over the rough dissolution for me to look at. I'm afraid to open it. I will, but I'm full of emotions.

FIL told my atty that he wasn't sure if he was representing Smokey yet. I guess that may be a good sign.

Scary stuff, but I will plow through. I have some work to do tonight. Tried to rest today, was able to a lil.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Heather,
It's a bit late, but you should never take someone else's prescription, especially something like Paxil. Your doctor should be the only one prescribing it and he/she will be the one to determine if it's the right one for you. You are going to have to take it very slow in weaning yourself off of it because you don't want to end up with the jitters or something else.

About the weight gain...stress can do it to you as well. Not everyone will lose weight on the MLC diet.

If you have difficulty weaning off the prescription, call your MD and see what he/she suggestions...but you have to get off of them or go see the MD to see if this is the right meds for you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
And, yes, definitely, Paxil will pack the pounds on many people.

Page 8 of 10 1 2 6 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard