I know this sounds difficult, but this approach may help a little bit. Treat your h cordially as a distant business associate. You are pleasant, however you don't push anything. Keep focusing on detaching and you will soon find that you don't wonder what he thinks or why he acts that way or what he is thinking. The operate on sheer emotion so trying to figure out what is going on in their head is like trying to figure out how to solve PI. Don't bother!
Like BG said, you aren't excusing bad behavior. You can't control that part-only how you live and behave. Keep the focus on you and the kids and you feel positive momentum.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Georgia. Thanks for the advice. It is hard to detach and still be nice. After he monstered today I was a little fiesty ( not in my nature) back to him. I shocked myself as I do not normally get that way. Not what is recommended, but he did stop. The other thing is he is detached from me. How does it work if we both detach at same time?
Your h may be detached and he is also literally in his own world. It's all about him right now so what you do or say won't change anything. That's why detaching and being pleasant (I'm not sure "nice" is the right term) will help you. Your h is going along and will be this way for a while. You can't change that. However, you can change how you react.
I saw my h one night last week and it wasn't a DB success. I had done really and unfortunately let a few zingers fly. I shouldn't have, and it doesn't change one thing. That's why you focus on you. Make yourself happy so you can be happy without h and perhaps with him down the road. Just leave him be.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thanks so much for the advice. If I look back at beginning I have gotten better. I used to beg for him to stay and cry a ton. I did get more attention from him, but ow was going back to boyfriend and was only ea at that point. I am better at going and doing things with kids!! Which I really enjoy. I am not sure where we will end up, but I have learned a lot so far. Who knows maybe I will get that strong personality I have never had..lol
Scooby, The MLCer begins detachment a long time before the bomb drop, u.e., usually it begins in a very subtle way 18-24 months prior to the bomb drop.
We, on the other hand, have just learned of the "I want a divorce" or "I need to find myself", etc. comments, and that's why we are so emotional and shocked because it's all new to us. As we travel the Yellow Brick Road, you'll begin to reflect back on things and will actually start to see some of the things that were changing, but it wont' happen until you are far more stronger and have begun your own journey.
MLC is not for the faint of heart. You have to toughen your skin because there are going to be many days when your spouse acts out and says things that you wouldn't have ever thought he would say and do. Now, he's the mirror image of the "good" self. He'll be the opposite of the person you once knew. Learn to accept him for who he is today and do not "expect" him to be the man that he once was.
Keep the focus as much as possible on you. Find your footing and begin your journey of self discovery.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks do much. I really appreciate it. So does the countdown begin at bd or before? I have been trying to detach and gal. I am not there, but better. I have not been able to set boundaries, as he mows over. There really are no consequences to set. We still live in same home and he is one that wants divorce. He had always been dominant and stubborn. He always talked of temper, which I only saw towards others...now I am only one that sees it. Everyone else he is nice to. They however are starting to see the craziness.
I still can't stop feeling bad. Why didn't I see it coming? maybe I could have stopped it from getting so far. Feel bad for everything he perceives I did wrong.
Ugh!;; this is hard. But I know I am not done. I don't quit. It is in sickness and health and right now he is sick.
I still can't stop feeling bad. Why didn't I see it coming? maybe I could have stopped it from getting so far. Feel bad for everything he perceives I did wrong.
Honey, you cannot stop a freight train that is bearing down right at ya! Do you want to stand in it's path & get run over or get the HELL outta the way? That freight train is the MLCer. There's absolutely nothing you could have done to "stop it" in any shape, manner or way. Just let the train run its course and meander its way around.
Hi scooby, I'm no expert but I can tell you this, NOTHING you could have done or not done would have stopped your H's MLC! How do I know this? It's been 10 almost 11 months since B-day for me. At the start my W had a list of all the things about me that made me such a "bad" husband. Most were only in her head (she accused me of things that I never even thought of doing!)but some were things I could "fix". As I changed these things about myself all that happened was she would come up with NEW things (got so bad at one point she told me she hated the way I chew my food so has to divorce me!)or I heard the old "I shouldn't have had to tell you I wanted a divorce for you to change", even though I had no idea she was upset about any of these things!
Believe me it took me 6 months before I understood that none of this is about me! They don't like WHO THEY ARE!They are in pain and lashing out at the person who they see as in their way of their happiness...you. Also, try not to figure out "where" they are in their stages. I also did this for a long time (still do sometimes) and it's impossible. Just when you think they are coming out of, say, "replay", something will happen and you see they are nowhere near out of it yet!
At one point last Dec. my W actually wanted to be intimate with me! Out of the blue but welcome. A week later she is de-inviting me to her company X-Mass parties, wearing her sexyist clothes and coming back with stories about how she was dancing the night away with OM!Not even close to being finished with replay!Not only weren't things any better, they were worse!
Looking back I can see that her MLC started years before B-Day. The pulling away from and the kids, the going out with all her new "friends". They say B-Day comes about 1/2 way through so at best I have years before the end.You, like me,need to stop and try to stop spinning. While there is nothing we can do to make this go faster, we sure as heck can slow things down (another thing I learned the hard way!).
Hang in there scooby. You will get through this and will be better for it. I know that's hard to see now but things will get better, no matter what happens!
Thanks for responding. I am curious why you were asked to read my thread. Are our stories similar? I guess I question things BC I still am not sure if it is mlc, he is transforming self to ow(he has done that before), bipolar, or just cheating. If it is not mlc then I feel I am doing the wrong thing. So confused. Grrrr. I have been able to detach and gal some. He gets monster when I gal.
Is there a book that describes in mlc in depth? I have read info on site several times and db and Dr several times. But would like more reading, as it keeps my mind busy.
