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25yearsmlc #2447335 04/22/14 03:05 AM
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Is there an update besheeba


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
25yearsmlc #2447911 04/24/14 11:15 AM
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Beersha Offline OP
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Hi everyone.
It's been a while but I thought I'd jump on and let you know where things are at.

The situation hasn't changed really, but I think I have. He still is only rarely around, although he is asking about the children more. He still doesn't make them a priority to see when he has time off work, but is buying them things. He still won't tell me where he stays or who he is with. (Not that I ask anymore)

He still seems very conflicted. He still acts as if our house is still his home. He still refers to 'our' house, he still has his mail coming here. When I am here he sleeps in the spare room, but when I was away over Easter I noticed he slept in my (our old) bed.
He has finally deleted me from FB. He reacts in strange ways to things too. My D5 had a fund raiser portrait day. I told him about it but he never came. I went and got what turned out to be awesome pictures of the kids and me. When I shared them online he got very angry. It turns out he has barely mentioned what's going on to his family (his brothers and sisters), he accused me of not inviting him to the photo. I didn't understand this - did he want a picture of us all together? After that he said he was stopping his money into the joint account, and that was it. That was 2 weeks ago and he didn't do it. He still hasn't arranged mediation or taken any of that any further either. (That I know of anyway)

He worked over Easter, and I took the children to visit my family. On Tuesday it was our sons 2nd birthday, and he was home, and did the whole dinner and cake as family. Since he hasn't explained anything to children about what's happening, they are very confused by this. Even tonight he told them he still lives here, and wanted them to be asleep before he left. He needs to give them more credit. They are far smarter than that.

I am much more detached now. I don't contact him unless it's about the kids. And then it's brief. If he talks to me I'm polite, etc but I don't attempt to even make small talk anymore. He occasionally tells me things about his work etc. I just end up wondering why he is telling me these things.
I am trying up just get on with things really, make sure the kids and I are as ok as we can be financially, and I'm starting to get it together emotionally I think.
I still have the 'what's wrong with me' moments, moments where I feel so scared that this is as good as it will get for me. But I'm getting better, I can picture a life without him in it.

I realised recently though that I am not done. I still love him and I know that if he came home and said 'I'm sorry, let's try', I would welcome it.

I basically trying to take each day, each interaction at a time. I'm trying to not have expectations (if I do now they are more likely negative anyway). I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing really, no idea if things are moving in any sort of positive direction.


W 31
H 29
DD 5
DD 4
DS 20 months

Together 10 years
Married 2 years
Bomb 1/6/14
Beersha #2448040 04/24/14 07:32 PM
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Quote:
I basically trying to take each day, each interaction at a time. I'm trying to not have expectations (if I do now they are more likely negative anyway). I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing really, no idea if things are moving in any sort of positive direction.

You sound so much better, much more confident than you did a few weeks ago.

I'd say that's very positive.

zew #2448148 04/25/14 04:15 AM
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Beersha Offline OP
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Wow. I just read back over my thread. I have been so up and down. I mean I knew that but looking back at it, whoa. I have come a long way. I was really negative then. That was how he described me when he left. Maybe he was right.

One thing I have realised I haven't mentioned in all this is some history. In 2009 when I was 24 weeks pregnant with D4 he announced (just after we had signed a
Lease for a new rental) that he didn't love me and was done. He never moved out but disappeared for about 6 weeks. Finally he decided to talk to a C with me, and I thought we had worked through it and were stronger than ever. I. The 4 years since then we hit married, had our son, moved continents, bought our first home. So it's even a big 4 years. With plenty if opportunities to say 'I'm not sure' I would have thought if you had serious doubts about our relationship.

But now I'm wondering if maybe he was telling the truth in 2009, and has spent all this time trying to convince himself. It would make him an amazing actor, and me blind but maybe? My IC thinks he isn't well, his behaviour is too erratic and his personality change too complete. I don't know. I'm just missing him today, and our kids are struggling these past few days. They keep having sad moments and when I ask what's wrong they say they miss daddy. I just tell them I miss him too, and reinforce how loved they are, and to tell daddy how they feel.

I'm struggling a bit with GAL at the moment, trying to find things to do with the kids in tow. But I've made some new friends too which helps. Found a lot of strength in my faith too.
Preparing for the worst but hoping for the best pretty well sums me up at the moment.


W 31
H 29
DD 5
DD 4
DS 20 months

Together 10 years
Married 2 years
Bomb 1/6/14
Beersha #2448156 04/25/14 07:56 AM
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Seems to me that it's a common theme to have a complete change of personality and the whole re writing of history, to something that doesn't correspond to the remotest truth.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Ggrass #2453492 05/19/14 07:31 AM
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Beersha Offline OP
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Hi all,
Just an update/journalling I guess.

My H is around a lot more, generally staying 2-3 nights a week in the spare room. He still disappears to god knows where, I still suspect OW although he denies it. He isn't angry with me any more either which makes things much more comfortable between us. He is almost friendly sometimes, telling me things about his day, his friends. I'm very confused. He has opened a separate bank account, but hasn't moved his salary from our joint account. He hasn't mentioned mediation or. Anything like that for at least a month.

I am still trying to have no expectations, but it's hard. Out D6 has just started playing soccer and he has come to all her games with me, as a family. He helped me with her birthday party, and if you didn't know what has happened, you wouldn't have been able to tell. He even called me Pet like he always used to do. I'm trying not to get too hopeful but it does honestly seem positive to me.

What do I do next? Do I just keep going? He doesn't touch me, shows no affection, how do we get that back with him in the spare room? I feel like we are so close but still so far!


W 31
H 29
DD 5
DD 4
DS 20 months

Together 10 years
Married 2 years
Bomb 1/6/14
Beersha #2453496 05/19/14 08:51 AM
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How have you detached from him? What have you been doing to increase positive interactions with him? Take things one step at a time.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Beersha #2453506 05/19/14 11:40 AM
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Well, I pretty much just get on with it. I organise mine and the children's lives the best I can. We do everything whether he is around or not. I don't ask him to come but he is informed. I'm struggling a little with the GALing due to financial and babysitting constraints, but I'm doing little things, like listening to a radio station I loved but he hates. I go to church a lot more too.

I'm trying be friendly and happy around him, like someone you would want to be around. Apart from that I'm sort of stuck for want to do.


W 31
H 29
DD 5
DD 4
DS 20 months

Together 10 years
Married 2 years
Bomb 1/6/14
Beersha #2476238 08/06/14 02:23 AM
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Phew. Been a while. I really need some support right now.

So since my last post my H had virtually moved back in, we were doing things together as a family again. Everyone seemed happier.
We were even intimate again. And then i found proof of his infidelity (on my birthday no less). But that was ok, i already knew it deep down, and it seemed to trigger some of the necessary, hard conversations.
Things sort of stagnated there though, he wouldn't commit to whatever it was that he wanted. So we plodded on, baby steps and all that.
Until last night. I let my insecurities and fears get the better of me, and i picked a fight. I tried to force him to talk to me, doing all the things he says he is leaving because of (not listening properly to him is a big one) I should have just let it drop, but i didn't and he left again. He says he has tried and can't anymore. He only told me what the problems were for him last week! He refuses to talk to a MC or anyone.
So now i feel like i have ruined everything. All the effort so far, destroyed by one moment of insecurity.


W 31
H 29
DD 5
DD 4
DS 20 months

Together 10 years
Married 2 years
Bomb 1/6/14
Beersha #2476244 08/06/14 02:35 AM
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Why did you allow your H to move back in? Did the two of you decide to reconcile? When you said you discovered OW, did you mean that he never ended it?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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