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It's a book. It will only take you a couple hours to read.


Me: 39
H: 45
Second marriage for both
H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 34
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hope76 Offline OP
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One thing i am a little confused about is whether I should keep up with my wifely things, such as cooking dinner, doing the laundry for him, baking things. Or should i let him fend for himself? The problem is, he doesn't mind fending for himself. And I worry that he just might forget that i can at least take care of those types of things.

Today he worked on fixing the drywall in the house, prepping the house to sell. We still have alot to do to it to get it sold.

When he is in the house, he is all upbeat talking to the dog, or even talking to me about general stuff. How can he be upbeat with this situation?

Me-56 Him-55
2nd marriage for both of us
We each have 2 childen, 6 grandkids.
Married 13 years, met 14 years
Still sleeping in the same bedroom but diff beds.
No sex for over 1 year

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I am reading the Divorce Remedy book and need some help with writing goals. We are not arguing, so cant see much improvement there. One goal i eventually want to see is that he is not sitting at the counter with those bleeping headphones on. At this point it seems like a big one. What type of goals could I try to set as baby steps? Would a good one be to be more appreciative to him for anything that he might do for me? I think that might be a good one. Its something i have control of and can then monitor if the responses to this are changing. What do you think?

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I have another question - i am re-reading chapter 1 - Well-meaning friends and family. My family/friends have been nothing less than supporting. His family on the other hand is do what you have to do, etc. I am sure the differences are based on how we each are seeing the problems we have.

Is there anything that can be done to offset 'his' family sabbotaging or supporting his divorce/sellout/move ideas?

Me-56 Him-55
2nd marriage for both of us
We each have 2 childen, 6 grandkids.
Married 13 years, met 14 years
Still sleeping in the same bedroom but diff beds.
No sex for over 1 yea

Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 34
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hope76 Offline OP
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So tonight I noticed that when I got home from the gym he closed up shop and came in the house. I cooked dinner and we had some pleasant business conversations. I just noticed that he wasnt as 'cold' as he has been. He is currently at the counter with those bleeping headphones. Baby steps. Maybe this all means nothing. But i am going to keep up my positive vibes and watching for ways to thank him for those little things he does.

Me-56 Him-55
2nd marriage for both of us
We each have 2 childen, 6 grandkids.
Married 13 years, met 14 years
Still sleeping in the same bedroom but diff beds.
No sex for over 1 yea

Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 456
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In regards to his family and support/lack of support: don't focus on it. You have no idea what they have been told or what they have told him.

He needs to make decisions based on his thoughts, not other people's opinions. You have no control over that, but it's the reality of your sitch (I'm in the same boat, btw)


Me: 39
H: 45
Second marriage for both
H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 34
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Artsy, thanks. Have you been able to make any progress with your situation at all? I hope you are able to turn things around.

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Can anyone help me with my previous post about goals?
I am reading the Divorce Remedy book and need some help with writing goals. We are not arguing, so cant see much improvement there. One goal i eventually want to see is that he is not sitting at the counter with those bleeping headphones on. At this point it seems like a big one. What type of goals could I try to set as baby steps? Would a good one be to be more appreciative to him for anything that he might do for me? Its something i have control of and can then monitor if the responses to this are changing. What do you think?

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Thanks for asking- no movement with my H. He's hiding right now, but my GAL is rockin, so it's okay! I am truly working on me right now- figuring out what compassion looks/feels like, exploring my spirituality, spending time with D12, and keeping busy. I'm alright smile (in my worst moments, I remind myself I'm not 46 years old and living on a blow-up mattress on the floor in my friend's basement. I truly am better off than H).

As far as goals, maybe swap the headphones issue out with a quality/casual time goal. Like you spend an extra hour (or whatever) doing "x" activity with your H. That way the headphones stay off for that time. Is he listening to music? Maybe figure out a way to incorporate music in to your time with him.

Have you taken the 5Love Languages questinaire? That will give you a category to start with. Men need to feel respected, though, so showing him appreciation won't hurt!


Me: 39
H: 45
Second marriage for both
H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
Joined: Dec 2013
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hope, one of the challenges about setting goals is turning them into actionable steps that you can take, that are within your control. So, getting your H to stop with the headphones isn't an action step you personally can take, but maybe there's something else you can do, like artsy suggested, to engage him in a different way. Appreciation when it's genuine and not forced can't hurt. I think 25years posts sometimes on people's threads about "applauding the 1% of the positives they DO do." It certainly can be hard. The 5 Love Languages book gives you some good activities to do if you struggle with that (I know I do!), like finding one thing to compliment a day, or noticing when you hear that love language from other sources (TV, out in public, etc.) and jotting down ideas you like.

Re: doing wifely things like cooking and cleaning, I think it depends on what you feel comfortable with or would want to do anyways. If you find yourself doing things and then being resentful that your H doesn't reciprocate or respond, that's not good. I did a lot of things at first because my H had made a comment that I didn't do my "share" of chores so I tried to 180 that. Over time and as I realized it was making me angry, I decided to just take care of my own cooking, dishes, laundry, etc. and he does his own now. I don't know that there's a right or wrong answer.

My H is also upbeat when we're not talking about "us", and it's very confusing. He'll be all nice to the cat, sing songs to himself, talk to me about what the neighbors are up to or things about his day... but as soon as anything about D or his stance comes up, it's like the gate comes slamming down. I don't know if it's a defense mechanism (he has told me he's been trying to stay busy to "avoid thinking about it") or if he's happy because he sees the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.. who really knows! Try your best not to concern yourself with it and maintain a positive attitude yourself.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
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