Reaching out for support and advice 4

[3boymom]

Hi Blues - I was actually thinking about you and wondering how things were going. It is good to see that your H is working on his relationship with his mom and your D. I have read on here several times that the WAS ends the relationship with the LBS first and then friends and family. Once they start reconnecting, they start reconnecting with friends and family and the LSB is last.

You really do sound strong. You will be in my thoughts the next couple of weeks. Just keep reminding yourself to stay off his rollercoaster! Keep us updated.

[Wonka]

Blues,

This is almost parallel to what Raine went through with H. Wow! Positive steps. It would be good to revisit Raine's thread again to gather some ideas.

Yep, the MLCer slowly reconnects with the loved ones and you'll be the last person H will reconnect with as a part of the self-integration process. Time is on your side and just continue being patient. You are the lighthouse to H and drawing him back to you.

On one hand, I think moving home means he has to be part of the family, own his mistakes, blah blah.

I am not seeing it that way, Blues.

Moving back home means he's slowly getting more and more comfortable with being around because he's learning to come to terms with the fact that his misery was INTERNAL. He's slowly coming to this realization. Not exactly a light-bulb moment. It comes in dribbles here and there.

He talks future, future, future, but is still in replay and if asked will say he "doesn't see me that way". I am so confused. I guess I just need to buckle my seatbelt for the week to come.

Don't let H's words confuse you. Just watch for his actions. They are the key to his internal process. Sometimes it will be wonky from time to time. FYI...I have zero influence on this despite my wonky Wonka name!

Please be advised that the re-integration into the family will take another 12 to 18 months in the journey.

You've done so well on this crazy, wonky journey...what's a coupla more months?! Right?

[bluesgal]

Thanks 3! Yes, stay off the rollercoaster. That is actually getting much easier. I just read through all of hrm134 posts and really gained a new perspective with that. All the craziness and hairpin turns are not just my experience.

Wonka-I'm always glad to hear from you. And, yes, I expect things to be "wonky"

H was up on Monday and down yesterday. He went into work late again due to his anxiety and inability to sleep. I just told him I hope things get better for him and listened to him. I am actually getting very good at that. Listening wasn't always my best quality. This DB stuff really does benefit the LBS, too.

[scooby]

Blues

I feel for you. My h had not left but keeps threatening divorce. It is hard to only be roommates. I wish you luck. Good job reading threads, you are more than prepared now

[juliegayle]

Blues. You sound strong. You have been dealing with so much and I think you are in a good place to deal with new developments.

Good luck. Looking forward to seeing how things go.

[Wonka]

I just told him I hope things get better for him and listened to him. I am actually getting very good at that. Listening wasn't always my best quality. This DB stuff really does benefit the LBS, too.

Absolutely, it does!

[bluesgal]

Update and journal:

H is home. He hasn't officially 'moved in' because we have been crazy busy all weekend but I overheard him tell the kids he is home now. There have been some interesting movements on his part.

When he came to visit the kids on Friday, I was going for an evening walk with the kids and he voluntarily came with. I didn't even ask him. Family walks have been something we have done for 15 years. Last summer these ended. His last walk was slow, detached, and distant. Not the normal talking and family time we would have. On Friday, he came with and was as normal as he gets for the state of mind he's in. He later had supper with us and followed me around the yard talking.

Saturday was prom for our daughter and the day was a whirlwind. We had so much fun. It was a real bonding time for our family. We went out with close friends while the prom kids went to dinner and dance and we had a great time. So much laughing and joking and story telling. H saw some interesting antique tables at a restaurant we were at and he came over to me so I would come look at them...something he always used to do. There was a lot of brief touches on my shoulder or back when he went by me...far from the body contortions he used to do in order to avoid me. He told several stories that were about positive events in our marriage and family. We got home and stayed up until 3:30am talking and laughing about the night. He stayed over for the first time in 3 months and slept on the couch. I covered him up with a blanket.

Today we had a great day of lounging and friends over for dinner...just like old times. We ate well and had lots of laughs. After they left, he invited me to watch a tv show we used to watch. Put the kids to bed and we went out to the kitchen and talked for about an hour. He had good body language and even sat down on the countertop to keep talking. This time the talks were more serious-like about a sports issue with our D and then even more serious-about his parents. H opened up about some internal issues he has with his mother. He talked about his guilt and feelings of inadequacy and how he felt discouraged by them and he never had the opportunity to live up to his potential. He has feelings of regret that he didn't do and accomplish more when he was younger that would have led to more things to be proud of now.

The more time we spend together, the less awkward things are. I just keep doing my own thing and giving lots of space. He has a very low tolerance for stress and noise. I am pleasantly surprised at how easy this weekend has been. I really anticipated instant anger and was ready to really 180 my reactions. I suppose I can expect the low to follow this high. I am just so thankful to be building a friendship again. He has really been following me around and talking. This is so different than how he has been the past year.

One last thing. H took off his dress shirt and put it in the laundry bin...he hasn't put his laundry in with ours since last summer.

[Georgiabelle]

BG,

Sounds like you had a good weekend and things are going well. Hang in there:)

[artsy]

Blues,
So glad you had a great weekend! Keep strong and stay off the roller coaster!! We are eagerly waiting for updates and hoping for the best!!!

[bluesgal]

H has been home for 5 days. Everything seems so normal sometimes and sometimes so different. No talks about anything of importance. If I need something done, I do it myself. H is very calm-cycling low again. Sleeping a lot-which is good. I am so glad that the anxiety and restlessness hasn't shown up again, yet. That's tough to deal with and hard to watch someone suffer with.

I've had warm meals on the table every night. The kids have been taken care of completely and the house is quiet and peaceful when he gets there. I think he was expecting to come home to chaos and arguments or questioning. Ahhh, not for this 180ing gal. He says hi when he gets home and asks how my day was. It's simple things like these that us LBS long for and appreciate when/if they actually ever happen. I am so thankful for a peaceful week so far.

He joins me in the living room and watches TV and makes small talk. He has repeated himself several times lately-good ole MLC memory loss with the fog. H has a counseling apt today-Wow! He actually made another one! I am trying to stay strong, friendly, do my own thing and smile and listen. A lot of keeping my mouth shut and lots of space.

I am doing stuff for me. I get home with the kids and we crank some tunes and get housework/homework/supper done. Then, wind down when H gets here. I really think that's better for him right now and I still get to have the fun stuff with the kiddos.

And after the last 2 years of him complaining about the house being a "disaster" since we are always on the go, he told me last night that the house looked clean. I simply said thank you