"I can't imagine." "I can only be happy if ____ happens." "If I have ____ I will be happy." The focus right now is what it is you don't have and when we do that, acceptance CAN'T happen. Peace CAN'T happen. I'm QUEEN of this. It is was led to my original marital breakdown. I thought I could not be happy because I was taken from my home, friends and family and moved halfway across the country. Then my husband left, then I realized what unhappy was all about. Then my focus moved to that. Then I had to leave my job of 15 years because H worked there and so did his gf. I felt so much injustice. So much. Lots of crap happened after that to compound an already terrible problem. And my focus turned to the injustice of all of that. One day it clicked, though, that idea of acceptance...
As trite as it sounds, we have one life. And we live that life where we are focused. We can focus on the unhappiness and the injustice or we can focus on something new. I ended up starting my own business. I started taking seminary classes (something I longed to do for years). I built a life around health and fitness and challenging myself there. And yes, one day my husband came home and my focus had to be on the good that was happening rather than the hurt I was feeling. Do I think I'm on the other side of any of this? No. I'm scared to say that. But I do think that I'm making good progress. And I can tell you right now that I'd do every bit of it all over again to get me where I am today. There has been so much healing in me... even things that had absolutely nothing to do with my marital breakdown. Me starting my own business would have been laughable to me 2 years ago and yet here I am and just landed an account that people who have been in the business for 20 years couldn't land. That's credit to God, btw, not me. His plan was way bigger than my own.
My point is? I would love to see you focused elsewhere now. You have been dealt a horrible hand in some ways. God didn't see it fit to give me children (I have my own heartbreak because of that) but I know simply saying goodbye to my nieces and nephew sends me into a panic attack. So I cannot imagine what you are going through. But what those insightful others above are saying is so right. Pour yourself into books and research on how to make these transitions better for your precious son. How do you get yourself more time with your boy? What have you always wanted to do that you have been too afraid or to busy to do? Anything new you want to learn? There are a world of possibilities. I do not want at all to diminish the pain about your son. But some of this you cannot change. So I want you to open your mind to what happiness could mean in your life if this particular door is closing. You are such a good man. You have made wonderful changes in your life. Just keep going. It looks to me like you have a whole cheering section for yourself here.
I once had a very wise DBer pass on a quote, that still resonates within me....
Sometimes, the Harvest that we will reap, isn't from the fields that we have sewn..
It took me a few weeks of thinking to REALLY understand what she meant with this, and I hope that it will mean the same to you one day...
Look, she stole the rocking chair off of your front porch, and with that, I mean that she stole your dream of growing old with her, and what you expected your life to look like....
You are going to miss her in your life, thats just the way that it is, and you cannot change that. Actually, if you DID change that, I would worry more about you.....
That speaks volumes about the person that you have become...
Her actions can only control what you allow them to control, and I think that you are placing way too much emphasis on her new love interest, and the effect that it will, or will not have on your Son....
Sometimes, looking into our children's eyes causes a lot of pain.
You will see the traits that they have of our Ex.
If you CHOOSE to only see that, then you will be choosing the pain associated with that.
Life is about perception, who is cheating who. Who is getting more from something than you...
It can also be turned to the other extreme.....
You can CHOOSE to see the traits that he has, that came from you..
You can choose to see what you are getting, that no other person will ever get....if you choose that
You are his Father...no matter what....and you will ALWAYS be...
You have a deep love for your ex still, nobody can deny that.
The greatest form of loving another, is the selfless act of letting them go....
I still love my vows, everyday. I have been Divorced now for almost 3 years...
I still love her...just in a different way...
I still honor her...by honoring her quest to find her happiness..
And I still Cherish her, and the memories that we had together...
I knew my Ex's OM. And as hard as it was to do, when my children told me that they had been introduced to him, I looked them both in the eye, and told them;
As strange as it is, he makes your Mother happy. He is a pretty smart guy, and he will have a lot to offer you, if you let him in and accept him. Don't ever feel like you are betraying me, by liking him. You owe that amount of respect to your Mother.
This anger stage that you have been dealing with, can propel you to new heights....IF....you choose to deal with it in a healthy way....
Anger is usually the fuel that we need, to propel us to the next phase of our life. And typically, when anger is present, you will find yourself on the cusp of major change in your life
When I read your thread a few days ago, I thought of the same story lostinscared quoted.
Crim, you're keeping yourself stuck and I would guess it's because of fear. You're holding onto everything so tightly that there's no room for change. You're holding on to your XW, your anger, your son, and now resentment about her BF and him having a R with your son.
There's a great big wonderful world waiting for you out there but you have to let go of that giant Bag-o-Crap you're carrying.
Your happiness is inside you, let it out.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Long time no see, Mach....I am grateful as always for your post and advice. Truly. I think I am exiting the anger stage sort of and entering general sadness -- I guess that is part of the process as well. The hatred that I had two weeks ago has kind of given way to a heavy, heavy feeling of loss....feelings of envy directed towards XW and OM....and an awkward call (divine, maybe?) to continue to do the right things and be kind and respectful to my EX - even though it is difficult to do so at times. I think the anger and hatred is passing.....it may be back, probably will be....but it is subsiding for now.
To carry on the rocking chair metaphor, I think over the last SEVERAL months I grew OK with the fact that my rocking chair was stolen. Seeing someone else sitting in it now, playing with my son -- that is a tough one.
LIS -- So many thank-yous for sharing pieces of your story. Your last few posts have been very helpful to me and I am grateful for them and have read and reread them a few times. The sad truth is I really don't know what makes me happy anymore. I was trying to explain to a friend a few weeks ago that it seems like ever since BD the color was sucked out of my world in a sense and things just look kind of dull or grey. Without knowing it I think I pegged a lot of happiness on being married and being a father and never thought that those things would be altered. I will make an effort to try and focus on the things that I do have and not the things that I have lost. I know that I have become a much, much better dad in this process....that is undeniable. My bond with my little guy is amazing and we might be the favorite person in each other's lives. Even though I do not have the time with him that I had dreamed of, I am glad for what I do have - even if our goodbyes are always hard. I also no that on my own I have become a better husband and have worked hard to improve my relationship and communication skills. I have realized my old selfishnesses and other bad behaviors and work to correct them....I have made progress. I WISH my XW saw and valued any of this or better yet sought to reclaim any of it - but that seems not to be in the realm of "things" right now. But I am content to say I am a better man.
Furthermore, and I have not said this on the board before, I learn and very, very valuable lesson: humility. I have been humbled beyond belief. The argument that lead up to XW wanting divorce had me say "If I am making your life worse instead of better then leave!".....openly daring her to do so because I knew....KNEW that she wouldn't do it. Well, she took me up on it and never looked back. No humility then....just an undying drive to be right and validated. Seriously - I basically dared her to leave. I wish I could go back in time and kick my own a$$. So anyway, yeah, I have been humbled. I never knew I was so prideful or filled with hubris until all of this happened and that is probably what resulted in my taking so many things for granted and not appreciating the things that I had when my M and my S. I thought that they would be there forever....I got lazy....unappreciative.....and ultimate lost site of what mattered. It took losing it to really understand the value. Story as old as the hills, and I wrote my page in it.
I woke up this morning at around 2:30 or so. My mind is alway vulnerable when I first wake up because my defenses are dropped. My head went right to my situation right now and I literally asked God out loud for help with peace and acceptance....even asked if he was THERE in the first place. As it relates to learning humility above, I also asked God to forgive me for not truly appreciating the gift he had given me in a wife and a son when I had it. There is a spot I go to in my room sometimes when am feeling low or pray or both (as was the case at 2:30 AM). Again, I was presented with the notion to continue to choose love and kindness for XW, not in pursuit - but because it is the right this for all of us right now. And maybe it was the posts and words of others but I also felt I was being told to keep faith and not to expect for things to unfold/happen on MY schedule - but on His....and that there is still work to be done on/for my XW. Whatever that means. It gave me enough peace to get back to sleep for awhile. I'll say again, I never know if it is something divine giving me those messages or my own head.
I rarely ask for a poster's input (maybe once before) but I still have some many questions about your last post, 25. Like what does "goodness" from me look like from the perspective of XW? I don't know....there's other stuff, too....just looking for what you have to say.
Just saw your post, Bug.....I am trying. And yes, I am riddled with fear. And it is embarrassing - I want to be naturally stronger, braver than I really am and often I hate myself for not being able to flip a switch and just not care anymore....about her....about being a part-time dad....about OM....about everything.
Full naked transparency? Here it is, and it is embarrassing look into my own insecurities and psyche but I'll share with you guys.....
I am afraid that OM is better than me in every. single. way. Smarter, better looking, better in bed, more attentive to her than I was, wittier, more thoughtful, more caring, wants a baby with her ASAP, is just amazing with our son. I am afraid that he is the antithesis of the totality of everything that XW ever hated in me....and she is so drawn to that that despite my growth and change it is something I couldn't dare to even DREAM of competing with that. I am afraid that she looks at hime with the loving eyes that she used to look at me with. I am afraid that I am completely, 100% lost in the shadow of whatever greatness she sees in him and it makes me feel insignificant, rejected, inadequate, lesser-than, and as if I am the true loser in all of this....otherwise, XW would have seen my value and worth by now. I feel as though she is happy and on cloud nine right now....while I am left behind - still.
This ^^^^ is pathetic, and embarrassing but it is where my head has been. And I know it makes me look weak and defeated....but I am just trying to be honest in the hopes that I can get past it.
I am also sorry for over-posting lately. I tend to be here a lot during times of duress looking for insight and support. This is for sure one of those times.
Long time no see, Mach....I am grateful as always for your post and advice. Truly. I think I am exiting the anger stage sort of and entering general sadness -- I guess that is part of the process as well. The hatred that I had two weeks ago has kind of given way to a heavy, heavy feeling of loss....feelings of envy directed towards XW and OM....and an awkward call (divine, maybe?) to continue to do the right things and be kind and respectful to my EX - even though it is difficult to do so at times. I think the anger and hatred is passing.....it may be back, probably will be....but it is subsiding for now.
To carry on the rocking chair metaphor, I think over the last SEVERAL months I grew OK with the fact that my rocking chair was stolen. Seeing someone else sitting in it now, playing with my son -- that is a tough one.
You get to build that too....
Originally Posted By: Crimson
I am afraid that OM is better than me in every. single. way. Smarter, better looking, better in bed, more attentive to her than I was, wittier, more thoughtful, more caring, wants a baby with her ASAP, is just amazing with our son. I am afraid that he is the antithesis of the totality of everything that XW ever hated in me....and she is so drawn to that that despite my growth and change it is something I couldn't dare to even DREAM of competing with that. I am afraid that she looks at hime with the loving eyes that she used to look at me with. I am afraid that I am completely, 100% lost in the shadow of whatever greatness she sees in him and it makes me feel insignificant, rejected, inadequate, lesser-than, and as if I am the true loser in all of this....otherwise, XW would have seen my value and worth by now. I feel as though she is happy and on cloud nine right now....while I am left behind - still.
While all of that ^^^ may be true....
None of that compares with what you have to offer...
Yea...he may be all of that, yet he hasn't been through what you have....
No person in their "right" mind would ever choose this Crimson...
And the ONLY person that you ever have to compare yourself to, is that funny lookin dude in the mirror... : )
You set your path buddy, nobody else gets to be you, judge you, or have what you have inside....
They can only envy, and try to imitate you from a distance...
