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Joined: Mar 2012
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Hey KML.

I do have a lot of friends. But most of my "pre-marital" friends are back in Indiana. It's hard to get back there often because of the kids' schedules and now my car is not too reliable so I don't drive there often. I do have lots of work friends and friends I have met through the years and I am trying to get new friends through church.

I talk to friends often on the phone but it is hard to connect with busy schedules, etc. I haven't hosted anything at my place yet because of everything going on but once things are final I am having a party. You bet. I am trying to save money so I have put a hold on going out to lunch and happy hours with friends for now. I do have lots of good friends, but I just don't talk about them too much. I do have a great single friend. She was friends with H long before I knew him. It really torks H off that she is still close to me. She thinks he is an absolute @$$ now. He texted her a few months ago and "shamed" her for dismissing their long, established friendship and believing my lies. But she lives in another state and works in healthcare so her work hours are crazy. We are trying to plan a getaway for this summer.

I will check out the "Penny Hoarder". I think I am doing good. It's just easy to get discouraged and overwhelmed. It's part of my anxiety. I am focusing on saving and paying down debts a little at a time until I get a good savings established.

And yes, it is good that H directs his anger at my attorney. Of course that doesn't stop him from lecturing me about it. I try to tell H to talk to the attorney, not me. But he doesn't listen. So I try not to listen either. I need to let it roll off me more. Like water off a quack's back.

WH


AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
J marries OW 1/24/15
"No matter where you go, there you are"
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Posts: 2,910
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Just googled "The Penny Hoarder".

Oh yeah...I've seen this guy. I was reading this stuff last week. I wondered if it was really legit!!! If you approve of it, KML, then I will continue on.

WH


AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
J marries OW 1/24/15
"No matter where you go, there you are"
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Well, I just ran across it yesterday, so don't know too much about it, but I have heard of people making money through surveys and stuff before.

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Okay, I saw some things I might be able to do. I'll check it out in more detail tonight. I am a little leery, but I will be cautious.

In other news, I said I wasn't going to spend money, but I found a Barbie bike on Craigslist for D for $30. I figure she is going to need a bike so if it is good shape I will pick it up for her. Then we will be able to ride our bikes to the park on weekends. Or she can ride and I can walk or jog. Good cheap exercise. We live closer to the parks and now we actually have sidewalks we can ride on.

Trying to stay positive.

WH


AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
J marries OW 1/24/15
"No matter where you go, there you are"
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 2,910
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Man I am really missing my kid's tonight. S texted me and said he was sorry he didn't call (I wanted to talk to him and D) but they were in the car almost all day. I feel bad for them being swung here and there by that miserable bajagaloop (thanks to Sophia from the Golden Girls). H is all about H and what H wants. They have been planted the last two days in OW's house. Why the huge back and forth? He tells the kids that they are his first priority. Actions speak louder than words.

Thinking about things and how I feel about H these past few days I realize that this seed of anger and contempt for H has been growing for the past few years. Subtle comments he would make. Disrespect and a condescending attitude toward me. I remember how he would get so upset before we were married and had the kids that I would get home from work and put my hair up, wash my makeup off and put comfy clothes on. He said he didn't like it. I remember all the ways he made me feel bad about myself. Little bits of scarring here and there. And I put up with it. Not realizing what it was really doing to me. I can see the dysfunction and how it grew and how I protected my kids from it. Now there is nothing protecting them from it. Only another woman who possibly thrives off the dysfunction or at the very least is clueless about it and is defending H to the hilt like I once foolishly did.

So much introspection. So many questions. I was naive. I wanted to make it work. But honestly it could have never worked with someone like H. It will never work with H. Put any other woman into the equation with H. It won't work. I'm not saying I don't have things to work out, but at least I am trying to become a better person. At least I am analyzing myself. At least I am trying to see what happened. And at least I realize it would have happened even if it wasn't with me.

Sure there are still moments of doubt where I think it's my fault. Those moments are fewer and farther between. H has issues. That's obvious. I don't know if I had done things any differently if things would have been better? Probably not. I wish things could have been different for my kids sake.

So there is this seed of contempt for H deep within me. I don't know how long it will take to work this out. He has poisoned me deeply. It's really hard for me to think he has any decency or love within his soul. There are moments I think he is pure evil. But then there are moments I pity him. H has no real friends. He has OW and maybe her parents. That isn't much. I dont think his kids will want much to do with him as they get older and his own family has never had his back.

I on the other hand am blessed. I have friends, family, church and my wonderful kids. I am healthy, I have a good job, a roof over my head and food on my plate. And I have a clean conscience at the end of the day. That's more than a lot of people have.

Not sure what I am trying to get at here. This is kind of stream of consciousness writing. But it's late and I'm a bit punchy. I better get some sleep.

WH


AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
J marries OW 1/24/15
"No matter where you go, there you are"
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Can I suggest that you're doing exactly what you need to do? You're processing the events of the past several years. Something you've put off for a long time and now you have the time and safety to do so...

As a suggestion - keep doing it, but break some of those items up into workable pieces as time goes on. There's no hurry, WH. You'll get to them when you get to them.

At some point, the comparisons won't be necessary any longer either. But to be honest, it's what you've known for a while. It seems reasonable to do it this way, to me. Just know it won't (you won't let it) last forever and it's safe to go through these feelings.

You might want to consider, if you haven't already, some physical outlet for the anger and contempt.

Just some thoughts.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Thank you AJ.

I had another brainstorm when driving into work this morning. I thought about my mother and my stepfather and H's interactions with them. And I started to connect the dots. Whenever my mom or stepdad would have a close friend come over (or even my own brothers for that matter) and do something for them, if my mom or stepdad gave them money or did something nice for them H would get angry and tell my mom or stepdad how those people were "users" and taking advantage of them. I remember a pretty specific incident with my stepdad where H did some talking and my stepdad had a falling out with a friend he had for years. Then I think how we never really had any close friends. Or if we did have good friends suddenly H would start bad-mouthing them and we wouldn't do things with them anymore. I remember how he would bad-mouth my friends. He would always do this in a very subtle way. Kind of like a snowball effect. When I started re-connecting with old friends on Facebook, H couldn't bad mouth friends he knew nothing about, so he started bad-mouthing Facebook in general, but in reality a lot of the interactions I had were with his own family. Which he would bad-mouth as well.

H is poison to relationships. He is toxic. I know this is obvious to many of you, but it goes back a ways into our history together. And when another puzzle piece fits into place it is like a huge AHA moment for me. He is jealous and insecure. He is absolutely incapable of making and maintaining relationships that are meaningful and not superficial. And whenever someone "close" to him develops a relationship with another person (as innocent and innocuous as it may be) H is threatened and he feels the need to stifle that other relationship. This explains another part of the reason why H hates my attorney so much. My attorney and I have a relationship. It's professional, but that doesn't matter to H. That is one of the many reasons why H is trying to disprove my attorney and cause me to lose faith in him.

This is nuts. And like I said, not a huge surprise to any of you, but it's part of the healing for me. And it's part of the breakdown of our relationship. It doesn't just apply to me. It is why he has to bash his other family members in front of his mother. It is why he criticizes his co-workers in front of his boss. It is why he talked down about my friends and family to me. He will probably do this to the kids in the future unless I instill some preventative measures and speak truth to them often.

I almost feel like I am cleansing my soul. Purging of the negative energy and the toxic vibes. I do need some physical activity to help release the toxicity of this relationship. I never realized how toxic it was until I stepped away.

WH


AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
J marries OW 1/24/15
"No matter where you go, there you are"
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 2,910
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Dateline: April 25, 2014. De novo hearing. Two words: no dice.

H's de novo hearing went no where. The judge didn't even know wny we were there. The judge started off with explaining to H that if he thought support would be reduced he was dead wrong. The judge explained "Mr H I have reviewed the court commissioner's findings and I think he was very lenient in what support was ordered. If You really feel the need to do these proceedings over I need to warn you that I could very well and more than likely will increase the amount you are to pay Ms H." The judge announced what he would have H pay and my eyes bugged out of my head. H backed down on that motion immediately.

The only other item that was discussed was the fact that H didn't get half my bonus this past December even though I tried to give it to him. So at the end the judge said "so Mr H the only thing on your list that needs discussion is the $275 you feel WH owes you?". H said yes. So he made a huge fool of himself in front of the judge.

We were ordered to financial mediation which I have to pay half of. It's stupid but my attorney said it may be the only way H sees the light. H is getting bad advice. He's making an absolute fool of himself.

So I'm at the park with the kid's. They are playing soccer With S's GF and her sisters. Nice day. I brought a bunch of snacks to the park so we are having a quasi picnic. Then We are taking S to get his hair cut and for ice cream and pick up a bike helmet for D.

Had a nice night last night with some friends after work. Learned how to play tabletop shuffleboard. I'm not much of a game player but I'm GAL'ing. It was fun! Next I need to learn pool and poker! Lol.

Life is looking up. At least for today.

WH


AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
J marries OW 1/24/15
"No matter where you go, there you are"
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Posts: 5,666
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I'm so glad Wishing!! Very cool. I wish we all coulda been there when the Judge threatened to up his support payments!! :-)


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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I'm happy to hear that the judge put your h in his place. He didn't get what he wanted. He thought he had it all neatly tied up with a pretty little bow. I'm so glad that judge busted him. I would have dearly loved to have been a fly on that wall to see how your h reacted.

Enjoy your weekend.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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