She left - 3

[gogofo]

So here is how my evening ended.

Went home and laid in bed for an hour reading before I was going to head to my parents for dinner. W called and I let it go without answering, usually answer when she calls. Waited about 5 minutes and called her back. She was taking kids to dinner and said they wanted me to attend if I could. I act like I could change my plans and show up to dinner.

I find it interesting that when I have the kids they never ask for mommy to show up or for me to call her, etc. It makes me feel unbelievable proud of myself that the kids ask for their daddy when they are with mommy, she used to be all they cared about which is common for young kids.

I felt conflicted about going because I have yet to really act scarce and busy when she extends an invitation involving children. It was one of my 180s to always be available for kids and family and it is also hard not to want to attend when we have enjoyable “family” times. I also had plans to take the kids to look at a train that was going to be in town yesterday at 7:30, so this would make it easier. I also want to show the W who I am now and make love bank deposits with her.

Dinner was good and I brought up that I want to take the kids to see the train from 7:30 to 8:30. Earlier during dinner she said she had a couple papers due and one was due Wednesday at 12:00. I said “you are welcome to join us, but I don’t want to interfere with your school work.” She agrees to go but wants to change out of her dress, which I say was probably a good idea since she would be stealing all of the attention away from the train; she was embarrassed/flattered.

Went to her place, hung out for 20 minutes and loaded up for our trip. I was excited to see the train and when we approached the depot, no one was there. In my excitement I failed to see that I had the correct day of the week but not the date, I was off by two weeks. I laughed and was embarrassed, she teased me and said the “I was never good with details”. Note one more are of person improvement to work on.

For “punishment” I took her to Starbucks and got the kids cookies and headed back to her place. The kids wanted to go to the park so we stopped and played together for a while and headed home. I ask to stay to put kids to bed and we showered and read books and sang songs together.

When done I get a drink of water and slowly start to head out, but admit that I hoped I was invited to stay a little longer. She says she is going to have a glass of wine and offers me one.

We sit on the couch and have casual conversation for a little more than an hour. Talk about her school and work, my work, current event things, etc. This was the first time we sat and just talked, no R talk or stress from needing to talk about it, just a great conversation like we used to have when we were doing well in our M. I even brought up past conversations we have had about things and showed that I do “like” her and pay attention to her. Trying to bust down the opinion she formed of me when she left.

What a whirlwind of emotion yesterday was, but it ended in a positive note (for me). Don’t know if this goes against DBing, but it felt right and I was paving the road back as smooth as possible. I know that she needs to miss me and I need to be scarce, but when things involve our kids I find it impossible to say no. From my point of view it seemed to be another small step forward. I feel anytime I can show her what her (our) lives could be like if we reconciled, it is the right thing to do. We both were really relaxed and comfortable around each other and may have been more helpful than some of the more serious conversations we have had in the past.

Now back to working on me (using her teasing comments) and leveling out my emotional roller coaster I was on the past two days; and also back to working through my EA/PA feelings.

[gogofo]

Help me out. I was searching to find your writings about her ?EA/PA. Can you point to it?

It is probably scattered so I will rewrite it.

At BD she said that we had drifted apart and she was done. She had been talking to someone she had known for a while (I assume a coworker) and said that she wondered what it would be like to date someone who cared about what she is interested in.

I think they had started talking about her work, doctoral program, etc. and she felt paid attention to and important. I was in a fog of extreme overwork during this time.

I had snooped on facebook and saw some text messages with another friend that I would say also bordered on an EA, not sexualized but definitely supportive of her. It was also probably secretive as he is married, they have known each other longer than I have known her, but I would assume his W would not approve of their messaging. She was not getting much support from her family and felt betrayed by some of her friends. I think he was one of the only people to provide support, but I think there could also be some attraction there too (she is beautiful).

I think his W could be one source of the book with nasty comments.

I have no evidence or suspicion of a PA, but do not know for sure. The only evidence I have is the book which could be interpreted as evidence pointing to a PA or not pointing to a PA. I assume it was a woman who wrote it and would figure that if they thought my W was in a PA they would have called her a "sl*t" not a "c*nt".

In my heart I think she was receiving emotional support from one or multiple males during the end of us and after BD. I don't feel she would get to a sexualized EA or to a PA but I want to prepare myself by reading about it just to be sure. Don't want to be caught off guard.

Also, in reading I noticed a lot of anger about her "rewriting history" and it seems your anger has cooled now.

Her version of the events in the past are just as valid to her as yours are to you. (she doesn't seem to be mentally ill) The truth is probably somewhere in the middle but we all have our perspective.

Really think about that, you are just as sure you're right as she is that she's right. Have you gotten past that now?

I have, quite some time ago. What I know that is important is how she felt, not the details. The details can change in recollecting what happened, but the emotions will still be there. One of the best pieces of advice I received was from my mom who in her nursing sensitivity training was taught when dealing with patients in difficult situations:

"You do not have to agree with why they are upset. What you need to do is understand their emotions. Their feelings are real and justified to their interpretation of the situation, whether you agree with them or not."

After processing this when the W would unload on me I would separate her "words" from her feelings. I try to understand how she felt in these situations and where I had contributed to it.

I used to argue with her about details of situations and now understand that I need to listen to how she felt about the situation, not pick it over for incorrect details (from my point of view). It shouldn't matter what day something happened, or who was there, or what color something was; what matters is how she was feeling in the situation.

This has been one of my bigger 180s, understanding her feelings and emotions.