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Heather HAS RETAINED A LAWYER. ;-)


Papers are being drawn up while we speak. And, apparently, the child support enforcement put some fear into Smokey. Oddly enough, the same day, or day after, I received my missive from FIL. I had stated FIL was Smokey's atty, so they must have contacted FIL and, then, FIL felt it important to make it clear that HE IS NOT REPRESENTING SMOKEY in my Litany of Complaints.

Heather also has pneumonia. Ugh. And, she has gained 34 pounds in the last year.


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And, we already have drama!!

I texted Smokey and asked him to send me the tax return and his W2's. Well, he's really pissed off about the child support enforcement being on his tail. He wants me to tell them that the mortgage payments are support payments.

So, he cancels his Saturday visit with D11 and says he will bring the tax return info the following Sat. Well, MY ATTORNEY is drawing up papers NOW. So, I asked if he could send them in the mail sooner? It gets a lil heated and, then, I get this:

Smokey: I can if you will inform CSEA that I'm paying the mortgage in lieu of support. If not, then you can wait.

I called MY ATTORNEY and told him the sitch and asked him to call FIL and ask for the return/W2's. This means the cat is out of the bag about my having an atty, but I'm done playing games with Smokey. This is why I have the atty.

I feel relieved to have someone on my side.


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Feeling kinda scared. Hit the ground running, so to speak.

Sitting in the attorney's office. I felt sad, a little shaky. I know that's to be expected. I will plow through it. I still have feelings for this man, I guess I WAS a bit afraid to take this step for fear it will drive him away for good.

I also know, however, (as today's tax return shows)how this man, especially in his current state of mind, is far from the man I deserve. Just so sad to go over our nearly 24 year union and it feels so ??? Something I can't put into words... final, unfinished, sad, battered, beaten down, meaningless??? ABUSIVE. I'm gaining some clarity on the abuse that continued for so long.

At one point, I remarked. a bit off-the-cuff, how sneaky Smokey is...the atty said, "Yes, he is very sneaky and controlling. He definitely likes to get his way, doesn't he? Very selfish and self-serving man."

Yup.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

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Heather. Something to know in these situations. As soon as one or both of you have representation (whether a lawyer or FIL or other) then there will be drama. That's not really a question I'm afraid. It's not like you two parted on good terms. The other thing I've noticed in my experience is that nobody walks away feeling like they got what they deserved. To feel otherwise is the exception, not the rule.

That said, how you absorb the drama makes all the difference. If you decide to bend under the pressure, you may be less satisfied with yourself and your choices years from now. I'm not saying don't negotiate, but rather stick to your values and to what it is you need from this part of the process. Take the emotion out of the equation as much as possible and treat it like a business transaction even if he does not.

It can be trying, draining, mortifying, etc. It's not like you asked for this though. I read the part about FIL offering to help as a bad thing. It came across as H wanting to "clean up this mess" and walk away. I don't see it as that simple after all these years.

The money is important, but not that important because it really isn't about the money. Put another way, you are not negotiating what he is going to "give" you, but rather what he owes. And conversely what you owe, if anything.

You'll find there will be much drama. Don't get sucked into it if you can help it.

AJ


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He just called me. I had a bit of my say when he cried about how he won't be able to pay his rent. "Yes, that would be horrible for you, wouldn't it?"

He is angry and very scared. I could hear it in the fake bravado in his voice.

I told him I'm asking for what's fair, that's all. I told him he has gotten what he wanted and I'm tired of the kids and I suffering the consequences for his actions.

I told him I have an attorney. He is scared. Very scared and when Smokey is scared, my M.O. is to get scared too. I never know what to expect.

But, I'm going to relax as much as possible and trust God. My God will take care of us like He has so far.


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AJ,

What do you mean about the FIL? I, initially, thought it was a good thing. It was Smokey that dragged his feet when it came down to it. I don't think he wants this. But, that's me and I'm doing what is necessary to protect myself.


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Heather,
I'm sorry you are ill...but...I'm very happy that you finally bit the bullet and met w/a lawyer. It's time to get this show on the road and mean business.

As for your h, oh poor little boy and he might not have rent money...too darn bad. He's had it very easy for well over a year and now the piper is calling in his consequences. Don't fall for that weepy little boy's tactics.

Now, prepare yourself because he may very well try all kinds of things to get you to back down and accept less. He'll say he's broke, has no money, etc., well, he can get a second job. In fact the ow can actually get a job or two. You've scrimped for a long time and the quality of life that you and the girls have had has not been the greatest.

As for the child support, it should be identified as child support and not the mortgage payment. I believe that there is a different in the two payments. From this day forward, no more discussions w/him about payments. You are paying your lawyer to do this. BTW, if you can't get the tax info, contact the IRS and your state to get it.

Time for Heather to pamper herself a bit and get well.

It's going to be okay.


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Heather, I’m so sorry it came to this. But you need to protect yourself and your Ds. Yes, he had it too good so far. It is going to change. He is already scared. I hope he will not turn into a nasty monster.

Take care of yourself.


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Smokey just texted me how "You didn't wanna get off your lazy butt and help me. And, by god, I asked you for years. Now, you know how I felt all these years."

Yikes. I guess we pretty much know where Smokey's head is, still.

I did respond. Ended the conversation with:

I never asked for any of this. I'm sorry you are still stuck there. Blame me if you need to, it doesn't bother me anymore. But, it also doesn't change things, I'm afraid. I didn't create these consequences. I think I protected you from them for a long time though. I wish you well.

This has been an emotional day. Trying to stay positive. I so much don't want this. Dammit. I hate this. But, I will regain my detachment and take care of myself and the girls.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Oh well, he is having a pity party for himself. Hang in there, Heather. (((((hugs)))))


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