Hope, I haven't had an opportunity to read your threads yet, but will.
Read the Melody Beattie books. Also there's a very good book on boundaries by Anne Katherine.
lot of the things she talks about I just thought were totally normal behaviors and that's what you did. Like, thinking carefully before you say something to someone to try to make sure you get the desired effect. I thought everyone did that.
This was so me, I manipulated in a soft and subtle way, but it was still manipulation.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks, labug. I bought Codependent No More today after I dropped D7 off at H's apartment. I'm going to start reading it tonight.
I had an awesome day with D7. We celebrated Easter with my sister and her family at a friend's house. It was a little odd for H not to be there, especially since he was the only H who was absent. Still, most of the time, that wasn't on my mind and I was really just enjoying the moment.
Afterwards, I took D7 to H for the night. I ran errands. Then, I did something I had been avoiding. I called my mom and told her about my sitch. When my H and I were separated previously, she was not very supportive. In retrospect, I really think it was out of wanting my pain to stop. What really happened is that I shut her out. She is coming to visit in a few weeks. My sister had offered to call my mom and tell her and also tell her that I didn't want to talk about it, but I decided that the right thing to do was to tell her myself. I'm so glad I did. She is more supportive of me trying to save my M than anyone else I've talked to. She said exactly the right things. She didn't try to bash my H. Rather, she said that she sees it from his side, too. I told her the basics about DBing and she agreed that it is the right approach for me. On a related note, I didn't cry when I told her. That's a first.
H still seems distant. I really want to ask him why, but I'm still resisting the temptation. That might be a record. I'm stubborn, but eventually can be taught.
That's so great that your mom is supportive! Sounds like a good lesson in the danger of mind-reading... we never can know what others are really thinking.
And so great that you can now talk about it without crying. A big milestone for sure. You are detaching! It doesn't mean you don't care, it just means that the feelings don't own you. We are both about 6 months into this adventure... I'm realizing it just takes time.
And congrats on resisting temptation to ask him! Good for you. Must feel good to have gotten past that moment successfully.
Thanks, Claire! I still haven't asked him, even though i really want to. Experience has taught me that would lead to R talk and I definitely don't want to go there right now.
I know it isn't my sandbox and all that, but I really wish my H would learn about validating. I found out yesterday that I did not get a job that I really wanted. H immediately started talking about how I need to look at the positive that I have a job and this gives me more time to find the right job. I recognize that he was likely just trying to make me feel better. I finally said, "I realize that I am very blessed and I am thankful for that, but it is ok for me to take a little time to be upset about this." It ended up not being a good interaction. I didn't give in to the temptation to say something like, "excuse me for suffering from feelings of rejection recently. I can't imagine where those come from."
Again, good for you for holding in those feelings! You don't need his validation right now. But I get it... we would all be so much Better off if we could give them a magic pill that would teach them all we have learned, right?!
Thanks for reading, Claire! I know I don't need his validation. I'm usually pretty at doing it myself, but he caught me at a weak moment and just wouldn't let up. Oh well, it's a new day.
Both yesterday and today he has called me at lunchtime just to chat. This is something he frequently used to do whenever he left the office. Maybe that's a sign that he's coming closer again. He still hasn't started his usual daily commute-home calls back up. It's been about a week since he stopped those. Clearly, I still have expectations.
OK, off to take D7 to swim lessons now. She always has a great time and there are usually a few other moms that I know who are fun to chat with for a bit.
25 posted this in response to something I wrote on Claire's thread, but I wanted to move it here, too.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Originally Posted By: hope456
I have a similar 180. I always chose/decided everything for our D7 (school, clothing, activities, daycare, outings, etc.) and rarely consulted his opinion.
Please let me use this^^ as a 'teaching point' without feeling as if I am bashing you. But this^^ behavior when it's in a man, is seen as CONTROLLING as heck, and comes off as critical too....b/c the other spouse is clearly not as capable as the one choosing...
so as easy as it is for we women/mothers to "do it all" we have to remind ourselves that it's NOT a quality or attribute to cultivate. It's mainly a flaw we have to work on modifying or eradicating.
When he offered one, it was usually wrong.
and here^^ we have the evidence that it is seen as "WRONG" of them to disagree w/us. Chances are the suggestion or answer is more subjective than "right vs wrong" and that gets hard to admit bc we THINK we have "worked it all out already" and our preferences are the "Right" ones...
but in truth, most of what we choose is not crucial and our spouse's preference is just as good as ours, sometimes it may not be but it's rarely a life and death matter. And if it's not, then why did we insist on having it our way and self righteously demand that it be done our way?
I think it's partly b/c as mothers (esp if we are stay at home mom's) we don't get a lot of positive accolades, and we don't get a "bonus or promotion" for a job well done. We need that...so perhaps we are more insistent than we need be, b/c we need some pats on the back. Too bad we couldn't just tell our h's that!
I think I'm more aware of this now. I've made a point of saying positive things about his parenting with D7. That has an extra benefit, too, as his LL is words of affirmation.
Ah well maybe this^^ is why My DB coach said to "applaud loudly for the 1% of positives they do" and at the time it felt so hard to do, that I had to work hard on it.
In retrospect, I'm embarrassed b/c giving compliments is simply a loving thing to do, and it costs me nothing. You'd never know that however...
Right as she told me that, I heard myself thinking "but if I compliment him for X, then he'll take Y for granted and might treat me worse ....."
It was as if I was risking something by complimenting my h! I was so wrong.
It was really the opposite b/c we risk a lot more by with holding compliments! We empty their love tanks b/c we don't add to it!
My h responds so much more to positives than negatives, I can't believe it took me decades to realize what could and should have been clear to me, much sooner. I get treated much better b/c I compliment him more than before.. Lesson learned.
Does this resonate?
25-Thank you for this response. It is so applicable to my sitch. The first time after BD that I complimented my H's parenting of D7, he looked absolutely shocked. Obviously, I did not do this enough before BD.
I remember my sister observing a few years ago that I had all the child care responsibilities. She said that she would not put up with that from her H. My response was that I really didn't need him involved in most of that stuff, as he probably wouldn't do it right anyway. I'm appalled at my behavior now that I look back.
Since BD, if I go to H's apartment to see D7 when she is there, I always end up checking to make sure her homework is done and to see if there is anything from school that needs to be addressed. The first couple of times my H hadn't signed her reading log or something similar, I was irritated. I thought, "Huh. You want 50/50 custody, but you can't even handle a simple task." Fortunately, I didn't say anything. As I thought more about it, I realized that he doesn't know what needs to be done because I always shut him out of those things.
Through a lot of self-reflection, I've found that I have this same negative behavioral trait at work. I take on more and more responsibility because I'm convinced no one else will do it right...and then become resentful that I'm doing more work than anyone else. It's not an attractive thing at all.
Yes! We're in recovery!! I truly do think I've become a lot more self-aware, so I'm able to catch these tendencies before I act on them. It's a work in progress, of course, but I'm feeling pretty confident about it.
Originally Posted By: labug
I'm going to challenge you a little more to think about what you're teaching your daughter (she's learning a lot right now about being a woman)
You're right. She's learning so much about it right now. She's also VERY much like me (puts a lot pressure on herself, is self-critical, tends toward perfectionism). I actually think these traits are very good in moderation, but I know that I've taken them to extremes. I want to teach her that it's ok to ask for and accept help. As I've thought about what I'm modeling for her during this sitch, the conclusion I've come to is that I want her to see me handle adversity with dignity and grace.
A little about H tonight: He called this evening and told me that he and his dad had gotten into a big argument. They've had a strained relationship for a long time (his dad has essentially left 2 families), but had recently started reconnecting. H didn't want to talk about it in detail, but he was pretty upset. Apparently his dad told him that H was to blame for a lot of the problems they've had in the past (dating back to childhood). I validated and told him I understood that would be hurtful. I may have messed up a little. I said, "That's BS. He was the adult. You were the child. None of that is your fault." I know that I'm not supposed to be offering my opinions; it just infuriates me that his dad does this stuff to him over and over again. It messes with his sense of self-worth. I also know that he thinks I'm too critical of his dad. I really didn't say any more than that. I asked if he wanted to talk about it anymore and let the subject drop when he indicated that he did not. Thoughts, anyone? Did I say too much?
And a little about me: I posted the other day about not getting a job that I really wanted. Well, I got a call today about another job that I applied for and they want to set up an interview ASAP. Then, a former boss sent me a link to a job he thought I'd be interested in and it is a perfect fit for me, so I've applied to that, too. I've got my optimism back with regard to the job search.
Also, I realized today that I'm back in a place where I'm happy much more than I'm sad. Ordinarily, I'm a really happy person, but I struggled a lot after BD. I felt sad almost all the time. I don't feel that way now. I'm not on the verge of tears all the time and I smile and laugh easily. I've always known cognitively that I'd get through this, but I'm beginning to really feel it, too.
