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"She is being extremely disrespectful by carrying on the way she is and rubbing his nose in her A; under the roof of the marital home.
And that IS abusive."

That's funny. It's being disrespectful, but not abusive. Comments like that are not going to save the marriage or get him the respect back.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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She is cake eating.

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"She is cake eating."

That may be true, but certainly not abusive.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Conducting an A with impunity, while living with LBS in the family abode, is emotional abuse.

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Ok, so,we had our first argument since she moved back in. It was kind of cathartic.
I think it was a little fear because we are going to the lawyers tomorrow.
It's to work with some financial planners and set up the final boundries.

She keeps violating them but I am afraid I have been allowing it.
for example we were hanging out In the master bedroom I the bed talking when the argument started.

Then she said I feel bad, maybe we should put up a divider so you can sleep here.

Ofcourse for some reason that led to another big argument..she was yeeeeeellllllling I was actually getting a little attached to her , it was a rush to see how strong she can be and how she will protect her beliefs.


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
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Ox,

I really can't figure out what you are trying to say in your last post. What is your point? A lot of times you just give us a "play by play" of events that occur between you and your wife. Figure out what you are looking for from this site and then make posts that help us help you.

Also, PLEASE do a thorough job of spell checking and reviewing your posts so you are conveying exactly what you are wanting to say. You seem like you're in such a hurry to post that many of your writings don't make much sense at all. It causes you to come across as very scattered and incoherent.


Me: 49
Wife: 39
D's: 9 & 11
Together: 15
Married: 13
Bomb 1 ILYBNILWU: 08/2012
Bomb 2 I feel dead inside towards you: 12/2013
EA? 06/2012-?
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I agree with HollyAnn that her conduct is emotional abuse to Ox, however, I also agree with you, Bond, that he is choosing to let what she is doing and saying to affect him, thereby being a victim of her actions.

Ox, I assume you have decided to work to save your marriage. Any marriage must be built on mutual respect for each other. Respect comes first, and admiration second. She will never love and admire you if she doesn't respect you. Stop reacting to her words and actions. Decide what you will accept and what you won't. Decide what your response will be to a boundary violation before the violation takes place. Set the boundary. If she steps into the forbidden zone, carry out the response. You've got to be almost robotic about it though. Don't get caught in arguments. Don't get emotional. It is cause and effect.

My wife also accused me of trying to control her. She became livid when I told her what my boundary was. I communicated to her that it was not control, it was me protecting myself and staying true to what I believe in.

Show her your improvements (if you actually have made them) by way of action. Not words. Focus on yourself and the path you have chosen to follow, with or without her. The improvements you make will benefit you first, then your girl (whether it is your current wife or a new girl in the future).

Start looking farther down the road. That way, you're not reacting to everything she does, be it good or bad. Have a game plan. You don't seem to have one.


Me: 49
Wife: 39
D's: 9 & 11
Together: 15
Married: 13
Bomb 1 ILYBNILWU: 08/2012
Bomb 2 I feel dead inside towards you: 12/2013
EA? 06/2012-?
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"Conducting an A with impunity, while living with LBS in the family abode, is emotional abuse."

No it isn't. Look, we can go round and round on this but the bottom line is that you keep labeling things like this and it won't help the situation. I mean I'm sure you had to deal with negative different situations when you saved your marriage didn't you?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Posts: 12,602
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"Ok, so,we had our first argument since she moved back in. It was kind of cathartic.
I think it was a little fear because we are going to the lawyers tomorrow.
It's to work with some financial planners and set up the final boundries."

I don't understand how the lawyers are supposed to set up boundaries. That is for YOU to set up.

"She keeps violating them but I am afraid I have been allowing it.
for example we were hanging out In the master bedroom I the bed talking when the argument started."

I don't get it. What boundary was crossed? It sounds more like you're trying to punish her rather than actually setting up something that protects your assets.

Then she said I feel bad, maybe we should put up a divider so you can sleep here.

Ofcourse for some reason that led to another big argument..she was yeeeeeellllllling I was actually getting a little attached to her , it was a rush to see how strong she can be and how she will protect her beliefs."


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
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Oxford1 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Missmygirl
Ox,

I really can't figure out what you are trying to say in your last post. What is your point? A lot of times you just give us a "play by play" of events that occur between you and your wife. Figure out what you are looking for from this site and then make posts that help us help you.

Also, PLEASE do a thorough job of spell checking and reviewing your posts so you are conveying exactly what you are wanting to say. You seem like you're in such a hurry to post that many of your writings don't make much sense at all. It causes you to come across as very scattered and incoherent.


Sorry.
Sometimes I am typing on my iPad and the words get misspelled. I don't notice it right away...

I actually lost my train of thought while typing that last post and accidentally submitted instead of preview.

I was trying to ask, what is the best way to approach my situation. I know she is cake eating. The fight started originally because I was trying to detach a limitless more.

She wants me to do married couple activities with her , she tells me I am her best friend.

She wants to basically date me, but she's not willing to give up OM....yet.

Some of the things she said during phase two of the argument where almost a confession of the fact that we will never reconcile . The problem was that the temper tantrum she was throwing was drawing me in , not pushing me away.

So, am I spending to much time with her?
Is this a healthy thing to do?

What is the best way to detach, while she's under the same roof, and wanting to spend all this time with me...we did agree to take away breaks even if just for a few hours.

My concern is S15, almost 16.

He saw us sitting in bed together though apart, no physical closeness. His exact words where " good-night" and " this is so weird" while pointing at the two of us in the bed.

I just don't know if I am screwing with his head as much as WAW is mine?


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
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