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Okay, I know when I'm outvoted. I'll follow along and learn.

Wonka-I read all of Raine's posts and I have a lot of respect for you. Train is in good hands. smile


M43 H43
M14 T22 when it all fell apart
D12 S10
"Never have been happy" 3/2013
EA/PA since 2/2013
H moved out 11/2013
H looking to buy a house where OW can live with him 5/2015
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Thank you all. I truly feel in my heart of hearts that setting that boundary is what's best for me and my peace of mind. I'm responsible for myself and my minor children. I am not responsible for my H or his responses to boundaries I put in place to protect my children and me.

This is my vacation with my children. The place I'm in belongs to my sister. She "paid" for it for my family for a week. I only invited H for a couple days to "pay him back" for letting me have three of his days with the kids. If he doesn't like the boundary, he does not have to come down here. Better for me, anyway.

I did get a danged text from someone a little while ago, saying H is at the grocery store where he met OW (where she is employed). Romantic dinner in Aisle 5, perhaps. Swoon.

I'll be posting my draft possibly later tonight and no later than tomorrow. Question: should I limit it to only my boundaries about his pending visit here? Or should I use it as a one-shot opportunity to say anything more, considering this is the first time I've taken time to address anything with him?

No matter what, I do not plan to be emotional. Or to whine.


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... anddddd presumably as soon as he's done at the grocery store, I just now got this text:

"Good day at the beach, I hope???"

Gah. He really DOES want to have his cake and eat it, too, doesn't he?

Must be exhausting to have to keep up with two women ...

Ok. Sorry. That was a quick rant I needed to have before I focus on my boundaries.

wink


M: 40 H: 44
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Train,

Oh wait...didn't they meet at the bread aisle? Your bread or mine?

Woody Allen should make a movie about your H! wink Only Woody can do this.

Question: should I limit it to only my boundaries about his pending visit here? Or should I use it as a one-shot opportunity to say anything more, considering this is the first time I've taken time to address anything with him?


Stick to one topic at a time when emailing H. You don't want to cause more confusion here.

Please do draft to your heart's content and post here for feedback. The best way to do this is to keep with KISS and STFU principles. You would want to be sure it is clear and concise.

FYI...I will be away all day tomorrow so won't be able to check in during the day. Will do so in the evening.

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Wonka, thank you!

I really don't feel I have anything to tell him other than my boundaries for the trip. I think that's a big enough step for me, anyway, and it'll be enough for him to digest.

What does KISS stand for? I know STFU ... I presume. laugh


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
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Piecing: April 2014
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Oh, and THIS made me lol:

Quote:
Oh wait...didn't they meet at the bread aisle? Your bread or mine?


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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Train,

KISS: Keep It Short and Simple

Okay...what would be your boundaries and how would you present it to H?

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The more I'm thinking about it, the more I'm thinking I'll just stick to almost precisely what Starsky had stated.

I have already told H that I will not live in an open marriage; he can't have me *and* OW. So no need to rehash that. I've also already told him I will not discuss our relationship until he ends his A. (I no longer feel that one is a huge deal anyway; now that some time has passed, I'd be open to hearing him talk, but make no mistake, I won't be poking that bear!)

Here's what I have as a skeleton draft. But it could be perfect as is. As a writer, I tend to embellish TOO much at times. I don't necessarily want to come across as cold - and certainly not "coached" - but it seems placing a boundary might be a time when less is more ... or KISS. laugh

Here's what I have drafted (thanks to Puppy/Starsky):

TrainMan,

The kids are excited that you're making plans to spend time with them here. I want the weekend to be enjoyable for all of us; thus the reason for setting the "ground rules" I mentioned the other day.

I know you and I both want what's best for the kids through everything, and I am thankful for that. In light of that, I'm going to ask that you not text OW or call her in front of the kids or me while you are here. D17 and S7 have both brought it up to me as being very upsetting to them.

I would also, of course, expect you not to text or otherwise communicate with her inside our family home like you have before. We need to help the kids through all of this. Communicating with her in front of us is disrespectful to me, to our marriage and to our family.

The kids said you're planning to head this way Friday. Keep us posted on your ETA that evening, and I'll have a parking pass waiting for you.

Safe travels,

Train


M: 40 H: 44
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S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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Train,

The draft is a good start. I'd re-work it and use less "I"s. And don't weaken it with "of course" or use other hedging statements. You'll need to state your boundaries from a position of power and courage. One last thing...please try to keep your kids out of this boundary setting. Don't want to pull them into this.

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I'll give you an example of a boundary setting.

When I came to understand the extent of Ms. Wonka's affair with the OW, I very firmly told her that the OW cannot come near the house or inside our house. I was quite angry when I said this to Ms. Wonka. So Ms. Wonka arranged their rendezvous elsewhere. crazy crazy

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