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#2447408 04/22/14 03:00 PM
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Thread #2 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...t=11&page=1


So, he is supposed to move out today. It was a stressful, uncomfortable, awkward weekend that lead to it. First my daughter's birthday party Saturday. Friends would later tell me that he seemed to be going through the motions. Then Easter with both families. He said he felt judged by mine looking at him like a freeloader (they weren't, he is paranoid).

Sunday night he left around 9pm to go see his 'friend' to work on some last minute school stuff. He picked her up and they went out to a place with wifi and open late. He stayed out about 4 hours. When he left he said "I know you won't believe me but I have the wrong article and I need to meet S to get the right one. I have to do it tonight so we can have it ready tomorrow." I just smiled and told him to have a good time. Well, the next day he saw my sister and my mom posting random stuff on their page relating to their OWN lives. He immediately thought it was about him and decided he wasn't coming home until time for me to go to work. Then he said he has to move out because every thinks he a freeloader. Paranoia is running so deep with him right now.

LiveNow - Thank you. Part of me is looking forward to being able to just live instead of question everything. Of course the bigger part of me is devastated.

Matt - He is moving to his brothers house until his other brother's rental is available. By then he should have two part time jobs to help pay? Although, how he is going to pay rent, bills, and support to me while working 2 jobs and going to his senior semester of school is beyond me. He probably hasn't thought that far ahead....yet again.

Job - I don't know how he's going to do it, honestly. He will work two part time jobs over the summer. Then go back to school in Aug...when will he work and see the kids? If he does move to his brother's rental, does he plan on having utilities? It's just not well thought out....he just wants out and now.

We told the kids he was leaving. They took it okay until last night. The two older ones asked a lot of questions of me and I tried to answer supportive and loving. I assured them that his family will always be their family, they will still see them, they will always have me, etc etc etc. My oldest cried herself to sleep. She drew a picture of our family with "Dad please don't move away. Love, K" written above it. It's on the white board in the kitchen so I know he saw it when he left today.

He asked me why I wouldn't sign papers. I told him I didn't want to. He asked it I was making it difficult just to make it difficult. I told him I didn't get married against my will and I am not going to get divorced against my will.

He said he just has no desire to be intimate with me. He lost his love for me and his desire for me. I told him I feel like that has something to do with the having all of those new girls as school and he agreed it might. His world has been opened up and he doesn't see the need to stay in something he feels nothing for instead of going out to find something he can feel love and intimate desire for.

I want to be loved and be wanted and be desired. I want to know the man I am with wants to be near me and be with me and wants to touch me. I love hugs and kisses. I brought up some friends of ours. How they are always saying sweet things to each other and kiss hello/goodbye. You can see and feel the love between them. I told him I wanted THAT. He said he did to but he didn't want it with me.

It's stupid. We both want the same thing, he just doesn't want it with me.
We both want to be more loving and more intimate but he doesn't feel that way towards me.

The situation he is in right now is sucking those feelings away from him wife and onto other people. He is allowing himself to redirect his emotions to other women when fixing what we have would be much easier and wouldn't destroy our kids.

I told him I expected him to see the kids more than just the three nights I work. He said okay but he wasn't going to mess up his job to make sure he had time off, he needs these jobs and those will come first. Then he said that if he was going to have the kids more often he wouldn't pay me as much...almost like "You take them or I cut off your money". I can't survive the summer without his help. I just can't. The power bill is ridiculously high here in the summer so we either have power or food.

Anyway, that's my weekend in a nutshell.


Me: 33 / H: 36
M: 10y / T: 14y
3 kids
BD: 2/22/14
Live in separation 3/8/14
H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14
H moved out 4/25/14
2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
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Praying,

I'm so sorry as I know you are contemplating a great deal. You have received sound advice and trust that things will work out.
I could have written some of those very words except my h said he" no longer desired a romantic relationship with me."

I have been in your shoes just recently and I can tell you that you will miss your old h. However, you will probably develop a peace and dare I say "happiness" you weren't aware existed. I don't want to tell you how you will feel because I can't do that. However, this possibility exists. As a matter of fact, some days I feel rather giddy and sassy. Why? I have 3 wonderful kids, good health, wonderful friends and family, 2 great dogs, a cat, a kick a$$ sense of humor, and I'm in reality. You have all of that (not sure about pets) and so much more as well

My advice to you is to focus on your financial safety and not worry about your h. This is his chance to be a big boy and pay his own bills. Do his own laundry. Let him figure this stuff out. Focus on you and those fantastic kids. If your h wants to have electricity, let him figure out how to pay the bills and earn the $$$. His decisions have consequences. Just like yours do and that should be to keep going and live every day to the fullest.

Don't let him bully you about support. You could file for temporary support and if in GA, there is a set amount for support based on income of both parents. Be cordial, take the high road, and don't let him bait you into an argument. You will be amazed at how awesome you are:)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Praying,

I didn't sees GM's response. One challenge you could run into if I'm understanding correctly your finances, is that your h could ask for spousal support. Again, check into the GA child support guidelines (they are posted online with several calculators and straight forward). You must protect yourself financially. No ifs, ands or buts.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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GA,
You can't control him, you can't cure him because you didn't break him. You can't fix this situation for him because it's his problem.

I understand where you are coming from about the papers...but it takes two to get married and only one to file for divorce. My advice to you is if you have any inkling that you're going to need child support, etc., you need to file for it immediately. If your h is talking to others, he could very well come back and file for spousal support since he's going to school...I know that sounds crazy, but they will change even more as they move along the MLC trail.

As for him and his bills in another place, he's not worried about that and who knows, at some point he may get a roommate or if the affair continues on, she may move in w/him. I'm not saying that this will happen, but it could very well happen. So you need to prepare yourself for this because very few go on to live alone or w/family members.

You need to prepare yourself for a very long journey and what you "expect" of him, well...that's like my panties being tied to a balloon and traveling around the world. You can "expect" and/or think you are going to "rely" on him...but it doesn't work that way. He's gone, emotionally and mentally for quite some time and now physically. You need to drop your expectations at zero or very low because his first priority will be himself only. It will be all about him and the more you try to "guilt" him into doing something, the more he's going to distance himself.

I know you don't want to do anything to rock the boat, but it doesn't matter whether you do or you don't file for support, he's not going to come back and be a responsible adult for a few years down the road. You have to take care of yourself and your children financially. He's gone, gone, gone and it will take many years for him to grow up and realize what he's lost, if ever. There is no way to tell this early on whether he will be one of those that matures and wants his family back. Prepare for the worse and hope for the best. Who knows...you may be one of the spouses that gets so fed up w/his behavior and h is burning of the bridges, you just may not want him back if he should beg to come home.

Stay strong, do the math and get your finances in order and that includes support documents, live your life to the fullest and hug your children each and every day and reassure them that no matter what happens, you will be there for them.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted By: praying_in_GA
He said he just has no desire to be intimate with me. He lost his love for me and his desire for me. I told him I feel like that has something to do with the having all of those new girls as school and he agreed it might. His world has been opened up and he doesn't see the need to stay in something he feels nothing for instead of going out to find something he can feel love and intimate desire for.


Praying -- My H said basically the same thing -- after his 'world opened up' too, last year (when he met OW in a college course). Only he keeps repeating 'My love has changed.' And keeps harping on how our relationship was never 'intimate' enough. For 20 years? Then why did he stay? What is it with the MLC'er being so incredibly hung up on intimacy? Can anyone shed some light on this? I've heard that word so many times in the past year it makes me ill.

I was devastated too, when he moved out. But it truly was the better thing for me, for my sanity...Hope you feel the same soon, Praying...


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
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I'm with you Livenow! How can they say they "love" you but not the right "kind" of love? How can they really think they "never" loved you really, after 20 years of marriage and having 2 kids together (on purpose). Don't they think if they never loved you, they wouldn't have had kids together? They really are out of their minds crazy! They truly believe the lies they tell themselves and you.

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Interesting use of terminology regarding burning the bridges and moving on, Job. My h frequently says he is burning all of the bridges and has to keep moving forward.

Praying, I hope you are doing okay. Hang in there!



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Praying - Life will teach your H very quickly all the lessons you want to tell him.

I would just sign the papers and move on, the best you can.

When these MLC feel like they are being held back or tied to us in any way they act more irrational.

If you set them free that is the only way to get them back.

I still have hope for your marriage.


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Thank you all for the posts.

Well, he ended up not leaving yesterday. It made me very angry since my oldest cried herself to sleep Monday night. We told the kids he was moving out on Tuesday. My oldest took it so hard.
He came home Tuesday and honestly, my heart was racing the minute he walked in the door. I had the cable company replace the modem and router (the others weren't working) so the internet password was different. He came downstairs asking about the password. I told him I had them changed out. He said "Are you going to give me the new password or do I have to live somewhere else?" I asked him wasn't he going to live somewhere else tonight? He said "Today, Friday, I haven't decided yet." I told him he needed to let the kids know before he left. He said he already did last night and he would call them before bed if he left tonight.

So, we leave to go to gymnastics. When we get home his car is gone. D8 started crying saying "Dad left..." I told her all of the encouraging things I have been saying...we love you, he will always be your dad, I love you, we will always be together....I told the kids they could play outside a bit before dinner. Well, D8 goes to the drawing of the family on the board and starts erasing H. It broke my heart. I told her to stop, to just leave it alone and we would take care of that later. After dinner, D8 writes H a note (she loves drawing pics and writing us notes): "Dad was the best dad ever! I miss dad very much. I love and miss him so much either way he'll still always be my dad. Love, K." I told the kids to get ready and we would go get ice cream. When we got back H still wasn't home (all of his things were still in the house though). D8 says "I guess he didn't just go out with his friends." OMG, this man is breaking my daughters heart and it is really starting to make me angry.

So, he comes home and asks how K is doing. I tell him the truth about her crying and her notes and her erasing. He says "ahh, really?" and goes to check on them. He says he is going to see how the next two days go before he moves. I told him I wouldn't be home those two days.

I told him a male friend wanted to take me on a belated birthday dinner to make up for my crappy birthday. He got all excited and said "So, we are dating other people now?" I asked him wasn't he already and he said yea, he guessed but now I am and that's good!! He said I need someone to talk to. He said moving out will help him gain perspective on his life and the situation. My text messages kept going off so he said "Good! Now I can turn mine off silent!"

I found out today that his 21 year old friend broke up with her boyfriend. He says they still aren't dating.

He came home from school and said he is going to talk to a lawyer soon. He asked me to please just sign the papers when he gets them. He confirmed that she has broken up with him but he doesn't call them dating yet. He said he doesn't feel right being married to me knowing he doesn't want this anymore. He said if things change and we get back together later then we can remarry. He said he should have the money for a divorce this summer so he will plan on filing then.

I said something about him being my best friend for 14 years. We had the type of relationship where when someone says "don't tell anyone but..." I would always talk to my husband. He said yea, he remembers and he wants that again but he feels like our marriage is in the way.

After his shower we were talking about this weekend and I asked him where he saw his future. He said Navy, going back to school for nurse anesthetist, making money to support the kids and I while finding his happiness. He said he saw me remarried and happy with the man who was meant for me and gave me everything I deserved. He said that he hasn't been the husband he should have been. Yea, he has been there and he has taken care of the kids but that I deserve so much more... Love, intimacy, everything I want from a marriage and he did too. He said that even when I mentioned that I wanted more hugs or kisses and he obliged that they were forced and he has been checked out for a while. He said I deserve better and he deserves a chance to find the woman that will make him act that way for real. He said our house and our marriage feels safe and comfortable. He said we both deserve better. That we both deserve to be happier than we are. I told him shouldn't I make that decision for me? He looked up and for the first time looked at me and said "Yes...and I'm sorry." That is the first time he has ever said sorry.

He told me he is scared of what comes next. He isn't comfortable with his future. He said he has periods of being excited about changes and periods of being totally scared of what lies ahead.

Anyway, that is a ton of reading and I am done. I am broken and unable to even contemplate my future. I have to come to terms with this being the end and it still hurts so darn bad. I have to drop the rope and let him go. If he changes his mind he will return and there isn't a thing I can do about it. I hate myself for loving him so much. There is something in him that he has to do. He has this need that he is searching to fill and he won't take no or stop for answer.


Me: 33 / H: 36
M: 10y / T: 14y
3 kids
BD: 2/22/14
Live in separation 3/8/14
H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14
H moved out 4/25/14
2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 386
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Okay, another twist to the story. H has been an atheist for years now. Well, he suddenly feels like there is a higher power watching over him. He said he thinks he is starting to believe again and has removed all of his atheist related material from his FB page. He said he knows there is someone keeping an eye on him to make sure he is okay.

Seriously?! You think there is someone watching over you now...now that you are leaving your wife and kids?


Me: 33 / H: 36
M: 10y / T: 14y
3 kids
BD: 2/22/14
Live in separation 3/8/14
H consult lawyer, says filing asap 4/24/14
H moved out 4/25/14
2nd time around. 1st separation 4y ago lasted a month
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