Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,326
C
Crimson Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,326

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,326
C
Crimson Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,326
Last thread got locked.

GM, I know that she is not deliberately seeking to take punches at me - she is just living her life. I think I am just sensitive that that life is still without me....notwithstanding, I will get over it - I don't have much of a choice.

25 - I don't know if your are still following along with all of this insanity, but my last question to you was what does "goodness" from me look like to her? You mentioned in one of your replies that over time she will see goodness in me that will run counter to the narrative that she holds onto....and probably propagates. Was me breaking down and and replying to her text (nicely) and letting her know briefly how S's easter went and sending a short vid of him finding his easter basket......was that "goodness"?? Because d@mn that was tough to do. And, in her eyes, I feel as though it is tacit acceptance of everything on my part....and I am still struggling. At the same time, my heart literally would not let me ignore her request....I tried. I felt bad NOT responding, I felt bad ACTUALLY responding.

In the end, I know I probably did the right thing - but as I noted in my previous thread I am learning that it is tremendously hard to do right by someone that has burned you so badly and left you a little dead/hollow inside. There may be no mud on the high road, but there are a lot of bumps.

Reflecting on Sunday, the Easter service at church was interesting. I am not theologian and I can barely tell the difference between God's voice and my own (seriously) but at times there have been piercing messages at that church for me. Somewhere about a million posts ago I remember sharing that I went there for the Christmas Eve candlelight service at night....feeling pretty well busted and broken and looking/praying for answers and relief. Now, this is where I can never tell if it is God or me just "thinking" but somewhere in the middle of the tears in that service this hit me in a very divine/spiritual place:

"Give her back to me, she has always been mine. I still have work to do with her and your work had to come first."

That moment is tattooed into my brain - even though I forget at times - and in that instant I felt a calm that lasted me for days....days.

The message yesterday was about the notion of death and rebirth (fittingly so with the holiday) but spoke of how some of you has to die in order to make room for what is new....better. But more importantly, the message discussed the pain involved....and paralleled it to crucifixion. It is agonizing, gut wrenching, depleting, and can bring you to terrible places....but it is necessary for rebirth and we aren't promised a pain-free experience. I don't know...I kind of spoke to me, with S on my lap the whole time. Again, I am no theologian nor am I a proselytizer/zealot....just a regular person seeking answers to a crummy situation. Maybe that helped a little....and maybe it will help me accept and make room in my heart for something better.....whatever that may be.

After ruminating on all of that yesterday, I went to bed feeling guilty. I felt guilty for holding feelings of hatred towards my ex, I felt guilty for wishing her ill, I felt guilty for the jealously that runs through me.....jealous of her for finding someone, jealous of him for be on the receiving end of the affection that I so badly wanted. Not wanting my S around him, but wanting him to be good to my son for his sake. My eyes welled up (yeah, yesterday was a "crying" day....please don't judge) and my conflicted brain just faded off to sleep.

I feel like I keep whiplashing between moods and feeling, acceptance and sadness, hope and despair, clarity and confusion. Still....the net feeling is one of loss. I am bothered that I still miss her so much, or who she was to me.

Today I started accepting the fact that I have to do a very difficult task as part of my healing. I have to go through my computer and delete all of the pictures of her....of us. They are all arranged chronologically so it will literally be like watching the story of our life together unfold and then vanish. I have been putting it off for well over a year and I do not look forward to it. Seems like the type of thing you do with a bottle of wine. When I think about having to do that, all of the scenes from our life and memories flood into my head....first date, spending time with friends, holidays together, vacations, our wedding, the birth of our son......and I wonder where did all of the love and kindness from those things go for her? I don't think I have heard so much as one single reminiscence of good times from her since the day she dropped the bomb. That burns a bit...was I living them alone? Was I living a lie?

Guess I need to dump my wedding ring and some other sentimental gifts from her that I have been clinging to....that's gonna be hard, but I think I have to in order to press on.

Crimson

Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 456
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 456
Crimson- I get signs all the time, too (it's been awhile, but I get more when I specifically ask for them). They aren't subtle, usually, and on more than one occasion one of my friends has looked at me afterwards and said, "that can't be a coincidence". Use them for comfort, at the very least.

The anger and resentment is normal. Let yourself feel it and move it out. It sounds like you have made quite a transformation. Be proud of the work you're doing. Your son will be.


Me: 39
H: 45
Second marriage for both
H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,326
C
Crimson Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,326
Than you for the kind words, Artsy. I ask a lot for signs.....but like I said, I never really know if I am seeing/hearing my voice or something a tad more divine. I wish things were more clear sometimes.

I am grateful for the changes that I have made....the 180 I did in terms of being dad especially. That has been the most rewarding of all......maybe because I can see that it is appreciated immediately and the love is returned. Or maybe because I know that I broke a generational streak of workaholic let-mom-do-it dads. Either way, my relationship with my S has become rock solid. He is truly my best friend.

Trying to focus on doing the right things and being a good person regardless of how difficult it is. Not to be a doormat, but to at LEAST try to respect/practice kindness in. I always was told that it is easy to practice kindness with those you love or respect....the true human challenge is to try to do it for those who make it difficult. I won't get stomped on, but I am going to try to rest my ego and feelings a bit.

Crimson

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,326
C
Crimson Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,326

Heart hurts a bit this morning. I'll explain.

S and I had a great few days together. Last night, at his request, we set up a tent in the backyard at night a decided to camp together. He packed in some of his toys, his favorite blanket and stuffed animal, our dog and we just had a ball. We watch a show on Netflix on my phone and had a bunch of good laughs. He eventually got a bit creeped out and wanted to go back inside....so we did, but for the first try we did OK. I got up in the morning, made him breakfast, packed his lunch with a note in it, got him dressed and we took off for pre-school.

About 5 minutes into our run down the freeway, he asks "Who's going to pick me up after school today? Dad! I want you to pick me up, OK, please?". I was able to change the topic on him for about 5 or 10 minutes and as we got nearer to his school he started again. "Dad, come pick me up after school - OK?" - over and over again...with more desperation creeping into his little voice. I kept trying to change the topic, but he would NOT let it go. Finally we arrived at school and I unfastened his safety seat. He wouldn't get out. I asked him to come on out and he said "If you promise to come get me I'll get out". I had to reach in and get him. It was clear that his mood was shifting to sadness. I did not let him see my emotions and remained pretty level (difficult). He was for sure not on his game when we got into school - he wrapped his arms around my leg and still begged me to come get him after school....he would not be deterred no matter how I tried to change the topic. I lifted him up and took him out to the playground with the other kids and teachers. He was definitely feeling insecure by now. I gave him a big hug and usually he pulls back to give me a little kiss and a "head butt" when I drop him off. He would not let go of the hug...it was a soft death grip. I tapped one of the aids on the shoulder and mouthed to her that he was having a hard time. She reached up to get him from me and literally had to pry him away....he gripped onto my shirt so hard some of the snaps came undone. While he was in the teacher's aide's arms I put both of my hands on his cheeks and gave him a kiss and said "I'll see you soon, buddy". He reached out for me. I turned and walked away. I made it to my car and the wall of tears and sadness that I put up just shattered. I lost it. I hated to see him so sad an unable to reassure him. I wanted to tell him I would love to pick you up. I wanted to tell him a million different things to comfort him....and I could say nothing at all. Do see him deflate like that, and get so sad so fast -- it shatters my heart. To listen to him beg and plead for me to come get him so he doesn't have to go to his mother's house tears me apart ("Promise you'll get me dad! Double promise!").

I sat in my car for 10 minutes trying to process the pain of saying goodbye to him till Sunday at 5.....trying to process anger at XW for putting us through this....and then trying to process that over the next few days she will put him in front of OM so they can presumably "bond"....that boils my blood when I realize I just had to break his heart and drop him off.

X still blames me for his difficulty going from house to house. Says that if I wasn't sad he wouldn't be either. I kept my emotions to myself. I always do...I do NOT break down in front of him. It feels as if she will do ANYTHING to avoid having to look at the pain she has caused. THAT is why I get angry that she gets to me happy and cozy in a new R....ignoring the fact that S is struggling sometimes....she just stays on her happy little island and asks for pictures and updates on S.

I have become a great father and a better man. I wish she could see and appreciate it but so far nope.....this life seems better for her....JUST her. The pain of bonding with my S is that it makes it that much harder to say goodbye. I love that kid so much it tears my heart out to see him wanting to be with me and he can't....because I want to be with him, too. We are both feeling the pain of separation and there is nothing we can do but try to work through it together as best we can.

Crimson

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,326
C
Crimson Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,326
Sorry to vent.....just needed a boost.

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 794
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 794
I find it a bit ironic that I have to go outside the scriptures to adequately explain some of this, but this is one of the best pictures I can paint:

A farmer and his son had a beloved stallion who helped the family earn a living. One day, the horse ran away and their neighbors exclaimed, “Your horse ran away, what terrible luck!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.”

A few days later, the horse returned home, leading a few wild mares back to the farm as well. The neighbors shouted out, “Your horse has returned, and brought several horses home with him. What great luck!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.”

Later that week, the farmer’s son was trying to break one of the mares and she threw him to the ground, breaking his leg. The villagers cried, “Your son broke his leg, what terrible luck!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.”

A few weeks later, soldiers from the national army marched through town, recruiting all the able-bodied boys for the army. They did not take the farmer’s son, still recovering from his injury. Friends shouted, “Your boy is spared, what tremendous luck!” To which the farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.”


Crimson, I believe in a benevolent God. I believe that He works all things out for our good. I believe we cannot adequately understand or interpret anything as ultimately good or bad until we get to the end of our life (one of the greatest tragedies in my own life probably ended up saving it, literally). Seeming tragedies do, in fact, turn into blessings if we can learn to let go a little bit and let God. This doesn’t mean that God wants bad things to happen to us. I don’t believe He does. I don’t believe He wanted you to be hurt as you were. I don’t believe He expects us not to be in pain and live as robots. He does understand your hurt. I do believe, however, that if you open up your heart and mind, He can do great things. I believe that you did hear God speaking to you in that candlelight service. However, I think sometimes when our expectations aren’t met, we are quick to doubt ourselves. God told you to give her back to Him because He has work to do. And you have done that. I don’t know if that means He returns her as your wife. There might be another purpose. There might be something else that He has worked out. But trust Him. Please. Trust yourself. According to Scripture, Jesus was crucified because He didn’t meet the expectations of the religious elite of the day. They expected a Messiah with military might, in the order of King David, who would deliver them from the hands of their captors (Rome at the time). When He didn’t do that, they doubted Him and crucified Him (obviously a bit simplified but still true). Problem was that God’s plan was far better and they didn’t realize it. They chose unbelief rather than faith and their lives were ruined because of it. They just couldn’t see the better plan that was right in front of them because they lacked faith and their hearts were completely hardened. I am so sorry for what has happened to you. I am so sorry for your pain and hurt. But I beg you to please keep your heart open and choose faith over unbelief. Faith in God. Faith in you. Faith that you will heal. Faith that your son will heal. Faith that you will be vindicated and she will see your good heart even if only as a friend. Faith that everything you are going through has a good purpose. Faith that you are loved. And faith that your life will be good. Just let go and trust God. That is true acceptance.

At the risk of sounding like I’m offering you simple platitudes, I want to tell you that I look forward to the day that I wander on here again and you are telling everyone how great life is turning out because I KNOW that day is coming. Just like Sunday came for Jesus, that day is coming for you. Just believe.

LIS


Me- 40
H - 43
M - 5
T - 14
Separated 2/5/11
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,326
C
Crimson Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,326
Thank you for the very thoughtful post, LIS. You clearly put a lot of thought into it and it resonates with me. Letting go and trusting is hard for me....probably for everyone. I feel so much that my happiness resides with my family...and with being a full time dad to my beautiful little boy. Hard to give up that vision, but I am learning to.

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 794
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 794
I don't want you for one single second to give up that ultimate vision of having a beautiful family with you. I want you just to believe in God's love for you and see that it might look a little different than what you originally had in mind. But that doesn't mean it won't be just as wonderful or even more wonderful. It is hard to imagine that at the moment, I know. We are human and see things in the here and now. That is where faith needs to take over. Because there are long term plans for you. Forever plans for you. I don't want you to give up your dreams and visions. I want you to enlarge them!

LIS


Me- 40
H - 43
M - 5
T - 14
Separated 2/5/11
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,326
C
Crimson Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,326
That's just it....it's the difference between accepting "a" family and "my" family...the one I once had. That's what's hard to let go of and trust that something better is coming. I can't imagine something better than NOT saying goodbye to my little boy for 5 nights at a time.

Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard