Something my W said last night has me perplexed. Not the first time this has kind of thing has happened and not sure how she expects me to react or why. On Sunday I took a picture of her that turned out well. My W cropped it and decided to replace her older photo and use this one as her Facebook photo, you know the one that comes up when you see them on Facebook. She has lost a lot of weight and changed her hair, wears more make-up, etc. and is always worried about how other people see her (she thinks other men don't look at her but she is VERY wrong about that!)Well, her bestfriends boyfriend saw the picture and he is obsessed with it. Went on and on about how great she looks and is bugging her to "get together" with my wife since she posted it! My W tells me this smiling and thinks it's just SOOO great! Of course her best friend is one of the people telling her how she needs to divorce me, said that the only reason she's with this guy is because she likes the sex and said "It's a good thing I really don't give a damn about him or I'd be upset about the way he's drooling over you". This woman, back around the time of B-day, suggested that my W have sex with her boyfriends son to "get it out of her system" and see if she really did want to leave me! Thank God my W told her that isn't something she would do and this woman made fun of her saying "Oh, I forgot, you're a good girl", just what someone going thru MLC needs to hear!It make's my W think that being "bad" is a way of being "independent". This is her new MLC friends, classy people don't you think?
Now, why tell me this? Does she think that it makes me feel good that the person who tells me that I'm not good enough for her is being lusted after? She definitely enjoys it, you can tell from her smile and attitude. Would she like it if I told her some bimbo was lusting after me? No, she wouldn't. Hell, some woman who works at a different office in my building invited me to go out with a group, all very innocent, and she got upset just a few months ago. She got upset that an old girlfriend I hadn't seen or spoken to in 25 years messaged ME on Facebook but messages her old fiance and says that's none of my business (this was pre B-day). Does she want me to be jealous? I can't see why she would since she has made it clear I'm not someone she wants, even after 25 years together.
Do they enjoy saying things that they hope are hurtful even though I'm not hurt, I'm disappointed that this person that I have loved and respected for so long would get such a rush from some slease lusting after her! There are so many things for her to feel good about herself about. Her work, her kids, etc. and this is what makes her happy to hear? It's not like I didn't give her positive feedback about her looks for the last 25 years. But, every time I would tell her how beautiful she was, she would tell me I was either lying or that I was the ONLY man in the world that saw her that way. She even said at one time I must have a "brain problem" that made me see her that way! Now that she's so thin people think she is ill, she thinks she is hot but of course, my opinion isn't one she values. What the hell happened to the woman I knew! Is this part of her MLC? I thought it was about her wanting to be independent and wanting to make her mark, maybe it's just about her wanting to be seen as hot by strangers and a#$*&les! Another day, another way to lose hope she'll ever get through the tunnel!
I warned you from the very beginning that this will be a long, long, long process that can take years. You've been at this only...what...1 to 2 months. A baby really.
Do they enjoy saying things that they hope are hurtful even though I'm not hurt, I'm disappointed that this person that I have loved and respected for so long would get such a rush from some slease lusting after her!
Absolutely not. They aren't doing this to hurt the spouse at all. It is all ABOUT them. The MLCer, in the beginning stages, is in "me, me" mode. It is not your position to be disappointed, but just be detached and not judging your W.
They're looking for external validation from others. For me, I had my own OW. So we look outwardly for validation for various reasons...your W seems concerned about losing her youthful looks as she ages so she seeks 'validation' from other men and people that she is still indeed attractive. Your W does NOT want to hear from you as she sees you as the problem, not her. So no comments about her looks or whatnot.
What the hell happened to the woman I knew! Is this part of her MLC?
Yup. It is NOT you.
Another day, another way to lose hope she'll ever get through the tunnel!
Hope for what, Matt?! Having any type of hope while your spouse is in MLC is futile. On the other hand, having faith while the spouse is in MLC is a good thing. Faith that somehow things will work themselves out in the end. This is what FY and T (TSquared 2) are living day in and day out with their MLC wives.
Matt, it will take years before W ever emerges out of the tunnel. Just so you are aware of this, if this hasn't gotten through to you by now.
Thanks FY and Wonka. That's what I've been trying to do for a long time now. Her MLC started long before B-day. She stopped being a wife and mother years ago and spent all her time either working or with her work friends. Even decided that we didn't even need to vacation together or with the kids, that's what her dad's family does. It's been 10 months since b-day and it took me until last Dec. to realize it was MLC and stop trying to "fix" myself or her. Since then I haven't asked her not do anything, gotten upset about the things she did that would have upset me in the past (like getting drunk and staying out all night, spending money we don't have to go on trips to visit her dad and leaving me to take care of the kids, home, etc., going away "for work" for weeks at a time and again, leaving me to take care of everything, etc.). I have given her space in spades and remained supportive when she does things of value.
At the start of all this I said things that I now know were wrong and I no longer believe (I told her when she said she wanted to "be on her own, in control of every part of her life" that she wouldn't make it on her own, she needed me, something I regret and came up in our last "talk" a few weeks ago when I told her of course she would be fine on her own, that's not in question. She told me that wasn't what I said before and I told her I was hurting back then and apologized)and I've tried to show her through my actions and attitude that I understand what she is going through much better now. Of course, can't just say that as that would sound like I know better than her what she needs, a big no-no!
The hard part is when she says and does things TRYING to get me to react. It's gotten to where I can see it in her face when she does this, a sort of "test" to see if she can't get me to react badly. Also, the stress of being in charge of the finances when she spends and won't listen when I tell her we don't have the money to do something she wants to do and acts like a kid whose parent said "no" to something they want. Also, when the things she does effect my kids and hurt them, it's hard to be her "friend" when she is so uncaring about her own kids.
It's been "all about her" for so very long now and the worst things that entails are on the horizon, like having to tell my daughter she can't go to the school she has been told her whole life she would be going to only because mom "needs" to "find her joy" and live apart from us. So, while I know what you are saying is so very true. That that is how I MUST be if I ever want her to come through this, there are times that is just so very hard. Thanks for the reminder. It does help to hear others say that there can be hope if I can do what I know I should. Sometimes it gets hard to be strong and detached.
I will say this...at the start of this, post B-day, W said she wanted a D, no hope that our marriage could EVER get better and she had no intention to "try" even if it could. This is no longer the case. Now, she isn't in a hurry to D. She just wants to be on her own and separated, not D. Of course she has reasons like health insur. and such but it's a big step from "I want a D and I will not even think about trying". Even her saying "If we ever do try again, which is a big if, it will have to be slow" is a step up from her previous attitude. Of course this could all change in an instant if OP enters the picture (other than her father, of course)but it is something. Part of the problem is there really isn't a place in our small home where she can go and have her "own space". She sleeps on the couch and that isn't a good long term solution to her space problem. I think if she could have a room of her own she would feel better about an "in-home" separation. Only time will tell.
Thanks for the reminder guys, some days are better than others and this weekend was bad.
If you read through all the sitches here, and from the past in the archives, you will see this is pretty normal, this behavior of hers.
MLC'ers are self-absorbed, it IS about them. They are trying to save themselves. Please try to not look for ANYthing from her right now. Nada, Zilch, ZIP. You only hurt yourself doing so.
I'm 2.5 + years into phase 2 of my W's 5 year journey, I started here a few months after BD, not knowing what I was really dealing with, so I highly suggest digging in to sitches and archives here to learn...it will give you clarity and eventually you will learn acceptance and have some peace.
The sooner you accept, and begin working on yourself, taming your ego (that was particularly hard for me), figure out what YOU want YOUR life to look like, with or without her, the sooner you will feel better, the sooner you will create your own peace.
And you know, when I first started reading here and saw people posting that their spouses MLC was the best thing that ever happened to them, I did not understand how or why....I do now...It's the breaking of the old patterns, the opportunity for self growth, becoming the person we are meant to be. But you have to do the work on yourself to gain from this nightmare. My W's MLC, painful as it has been, is the best thing that has happened to me, because of who I am now. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
But you have to do the work, tame your ego, accept and stop trying to control the outcome.
Just my 2.5 cents...YMMV...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks Wonka. I guess my time line isn't clear. W has been in MLC for years. Started about a year after she went back to work when she stopped doing ANYTHING with me or the kids.(about 3 years ago) Spent all her time working and with her friends from work. Of course I was worried that she had just come out of a long bout with depression and not knowing ANYTHING about MLC, didn't know what the heck was up with her. Just before B-day, W tells me she thinks she has hormone problems and wondering if she might be having an MLC! Than after many tries to make things better including my getting a vasectomy, comes B-day. That was 10 months ago.
I believed that the reasons she said at the start were real and I went about trying to be a better husband. Of course as everything she said no longer was valid, she came up with new reasons. It got so bad at one point she said she couldn't stand the way I chew my food, so she has to divorce me! I tried other marriage "saving" sites and books. On one of them I met someone who described what I was going through perfectly. That's when I looked into MLC.
The first book I saw listed 15 things that an MLC W is doing. All 15 were things my wife was doing. The more I read, the more I became certain that this was the problem. That was about 5 months ago. Since then I have changed the way I had been acting. I have tried to detach, GAL, give her space. Little did I know that back in Dec. she snooped on another web site where I had vented BEFORE I knew this was MLC and she of course didn't say anything but her attitude got worse, ring came off, left bedroom, all because of one post that she read more into than was even there AND no longer reflected how I felt. This I just found out a couple weeks ago.
As you know in her MLC mind what she read must be how I felt now and it didn't matter to her that for months I've done nothing but give her the space she wants. When she talked to me finally I think she understands that I am miles from where I was back then but you know how the selective memories have a way of only seeing and remembering "bad", never good.
So, it's been much longer than 1-2 months and I'm sorry I didn't make that clear at the start. This is the first site I found that is about the MLC S and doesn't tell you to do all the wrong things like make ultimatums and "demand" better behavior or even one that suggested "dating" other women to make my W jelous! Don't worry, I wasn't THAT stupid! I have watched my W go from a caring mother to acting like a teenager who forgets school meetings and instead goes out with her friends after work (8 months ago). I've had to tell her 14 year old daughter many times that mommy doesn't hate her or not want to spend time with her when she tells her she can't do something with her but then goes and does the same thing without her with her "friends". She hasn't cooked a meal in more than a year but bakes and cooks all kinds of things for her to take to her friends at work. I only wish it had only been a couple months of this. I also wish that I had known about MLC from the start of this, maybe things would have gone differently, maybe not.
They say you get BD around 50% of the way through...so far, my sitch matches...but all the mlcs are unique.
It would have gone differently, just not sure "how" (better or worse).
Some good threads to read are Sandi2's (to get the woman WAW/mlc side/experience), HRM134, Raine, Takevowsseriously, of course all of Cadet's homework should be read and reread, especially AmyC's posts and job's postings.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
You're spinning way too fast, Matt. You gotta find a way (GAL, detach, PMA) to slow down and relax, or you will surely self destruct!
You didn't ask for this, but neither did she. It's something that was foisted on both of you. Keeping this in mind may help you stop blaming her, and seeing yourself as the victim.
We all are flattered to know someone fancies us. This doesn't mean we are going to jump in bed with 'em. The fact that your W is TELLING you about this stuff (as does mine) is a good sign. Do you think she would tell you if she was actually doing someone? Or seriously thinking about it?
I choose to be the friend my W feels comfortable opening up to. It seems to be working for us.
If it turns out she does cheat, you can deal with it then. No need to worry yourself bald about it now.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
