Have I any hope...?

[bashy]

Apologies. I posted this in Hopefulness section but should have posted here as a newbie. Anyway, my story. I hope someone can help/advise....


Newbie from the UK. Love the site. Has given me hope reading some of the posts and advice.. or is it false expectations.
Need some help if anyone is interested. I'll put in bullet point form and then explain further if people have questions. Sorry if it’s really long.
- Dated partner 11 years; married nearly three before she told me she loved me but wasn't in love with me back in October
- lived with her and our only daughter (10) until new years to have a final xmas together
- we slept together twice in that time but second time we both said it didn't feel right. Still shared a bed that whole time.
- we have split twice before. First time after two years was her decision. I was an idiot. Didn't take care of myself physically etc Then she took me back. Then a few years later I messed around texting other girls before it was me who dumped her. My mum had died a few weeks before hand and my head was messed up. We got back together within 18 months and life was perfect. We got married two years later.
- I promised to get act my together. Got a great new job but it was night shift but lost over two stone and really taking care of myself. (She told me only last week that I was looking the best I’ve ever looked.)
- But my work affected our relationship. She warned me we were passing ships but I was more concerned with securing our financial future. I was tired at weekends. I never made ‘us’ time. She started going out with her sister towards the end and that was when she told me.
- After the split I cried, pleaded, got angry etc but for last two months I’ve read comments on this site ie don’t be clingy, don’t text, be courteous and helpful when needed with regard to daughter.
- We now have a great relationship ie her comment about how I looked last week, could I lift my top up to see if I had a six pack, we talked today for 25 minutes about our daughter. She texts me a few days a week but mainly about daughter.
- We’ve been for the odd Burger King meal etc with daughter to make things seem normal and promised to take her shopping soon for clothes for the summer.
- I know were I went wrong. I didn’t make her feel like we were together. We didn’t go out enough as a couple. She did say she didn’t want to be a boring house wife. She also said at the time that maybe she was going through what I went through after my mum died. No one has died on her but her dad is sick and she is the same age I was when I split with her. I also know she texted a few guys after we split but while I was still at home but is adamant she never cheated. I believe her.
Anyway, I’m sure I’ve left loads out but I want to know what you guys think. Is there hope? What should I do? Continue looking after myself and hope? She hasn’t mentioned divorce. Still uses my surname. Don’t know what to do.
Thanks all!

[bashy]

I probably sound like an idiot from what I have said above. However, once we got back together after I had been an idiot by texting women etc I really did give 110% to our relationship ie I was faithful, became a good husband, dad, and in fact her mum, who absolutely hated me, is now devasted we have split up. All her family are.
I mentioned the 25 minute phone call the other day. We mainly talked our daughter and again brought up that she'd told our little one that mummy and daddy would always be friends. Ofcourse, that hurt but I remember the 'don't believe what they say and less than 50% of what they do' mantra.
Then yesterday I got a text from WAW. She's been contacting me quite a lot these past few weeks. 95% of the time it's do to with little one but I've been taking on board all the tips on this forum. No contact first etc.
Anyway, it was to say that she had been asked for ID in the supermarket for buying alcohol. She's 31 but the till girl thought she was 22. She was delighted with this and left me a ;-) at the end of the message. I left it a bit before texting back 'Show off :-)'. Then she responded by saying I was 'jealous haha'. I didn't respond back.
Then about an hour later she rang me after I text asking for her driver's number as we had just sold our car. I flirted a little on the phone but not over the top. Then said goodbye first.
Sooooo, I get the feeling there is hope here. But I'm trying not to get too excited. Such a long way to go but really am trying to change things for the better for ME. I'm just hoping she sees these changes and brings up our marriage again but in a positive talk.
Thanks for anyone who reads this.

[bashy]

Posted this on another thread but thought I'd update.
I've been following Sandi2's 37 Rules. No contact first. Trying to say goodbye in a phone call. etc etc
We're getting along brilliantly when we do chat usually to do with daughter.
ANyway, I was getting joke texts from my daughter's phone earlier then realised it was the WAW doing it with daughter beside her. I'm collecting her for hore riding lessons but we'd been organising me doing the pick up and dropping off.
ANyway, I rang wife to say was that her messaging on daughter's phone and she was laughing with daughter beside. I was laughing hard too. It was funny. It was like the old days. We've the same sense of humour.
Anyway, I know if I was to mention this she'd retreat into her shell saying I need to get over things. We're over etc.
I kinda feel that we're getting along great because I haven't brought up our separation/relationship in well over a month now. But I get the feeling she's saying to herself..."Great. He's finally accepted we're over. Now we can get along as friends without hassle and the way I want it".
Anyway, I ended the call first as recommended but told her if she needed to talk (as her dad is sick) to just ring. I'm here if she needs to chat and get things off her chest. I hope this isn't going to far.

[MrBond]

First off, sorry that you find yourself on here. You won't find a better group of people to help you in your marriage.

Next, have you read DB or DR? You have to read those in order to understand the concepts presented here. That list of rules is actually in the book. Sandi is a poster who just retyped the whole thing.

[bashy]

Hi MrBond. Thank you for your kind words. DB just arrived in the post today and I'm a quarter of the way through. Just wish my WAW could read it!

[Nettles]

Bashy, sorry that you are in your situation.

I think you need to consider the difference between expectations and hopes. You can have any of one right now and you always need the other.

One leads to disappointment and one leads to happiness and joy.

I'll leave it to you to figure out which is which.

[Nettles]

quick update to previous post: You CAN'T have any of one right now and you always need the other.

[bashy]

I expect the worst and hope for the best. How's that for an answer! LOL
I'm the eternal pessimist but really trying to be positive especially in front of her. I WILL NOT let my guard slip.
I just cannot understand how we get along so well yet we aren't together... Honestly, we were laughing aware so hard at the pretend text messages earlier.
But I suppose I do understand. As said previously, we didn't go out too much as a couple or with our friends as a couple. I'm more of a homebird than her. Plus she said she didn't fancy me anymore despite by great weight loss.
However, I have been going out more, enjoying my friends more etc and she is aware of this. But I'm doing this for me. Not her. Ofcourse, I do hope she sees the changing me and decides to give it another go.
Perhaps it's telling she hasn't asked for a divorce but some of my friends say that is because of the cost. But I don't buy that. Also, she hasn't changed her surname at all ie FB etc. It's all very confusing.

[Nettles]

She may not want D, but she does want change. This comment sticks out so far: "She warned me we were passing ships"

How can you do your part to change that? What else was there that you can change to improve things besides being less of a homebird? Some of what you write has the feel of "it is just like it used to be". I'm guessing because you are taking some of the pressure off with what you are doing. But she wants changes.

[bashy]

Apologies I didn't thank you for your first comments Nettles.
Well, I suppose not being a homebird and perhaps changing my work pattern to day shift instead of night (even though it's a drastic pay cut - although I would do this for our marrage).
As you picked up on, we hardly saw each other during the week then when the chance came at the weekend I would have rather sat in than go out. That is now changing but the problem is is that we no longer live together/are separated so how do I rectify this? All I can do is show that I am going out more with friends etc which I have been doing. The most recent was on Sunday when she asked what I was up to that day/night. I said I was going out. She asked who with. I said friends to a house party. Why is she asking that if she doesn't care? Or is she being polite?
Before I found this site I did the 'wrong' things. Asking her to reconsider, being needy etc. When I pushed too hard she said she didn't want to hurt my feelings but that she didn't fancy me anymore.
I found that difficult to take but hard to believe. We had been having a good sex life. Not the most adventurous but still regular and she seemed satisfied. Why have regular sex (which I didn't always push for) if she wasn't fancying me anymore?
These are questions I'm still struggling with but I'm trying to put to the back of my mind as I turn my life around.