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Tx Job... I had read all about it but wanted reassurance. I suspected that to be the case. Wondered how long he will be angry and how I should be dealing with it.

Worked today, dodging his irritableness (is that even a word?). Had a good time with client appointment. When clients left, he needed to go into town, so I told him to go, that I would stay behind.... then... via text... coffee?

I texted back "I really need to use the washroom and to go to moms for paperwork, etc... tx, anyway" When he arrived, I didn't notice any coffee for himself & told him that I would be back in a half hour or 45. Will call him in bit, and left.

I am now at moms... going to get some work done here & then pop back in at the lot before heading out for the evening.

~~~~~~

I am concerned that rejecting his offers for coffee will pull his progress back. If he does not feel that he is in a reciprocating relationship/friendship, he will pull out/away. Especially if he feels that I am entertaining other men. Recently, when I assured him that I did not have bf's or dates he was much more interested to make slow pursuit. I know and he says he does not like to thikn of me with other men. I believe he has fears of loyalty/infidelity too. However, even tho I have reassured him... he was happy, baiting me...but not committing. If I was tainted from an affair...he would not. I think he would be done. HOnesty is paramount to him ... me too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tonights agenda is a social gathering with the women from my womens support group. It should be fun, food, hottub, fire & drinks. I could really use the social time !!!


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
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"is it script that while you begin to exert your self-value by the declared boundary, that the WAS/MLC'er expresses their irritability? This is the second day of his irritableness and I am dodging bullets"

How do you know you're the cause of him being irritated? Did he say you're making him irritated?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Magic,
It wouldn't hurt to accept his offer of coffee once in a while as long as you have no expectations and do not mind read the offer. It is an offer of just coffee, nothing more. I'm sure if it was a friend who offered you coffee, you would have accepted it once in a while...am I correct on this?

You do realize that there are no steadfast rules on what to do or not do. You have to try different things and if something isn't working, try something different. Also, what may work in on poster's situation, may not be the proper thing to do in your own. Again, there is no right or wrong way...you have to be willing to step outside the box and try different things.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Bond... Hi Job,

Bond.. Hmm. I guess I don't know "officially" that his reason for irritability was me. However, he did clarify that I wasn't doing things the way he wanted... I instead was reading... and that bugged him. He said my reading wasn't beneficial to him. I was reading a relationship book. I stated that I was reading it because knowing that I own a car, does not make me a mechanic. I put the book down and started to do the things he was p!ssy about.

Job... thats the thing, I would have expectations and mind read... but, its a goal to try to view it that way. Maybe I will try to have a coffee and not sit there waiting for him to R talk. The thing is, is that I know he is trying to keep connections that hook me. So, maybe I will have a coffee and walk away. I dunno.. I am still vulnerable to be hooked.

I understand the concept to try different things.... I believed that I was on the right path when he was sharing coffee time, then dinner, then beer, etc. Suggesting that he wants more, etc.... except outside of a commitment/exclusive. Otherwise, I would still believe what I was doing...was working.

I like the pearlharbr story, it worked for her. Mosts importantly with self respect. It is an amazing story & I keep re-reading the good parts. The parts that made her xbf jealous & "wonder" are inspiring.. I just don't think its a good strategy for me... therefore I want to tweak her story to make it suit my sitch.... I just don't know what to change up without challenging his faith and belief in me. Regardless, I still need to do it.... regardless of the outcome.... I just want to make sure I am not sabotaging things. I am willing.., just need clear guidance.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Tonight was a lot of fun... lots of women gathering for food, chit chat, deep convo's, wine, connection, hot tub & fire...then more talk...lol I am sooooooo happy that I have these women who genuinely care about my well being and my progress toward my goal. One suggestion that keeps popping up is to introduce the suggestion of a mens weekend away.... I found some further info about dates/location. I would just LOVE to tell Xbf all about it. He seems somewhat interested in self-help, but cannot justify the time it takes. He is full of excuses (like I was). I am not sure how to approach, or if now is the right timing... since I am trying to be firm on my boundary and not pursue. During a time where NO mistakes, NO waffling.... is permitted.

I guess at this point it doesn't really matter, as the mens weekend for self discovery is scheduled this coming weekend (kinda soon). I am grateful that its within my area... very happy about that. Makes it possible, not such a big deal...for someday.


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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"Bond.. Hmm. I guess I don't know "officially" that his reason for irritability was me. However, he did clarify that I wasn't doing things the way he wanted... "

Then clarify and ask questions rather than just taking it.

"I instead was reading... and that bugged him. He said my reading wasn't beneficial to him."

He actually said those exact words to you? Regardless of that, it doesn't mean that you were the source of him being irritated. You could just as well have told him that you don't appreciate him talking to you that way and then left.

"The thing is, is that I know he is trying to keep connections that hook me. So, maybe I will have a coffee and walk away. I dunno.. I am still vulnerable to be hooked."

Still mindreading this action since Day 1.

"I like the pearlharbr story, it worked for her. Mosts importantly with self respect. It is an amazing story & I keep re-reading the good parts. The parts that made her xbf jealous & "wonder" are inspiring.."

You still don't get it. You have to understand the WHOLE thing rather than just the parts you agree with. That's why it worked for her because she was able to learn from the good AND the bad parts.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Quote:
"However, he did clarify that I wasn't doing things the way he wanted... I instead was reading... and that bugged him. He said my reading wasn't beneficial to him. I was reading a relationship book. I stated that I was reading it because knowing that I own a car, does not make me a mechanic. I put the book down and started to do the things he was p!ssy about."


so you're at "work" reading a relationship book, then got snarky when he called you out on it, and what response did you expect?

from everything you've described about him and his work ethics and his attitude towards work, he acted exactly how i would have expected him to, and i dont even know the guy.

if my boss or business partner caught me goofing off reading a relationship book, while i wasnt doing what they asked/wanted me to do, i think they have the right to get upset.

and if i then made some snide remark about it, then absolutely they have right to be cranky, I would have deserved it and asked for it.



But you left out all those important details from your original post: the fact YOU CAUSED his irritability.

was your intention to get sympathy from us? or try to prove you're a martyr? or that he's some irrational person?

from my perspective you caused it by your choice of actions, you added to it by your response, and you acted irresponsibly by not doing your job and not expecting his exact response and then complaining to us about him.


"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
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Magic,
There will be times that he'll test you and see where your head is at and then there will be times when he's just being himself. For some unknown reason, you now perceive everything he does as baiting you. Asking you if you want a coffee or going out for a drink is not baiting you. It's just asking you out. Now, if he begins to get nosey about your dating, then that's another story. That's your business and if you choose not to tell him what you are doing, then don't...but you are under no obligation to live like a nun for the rest of your life.

If you aren't comfortable w/relationship talks, then tell him that you aren't going to discuss it and walk away or change the subject...but at some point relationship talks may have to happen. You do tend to pick and choose from the conversations what you want to acknowledge and hear. I might be interpreting your postings incorrectly on this, but that's how it comes across. The best thing to do is listen and replay the entire conversation, not just certain parts of it.

As for Pearl, when she worked on herself and came to realize that no matter what happens she would be okay, that's when things began to change for her. Dropping the rope, accepting the situation and becoming all you can be are the keys. Learning to respect yourself first and then looking at the relationship for what it was and is now is also part of it.

It didn't take long for the new and improved you that you carried away from your retreat to go by the wayside. Magic, you have to be determined to work on you and you alone. Dig deep for that self respect and if you respect yourself and set your boundaries, then others will learn to respect you for the intelligent person that you are.

As for your SO, keep your conversations to work and don't engage in relationship talks right now. Your focus has to be on the financials and on you and your daughter. If your SO truly wanted things to change, he would have been doing the work by now. I don't see any of that in your postings. He's all talk and nothing more.

Let's try to keep the focus on you and try to break the habit of blow by blow of the activities/interactions you have w/him. The sooner you let him go and think of him as just a co-worker, the better.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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WOW.. thanks for all the replies!!

Bond:
"Bond.. Hmm. I guess I don't know "officially" that his reason for irritability was me. However, he did clarify that I wasn't doing things the way he wanted... "

Then clarify and ask questions rather than just taking it.

>>>>> He was irritable before I got there... Getting prepared for client appointments, rushing. I know when he is irritable.

"I instead was reading... and that bugged him. He said my reading wasn't beneficial to him."

He actually said those exact words to you? Regardless of that, it doesn't mean that you were the source of him being irritated. You could just as well have told him that you don't appreciate him talking to you that way and then left.

>>>>>> Yes, he said those exact words.

"The thing is, is that I know he is trying to keep connections that hook me. So, maybe I will have a coffee and walk away. I dunno.. I am still vulnerable to be hooked."

Still mindreading this action since Day 1.

>>>>> Not mindreading... He has used those exact words to me. He also says that he is possibly trying to cake eat too.

"I like the pearlharbr story, it worked for her. Mosts importantly with self respect. It is an amazing story & I keep re-reading the good parts. The parts that made her xbf jealous & "wonder" are inspiring.."

You still don't get it. You have to understand the WHOLE thing rather than just the parts you agree with. That's why it worked for her because she was able to learn from the good AND the bad parts.

>>>>>> Don't assume that I don't get it. Yes, I am learning.
____________________________________

Gabby:

You love to use the word "bait ". He's not baiting you. Your choosing to see it as bait and get hooked. It's been going on for so long, there's nobody to blame but you. You buy into it...... You give up your " self-value". The second he starts an R talk. It's not his fault, he is not baiting you. You chose to take what you want from these " talks".

>>>>>>> I love to use the word bait (as it was given to me by Bond/Tallula.... I KNOW it is NOT him that baits me...its ME!! Yes, I get hooked. I hook myself. However, I do know that he wants to remain "connected" for his own safety net...he says so!

And what bond said up there^^^^^. Your not taking what you should be taking from pearl harbors story. The parts where her ex was jealous or making him wonder are completely not the point. The point you should be getting is way past the part where you say she used " tactics" . Your should really be focusing on the part where she truly dropped the rope and respected herself and held her boundaries.

>>>>>>>>>>> Yep. I agree!!! I think I came to realize this part overnight!! (today I have a different view).

If her ex never came back, who he as a true possibility for her and for you, she at least would have changed for the better and had healthier relationships going forward.

Your posts still read of every detailed interaction with him, how HE is reacting, what HE is doing. Him him him.

Who cares.

>>>>>>>>>>>> EXACTLY!!!! I need to focus more on me. Make my world about me & daughter. I NEED to take care of me... regardless of how it affects him. I see this TODAY!!!

________________________________

KenF:

so you're at "work" reading a relationship book, then got snarky when he called you out on it, and what response did you expect?

from everything you've described about him and his work ethics and his attitude towards work, he acted exactly how i would have expected him to, and i dont even know the guy.

if my boss or business partner caught me goofing off reading a relationship book, while i wasnt doing what they asked/wanted me to do, i think they have the right to get upset.

>>>>>>>>> this is par for the course in the car industry... Many employees sit around reading the newspaper. He was annoyed that I chose to read instead of sitting with him, the day before. I am his PARTNER, not employee. I do MY job at a home office. When I arrive at the LOT, I feel justified to read, chat on phone, pick my nose, OR putter around on our vehicles (like he does). He is NOT my boss.

and if i then made some snide remark about it, then absolutely they have right to be cranky, I would have deserved it and asked for it.

>>>>>>>>>>> I didn't make a snide remark...???

But you left out all those important details from your original post: the fact YOU CAUSED his irritability.

>>>>>>>>>>> His irritability comes from before I even got there.

was your intention to get sympathy from us? or try to prove you're a martyr? or that he's some irrational person?

>>>>>>>>>>>> Neither

from my perspective you caused it by your choice of actions, you added to it by your response, and you acted irresponsibly by not doing your job and not expecting his exact response and then complaining to us about him.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Not the case. I am his equal 50/50 partner. I do my job. However, I can see your point if you believed I wasn't doing my job and Im sure he feels this way at times. I will keep this in mind.
________________________________________

Job:

There will be times that he'll test you and see where your head is at and then there will be times when he's just being himself. For some unknown reason, you now perceive everything he does as baiting you. Asking you if you want a coffee or going out for a drink is not baiting you. It's just asking you out. Now, if he begins to get nosey about your dating, then that's another story. That's your business and if you choose not to tell him what you are doing, then don't...but you are under no obligation to live like a nun for the rest of your life.

>>>>>>>> Not sure if he is baiting with intent or not (not my point/or care). I have realized that I ALLOW it to affect me. I bait me. I have realized that I respond to it too. Yes, he questions if I am dating or not. Not sure which answer to give him on this. I am not dating.


If you aren't comfortable w/relationship talks, then tell him that you aren't going to discuss it and walk away or change the subject...but at some point relationship talks may have to happen. You do tend to pick and choose from the conversations what you want to acknowledge and hear. I might be interpreting your postings incorrectly on this, but that's how it comes across. The best thing to do is listen and replay the entire conversation, not just certain parts of it.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I believed that by not having the R talks he would bring up, meant that I wasn't open for discussion & possibility of reconciliation. These talks were happening too much, it was very difficult to replay the entire convo. Too much & circular. He likes knowing that I haven't moved on. He says its what brought him back into reconsideration for a possible reconciliation. For now, for my sanity... I think I shouldn't listen to his "talk" anymore. It baits/hooks me. "it" does. It keeps me "there" and he knows it. It prevents me from taking care of myself. (just realized THIS overnight)

As for Pearl, when she worked on herself and came to realize that no matter what happens she would be okay, that's when things began to change for her. Dropping the rope, accepting the situation and becoming all you can be are the keys. Learning to respect yourself first and then looking at the relationship for what it was and is now is also part of it.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I agree. and I want to be doing this much for myself now too.

It didn't take long for the new and improved you that you carried away from your retreat to go by the wayside. Magic, you have to be determined to work on you and you alone. Dig deep for that self respect and if you respect yourself and set your boundaries, then others will learn to respect you for the intelligent person that you are.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> Its not by the wayside completely... I think last night got me back on track... actually better on track as now I see the importance of taking care of my and my heart/head first.

As for your SO, keep your conversations to work and don't engage in relationship talks right now. Your focus has to be on the financials and on you and your daughter. If your SO truly wanted things to change, he would have been doing the work by now. I don't see any of that in your postings. He's all talk and nothing more.

Let's try to keep the focus on you and try to break the habit of blow by blow of the activities/interactions you have w/him. The sooner you let him go and think of him as just a co-worker, the better.

>>>>>>>>>>>>AGREE !!! I am strong when not around him. When I get with him, I lose my back bone. I need to take care of me, therefore I might avoid him for a little bit. To gain my balance. I still need to work with him, but will completely drop all interaction that does not pertain to business, taxes, and our financial agreement. Its been too confusing otherwise. I have allowed HIS confusion to suck me in. NO MORE! Not healthy for meeeeeeeeee !!

___________________________

Today, I have a ton of business, personal & DD taxes to review. I have not paid attention to the date. I need to focus on that, with a bit of me mixed in there. NOT HIM (anywhere).

I value myself because I am worth it!


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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"Not mindreading... He has used those exact words to me. He also says that he is possibly trying to cake eat too."

He actually said that he's trying to keep you on the hook? Those exact words?

">>>>>> Don't assume that I don't get it. Yes, I am learning."

I'm not assuming. I'm stating a fact. In fact, I'm not the only one who has pointed this out. If there is more than one person telling you this, have you ever thought that YOU could be the one in error?

">>>>>>> I love to use the word bait (as it was given to me by Bond/Tallula"

Again, don't misquote me in the wrong context. I may have said that a while ago, but your situation has changed but you remain in the same place. You think the same terms/rules that applied when you first started your sitch still apply now.

They don't.

Quite honestly, you're the only poster I know on this board that debates every point that people make to you.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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HI Bond,

I am sorry you feel that I am trying to debate..... I feel the opposite. I actually am trying to understand and I don't understand where you feel there is a debate.....especially after my last long message. I know that before I was guilty of debating. I debate by nature (out of curiosity, not to disagree or to challenge, but to further understand).

As for the hook/bait comments. His words are "I keep trying to have coffee/beer/dinner, etc to keep connected, and possibly for reconciliation" and "I realize I might be trying to cake eat".

Yes, more than one person has told me... but, there also comes a time when the light switches on... you can believe its finally time! Watch my actions (however, I may slip...that doesn't mean I haven't listened or might "debate" again)... I will remain a work in progress.

I didn't use the word "bait" in wrong context. I used to think it was something else. I fully know how to use it now. I like the word because It resonates with me... I will continue to use it.... I am not in the same place. I am not sure what you are referring to here. I am not applying any of the same rules and not sure how that relates to the term "bait"?

I sure hope you don't feel that I am debating, just because I ask the question for further clarity. Clarification purposes ONLY.

Tx, MM


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
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