I so agree with BA. It really doesn't have to be hard. My dear friend,simply ask Gabe to marry you. No wishy washy emotional craziness. Just you asking for what you want,what you need and dare I say, what your soul is dying for.
You don't have to make this into something major. A quiet ceremony at the courthouse. I am sure Marc would like nothing better.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
But what do I do when he says no? Where does that leave me?
You are all very strong and courageous people. I'm not. I can't be alone and I can't do it all myself. That's just not something I can even face.
UGH! I stinks to be so darned weak and useless.
SCENARIO 1: If he says no then it leaves you with the opportunity to move on. Being alone is not such a bad thing. It gives you a chance to build up your self-esteem and confidence. Once you feel more confident in yourself and in your ability to exist on your own I think you'll find yourself in a better position to one day eventually move on to a more fulfilling relationship with someone willing to fully commit to you. One in which you feel valued and confident in. Not one where you are walking on eggshells or constantly looking over your shoulder to make sure you haven't been left.
SCENARIO 2: He says yes and you finally start building a real commitment to each other. Putting it on the line to him may wake him up and realize what he has to lose. It could be a stepping stone to the relationship you really want with him and not the lukewarm, non-committal, one foot in and one foot out the door relationship that you seem to be in now.
Mish - I dragged my feet as well, until I finally got fed up with it. My ex and I at the time had been in limbo for almost 2 years. One evening in late January 2010 I asked her if we could have a talk. I chose a time where there was no real drama going on between us and I felt like we could have a rationale and calm conversation. I didn't give her a you must tell me right now ultimatum. Instead I told her that I felt like we had been stuck still standing at a fork in the road and one path took us towards full reconcilliation and the other took us in different directions. I told her that by Spring I wanted to be heading down either one of these paths. I told her that I still loved her and hoped it would be on the path towards reconcilliation, however I couldn't do it alone - it needed to be a joint commitment. I also told her that if she didn't want that then I was fully prepared to go down the path that took us in different directions.
The next day, she sent me an email that said that our talk made her for the first time in a long time stop trying to run from me and think seriously about moving back towards me. Unfortunately it did not move her enough to begin doing anything concrete towards saving the marriage and 4 months later, in late Spring of 2010 I moved on and began building a new life for myself. Today I'm more confident and happier in myself than I have been in a very long time. Do I wish we could have saved the marriage - sure if it had been a joint effort at building a mutually satisfactory relationship. She just never could commit to that. One thing I do know is that I wouldn't ever want to go back to the limbo stage we were in for so long. That was brutal.
It would just be incredibly lonely and I don't do lonely!
Mish, there is a VERY big difference between being lonely and being alone. I was wondering what you meant by that, but then I got to your next comment, which made me concerned.
Quote:
I don't enjoy my own company at all!
Wow, I'm not sure how to take this. Are you saying if you were on the outside and meeting you, that you wouldn't like you? Because that's how I see what you wrote.
If this is the case, Mish, why? Why do you feel this way about yourself when you want Gabe to love you more than you even like you? Is that possibly true? Cause on the outside, it looks like you want him to commit to you when you won't do it yourself.
Hugs,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Thank you for your insight BA. What you say makes a lot of sense in the logical part of my brain, the rest of my brain overrides that part though.
Betsey, I'm sorry to say but it's true. I don't like me. I've worked on that a lot but the best I've been able to do is tolerate me. I don't know why I would expect any more than that from Gabe when I can't give myself anymore than that. It's much better now that it has been in the past though. I used to loathe myself with an intense hatred. Now it's more like I'm that annoying neighbor you smile and and wave to when you pass by but you don't want to be sucked into a conversation with. KWIM?
Those who I interact with daily would have no idea any of this resides in my head. I have years of practice at hiding myself behind masks. Masks that make me more acceptable to the people around me. I can be the funny one, the caregiver, the listener, the supportive friend. I can do those things for other people but I can't do them for myself. I try, honestly I do, but the inner voice that has lived there FAR too long always pops in with "Yeah right. Do you actually believe the crap you are spouting? That amount of BS sunshine up the behind is not doing you a bit of good." You know....THAT voice.
Feeling I have to put up that front is exhausting so I tend to isolate myself a lot from others. When I get too tired from it all I just cocoon in my house and do nothing productive.
I know, it's dumb. I know it keeps any real intimacy out of my R's with others. There are only a few people who ever see behind that mask. Gabe, my BFF, and one of my cousins. The rest would run the other way in a heart beat if they saw the mess underneath.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
It's true G, there isn't one specific thing that I don't like. It's my personality in general. Things come out of my mouth and my brain hears them and stops to analyze why I said that, what I really meant by it, if it was appropriate, how the other person might misinterpret it, blah blah blah. I can be loud and boisterous sometimes and I think that puts people off. Also, I can't stand anything about the way I look. I see a ghastly beast so I avoid mirrors and cameras. It's rare that I let anyone take a picture unless it's an occasion I want to remember I was there for.
It's the combination of all those things that just makes me run away from myself. I wouldn't want to be around me much.
G, you are such an outgoing, smart, fabulous woman and I would be more than proud to call you my friend IRL or here. Here I spill my soul so no mask would be necessary IRL with any of you.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Happy Birthday! Ok, so I saw that you had received tons of b-day wishes so there are lots of people that love you.
How soon you forgot that he was gone before. You were alive and going forward with life. Maybe you hadn't got the feeling that you were getting through it because he came back. You deserve soooo much more than you give yourself credit for.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
