Going Crazy!!! Here is my story.....

[beachmx]

Wow – how did I find myself here? I want to thank the creators of this forum, and all those who contribute their experiences and ideas. This has truly relieved so much despair, and quite possibly save my marriage. And if it doesn’t, let my experience help others – may they be ok. And this is my story…

We dated for 6 yrs, been married for 11yrs. No kids, step son 21. H 43 (me), W42 Swingers for last 8 years. I want to stay together and save this marriage.
Were separated for 8 months in 2010, currently together in the same house.

Dropped the D bomb 4-12-14 after leaving for a week visiting relatives and to think. Possible random OM while away. Have been others. I have had others as well, so karma is a bitch. Will not try counseling.

We cried together for the first few days, sobbing like we lost a loved one. Or we lost our dream of love we had. It was tragic.

We both have been neglecting talking about our relationship, stuck dealing with huge financial troubles for the last 4 years. About to file BK, house in foreclosure… whole nine yards.

Reasons given:

1. Not attracted to me anymore. Feels it’s a Mother/Son relationship. We are both employed, but I bring home the lionshare. Didn’t become unhealthy, pick up any bad habits ect.

2. Don’t help around the house (cleaning, laundry, dishes). This is true. I never refuse to help her, but rarely take the initiative to perform those duties.

3. Were getting older and it’s time to be “happy’. Happy equals divorced at this point.

4. Knows I always wanted a child, and she did too while younger. But now has decided it’s too late for her.

This has left me in a whirlwind of despair, pain, anger, sadness. I’m going crazy. We still talk, watch tv together but sleep in separate rooms. There is no more ‘I love you’ from her, and feel she’s definitely made up her mind.

Naturally I did all the things you’re NOT supposed to do (listed on Sandi2’s list). I told her I loved her, was affectionate while watching tv, bought flowers home, cooked dinners. Snooped around on her phone/email. Just going crazy!!!

And finally last night I couldn't sleep, so rented ‘Secret life of Walter Mitty’. Inspirational. Then I googled and found DB! I stayed up all night, reading other stories, Sandi2’s rules and the 180 method. And at this point it’s a hail marry, so I’m committed to the 180. I also realized how I have contributed to the Mother/Son perception in the relationship – which isn’t very attractive.

I started right away with Sandi2’s list… and doing a 180:
As I was up all night I became hungry. It was 5:30am and I cooked a few eggs. As I was eating, my W woke up and came into the room. She couldn’t sleep anymore, so she wanted to cook eggs as well. She asked me where the fry pan was. I told her it was hanging on the pot rack. She was SHOCKED. She said ‘you always leave dirty pans on the stove’ (TRUE). I didn’t even acknowledge her pleasant surprise. Left it at that 

After sleeping for a few hours, I was in full Sandi2/180 mode: Confident, pleasant, no more longing hugs, inquiries about her day. I even dressed nicer before heading to work.

And I have to say, I was happier today - everywhere! I continued to beam, and tonight I even sat apart while watching tv, returned her calls after 15 mins, no more ‘love talk’ ect….

NOW, on to the question:

1. How far should I take this 180 idea in respect for dating others? I’m assuming it’s too much to start randomly dating or listing a profile on dating sites to increase value or the perception of moving on.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power

[Bunches]

I personally wouldn't think if you have spent years with an "open marriage" that attempting to date others would get any attention at this point. It sounds to me that your 180's should be on things you haven't been doing, like cleaning up after yourself in the kitchen. But be careful not to move too far too fast. You could quickly give the idea you are just changing habits to get attention. You might want to try looking into Five Love Languages book. Not sure, but if your W reacted so well to fry pan you might find that book to help your in expressing love in the ways more suited to her.

[beachmx]

Thanks for your responses! Since the first post was moderated, this is an update. I decided to NOT setup a dating profile, as this would signal a complete lack of respect. Taking the high road at this point.

Update Mon 4/21/14:

Wow, this method is WORKING. Not only have I regained a sense of peacefulness, but she is noticing all the changes.

On 4/18 she was planning on going out with friends. I knew this, and had inquired with who (before I found DB) and knew this was coming. She mentioned she was staying over her mom’s house and to not expect her home. I put on the strong face and was indifferent (even though I was going crazy inside). I went out myself and was surprised, she came home. Hmmm… interesting.

On 4/19 She asked me for a hug. It was a long embrace and she started whispering ‘I’m never going to find someone like you’. I pulled away early and she wouldn’t repeat the message, but this was the first sign of affection for a while! Is this really working???

A suggested book was delivered, “Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants: Timeless Wisdom on Being a Man”. Short. To the Point. Eye opening! Started implementing immediately.

We went out on that night (a date planned previous to DB) and had a great time. I took charge of the evening, displayed confidence and value, and made sure it was noticed. And frankly, I should have been doing this all along. At the end of the evening she mentioned ‘she was just trying to do the right thing’. We slept in separate rooms again, but she could not sleep. This 180 was starting to drive her crazy.

4/20 Easter. We would visit my in-laws for dinner typically, but I declined. I spent the day immersed in my hobby, and was happy. In the evening we watched TV together, but I made sure to sit apart and remain pleasant but distant. Before bedtime she hugged me and said ‘it was weird not having you there’. Yes, yes it was.

QUESTION:

1. When should I start acknowledging her compliments? When is too soon?

2. I’m still wearing my wedding ring, should I have taken this off before?

3. I want to plan other dates together, but unsure when to start. Is the goal to set up an ultimatum before we date again?
Thanks for reading, and to all DB’ers, whether or not this works for our marriage is to be seen. However, just implementing the strategies above empowers you and you WILL be better off. Keep at it! GAL!

The 180 changes that have been noticed and effective: (YMMV)

1. Started doing my personal laundry, dishes, but not doing hers.

2. Make the bed every morning. Organized my personal items.

3. Working out constantly. Making sure I do some while she’s around.

4. Dress nice around the house, new cologne, started growing a beard.

5. Stopped the affection. This is hard, especially now that she is coming to me for hugs!

Me: 43, W:42
M: 11 years
T: 17 years
Step S:22
Separated: 5/08/10 (came back 8 months later)
Dbomb: 04/12/14
Implemented 180 4/17/14

[beachmx]

Update 4/21.

Today my W commented she was 'proud I was working out' and she feels we didn't see each other much today(I was gone for 5 hours with work...hmmm

Also, she called to ask if we could watch the sunset together on the back deck.... which we NEVER do. The view is terrible because of trees. Now I think shes going crazy. (I was napping when she called so I never took her up on the offer. I'm trying to remain detached, but its getting tough!)

Is there a time when I should start working on the relationship? Start accepting her compliments and affection? Confused ....

[beachmx]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power

Thanks Cadet! Yes I agree, I fortunately have time...and I'm working on this 24/7

I'm GAL with my hobbies and personal development (martial arts and may take up Salsa lessons )

Staying Detach is very tough right now, as she is responding positively to my changes. I'm not sure when its ok to get closer - I don't want to blow the progress because I reciprocated too soon!

[beachmx]

I personally wouldn't think if you have spent years with an "open marriage" that attempting to date others would get any attention at this point. It sounds to me that your 180's should be on things you haven't been doing, like cleaning up after yourself in the kitchen. But be careful not to move too far too fast. You could quickly give the idea you are just changing habits to get attention. You might want to try looking into Five Love Languages book. Not sure, but if your W reacted so well to fry pan you might find that book to help your in expressing love in the ways more suited to her.

Thanks Bunches, Book is ordered

So far it seems she believes the changes are genuine, which for the most part, they will be. I'm actually enjoying the empowerment of it all.

Marriage wasn't open per see, all adult activities were done together. Starting a dating profile would be considered separate, and would give the impression of definitive end. Since she's responding to the 180, I'm not going to push this direction.

[beachmx]

I also ordered DR, so I have some reading to do. I wish the moderators would allow immediate posts, this has been the 3rd post and I'm getting lost.

I promise not to break the rules or sell anything!!!

[woundedfool]

1. How far should I take this 180 idea in respect for dating others? I’m assuming it’s too much to start randomly dating or listing a profile on dating sites to increase value or the perception of moving on.

IMhO, your situation is way too fresh to do this.

Think 180's are more about the stuff your already do:

If you like baseball, but don't go to baseball games.... go to one.

If you never volunteered, go volunteer.

[MrBond]

"1. How far should I take this 180 idea in respect for dating others? I’m assuming it’s too much to start randomly dating or listing a profile on dating sites to increase value or the perception of moving on."

Wow that's fast. You haven't even changed yourself to stop those behaviors that she didn't like about you. So do you and your W still swing?

I'm not sure how you expect her to just be exclusive to you if you're actively having sex with someone else.