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#2446096 04/16/14 03:13 PM
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I have been doing this for years it feels like.. (Me 28 H 30 M 3.5).. I feel like I have tried everything.. I feel like there are things that are just irreconcilable.. And I just don't think I can live like this anymore.. The WAW syndrome definition I read seems to hit pretty close to home.. I know Im responsible for part of the problems.. I know while I truly feel like I have given everything and "tried everything" I know its probably not been in the right way.. I feel like I've been the only one in this relationship for a very long time and I dont feel hopeful anymore.. I feel exhausted like I dont have any more energy to put into it.. and I dont know that I even want to continue to try at this point..

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H seems to be trying. I want to focus on the fact that I've been begging for him to try for years, but I know I should focus on the fact that he's trying now. It feels like everything he does to try and make it better just reminds me that I feel empty and like I have not been loved in years. I want to get aggravated at him bc even tho "he's trying his best" it feels like so little so late. Every misstep he makes all I can think is how much I don't want to live the rest of my life "taking what I can get". I'm trying to focus on what the therapist said "filling up each others love tanks" and what not (she wanted us to focus on the love languages types and what they need etc). He seems to feel better.. perkier.. hopeful. I continue to feel worse.. depressed.. hopeless. Took me out yesterday for the first time in a long time. He made an effort to give me my "quality time". All I could see was the flaws and think to myself "how much better I could have done it". I feel selfish.. and crazy.. don't know what to think. Am I trying to sabotage things at this point?

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Hi Inneed,

Its such a hard place to be.

First, if you haven't posted in "newcomers" section yet, I would encourage you to post there first. It gets A LOT more traffic than this thread and you'll find a lot of great support and encouragement (and more frequently).

I can only give you a perspective that may be the other side of what you're saying. I've heard what you've said from my own W. I've been at this for a definite 4 years now and have to admit the issues went on well before then even though I wasn't able to see it.

I know for me, I felt I was truly trying. But at some point in my M, I pulled away. It wasn't right but I did. It was my ineffective way to cope. I felt rejected and inadequate in my marriage. No matter what I did, the focus seemed to be on what I had missed or forgotten. At some point, I figured if its never going to be good enough, just let my W do it her way...

It was a coward's way out, but like most people, I used the coping techniques that I was familiar with based upon my own past. And so did my W. Neither of which were healthy.

You will never be able to change anyone but yourself. One of the main benefits of DB (in my opinion) is to focus each of us to take accountability for ourselves, our attitudes and our behaviors. Don't give control of those things to anyone else. What your husband does or says, should not define who you want to be. Its up to you. And that is a lot of hard work. But its work you can do.

Be willing to have the hard conversations. Be willing to be honest with your own feelings and be willing to listen to your H and his feelings. If he's like most guys, this will be tough for him and if you judge him or argue with him about how he feels, he may just clam up again.

Good luck. Recovery is a long road. The fact that your H is willing to try is a huge step forward. Now you have to decide as well. Take care.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 12
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Thanks for the response CES67,

I'm still trying to familiarize myself with properly utilizing the forums. (Never really been a blogger or anything like that). And.. confused seems to describe my life as a whole right now lol. Cadet helped start combining my threads so I'm going to try to stick to that one but I also wanted to respond here (the other thread will be http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post2444444).

Your response really resounds with me. I feel like the behavior you described as well as the feelings and motivating factors behind it are likely very very similar to my H's. And I think he did pull away. And recently so did I. Still wrong for me to do so. While I would like to think I gave it my all every day (he likely did too... we both just must not have been "trying" in an affective manner)But I realize now I stopped trying to talk to H. When I felt like I was having one sided conversations and was frustrated with feeling alone in the relationship I stopped communicating I think. Kind of like what you said.. it was easier quicker better if i just did everything myself. If he was feeling inadequate that likely exacerbated the situation.

And you're definitely right about being who we are and not being able to change anyone but ourselves. I realize now that when we hit our first rough patch I changed to try and make everyone else happy (especially in regards to H and H's family).. be the "perfect wife" (which for me is 100% uncharacteristic.. I've always been incredibly independent and very determined about what I wanted to do/accomplish). I put everything on the back burner to support H in what he was doing. And now I find myself at a place in my life where there are things I had wanted to do/be doing/have accomplished and I havent. I dont feel that who I am or what I bring to the relationship is valued which makes it all seem so pointless. And there are things that I really want in my relationship (that I had expected to be a part of our relationship before we got married) that I don't know that I can live without. (which is likely something he feels as well)

We've been trying to talk about things. We seem to have gotten past most of the he said she said and I think both of us have a better perspective on how each other has been feeling and what each other needs. But now I'm afraid that that might ultimately determine the outcome for us. I know that there are certain things that were a part of our relationship pre-M that changed once we were married and I'm not okay without them. While he has expressed his desire to make an effort and he will seem enthused and as though the intent is there, the enthusiasm tends to fade quickly (sometimes without any action--at least that I'm aware of). I understand nothing changes over night and we both need to be putting in effort and understand each others capabilities, but to continually feel like he goes through this cycle of basically alot of talk and no follow through is discouraging (this occurs in many aspects of life with him.. alot of hobbies/career paths/etc... gets very excited, buys the equipment/materials needed, tells everyone hes going to do this, then it fizzles out generally within a few days). And now the past couple of days we're back to he doesnt think he is capable of "giving me what I need" and that he doesnt know that he wants to try to.

Its all very confusing. I'm just trying to stay calm, start doing more things to take care of myself, take it one day at a time. Sometimes I wish someone could just tell me what I'm supposed to do lol.

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"Its all very confusing. I'm just trying to stay calm, start doing more things to take care of myself, take it one day at a time. Sometimes I wish someone could just tell me what I'm supposed to do lol."

This is a good summary of the journey you're on and it will cycle around a lot with mixtures of hurt, fear and anger (but anger typically is an output of fear).

We all wish there was a roadmap. In some way there is but truly each of us is unique and you'll have to figure it out as you go. The important thing is to remember that you can do it. Feelings will come and go so just remember not to let the negative ones bog you down. Deal with them and then move on.

Take care


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 6
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It is always tough to admit when a relationship is starting to dwindle and often the hardest thing is being honest with yourself. My ex and I went through the same thing and I wasn't honest enough to admit we needed help.

Since the split, we've actually become closer than we have been in years. And, I can honestly say that I have found a glimpse of what we had in the past. I guess it just goes to show that divorce is not always the end of a relationship.

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Last edited by Virginia; 06/27/14 04:24 PM.

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