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dingo Offline OP
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Week or so since my last update - here goes:

I did finally get the papers in the mail a week ago. Appointment with my attorney next week. Most of the stuff in there was pretty simple and had already been discussed. No kids makes it pretty easy. We did have some negotiating on physical property but that was all pretty minor.

Emotionally, I think my wife is totally done. She's accepted everything that's going to happen and it doesn't seem to bother her - or bother her enough. There is very little emotion when we speak, no real animosity either. We can be friendly and laugh but that is probably just a familiarity thing. I guess I still held out some hope so I am not as accepting as I thought I would be.

GAL is helping but a lot of my favorite activities are things we used to do together. I push through and do them anyway but its tough.

I struggle with a lot of questions. Guilt for the things I did wrong in the relationship is still a struggle. I also struggle with 'sour grapes' kind of thoughts - there was obviously something about the relationship that wasn't doing it for me or I would have been a better partner; do I only want her back now because I can't have her? What would I do if she came crawling back tomorrow? How would I feel about that? Maybe this is the best thing.


Me:38 W:39
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BD: 5/13
EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13
W Moved out 12/13
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It is hard to learn through mistakes, but it is tragic when nothing is learned. You will have another chance, Dingo. Just remember what you've learned.

You are asking yourself honest, difficult questions. If you can find the answers within, I believe it will cause tremdous self-awareness and growth. The price won't be in vain.

((Dingo))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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dingo Offline OP
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We had a pretty low-key R talk last night. Started when she said something along the lies of 'I hate that it has to be this way - I am not happy with this decision but I am comfortable with it.' I responded with 'It doesnt have to be this way, its your choice to make it this way' - which I probably shouldn't have done but I just despise when she tries to pin everything on fate/the universe/circumstance and doesn't take accountability for her decisions.

Anyway - typical crap. Its too late, we can't communicate, i can't see any hope..

So here's my question, and I am asking it academically because practically, there is nothing to be done about it:
How does the circular logic of 'the A is keeping me from seeing my marriage realistically and having hope in it but I am not going to give up the A because I don't see hope in my marriage' ever get broken?


Me:38 W:39
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Originally Posted By: dingo
How does the circular logic of 'the A is keeping me from seeing my marriage realistically and having hope in it but I am not going to give up the A because I don't see hope in my marriage' ever get broken?


Ah yes....that's a good one isn't it. The problem is, a "real" relationship can't really compete with an A now can it? There's no problems in an A. There's excitement, there's fun, there's all the happy fun stuff with none of the typical day to day "crap."

Even in my case, it even went one step further...not really the "happy fun time" argument at the end, but rather, more of a "just in case" type deal. Ultimately, that drove me away, and then she picked right back up with OM (which basically proved my point).

So what can we do? I think ultimately, we give them what we want. We let them move on with their life. We let the A run it's course. There is a lot of soul searching that needs to be done by the OP, and I don't think that can really take place when they are involved with someone. When the happy fun time turns into a daily grind, at that point, maybe they start to see things differently. Then again...maybe not. There's just no guarantees.


M:44 W:42
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About the question, you dig deeper into, 'why her?' What is it about her that you find attractive, lovable?

Do you want to fix her? Is that a need you have?

Are you afraid of failing?

Do you love her or the idea of her?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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The number one thing I find myself missing is all of the activities we used to do together. Whether it was working in the yard or going hiking, we had a lot of common interests and did a lot together. The familiarity and friendship we had with each other is also something that I am missing. We truly were best friends and can still talk at that kind of level when our guards are down.

I don't necessarily think that I have a need to fix her, though there are some things that I would like her to change - primarily with how she manages her money and time. I was accused of being controlling because I asked her to manage her debt and contribute to our shared savings accounts and when she couldn't do those things, I pressured her. That being said, I do want us to learn how to fix and better our marriage and I suppose that involves us both having to fix ourselves in certain ways.

I am afraid of failing under the present circumstances, yes. I think its a awful shame to throw away the life we built for comparatively minor grievances (prior to the A). Two months prior to BD, she was planning on us having a child. Then the OM comes into the picture and its talk of divorce. I simply cannot be ok with the fact that this is not truly about us but is so heavily influenced by another - a fact that she just will not acknowledge.

Some of this is personal redemption. I want the chance to atone for my past mistakes and transgressions.

All of the reasons that I love her are still there. There are obviously some major trust/character/integrity issues and some other unattractive qualities that have been piled on top of that. I do believe that I still love her tough I probably need to really think harder on that.

I am very resistant to change. I am sure this is a fear response perhaps having to do with feeling out of control. Also, despite the fact that I have had numerous successes in my life, there are a handful of failures that still haunt me and quite possibly lead to some low self-esteem.

Things to think further on....


Me:38 W:39
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BD: 5/13
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dingo Offline OP
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Got a text last night:

'I don't think its going to change anything but I am willing to wait a little while before we proceed like you wanted'

I didn't answer her and won't. I need to find a way to stop the contact though. If I go a couple days without contacting her, she will find an excuse to come to the house to get something - a pair of shoes, a paintbrush...silly [censored].


Me:38 W:39
No Children
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dingo Offline OP
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Had some strange things happen over the past few days. The first anniversary of my MIL's passing was on Mother's day so I sent my wife a simple text saying that I was thinking about her and her family and that I hoped they had a good memorial service. I wasn't really looking for a particular response from her and didn't expect anything other than perhaps a 'thanks we had a good day' or something along those lines.

She called later that day and we spoke for a while about how the day went, how her family was doing and then had some general friendly discussion. No R talk, no tense topics and it was pretty easy to get back into the old rhythm. I initiated the end of the call.

It was a little setback in terms of my detachment but I was willing to accept that under the circumstances. I care about her family too and I really was sympathizing with them for their loss during the day.

Later in the day, I noticed that she had changed her facebook cover page to a picture of her family that had been taken a bit prior to her mom's death. I was with her in that picture along with her sisters' significant others....

This is where things get a little strange. After a day of NC on monday, she sent me an email saying that she had gone rock climbing on tuesday and met someone who was looking for a partner to climb with this weekend. As she has a baby shower to attend out of town this weekend, she told him that I might be interested. So she forwarded me an email from him with his contact info and after a few emails back and forth, it was apparent that she had made a lot of very strange comments to this man (he is well older than either of us and married so I don't necessarily think of him as a threat or another potential OM).

He knew I was her husband, knew all about many of the activities we enjoy doing together, all about our rock climbing history, our backpacking and hiking trips together, etc. He commented that he thought she and I had a lot of interesting experiences - all through email on which she was included.

So he and I arranged to meet at the gym today and she indicated that she was going as well. This other person invited us to go outdoor climbing sometime with him and his wife and my wife said it would be great for all of us to go together.

Bizarre behavior - i don't even know why she mentioned me to this person originally or told him that she was married...

I haven't asked her a single question about any of this. The email exchanges weren't written in such a way that would make it obvious that she and i were separated or otherwise weren't talking on a daily basis. I plan to meet this other person tonight to climb - for legitimate reasons. I am genuinely interested in finding new people to do these kinds of activities with. I don't intend to report back to her on it (she is now not coming tonight because her shoulder is bothering her from the last time).

anyway - just looking for a little insight from folks outside my situation.

Thanks guys.


Me:38 W:39
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BD: 5/13
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dingo Offline OP
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I met up with this person on Thursday night and had a great time climbing with him. I am very confused though because he is definitely under the impression that we are happily married and that my wife had mentioned us all going climbing together...not sure what this is all about...


Me:38 W:39
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Sounds very confusing, dingo.

I would take the positives that she's introduced you as her husband and is otherwise presenting an unified home front where she didn't even need to mention you.

I'm not up to speed with your sitch, is OM still in the picture?


-Pluto

H: 29 W: 27
No Kids

Together: 12/04 (9 years)
Living: 02/09 (5 years)
Married: 06/13 (11 months)
ILYBNILWY: 01/14
Separate Bedrooms: 01/14
Discovered Affair: 02/14 (On-going)
W Moved Out: 06/14
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