More of the same from my wife last night. She stopped by to pick up her golf clubs as her father is coming into town this weekend. I stayed busy doing little chores around the house while she was there - put my kayak rack on the car and took the kayak down from where it hangs in the garage. She sort of followed me around and made small talk/asked questions about what I had been up to. I was friendly with her, we laughed a bit and it was pretty pleasant.
Eventually she told me that her lawyer had been sick for the past 2 weeks and that I would be getting the settlement later this week. I asked her if she wanted me to respond right away and she started to cry and said yes. She made mention of the fact that we hadn't really talked much in the past month and that we didn't even say Happy Easter to each other and said that showed her that it wouldn't be hard for us to be out of each others' lives. I told her I would do as she asked.
She said she had gone to a friend's house for Easter and when I asked if the OM was there, her answer was 'he showed up later.'I asked her if they had spoken and hung out together and she said 'well we didn't ignore each other.' Told her I thought she was getting him out of her head so she could make the right decision about the marriage - 'i tried, i just really enjoy his company.'
So all of this and yet somehow, in her head, this decision is still all about our relationship and has nothing to do with him. She refuses to accept that she is leaving the marriage to be with someone else....
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
yeah you're right - I guess my hope all throughout this has been that eventually she'd see things for what they are. I guess everyone has their own version of reality.
Bug - this is going to come across as arrogant and like I have learned nothing but i really don't think much of this is about me at all anymore. She's told me that she can envision her life with me and it would be almost everything she's ever wanted but something would be missing. She can't (or won't) tell me what it is but she will say that we had it 2 months before BD. It almost feels like this whole [censored] show over the past year has taken on a life of its own and we've forgotten what our real issues were. Presumably because in her mind, its just easier to not look at them and run off with the OM.
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
It almost feels like this whole [censored] show over the past year has taken on a life of its own and we've forgotten what our real issues were. Presumably because in her mind, its just easier to not look at them and run off with the OM
In her mind, that may be closer to how she thinks than you know. To me, it makes more sense to see a WAW in a M of many years which has so many problems that choosing a new life with OM is easier for her than fixing the old one. But you two have not been M very long!
However, she may be the type who had rather handle most problems in her life by deleting what she sees as not working and just get a new one. It seems we live in not only an instant gratification society, but a throw-away, as well.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The ultimate irony in my mind of all this is that if she dumped me before we even got married, I would never have blamed her. I was absent, neglectful and completely 100% self-absorbed in what I wanted to do - and she married me anyway...
After we got engaged, I slowly started to realize that I was contributing to a lot of negativity in our relationship and started to change all of the above. Apparently the changes weren't fast enough for her or she just couldnt let go of the past or wanted a 'cleaner' relationship with no past issues. What a great way to do that by choosing a relationship with an AP...
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
yeah you're right - I guess my hope all throughout this has been that eventually she'd see things for what they are. I guess everyone has their own version of reality.
Bug - this is going to come across as arrogant and like I have learned nothing but i really don't think much of this is about me at all anymore. She's told me that she can envision her life with me and it would be almost everything she's ever wanted but something would be missing. She can't (or won't) tell me what it is but she will say that we had it 2 months before BD. It almost feels like this whole [censored] show over the past year has taken on a life of its own and we've forgotten what our real issues were. Presumably because in her mind, its just easier to not look at them and run off with the OM.
I don't think it sounds at all arrogant.
It's not the one straw that breaks the camel's back, it's the accumulation of straws. She may not really know what her unhappiness is about. It can be much easier to move on because fixing things takes work.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
The ultimate irony in my mind of all this is that if she dumped me before we even got married, I would never have blamed her. I was absent, neglectful and completely 100% self-absorbed in what I wanted to do - and she married me anyway...
After we got engaged, I slowly started to realize that I was contributing to a lot of negativity in our relationship and started to change all of the above. Apparently the changes weren't fast enough for her or she just couldnt let go of the past or wanted a 'cleaner' relationship with no past issues. What a great way to do that by choosing a relationship with an AP...
To me, that sounds like you have an awful lot to be grateful for. Regardless what happens to your M, YOU have grown. You get to keep that. You get to take that with you into your next relationship, whether that's your W or someone else.
